Funniest legal thread ever - pure class.

Nicked from RoF. If you know anything about the legal profession in London, this will make you sick with laughter. I read it about 1/2 hour ago and I'm still laughing. Genius.

From Slaughters:

Dear Sir

We are lawyers acting for British Spaz plc. We are in receipt of a copy of a contract to which our respective clients are parties. You appear to be in breach thereof and we invite your response. We do not think your father would have acted in this way. We knew him at college.

We remain, sir etc.

Slaughter & May

From Clifford Chance:

Dear Sir

We act for British Spaz plc. Appendices 1-16 of this letter enclose copies of the contracts to which you are a party. Appendices 17 to 428 itemize the steps, without limitation, which comprise anticipatory repudiatory breach thereof. On our client's behalf we do not accept the repudiation but demand that you perform the obligations which we have set out for your convenience in appendices 429 to 580 You appear to be in breach thereof and we invite your response. Rights reserved in their entirety. Watch it.

Yours faithfully

Clifford Chance.

From Herbert Smith

British Spaz plc and us lot are in court with Mr Justice Lightman and we have an order in our hands and our Counsel is about to give it large. Now get a grip. Our costs are £6m and rising. Your conduct is such that absent a timely response we will unleash the dogs of war on your client and phone the OSS about you. Not your firm but you personally. Yes you. Look out of the window. See? We are watching you. Mind how you go. Big Ron doesn't like solicitors.

Feck off.

Herbies.

From Allen & Overy

Wot ho. Terrible news about your client and British Spaz plc. The problem is that they are our clients. Awkward though it is we feel obliged to ask that you sort this out post haste. We don't want any trouble brewing at the club. See you Friday, usual table.

- Simon

From Linklaters

Dear Sirs

We are not litigators. British Spaz plc came to us for advice on their recent takeover. In the course of our due diligence process between 1990 and 2002 we noticed that your client was not performing its obligations. We invite you to work out what it is incumbent upon you to do about it and, er, do that. Please.

Like your suit, by the way. Nice lining. Where do you get your stuff tailored?

Yours faithfully

Linkies.

From Ashurts:

Dear Sirs,

British Spaz plc being clients of this firm being instructed by the aforementioned publicly listed company had via members of their executive board taken the step and/or steps as appropriate to see fit to instructing the firm of whom they are clients to correspond with the party to a contract. The contract being an agreement entered into in a form provided by the same publicly listed company as previously alluded to within the confines of this paragraph for the provision and supply of various things.

We trust that the above is clear and look forward to receiving from you some form of written or even verbal response giving due consideration to the seriousness of the above.

Yours faithfully

From Stephenson Harwood:

Whilst clearing up some of our offices prior to sub-lease the trustee in bankruptcy to the partnership handed me this (see attached). I am just a pensions lawyer. There is only me here. I really don't know what it's all about but I promised to send this over to you in order to stop British Spaz plc incessantly ringing me. Is there anything you can do with this? If not I will get one of those injunction thingies I suppose. If I find a way out past the packing crates. I have had nothing to eat for 42 days by the way. Spare 20p for a cuppa guv?

From Simmons & Simmons:

Dear Sirs

Apologies for the delay in contacting you. The partner handling the matter left to join McDermott's. The matter was then taken over by another partner who, before he had the opportunity to write to you, unfortunately left to join Latham & Watkins. The matter was promptly handed over to the litigation lead partner but he has been out of the office attending galleries and auctions in order to purchase yet more expensive, but intrinsically worthless, modern art to adorn our offices.

Do feel free to call me. I'm lonely.

Yours faithfully

Simmons

From Theodore Goddard

Dear Sir

We act for Spaz Crop. We understand that your clients are in breach of your contract with Spaz Corp.

How do you fancy merging with us and sorting this all out in the canteen. Please. We will sack all our partners. We will pay you. My wife will give you head.

Yours etc, etc

From Freshfields

We act for the Lead Coordinators of the syndicate lenders in connection with the restructuring of Spaz Group. In the course of our retainer we have reviewed the affairs of Spaz Plc, a wholly owned subsidiary of Spaz Corp Inc.

Whilst writing to you we feel it is important to make clear that we have a connection with Spaz Plc. The Chairman of Spaz plc is Gunter Munter. He is the heir to the Hapschordburg-Gothenburgs de Villeneuve. Herr Munter is the step brother of Gerald De Borge-Borg-Freiborg Du Puys of Savoie, who as you will recognise, is our outdoor clerk. We trust this is not inconvenient to you.

Freshfields

ps. your clients are in breach of contract

From Gide Loyrette Nouel

Dear Colleague:

We refer to your letter dated 2nd June.

We attach a memorandum describing in detail the case law and learned legal commentary on the subject since the time of Roman Law, including in pre-Revolutionary times, following the adoption of the Civil Code, and recent modifications to legislation.

Please come to your own conclusions as to the conduct to follow after perusing our memorandum.

Please accept, dear colleagues, our esteemed consideration.

GLN

***message received from BATFINK, J @ Olswang.com***

Joe,

Thanks for the buzz of 03/06. Contents noted. After thinking out of and indeed around and about the box for five mins or so, I would propose as follows:

We think the reference to "breach of contract" as raised by yourselves is somewhat anachronistic, and instead we would refer to the Knowledge Industry Paperless Procurement & E-Contracting Resourcebook (KIPPER) - which was drafted by this firm, so don't mess. Specifically, clause 18 of chapter 2 thereof requires that when bad sh*t starts to go down, the parties to a transaction "act nicely". I therefore propose a mediation of this matter. As I'm sure you will agree is reasonable, there will be one arbitrator, namely me, and the venue of arbitration will be Starbuck's at Blackfriars.

I have reviewed briefly the remainder of your submissions in correspondence, but I do not think references to paper documents, still less statutes, are productive in this day and age.

I trust we are reading from the same page. If not, I'll see you in court (or rather, just outside the door because they don't let you in with trainers on).

Ciao,

J.

From Andersons Legal:

From the Administrators:

We found part of a letter from the above named with your address on it, but unfortunately the page is so badly mangled, we cannot make out the rest.

You have 21 days to reply and claim this as yours, otherwise it will join the list of assets to be auctioned off in order to raise funds for the unsecured creditors.

have a nice day

From: Farrer & Co.

Dear Hugo

Really super to see you at Henrietta's DP last week. Really really super evening. Gosh. I was sooooooo trashed by the end of it. Do you remember playing piggy back polo in her drawing room with Tom and Matt? We had the advantage of course, as you were by far the better pony. Still, as I used to say in our Harrow days, you make a terrific mount. Do you remember those long summer afternoons together in the old cricket hut? Happy days!

This tedious Brit Spaz business can wait till next month. I will palm it off on some grokkle clerk who will be in touch. Presume you are going to be at Venetia's party in Gloucestershire? I'll see you there, old chap.

Toodle pip.

Henry

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