Am I overreacting? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 10 years ago
#1
Please, keep this anonymous.

So, I'm 20 and for most of my life I've lived with just my mum. I've always thought that we have a pretty good relationship and are very close and I still do feel that way.

However, since I've been away at University, I've come back with the idea that there might actually be something wrong? My mum seems to have a big issue with my weight and the way that I look, and she has ever since I hit puberty. I'm on the short side, a size 10/12 and probably about 5 lbs or so overweight, and my mum (who, incidentally, is a size 20) tends to be quite harsh with me about it, especially since I came home for the summer a few months ago - she'll watch and criticise what I eat and have a go at me if I decide I want something to eat and she doesn't deem it to be time for me to be hungry yet. When I go out for the day with my friends she tells me not to eat too much and to watch what I eat, etc. If I decide I'd like some chocolate she'll start getting really moody with me, and she'll often randomly tell me that she hopes I don't put on any more weight (I haven't put weight on for the past 2 years or so). She's always telling me that I do no exercise, even though I do an obscene amount of walking, especially when I'm at University.

I've also got a bit of a complex about various parts of my body as she's spent the last few years 'jokingly' pointing them out to me almost constantly and as a consequence I go out of my way to hide them, but when I tell her about it she shouts at me for suggesting it has anything to do with her and that it's all in my own mind. If I buy something on a shopping trip, I refuse to try them on it front of her as I feel like she'll be judging my body and the way that I look in them, and she also tries to tell me what I should wear - if I'm wearing something that she doesn't like, she'll make sure I know about it. She's brought me to tears with the things she says about my clothes and my body.

I'm incredibly self-conscious and I'm very critical of the way that I look - I was in the early stages of an ED a few years ago but I got found out very early on and thankfully I was given help and support (my mum is in full knowledge of all of this). My friends have had to deal with the brunt of my tears and depression over this and they're always telling me that I have nothing to worry about as they (apparently) don't think that I'm fat at all. However, I still feel like I am too short, too fat and too ugly for my mum to be proud of me, whilst at the same time I'm incredibly angry at her for the way she acts about my body and my weight. What I want to know is, am I overreacting? Am I just being too sensitive about all of this and need to toughen up a bit?

It's making me really depressed and I've spent the last month or so just wishing that I was anywhere but at home. Please, any advice will be really helpful.
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randomgirl
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#2
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You need to tell your mum that her behaviour and verbal abuse (which is essentially what it is) is out of order and is hurting you. I'm very inclined to say that she is obviously jealous of your size and consequently is being horrible to you.

Do you have any other family members who have picked up on her negative comments towards you? If so, maybe ask them to speak with her also.
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Josh145
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#3
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ahh ... nothing wrong with you

your mum's just out of line i'm afraid. If she's judging you on how you look then she needs serious parenting lessons. (besides 10/12 is pretty normal isn't it?) Listen to your friends, they sound like good ones.

don't listen to her Josh
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 10 years ago
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I've had another member of my family commenting on the same sorts of things as she does occasionally, but that's it. We live alone in the north and the rest of our family live in London or abroad so they don't really get to see our everyday lives.

The thing is that apart from this, me and my mum have a really good relationship and she has been really supportive in terms of getting me to University and things like that, so when I tell her she's not being supportive or she's being unreasonable about her expectations in terms of my weight and stuff she'll start screaming that how dare I say she's not being supportive or whatever, because she's been nothing but. I've also tried to tell her before that her behaviour is really detrimental to my own self-image, but she tells me I'm being ridiculous and really ungrateful/selfish.

So consequently I get stuck into a corner where I can't 'fight back' (can't think of the right phrase!). And I don't want to say anything to my friends or relatives because I love my mum, and I don't want them to think ill of her.

I just feel really stuck
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mollymustard
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I don't think you are being paranoid, or over sensitive, your mothers comments seem very hurtful.
I think if you sat down and had a chat with her about how much all this is hurting you, then she may be forced to listen and stop making the personal comments.
Try not to listen to what she does say, a Size 10-12 is perfectly normal, and I'd be suprised if you were overweight in any way shape or form.

What your mother is saying is increadibly spiteful. She is clearly trying to control your actions, maybe because she feels like she is not in control of her own habits as she is a Size 20.
It sounds like a horrible form of jealousy which should be stopped as soon as possible to avoid it ruining your relationshop with her.

If she won't listen or stop the behaviour then I suggest writing her a letter. It may sound cheesy, but she is bound to read it throughout and it may give her a better idea of how her actions are effecting you.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 10 years ago
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I think maybe it's because I'm a 10/12 but I'm not as toned as I probably should be...

But yes, thanks Josh, that's really nice of you
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Y'anami!
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My mom's almost the same, but not as harsh as your mom and I used to act almost exactly like you did.. so I don't think you're overreacting at all. Being criticised about body image is one of the most hurtful things as far as I know.

What I did in the end was ignore her. As in, when she says something, I make sure she knows I'm ignoring her (look away, roll eyes, don't say anything etc.,). It lets her know that I just don't care what she thinks anymore. I might also add that my mom is exactly like yours in that she's really close to me. She really just wants the best for you, but sometimes us "kids" know a lot better than they do. I think she has way too high standards because 10/12 is not fat.. At ALL. You need to start judging for yourself honey, I bet you're gorgeous :]
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flecalicious
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I agree with what everyone else has said - you're 20, obviously not a kid any more, and she needs to know that. She also needs to know just how much she's hurting you, because it's really not healthy. I think the letter idea is fantastic

And one last thing - 10/12 is not fat! I know how you feel as I'm the same size and I also have problems with my self-esteem and confidence, but let me tell you now - no matter how much you weigh, if you're confident you'll be sexy too. It's hard to put into practice, I know, but just give it a go and don't let her get you down!

Have a long, long talk with her about it, and tell her everything you've told us. You've got nothing to lose
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 10 years ago
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Thanks for all your help guys... I'm thinking that maybe I'll try talking to her about it again. I'm really hoping it will work this time!!

If it doesn't, does anyone know of anything else I can do? I really want to get this sorted :/
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