I hate uni

I'm in third year, so not dropping out or anything. Just thought I'd write some of my feelings about my experience.

I love uni in that I'm exploring a topic I'm deeply interested in, but that's mostly it. Up to now, my experience of uni has been frustrating.

I always knew the workload was going to be great, so that's not what's bothered me. In fact, I think I might even thrive on stress at this point, and I love what I work on, so I know I'm good there. The thing is, the environment is so socially and competitively based.

I found that if you didn't join a friendship group in first year, then you were doomed to spend the rest of your uni years wandering lecture theatres alone, and seminar buddies were only that. In fact, most weren't even that. In many of my seminars I'd sit with people who you knew had pushy parents, or those who wanted to do their best to spite their parents, or whatever. They usually sat with me, the quiet kid, because they thought I was stupid. And the thing is, sometimes I didn't follow the seminar, but that's because I knew I could always do more reading and I'd get it. I get good grades, I'm proud of what I achieve, yet these people are so competitive that I still dread going to seminars now. They HAVE to know what you got on your last assignment, not out of friendliness, but so they can compare. They take joy out of a low grade you got, and then patronise you so that you might stay their seminar buddy. It's like a strange version of the weakest link, sticking with the 'idiot' until the end because you know you can beat them. They're the kind of people who, when you make a joke about a topic, they'll assume you're not playing dumb but you ARE dumb, and proceed to teach you the topic like you're Lindsay Lohan with an already answered maths question.

There are some kind people in seminars, obviously, but they're few and far between. You can share your worries with them, your stresses on work, but then you leave and you never see them again. Because you're both just venting to each other, but really helping the other out, just baking in your own self misery with another pitiful soul.

Before uni, I was a kind person - I at least like to think I was. My college class was so small, there was never any competition, we all just got on. If someone didn't get something, I gave them my notes, I'd even go out of my way to make extra notes. At uni, where everything is about competition, where nobody can be proud of anyone but themselves, where you're simply average if you get anything below a 70, I lost myself. I hate it. I hate that I'm not that kind person, that I'm watching my back constantly because I don't know if this person is my friend or just using me to make themselves feel great. I hate that there's no little groups any more that all come together to help, but these seminars where everyone is either keeping everything they know locked away or showing off their knowledge to the rest of the pack.

This is how I see uni. Not as this fun, amazing wild ride I'd been promised before I signed up. As a place where everyone needs to succeed, so they're willing to knock down anyone that could possibly get in their way. As a place where if you hold the 'wrong' views, you'll be told you do, constantly. As a place where people will try and outdo you in EVERYTHING, even if you don't know you're a competitor. As a place where some people will see someone crying, and they will forget their humanity in that moment. Because uni isn't a place for humanity, for weakness.