Boyfriend puts me down Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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I have just come off the phone to my boyfriend and he said some things that began to put me down. It started when he was talking about how I was grumpy with him one night and 'taking things out on him', and then I tried to explain that I only had a couple days left in a job I hated. I was also sexually assaulted in that job (which he knows about), meaning that I found it difficult to continue working my last couple shifts and the thought of going back to work really got me down. I didn't take anything out on him, I was just a bit upset and fed up. But he seemed to have completely disregarded all that and tried to turn himself into the victim.

This part is going to sound long-winded and I apologise in advance. We were on the topic of TV shows and movies, and he asked me what TV I like to watch and I said: 'I don't really watch much TV or films, and if I do I like to watch light-hearted things'. It just isn't a hobby of mine. He started to call me uncultured and bragged about he watches all these long, complicated symbolic plays and how I 'don't do anything'. He said I'm incapable of reflecting on a piece of work like a play or a movie and analysing how it reflects problems in wider society, basically saying I'm an idiot and incapable of abstract thinking. I'm going to study Sociology at university and I studied Religious Studies, Sociology, and French at A-level - all of which are very analytical subjects (yes, including French - I had to analyse multiple pieces of French literature... in French).

He then proceeded to say how he's the only person I talk to, how I don't go out and don't have any friends. All of which is untrue - I'm very reserved and I don't feel the need to talk about everything I do that doesn't involve him.

After a while I told him to stop talking during the call, and I told him how he made me feel and he said 'I didn't even realise I was doing it'. He's done this kind of thing before by making comments about certain aspects of my appearance and personality, and it has even been one of the reasons why we've broken up before. Before anyone says: 'you need to talk about it with him' - we've had this conversation multiple times, and every time we do he's always fine for a while, be very apologetic and then he'll start again. I personally would never make comments of that calibre to him because I know how they make me feel, and I wouldn't want him to feel the same.

On top of this, he always talks about how he misses me (we live around 2hrs away from each other, not a massive distance but long enough for us not to see each other often), but never seems to make much of an effort to make time for me. He doesn't take much interest in what I do (another reason why I don't tell him a lot about what I do in my free time is because I know what his reaction will be: a simple 'ok' and then move on from the subject).

I'm probably being over-sensitive and can't take a joke, but I tend to know when people are having a laugh, and when they're actively trying to rip shreds into me. Not really asking a question here, just wanted to share.
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Welshvisitor
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#2
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Your boy learnt all that stuff about analysis only very recently and bullies you with it. He probably can’t even do it very well. What a narcissist. Remind us - I mean yourself - why you’re with him.
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izzychloe247
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#3
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Honestly he sounds like he’s upsetting you a lot and you deserve better, I know you weren’t really asking but I think it’s important for you to know that you shouldn’t be letting people treat you like this, if they’re causing you to feel this way then cut them out (unless there’s a better solution but it doesn’t sound to me like there is). He just sounds annoying and I think you should drop him
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Anonymous #2
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Hey there, I'm sorry you're having issues with your boyfriend.

I'm sorry to hear about your sexual assault. I've had a loved one go through it and it's one of the hardest things.

It's good that you're not throwing tit for tat, you're clearly quite mature in that regard.

When you guys talk about your issues, do you feel like he's being open in return for your openness? Are there issues that you are not talking about for fear of his reactions?

You're not being over-sensitive. Let me say that again, you are not being over-sensitive. Do not cloud your judgement for another. Value your well-being above all else if you want things to be okay. That includes helping others.
If you guys really can't talk it out and resolve it, I think it may be time to look towards the end of things. And when talking, it's okay to argue and mention petty things - if you don't it's always stuck in your head and bounces off the wall, only gaining velocity. There may be an issue with openness or maturity here.
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have just come off the phone to my boyfriend and he said some things that began to put me down. It started when he was talking about how I was grumpy with him one night and 'taking things out on him', and then I tried to explain that I only had a couple days left in a job I hated. I was also sexually assaulted in that job (which he knows about), meaning that I found it difficult to continue working my last couple shifts and the thought of going back to work really got me down. I didn't take anything out on him, I was just a bit upset and fed up. But he seemed to have completely disregarded all that and tried to turn himself into the victim.

This part is going to sound long-winded and I apologise in advance. We were on the topic of TV shows and movies, and he asked me what TV I like to watch and I said: 'I don't really watch much TV or films, and if I do I like to watch light-hearted things'. It just isn't a hobby of mine. He started to call me uncultured and bragged about he watches all these long, complicated symbolic plays and how I 'don't do anything'. He said I'm incapable of reflecting on a piece of work like a play or a movie and analysing how it reflects problems in wider society, basically saying I'm an idiot and incapable of abstract thinking. I'm going to study Sociology at university and I studied Religious Studies, Sociology, and French at A-level - all of which are very analytical subjects (yes, including French - I had to analyse multiple pieces of French literature... in French).

He then proceeded to say how he's the only person I talk to, how I don't go out and don't have any friends. All of which is untrue - I'm very reserved and I don't feel the need to talk about everything I do that doesn't involve him.

After a while I told him to stop talking during the call, and I told him how he made me feel and he said 'I didn't even realise I was doing it'. He's done this kind of thing before by making comments about certain aspects of my appearance and personality, and it has even been one of the reasons why we've broken up before. Before anyone says: 'you need to talk about it with him' - we've had this conversation multiple times, and every time we do he's always fine for a while, be very apologetic and then he'll start again. I personally would never make comments of that calibre to him because I know how they make me feel, and I wouldn't want him to feel the same.

On top of this, he always talks about how he misses me (we live around 2hrs away from each other, not a massive distance but long enough for us not to see each other often), but never seems to make much of an effort to make time for me. He doesn't take much interest in what I do (another reason why I don't tell him a lot about what I do in my free time is because I know what his reaction will be: a simple 'ok' and then move on from the subject).

I'm probably being over-sensitive and can't take a joke, but I tend to know when people are having a laugh, and when they're actively trying to rip shreds into me. Not really asking a question here, just wanted to share.
Sounds like its time to dump him. How long has he been your bf?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey there, I'm sorry you're having issues with your boyfriend.

I'm sorry to hear about your sexual assault. I've had a loved one go through it and it's one of the hardest things.

It's good that you're not throwing tit for tat, you're clearly quite mature in that regard.

When you guys talk about your issues, do you feel like he's being open in return for your openness? Are there issues that you are not talking about for fear of his reactions?

You're not being over-sensitive. Let me say that again, you are not being over-sensitive. Do not cloud your judgement for another. Value your well-being above all else if you want things to be okay. That includes helping others.
If you guys really can't talk it out and resolve it, I think it may be time to look towards the end of things. And when talking, it's okay to argue and mention petty things - if you don't it's always stuck in your head and bounces off the wall, only gaining velocity. There may be an issue with openness or maturity here.
Thank you for all your comments, I honestly thought I was on my own here. I must say I do hold back from telling him my feelings sometimes because I just think that he’ll tell me I’m overreacting or being too sensitive. His comments make me doubt myself as a fully functioning person and has damaged my self esteem at one point. I’m more confident now and I try not let it affect my self esteem, but it just baffles me the way he talks to me sometimes.

We didn’t end the call on a bad note, although not long after I told him to stop talking he said he had to go to bed. I’m happy to talk about what happened in more detail with him and then move on. I think it is an issue with maturity and we have grown together as a couple, but this is something that we haven’t managed to stamp out yet.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by mgi)
Sounds like its time to dump him. How long has he been your bf?
Over a year. I think this is something we need to have a conversation about more properly as the last time we talked about it we had broken up and he was trying to het back with me, so he was being really nice to me to win me back. But now he has me back I need to remind him that he can’t talk to me or anyone like that.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you for all your comments, I honestly thought I was on my own here. I must say I do hold back from telling him my feelings sometimes because I just think that he’ll tell me I’m overreacting or being too sensitive. His comments make me doubt myself as a fully functioning person and has damaged my self esteem at one point. I’m more confident now and I try not let it affect my self esteem, but it just baffles me the way he talks to me sometimes.

We didn’t end the call on a bad note, although not long after I told him to stop talking he said he had to go to bed. I’m happy to talk about what happened in more detail with him and then move on. I think it is an issue with maturity and we have grown together as a couple, but this is something that we haven’t managed to stamp out yet.
In that case, it doesn't sound as if communication has been as transparent as it should be in a healthy couple. Was he always like this?
I'm sorry to hear about the self esteem comments too.

I don't think it's healthy for either of you to simply "move on". As you have slightly mentioned, it's important to take whatever there is to learn from this onboard and both strive for better. Maybe try to introduce the topic to him lightly. But if he doesn't budge, I'm really sorry, but you have to take care of yourself. No one deserves to treat you bad. As no one deserves to treat me bad. But only the individual themselves can really control that.
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Over a year. I think this is something we need to have a conversation about more properly as the last time we talked about it we had broken up and he was trying to het back with me, so he was being really nice to me to win me back. But now he has me back I need to remind him that he can’t talk to me or anyone like that.
Yes. However, your ex became your ex for a reason! Personally, i think an ex should stay dumped. He is still disrespectful and he is still causing you pain- because he does not care enough!
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WhyKidz
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(Original post by mgi)
Yes. However, your ex became your ex for a reason! Personally, i think an ex should stay dumped. He is still disrespectful and he is still causing you pain- because he does not care enough!
I agree, no-one needs someone like that in their life (in any capacity, let alone partner ...)
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you for all your comments, I honestly thought I was on my own here. I must say I do hold back from telling him my feelings sometimes because I just think that he’ll tell me I’m overreacting or being too sensitive. His comments make me doubt myself as a fully functioning person and has damaged my self esteem at one point. I’m more confident now and I try not let it affect my self esteem, but it just baffles me the way he talks to me sometimes.

We didn’t end the call on a bad note, although not long after I told him to stop talking he said he had to go to bed. I’m happy to talk about what happened in more detail with him and then move on. I think it is an issue with maturity and we have grown together as a couple, but this is something that we haven’t managed to stamp out yet.
Probably. But honestly girl, just look at what you feel like when you are with him. Not good. You should not have to "train " your bf to be caring and respectful towards you should you? I dont know about you but no partner could make me feel ready for physical intimacy while they are disrespectful generally. How do you do it?
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markova21
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So sorry to hear of your issues with your boyfriend. No-one has the right to put anyone else down; especially in a relationship. That's just emotional abuse. And it's wrong. Please leave him and never look back, no matter how much he tries to get back with you. ( Which he probably will; his sort always do). Put yourself first, especially your well-being and happiness.
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cheesecakelove
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I have just come off the phone to my boyfriend and he said some things that began to put me down. It started when he was talking about how I was grumpy with him one night and 'taking things out on him', and then I tried to explain that I only had a couple days left in a job I hated. I was also sexually assaulted in that job (which he knows about), meaning that I found it difficult to continue working my last couple shifts and the thought of going back to work really got me down. I didn't take anything out on him, I was just a bit upset and fed up. But he seemed to have completely disregarded all that and tried to turn himself into the victim.

This part is going to sound long-winded and I apologise in advance. We were on the topic of TV shows and movies, and he asked me what TV I like to watch and I said: 'I don't really watch much TV or films, and if I do I like to watch light-hearted things'. It just isn't a hobby of mine. He started to call me uncultured and bragged about he watches all these long, complicated symbolic plays and how I 'don't do anything'. He said I'm incapable of reflecting on a piece of work like a play or a movie and analysing how it reflects problems in wider society, basically saying I'm an idiot and incapable of abstract thinking. I'm going to study Sociology at university and I studied Religious Studies, Sociology, and French at A-level - all of which are very analytical subjects (yes, including French - I had to analyse multiple pieces of French literature... in French).

He then proceeded to say how he's the only person I talk to, how I don't go out and don't have any friends. All of which is untrue - I'm very reserved and I don't feel the need to talk about everything I do that doesn't involve him.

After a while I told him to stop talking during the call, and I told him how he made me feel and he said 'I didn't even realise I was doing it'. He's done this kind of thing before by making comments about certain aspects of my appearance and personality, and it has even been one of the reasons why we've broken up before. Before anyone says: 'you need to talk about it with him' - we've had this conversation multiple times, and every time we do he's always fine for a while, be very apologetic and then he'll start again. I personally would never make comments of that calibre to him because I know how they make me feel, and I wouldn't want him to feel the same.

On top of this, he always talks about how he misses me (we live around 2hrs away from each other, not a massive distance but long enough for us not to see each other often), but never seems to make much of an effort to make time for me. He doesn't take much interest in what I do (another reason why I don't tell him a lot about what I do in my free time is because I know what his reaction will be: a simple 'ok' and then move on from the subject).

I'm probably being over-sensitive and can't take a joke, but I tend to know when people are having a laugh, and when they're actively trying to rip shreds into me. Not really asking a question here, just wanted to share.
I believe in a relationship, a couple should mutually make each other happy, boost their self-esteem and bring out the best in each other. I feel like your boyfriend is doing none of that, especially in how he approaches your conversation.

I would recommend taking a break from your relationship if you have already communicated the issue with hime before. Focus on yourself and finding your own happiness. You want to surround yourself with people who support you and want to see you do well, not have the negative mindset like your boyfriend. Hopefully you will be able to see that you have value and worth in yourself, and you don't need to rely on your boyfriend to pursue your life goals.
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Dunnig Kruger
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Most, if not all the stuff he's criticising you about isn't even true!

It is therefore made up, wide of the mark insults.

These insults say more about him than they do about you.

They only stop temporarily when he's at risk of losing you forever. If you ever settled into a long term living together relationship, his behaviour would get even worse. It'd be a constant drip feed of personal insults.

This man is a psychological bully.

I really hate bullies.

He has an "I'm OK, you're not OK" attitude.

It is not possible for you to live happily with him. Which means that there is no point in spending another day with him when you could be looking for a man that has an "I'm OK, you're OK" attitude and who isn't a bully and who will only insult you in the heat of the moment during the odd lover's tiff.

I used to wonder what happened to school bullies once they grew up. The answer is that a large proportion turn into boyfriends like yours. It's just your bad luck that you happened to run into one of them,

So dump him and find a far kinder, more tolerant, better adjusted man.
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mgi
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(Original post by cheesecakelove)
I believe in a relationship, a couple should mutually make each other happy, boost their self-esteem and bring out the best in each other. I feel like your boyfriend is doing none of that, especially in how he approaches your conversation.

I would recommend taking a break from your relationship if you have already communicated the issue with hime before. Focus on yourself and finding your own happiness. You want to surround yourself with people who support you and want to see you do well, not have the negative mindset like your boyfriend. Hopefully you will be able to see that you have value and worth in yourself, and you don't need to rely on your boyfriend to pursue your life goals.
Well said. Spot on!
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laura10203
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Over a year. I think this is something we need to have a conversation about more properly as the last time we talked about it we had broken up and he was trying to het back with me, so he was being really nice to me to win me back. But now he has me back I need to remind him that he can’t talk to me or anyone like that.
Honestly, he's starting to sound like an annoying child that you are trying to raise. It shouldn't be your job to teach him how to behave especially when he knows how to be nice for long enough to get you back and then goes back to his old self. While I don't exactly want to tell you to break up with, I think you should think about how much longer you want to deal with all this instead of being in a more mutually supportive relationship.
Regardless of what you do, I hope things work out well for you. Good luck🍀🍀🍀
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anosmianAcrimony
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Make that man not your boyfriend anymore. Believe it or not there are people out there who don't do this kind of bull****.
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Anonymous #3
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This all sounds very familiar. I had a fella like this, would do pretty much exactly those things. Thankfully he left the country and I never saw him again. When we were breaking up he told me he did those things because he couldn't stand to see me happy, because he himself wasn't happy so felt like he had to bring me down to his level.

I know it's not helpful to hear "just get rid", because it's not as easy as that. But seriously, if it continues it'll massively impact your mental health. You can't make someone change if being toxic is an aspect of their personality. And remember, he's got to live with being the person he is forever, but you can walk away and be happy being yourself.
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shadowdweller
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I would suggest you put him down, and never pick him up again.

(Aka break up with him - if you've already talked about this loads and nothing has changed, this seems like the most realistic option)
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Anonymous #1
#20
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Again, thank you all for your advice. Wasn’t expecting this many comments. We’re in an LDR which, to an extent, I’ve been thankful for as it’s given me a chance to actually create my own happiness without relying on my boyfriend and to work on my non-romantic relationships.

So if/when we eventually break up I’m in a good position as I can survive without him or another guy. Being in a relationship for me is a choice, not a necessity. Laying it all out in a post has helped me organise my thoughts and the more I think about it (and through reading you guys’ comments), the more I realise things aren’t looking like they’re going to change. The only annoying thing is it’s hard to have a proper conversation and gauge each other’s emotions when we’re not talking to face to face (which isn’t often), so we have to do all our talking via the phone. Thank you for all your help, I need to think about our communication technique (someone pointed out to me that our communication possibly isn’t as transparent as it should be). Otherwise, I won’t hang around
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