Parents keep taking my student finance, what do I do?! Watch

Anonymous #1
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Hate to write this, I’m a giving person and all but hundreds, and I mean - HUNDREDS of pounds of my student finance have gone to my parents, they keep asking me for money. I’ve been giving it over because I don’t want to be disrespectful but it just seems a bit off. I’d get asking for the odd £10 but I’m really talking hundreds and hundreds 🙃. I’m gonna keep giving them money if they ask bc I don’t have a choice, I just want to hear other ppls opinions, I feel bad for feeling iffy about them asking for so much money because they brought me into this world and all but it’s my student finance at the same time. I really don’t know how to feel. I feel like I owe it to them but at the same time, legally I don’t.

Any thoughts?
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Reality Check
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hate to write this, I’m a giving person and all but hundreds, and I mean - HUNDREDS of pounds of my student finance have gone to my parents, they keep asking me for money. I’ve been giving it over because I don’t want to be disrespectful but it just seems a bit off. I’d get asking for the odd £10 but I’m really talking hundreds and hundreds 🙃. I’m gonna keep giving them money if they ask bc I don’t have a choice, I just want to hear other ppls opinions, I feel bad for feeling iffy about them asking for so much money because they brought me into this world and all but it’s my student finance at the same time. I really don’t know how to feel. I feel like I owe it to them but at the same time, legally I don’t.

Any thoughts?
I presume you're foreign, or non-native British, anyway. I say that because we don't do that sort of thing here as a rule.

They have no right to this money. You are the person who is choosing to give them the money - they're not taking it from you themselves. Why do you feel financially responsible towards your parents. It should be the other way round: they should be supporting you financially at university, not the other way round!

Student financial support is money from public funds provided to enable you to go to university. It is not there for you to give to your parents. So use it for its intended purpose - and this information should help you feel that you are actually doing the right thing by keeping it all for your own use.
Last edited by Reality Check; 4 weeks ago
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Jords2011
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hate to write this, I’m a giving person and all but hundreds, and I mean - HUNDREDS of pounds of my student finance have gone to my parents, they keep asking me for money. I’ve been giving it over because I don’t want to be disrespectful but it just seems a bit off. I’d get asking for the odd £10 but I’m really talking hundreds and hundreds 🙃. I’m gonna keep giving them money if they ask bc I don’t have a choice, I just want to hear other ppls opinions, I feel bad for feeling iffy about them asking for so much money because they brought me into this world and all but it’s my student finance at the same time. I really don’t know how to feel. I feel like I owe it to them but at the same time, legally I don’t.

Any thoughts?
You may as well just pack up and go home. The student finance is there to support you in buying textbooks and other essentials. Perhaps your parents don't understand how the Uni finance system works. It sounds to me like they found out you would be getting money at uni and thought that if they take it you'll get more from an emergency fund or something and it just can't work like that. It isn't your fault, as family comes first but it doesn't sound right I can't lie. Id you find yourself with no food, or short on money then who are you going to turn to?? I'll tell you something then i'm going to stop- if you find yourself really desperately low on funds and can't support yourself financially, if you turn to the uni for help, you don't think that they're going to demand to know where the money was spent. You need to think about the long run here.
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Leviathan1611
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well is it causing you to be financially unstable at uni, as in, are you unable to buy the things you need and stuff? if it is, you should let your parents know and discuss together what your options are.

if not, then it shouldn't be an issue, it's just extra money you don't need so might as well give it to your parents who need it (I'm assuming?).

the moment I got my student finance, I gave it all to my mum.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Reality Check)
I presume you're foreign, or non-native British, anyway. I say that because we don't do that sort of thing here as a rule.

They have no right to this money. You are the person who is choosing to give them the money - they're not taking it from you themselves. Why do you feel financially responsible towards your parents. It should be the other way round: they should be supporting you financially at university, not the other way round!

Student financial support is money from public funds provided to enable you to go to university. It is not there for you to give to your parents. So use it for its intended purpose - and this information should help you feel that you are actually doing the right thing by keeping it all for your own use.
I’m British, I’m not white if that’s what you mean. But I’m British nonetheless lol. I get what you’re saying but it’s really not that straightforward, it’s one of those things that sounds absurd to a “native” British person because the idea of obedience to parents in this way isn’t necessarily engrained into native British cultures as it is with subcultures in Britain. So I can’t really say no, I don’t have a choice. But it’s nice to know that I’m not wrong for feeling that this is wrong so thank you. It’s just a rather unfortunate situation to be honest. I’m really responsible with money in general and it hurts to see so much flying out of my account that isn’t even going towards my future.
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OR321
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Do you live with your parents? Coz if so I’d understand a few hundred every now and then but it seems like you’re being asked for too much. Maybe you just need to tell them no. If my parents ever asked me for a lot of money I’d say no lmao. Unless they threaten to kick you out, then I dunno
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Reality Check
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m British, I’m not white if that’s what you mean. But I’m British nonetheless lol. I get what you’re saying but it’s really not that straightforward, it’s one of those things that sounds absurd to a “native” British person because the idea of obedience to parents in this way isn’t necessarily engrained into native British cultures as it is with subcultures in Britain. So I can’t really say no, I don’t have a choice. But it’s nice to know that I’m not wrong for feeling that this is wrong so thank you. It’s just a rather unfortunate situation to be honest. I’m really responsible with money in general and it hurts to see so much flying out of my account that isn’t even going towards my future.
But surely you do have a choice? Your choice is to say 'no'. What will they do if you say no - disown you? Surely if you don't stand up to them nothing will ever change.

You mustn't think you're doing anything wrong. It's your money to enable you to make a future for yourself. You must be strong - I appreciate that things aren't probably as simple as that, but maybe it's something you really need to make a point about.
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0le
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m British, I’m not white if that’s what you mean. But I’m British nonetheless lol. I get what you’re saying but it’s really not that straightforward, it’s one of those things that sounds absurd to a “native” British person because the idea of obedience to parents in this way isn’t necessarily engrained into native British cultures as it is with subcultures in Britain. So I can’t really say no, I don’t have a choice. But it’s nice to know that I’m not wrong for feeling that this is wrong so thank you. It’s just a rather unfortunate situation to be honest. I’m really responsible with money in general and it hurts to see so much flying out of my account that isn’t even going towards my future.
I understand that you feel you don't have a choice, but you do. You simply don't send them the money. If they ask where it is, tell them its gone to buying books/ food or whatever. They have no right to that money. You will one day have to follow your own path and stop following the path that they want you to follow. Gain some confidence. Forget this nonsense that it will "look bad on the family" which I am sure they will inevitably tell you. Its utter nonsense. Its all about control - and it may come from good intentions but its still about control.
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mgi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m British, I’m not white if that’s what you mean. But I’m British nonetheless lol. I get what you’re saying but it’s really not that straightforward, it’s one of those things that sounds absurd to a “native” British person because the idea of obedience to parents in this way isn’t necessarily engrained into native British cultures as it is with subcultures in Britain. So I can’t really say no, I don’t have a choice. But it’s nice to know that I’m not wrong for feeling that this is wrong so thank you. It’s just a rather unfortunate situation to be honest. I’m really responsible with money in general and it hurts to see so much flying out of my account that isn’t even going towards my future.
It is nothing to do with sub culture or being British. Its about you being unable to say no even when someone else is taking advantage of you. Parents and cultures dont always make sense. What do you think student finance is actually for? To add to your parents pay packet? I bet neither you nor your parents would tell student finance what is actually happening to the money that they have provided in order to meet your uni expenses! But i think the real issie, to be honest, is you!
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StriderHort
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Well either they're openly ripping you off....or they simply don't get the concept that it's a student loan for student expenses, it's not income and has to be paid back. If you told them you intended to pay your loans off upon graduating, would they have all that money ready to return without question?....doubt it. When you get down to it, trying to tap money off someone who just took a loan for living expenses is pretty shady.

Why do they need all the money anyway? Are they even telling you?
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mgi
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Well either they're openly ripping you off....or they simply don't get the concept that it's a student loan for student expenses, it's not income and has to be paid back. If you told them you intended to pay your loans off upon graduating, would they have all that money ready to return without question?....doubt it. When you get down to it, trying to tap money off someone who just took a loan for living expenses is pretty shady.

Why do they need all the money anyway? Are they even telling you?
Yes you are quite right but i think the issue is really the daughter! No backbone!
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StriderHort
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(Original post by mgi)
Yes you are quite right but i think the issue is really the daughter! No backbone!
Oh I agree, the best way to stop giving people money is to say 'NO' and mean it. But i'll take the OP at face value when they say it isn't that simple and they struggle with the very concept of disobeying parents, so i'm more trying to reinforce that the parents aren't being reasonable, and there's little logic in obeying the unreasonable.
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mgi
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Oh I agree, the best way to stop giving people money is to say 'NO' and mean it. But i'll take the OP at face value when they say it isn't that simple and they struggle with the very concept of disobeying parents, so i'm more trying to reinforce that the parents aren't being reasonable, and there's little logic in obeying the unreasonable.
Yes ,you are spot on again. It is a tough one because they are all adults and she has rights even though she has parents!
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laura10203
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While I understand how you feel about the fact that they raised and you should give back, this is not the time. University can be expensive, that is why you are a student loan.
If you truly want to give back then do so, once you have a stable job and career path but not right now and even then you should watch that you don't give too much.
My brother and I were raised to give back and we are both happy to but even my mum told us that she expects nothing until we have a stable job after university.
A lot of small amounts can add up to a lot and your loans are limited, you need to start using the money on yourself and making the most of university instead of practically supporting your parents.
I hope this was of help to you and good luck 🍀🍀🍀
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by laura10203)
While I understand how you feel about the fact that they raised and you should give back, this is not the time. University can be expensive, that is why you are a student loan.
If you truly want to give back then do so, once you have a stable job and career path but not right now and even then you should watch that you don't give too much.
My brother and I were raised to give back and we are both happy to but even my mum told us that she expects nothing until we have a stable job after university.
A lot of small amounts can add up to a lot and your loans are limited, you need to start using the money on yourself and making the most of university instead of practically supporting your parents.
I hope this was of help to you and good luck 🍀🍀🍀
It must be a cultural thing, but I don’t think it’s a child’s job to pay the parents back financially at all. In other ways maybe. You shouldn’t have children if you can’t afford them. I think you’re a failure as a parent if you have to rely on emotionally blackmailing your child for money.
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laura10203
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It must be a cultural thing, but I don’t think it’s a child’s job to pay the parents back financially at all. In other ways maybe. You shouldn’t have children if you can’t afford them. I think you’re a failure as a parent if you have to rely on emotionally blackmailing your child for money.
I get where you are coming from but when my mum had us, she could easily afford us and then she went through a bad divorce and lost a lot of things. Back in Hungary, a lot of employers refuse jobs if you're a single parent and she has had to make a lot of sacrifices in her life for us both in Hungary and in the UK where she was able to find a permanent job. Us paying back would be more be in the sense of we buy her a nice house, we take her on holidays and outings and we give her an allowance because her pension won't be enough and I don't want her to live her life after retirement the same way that she does now. I want her to be a lot more comfortable and have to worry less. In my case, I think it probably does have something to do with culture but if that divorce wouldn't have happened or if she wouldn't have lost so much in it of her own finances or property then she would be asking for a lot less.
I know you aren't being rude and I definitely don't know what the OP's life is like sao, maybe her parents are just taking advantage after all that can happen too, but not everything is about culture or blackmail, some of it is just a lot of sacrifice. What I will give my mum and what my brother will give her won't have a large impact on us. We won't be giving her all of our earnings but it will make a huge difference to her.
Sorry for the long post.
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DrSocSciences
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The OP is in complete denial. Student debt is not for the repayment of familial cultural back-stories. The parents don’t “keep taking” the student finance: the OP gives it away, repeatedly. Parents are expected to top-up student finance, not appropriate it. Madness. Financial management advice and support is desperately required by OP, but on current performance, I expect nothing will change.
Last edited by DrSocSciences; 4 weeks ago
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DrSocSciences
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(Original post by Leviathan1611)
if ...it's just extra money you don't need so might as well give it to your parents who need it (I'm assuming?)...the moment I got my student finance, I gave it all to my mum.
What’s your reason for doing that? If you didn’t need the funds, then why apply for them? It’s not free money. Or did you hand over the money to your mum because you don’t have the capability of managing your own finances?
Last edited by DrSocSciences; 4 weeks ago
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Leviathan1611
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(Original post by DrSocSciences)
What’s your reason for doing that? If you didn’t need the funds, then why apply for them? It’s not free money. Or did you hand over the money to your mum because you don’t have the capability of managing your own finances?
I don't need it. I guess I just applied for it in case of a future financial crisis or something.🤷
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DrSocSciences
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(Original post by Leviathan1611)
I don't need it. I guess I just applied for it in case of a future financial crisis or something.🤷
Ok, so do you plan to be self-employed? I’m just curious about what happens when repayment kicks in after graduation.
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