my essay about work experience for 'original writing' doesn't sound right, need help Watch

abderraouf
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This is the first part of my essay, can somebody tell me what im doing wrong, what grade in GCSE this is likely to achieve, and how i can improve..

This is coursework for original writing about my work experience:

On the 17th of May, students in year 10 were all assigned to partake in a work experience program for two weeks organised by the school. Students had a selection of work placements provided by the school and had the alternative to seek jobs independently if desired. Unfortunately, some jobs had limited placements, so several individuals couldn’t share their experiences with other schoolmates. In addition, each contributor was given a diary and a health and safety pack to use and it was highly enforced that students were to wear elegant clothing in order to convey the school’s high standards.

My first impression of the task on hand was that it would take a significantly large timeframe for me to adjust to the ‘working life’. This was because I have never had to undergo certain procedures that are as strict as such. Surprisingly, this wasn’t the case and it wasn’t long before I learnt the names of the staff members who I was working with, and knew my way around the building. Fortunately for me, I had the opportunity to work with a friend, which boosted my confidence phenomenally and thus possibly enhancing my working performance.

Initially, I applied to work in the Gee Street Courthouse, and was accepted. However, only one day before the given deadline, my job was cancelled and all of the work placements provided by the school had rapidly been claimed by other students. This left me with no choice but to
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rbilling
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Yo bredder wassup. We got bare mans doing dat work on da REGS dis year for real blud. Mandem don't ramp or dey get turfed. Brrrrap.
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abderraouf
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lol
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mollymustard
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What sort of perspective are you trying to write from? Your own?

If that is the case, the main problem is your register. Its just far too formal!

Don't refer to everyone as 'Students' as it has a strange clinical detatchment, and scrap 'additionally' as its not casual enough.
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kamie
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Why don't you go look at yesterday's thread and look at what we all said! Write about something interesting to start with - computers are magical and can move paragraphs around very easily so you don't have to start with the first one! The introduction can be the hardest to write, so just start by writing something that you liked!
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Plato123
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You could change the subject or just conjure an intresting event in your imagination which did not happen.
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It's A Well Known Fact...
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(Original post by abderraouf)
this is half of the first paragraph:

"On the 17th of May, year 10 students were all assigned to partake in a work experience program organised by the school. Students had a selection of work placements provided by the school and had the alternative to seek jobs independently if desired. Additionally, it was highly recommended that students wore elegant clothing ..........."
*Programme. Doesn't help your problem but I thought I should point it out
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abderraouf
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programme is american spelling right?
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It's A Well Known Fact...
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(Original post by abderraouf)
programme is american spelling right?
No program is the American spelling unless you are talking about a computer program. Then we use it as well
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abderraouf
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(Original post by It's A Well Known Fact...)
No program is the American spelling unless you are talking about a computer program. Then we use it as well
Oh cool, atleast i've learnt something today
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It's A Well Known Fact...
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(Original post by abderraouf)
Oh cool, atleast i've learnt something today
Glad to be of service I've done my good deed for the day. Woohoo
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