GCSE grade for this piece of descriptive writing? Watch

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username130457
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Hey!

Can anyone please give me an approximate grade for this piece of descriptive writing at the moment. Also, please advice me of ways in which i can further improve it. I'm aiming for a high B/A, an A* will be nice if it's possible :p:.

Question is : "Describe a scene at a market place on a Saturday morning."

Board is : WJEC English Language Writing 1

"Stillness of the dawn was displaced by the scheduled game of the morning gusts. Pages of newsletters and Kit-Kat wrappers flew around in typhoon-like motions scraping against a banner, which was crucified against a brick- wall using four large black nails, expanded and compressed like a heart, displaying ‘Sell it Market Place.’

From the edge, the faint noise of an engine was stopping and starting repetitively. Eventually, from a bird-view over the steep gradient, a Ford car sluggishly forwarded. Despite the Ford’s early arrival, the ear-splitting buzzer of the Vauxhall in its rear view roared in rage. It repeatedly did this to bully the Ford further up the steep hill to an empty space within the car-park.

Once the quarrel was over, the cars tried to park with absolute accuracy between the two yellow parking lines in order to prevent any costly collisions. This procedure recurred until, within a matter of time, the yellow lines were ceased to be seen. As they were infested by a population of streamlined cars with only a few reservations for the Ford-like cars which came earlier on the day.
The revolution of cars came to a halt, and soon was replaced by the hustle and bustle of modern life.

Customers emerged towards the automatic double glass-doors which slid; welcoming customers by a warm breeze emitted by the immersion heaters mantled behind the core doors of the market.

A girl, dressed in a Mother Fairy costume, abraded the stone floors with her rigid sandals. Refusing to enter the market, she sat down on the frost floors, crossing her legs securely together whilst her mother powerfully yanked her from her shoulder with Stallion force in the direction of the cash machine. She then burst into tears, as she glanced at her ‘magic’ wand; which was seized away by her mother who held it with a firm grip. She then swirled her head, and glanced within the translucent doors of the market opposite of her. To her surprise, the Fairy Queen toy rested against a chair, facing her in the same direction. The girl, oblivious of her mother’s previous lectures about good behaviour, stared at the Fairy Queen with mother and daughter affection as she waited for a sign of numbness within her mother’s hands.
She broke free, running closer to the divine force which emanated from the Fairy Queen.

She hugged her, asking the Fairy Queen whether she could borrow her wand, which pointed diagonally at the ceiling, for a ‘trick’. Automatically presuming the acceptance of the Fairy Queen, she adjusted the wand, pointing it at her mother’s figure in the hope that it will magically cast a freezing spell. Unfortunately, the girl’s spells have failed despite the spirit that summoned within her during the cast of the spell. Her distraught mother then, quite grimly, reclaimed her daughter’s consciousness, with a tight grip and a few sharp words as they slouched towards the fruit-stall.

At the fruit stall, an elderly couple strolled from crate to crate. They rigorously examined every spot on every strawberry and every blemish on every apple. Then, during their outrage by the ridiculous prices which were displayed on slippery flags, the man attempted to negotiate the prices with the shop-keeper who, during his serving to other customers, ignored the old man’s natter and gave him a smug look. The elderly couple, drowned by dissatisfaction inverted their vision away towards the south hoping to find a bargain.

South of the fruit-shop was cluttered by typical roaming children who all stood alongside the chocolate nibbling squirrels.

All this fuss accustomed around a small smart artificial fountain of sprinkling dark-brown chocolate. People behind it advanced in dignified lines, witnessing its other-worldly live view. Even the children watched; surprisingly ceaseless of any discussion. As they scratched against their scalps, trying to comprehend how this ‘thing’ might work, simultaneously watching customers pick their choices from an array of ordinary everyday fruits and cakes.

Next in the queue was a youth dressed in under-sized jeans and hair which completely encapsulated his forehead. After an awkward pause of angus-eyeing the choices layered on the table, he skilfully slid his card-like hands inside his fashionably-padded pockets. Moving them up and down like an ice globe in need of resetting. Once the sounds of the coins came to existence; he battled against his pocket, eventually sliding and captivating a thick one pound coin within his left hand. He then began to pick his choices, pausing, and then humming between every choice.

Torture began after picking his choices, as the skewer penetrated the heart of every fruit, and then, without remorse, plunged under a pool of chocolate – suffocating every hole of the strawberry.

He left the delirious atmosphere summoned by the presence of the children. Then, intrigued by the sight of his chocolate dropping onto the plastic plate, he dismantled the fruit from the skewer, mixing it with melting chocolate. After eating three of his choices, he had to face his last - a chocolate-covered-pineapple. He took a bite. The juice of the pineapple diffused, making the youth’s lips red and moisture. He pouted, composing a popping tune by his lips which reacted in reflex to the sourness induced by the pineapple juice. After the effect was over, he made his way towards the east, looking round cautiously for a friend or two.

The atmosphere in the eastern part of the market was bustling with activity. Entrance to the Fish market was clearly indicated by a header which flickered with varying colours of the spectrum.

Walking past the entrance, the ‘Fresh Fish’ stall was the customers’ first destiny, where they were welcomed by the spotlights vividly highlighting the daily massacre of the gawping fishes which were laid on top of ice. With Christmas hollies used to decorate the outlining surrounding the ice. Seemingly used as a sign of tribute by the fish monger.

The fish monger wore a distinctive stripy black and white apron animated with a logo of a ‘happy’ clip-art fish aligned at the centre. He stood, serving an old lady which requested one of his ‘best fresh salmons’. In answer to her appeal, he extended his left bare hand further into the chills of the chamber; grabbing a random salmon from the display of fisher. He then laid the fish’s body on a rectangular utensil board, displaying the history of previous massacres by scratches inflicted by a knife. Grabbing his razor sharp knife within his right hand, he compressed the fish’s body with his left, mutilating the fish. The knife ran horizontally through the scales, slithering and exposing the flesh as it made its way to the other end. This was followed by three equal vertical slices. Three fleshless pieces were then accumulated; wrapped and compressed by a paper which soaked in fresh sea-water, as it came in contact with the nude slices of the fish. They were then handed back to the old lady, who put them under her shoulder. Opening her purse and then dropping three one pound coins against the counter. She left and then headed towards the weighty doors of the eastern exit.

Different mature people stood swapping the joys of being humble by holding the heavy exit doors for people who entering and exiting.

Outside the market, only streamlined cars were parked, with some which waited outside having open roofs as the mild shadowy shine of the sunset subsided.

Standing in the shade was a mother and her young boy, both cluttered around in a diameter of shopping bags. The young boy seemed particularly fond of his new spider-man toy, being the only bag he held. He swung its large rectangular box in fast-speed windmill motions – trying to cool his mother with the breeze of the air as they waited in boredom for the taxi."

First part re-written, please comment with grade.
Thank you .
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Ed.
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It's between a D and A* !

How the hell are we supposed to know ?
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username130457
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(Original post by Ed.)
It's between a D and A* !

How the hell are we supposed to know ?
I don't know. I'm talking to people who know the mark scheme from their own work ?
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greenwaytph
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probably an A or an A*. Its very hard to tell though without actually having the question. Is it complete because it seems a tad short???
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username130457
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(Original post by greenwaytph)
probably an A or an A*. Its very hard to tell though without actually having the question. Is it complete because it seems a tad short???
Yes, it's not all of it. Just a sample of my work to avoid plagiarism etc...

And the question is, "Describe a scene at a market place on a Saturday morning."
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Kestrel_Lover_Sophie
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These are a few points I noticed.
I'm not going to grade as it won't be very accurate and it can be difficult to tell from such a short piece.

1. Watch the repetition of words/phrases, e.g. primary concern...primary concern.

2.What does 'anterior' mean?

3. Some of the sentences don't seem to quite make sense, e.g. 'leading every sensor in their body to a dilemma' Being 'led' to a dilemma doesn't sound quite right to me.

To be honest it seems a little overcomplicated and a little bit trying-too-hard.
Too many adjectives and descriptions where not necessary and not contributing to the main theme of the story leads to 'purple prose' and is not very pleasant to read. Decide what you are writing about and the main theme and focus on that. Is it the audience, is it the crowd of customers, is it the market stalls? Perhaps a little more structure, e.g. paragraphs, would help that.
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jseldis
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Not great in all honesty. I'd say maybe a C/D. This is for several reasons. The grammar is dreadful - 'customers awaited outside...' should be 'Customers 'waited' outside'.

It just looks to me that you don't really know what you're doing and you've dug out a thesaurus. Here's a tip; with a thesaurus you have to put words in the right context.

There's also several sections there where the sentences don't make any sense at all. It does look like you're trying far too hard to sound clever, and in actual fact you'd get higher grades for writing honestly.
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username130457
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(Original post by Kestrel_Lover_Sophie)
These are a few points I noticed.
I'm not going to grade as it won't be very accurate and it can be difficult to tell from such a short piece.

1. Watch the repetition of words/phrases, e.g. primary concern...primary concern.

2.What does 'anterior' mean?

3. Some of the sentences don't seem to quite make sense, e.g. 'leading every sensor in their body to a dilemma' Being 'led' to a dilemma doesn't sound quite right to me.

To be honest it seems a little overcomplicated and a little bit trying-too-hard.
Too many adjectives and descriptions where not necessary and not contributing to the main theme of the story leads to 'purple prose' and is not very pleasant to read. Decide what you are writing about and the main theme and focus on that. Is it the audience, is it the crowd of customers, is it the market stalls? Perhaps a little more structure, e.g. paragraphs, would help that.
Do you think I should completely re-draft the piece or are there some good parts which I could use?
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Masucha
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"Customers who came alone watched a number of couples who clutched onto each others' body admiring the scene of how they could be doing it too."

This sentance needs work. A lot of work.
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jseldis
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
Do you think I should completely re-draft the piece or are there some good parts which I could use?
Very few A/A* standard parts. You may want to start again without a thesaurus.
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choc-addict--x
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It doesn't need to be as complicated as that to achieve an A/A* lol. Use a variety of techniques like similes/metaphors/personification etc but keep it simple and don't make it over the top. There's loads of great ideas in there though!
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Ed.
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Hang a minute that passage is as muddy as anything.
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greenwaytph
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lol to avoid plagiarism. Paranoid or what!!!
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Kestrel_Lover_Sophie
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
Do you think I should completely re-draft the piece or are there some good parts which I could use?
I would write an entirely new plan for this piece of writing - i.e.
First I'm going to write about the scenery and describe that,
second I'll write about three specific types of people in the crowd [couples, teenagers, lonely single people for instance] and describe them,
thirdly I'll write about what happens when the doors open and
finally I shall write about the aftermath.
A first draft is often chaotic because you want to write down all your ideas before you forget them and neglect the bigger picture and any structure to bind the piece together.

Once you have this plan you might want to go through the original piece and pick out phrases, devices and sentences you particularly like and which you think are effective and make sure you encorporate those into your second draft.

Once you have a plan and those good ideas start to rewrite and I'm pretty sure the second version will be a great improvement: easier to read but still keeping your personal writing style and the best parts of your text.
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username130457
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Does anyone know what this would get like this? I'm not asking you to be accurate or anything, just an approximation would be fine .
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jseldis
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Seriously. I said it before. I got A*A* at English, have seen pretty much all of my mates scripts. That was on par with the C/D scripts i've seen.
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SylverStrike
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Yeah, I'd say C/D sort of standard. Could you kill the semi-colon any more than you have done? Bunging semi-colons in where commas should be does not equal a high grade.
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choc-addict--x
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Yeh I doubt it will be higher than a mid B because the sentences are muddled up, which will bring the grade down a lot, even there are very good metaphors in there etc.
It's just the way the mark scheme works.
In my English course, if we don't write in paragraphs we can't get higher than a C even if the content is A* standard.
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username130457
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I'm doing it because I don't want to destroy my coursework file.

A* in Reading and, say, a C in Writing will look pretty, stupid?
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blackdragonthegreat
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
Hey!

Can anyone please give me an approximate grade for this piece of descriptive writing at the moment. Also, please advice me of ways in which i can further improve it. I'm aiming for a high B/A, an A* will be nice if it's possible :p:.

" Customers awaited outside the market doors intolerantly, all congested beneath a banner displaying 'Los Angeles Market place.' Every now and then, the banner fluttered and the inevitable gusts of wind stricken the customers who encapsulated themselves with by leading every sensor in their body to a dilemma of utilising their fat cells in order to try and insulate their bodies.

Customers who came alone watched a number of couples who clutched onto each others' body admiring the scene of how they could be doing it too.
But the darts of ice which numbed their bodies was not their primary concern. Presence of everybody's primary concern spirited anterior to them.

A crowd of devoted adolescents gathered anterior to the market's doors. Coming together every now and so. Sprinting to the doors. And then stopping to breath. Sprinting to the doors. And then stopping to breath. With this process continuing as the mature audience from behind watched.

However, their reluctant audience were not just watching. They tapped their heels on the floor, attempting to compose a tune. As they stared at everyone one another they often mimicked a figure which was paralyzed on the verge of death. Laughing and then looking forward at the anterior to look for any updates.

A halt hastened over the melody and the crowd. The silence inverted the crowd's vision to the anterior as the doors of the market began to push apart, sluggishly.
Violence incorporated as the trampling toys battled like contortionists attempting to demonstrate their wrath by outstretching their physical abilities to the main heating resource in the market.

In a fraction of a second they encircled the immersion heater like priests conducting a ritual.
A gnomic serene figure appeared from the distance. He approached the market. Driving closer to the immersion heater, he ceased walking and contemplated ways in which he could get past without his presence lingering any attention to the adolescents. Dubious marks grew on his face as he angus-eyed the group; who were still congested in the same corner unceasing of their ritual. Taking seize of their delirious state; the boy made an enthusiastic strike to the cologne shop."

Thank you .
When I read this script, I felt it was very intense. It was full of so much energy, which made it so hard to digest and understand. Extemely badly descriptive. Just relax, and start this all over again. Grade C (my opinion).
10/10 for effort though
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