GCSE grade for this piece of descriptive writing?

Hey!

Can anyone please give me an approximate grade for this piece of descriptive writing at the moment. Also, please advice me of ways in which i can further improve it. I'm aiming for a high B/A, an A* will be nice if it's possible :p:

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Question is : "Describe a scene at a market place on a Saturday morning."

Board is : WJEC English Language Writing 1

"Stillness of the dawn was displaced by the scheduled game of the morning gusts. Pages of newsletters and Kit-Kat wrappers flew around in typhoon-like motions scraping against a banner, which was crucified against a brick- wall using four large black nails, expanded and compressed like a heart, displaying ‘Sell it Market Place.’

From the edge, the faint noise of an engine was stopping and starting repetitively. Eventually, from a bird-view over the steep gradient, a Ford car sluggishly forwarded. Despite the Ford’s early arrival, the ear-splitting buzzer of the Vauxhall in its rear view roared in rage. It repeatedly did this to bully the Ford further up the steep hill to an empty space within the car-park.

Once the quarrel was over, the cars tried to park with absolute accuracy between the two yellow parking lines in order to prevent any costly collisions. This procedure recurred until, within a matter of time, the yellow lines were ceased to be seen. As they were infested by a population of streamlined cars with only a few reservations for the Ford-like cars which came earlier on the day.
The revolution of cars came to a halt, and soon was replaced by the hustle and bustle of modern life.

Customers emerged towards the automatic double glass-doors which slid; welcoming customers by a warm breeze emitted by the immersion heaters mantled behind the core doors of the market.

A girl, dressed in a Mother Fairy costume, abraded the stone floors with her rigid sandals. Refusing to enter the market, she sat down on the frost floors, crossing her legs securely together whilst her mother powerfully yanked her from her shoulder with Stallion force in the direction of the cash machine. She then burst into tears, as she glanced at her ‘magic’ wand; which was seized away by her mother who held it with a firm grip. She then swirled her head, and glanced within the translucent doors of the market opposite of her. To her surprise, the Fairy Queen toy rested against a chair, facing her in the same direction. The girl, oblivious of her mother’s previous lectures about good behaviour, stared at the Fairy Queen with mother and daughter affection as she waited for a sign of numbness within her mother’s hands.
She broke free, running closer to the divine force which emanated from the Fairy Queen.

She hugged her, asking the Fairy Queen whether she could borrow her wand, which pointed diagonally at the ceiling, for a ‘trick’. Automatically presuming the acceptance of the Fairy Queen, she adjusted the wand, pointing it at her mother’s figure in the hope that it will magically cast a freezing spell. Unfortunately, the girl’s spells have failed despite the spirit that summoned within her during the cast of the spell. Her distraught mother then, quite grimly, reclaimed her daughter’s consciousness, with a tight grip and a few sharp words as they slouched towards the fruit-stall.

At the fruit stall, an elderly couple strolled from crate to crate. They rigorously examined every spot on every strawberry and every blemish on every apple. Then, during their outrage by the ridiculous prices which were displayed on slippery flags, the man attempted to negotiate the prices with the shop-keeper who, during his serving to other customers, ignored the old man’s natter and gave him a smug look. The elderly couple, drowned by dissatisfaction inverted their vision away towards the south hoping to find a bargain.

South of the fruit-shop was cluttered by typical roaming children who all stood alongside the chocolate nibbling squirrels.

All this fuss accustomed around a small smart artificial fountain of sprinkling dark-brown chocolate. People behind it advanced in dignified lines, witnessing its other-worldly live view. Even the children watched; surprisingly ceaseless of any discussion. As they scratched against their scalps, trying to comprehend how this ‘thing’ might work, simultaneously watching customers pick their choices from an array of ordinary everyday fruits and cakes.

Next in the queue was a youth dressed in under-sized jeans and hair which completely encapsulated his forehead. After an awkward pause of angus-eyeing the choices layered on the table, he skilfully slid his card-like hands inside his fashionably-padded pockets. Moving them up and down like an ice globe in need of resetting. Once the sounds of the coins came to existence; he battled against his pocket, eventually sliding and captivating a thick one pound coin within his left hand. He then began to pick his choices, pausing, and then humming between every choice.

Torture began after picking his choices, as the skewer penetrated the heart of every fruit, and then, without remorse, plunged under a pool of chocolate – suffocating every hole of the strawberry.

He left the delirious atmosphere summoned by the presence of the children. Then, intrigued by the sight of his chocolate dropping onto the plastic plate, he dismantled the fruit from the skewer, mixing it with melting chocolate. After eating three of his choices, he had to face his last - a chocolate-covered-pineapple. He took a bite. The juice of the pineapple diffused, making the youth’s lips red and moisture. He pouted, composing a popping tune by his lips which reacted in reflex to the sourness induced by the pineapple juice. After the effect was over, he made his way towards the east, looking round cautiously for a friend or two.

The atmosphere in the eastern part of the market was bustling with activity. Entrance to the Fish market was clearly indicated by a header which flickered with varying colours of the spectrum.

Walking past the entrance, the ‘Fresh Fish’ stall was the customers’ first destiny, where they were welcomed by the spotlights vividly highlighting the daily massacre of the gawping fishes which were laid on top of ice. With Christmas hollies used to decorate the outlining surrounding the ice. Seemingly used as a sign of tribute by the fish monger.

The fish monger wore a distinctive stripy black and white apron animated with a logo of a ‘happy’ clip-art fish aligned at the centre. He stood, serving an old lady which requested one of his ‘best fresh salmons’. In answer to her appeal, he extended his left bare hand further into the chills of the chamber; grabbing a random salmon from the display of fisher. He then laid the fish’s body on a rectangular utensil board, displaying the history of previous massacres by scratches inflicted by a knife. Grabbing his razor sharp knife within his right hand, he compressed the fish’s body with his left, mutilating the fish. The knife ran horizontally through the scales, slithering and exposing the flesh as it made its way to the other end. This was followed by three equal vertical slices. Three fleshless pieces were then accumulated; wrapped and compressed by a paper which soaked in fresh sea-water, as it came in contact with the nude slices of the fish. They were then handed back to the old lady, who put them under her shoulder. Opening her purse and then dropping three one pound coins against the counter. She left and then headed towards the weighty doors of the eastern exit.

Different mature people stood swapping the joys of being humble by holding the heavy exit doors for people who entering and exiting.

Outside the market, only streamlined cars were parked, with some which waited outside having open roofs as the mild shadowy shine of the sunset subsided.

Standing in the shade was a mother and her young boy, both cluttered around in a diameter of shopping bags. The young boy seemed particularly fond of his new spider-man toy, being the only bag he held. He swung its large rectangular box in fast-speed windmill motions – trying to cool his mother with the breeze of the air as they waited in boredom for the taxi."

First part re-written, please comment with grade.
Thank you :smile:

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Reply 20

SylverStrike

Ramadulla

I'm doing it because I don't want to destroy my coursework file.

A* in Reading and, say, a C in Writing will look pretty, stupid?

It's very good that you want to improve, but I'd say that discussing this with your teachers is probably your best bet in terms of grading this piece accurately and making points for improvement. :smile:

Reply 21

Muppety_Kid

Ramadulla

Does anyone know what this would get like this? I'm not asking you to be accurate or anything, just an approximation would be fine :smile:

I'd say it's probably above a C, since you've got good spelling and you've used paragraphs (leave a line in between instead of indenting for clarity).

However (new paragraph, as indicated by the blank line above), as the others have said, it does sound like you're trying too hard. Try and be less formal and loosen up a little. You need to imagine you're talking to your grandma - you'd be more formal than speaking to your friends, but you're not speaking to the Queen. :p:

Hope this helps

EDIT: As SylverStrike said, I'm not sure you understand how to use semicolons ( :wink:

. You should only use them in places where it could be the end of a sentence, and not just instead of a comma. For example:

Taking seize of their delirious state; the boy made an enthusiastic strike to the cologne shop.

No. This doesn't work - put a full stop in instead of the semicolon and you'll see what I mean (to clarify, a full stop doesn't work either, but you can use it to test if a semicolon would work). You get:

Taking seize of their delirious state. The boy made an enthusiastic strike to the cologne shop.

If you stop reading after "taking seize of their delirious state.", you think "eh?". I don't know how to explain it, but it just doesn't work.

Still pushing her pram, she came upon the left section of the market – the lighting there struck heavily on the 'toys' section, making it prone to the baby's prying eyes.

Instead of the hyphen (-), you could use a semicolon here.

Still pushing her pram, she came upon the left section of the market; the lighting there struck heavily on the 'toys' section, making it prone to the baby's prying eyes.

Put a full stop in instead:

Still pushing her pram, she came upon the left section of the market. The lighting there struck heavily on the 'toys' section, making it prone to the baby's prying eyes.

This does work. Can you see the difference between the first example and the second?

Hope this makes it clearer :smile:

Reply 22

username130457

Added the rest.

Reply 23

username130457

SylverStrike

I would. If my teacher is ever in...

Reply 24

Adampolar

Ramadulla

" Customers awaited outside the market doors intolerantly, all congested beneath a banner displaying 'Los Angeles Market place.' Every now and then, the banner fluttered and the inevitable gusts of wind stricken the customers who encapsulated themselves with by leading every sensor in their body to a dilemma of utilising their fat cells in order to try and insulate their bodies. "

That sentence is very long, it also doesn't make sense.
Btw, how is using fat cells as insulation a dilemma?
CD grade IMO

Reply 25

Oldspeak

Ramadulla

Hey!

Every now and then, the banner fluttered and the inevitable gusts of wind stricken the customers who encapsulated themselves with by leading every sensor in their body to a dilemma of utilising their fat cells in order to try and insulate their bodies.

You really really do not need to describe every single movement in so much depth. As long as you pepper the essay with a few outstanding similes/metaphors then you'll get your A*. Channel your focus more on grammar.

Reply 26

thanette

I'm a teacher of English, and this would gain a B grade. You need to work on your intro sentence-how will it grab your reader's attention? To gain the a/a*:

-switch between past/present-e.g. use a flashback? Begin piece in a previous time period

-use a wide varitey of punctuation

-ensure your sentences are concise-they are fluent and flow-no gr.mistakes

-original ideas and gripping, realistic content

-most of all, for your piece... VARY YOUR PARA AND SENTENCE LENGTHS!!! Yours are all similar throughout atm. Also check that WITHIN sentences in 1st/2nd para that you don't switch tense-you did this somewhere.

But you have tried hard, and a teacher will realise you are attempting an eloquent, realistic, original piece.

PS: could you involve the reader using 2nd person? one sentence para questioning them, for example...

:smile:

Reply 27

thanette

PS. do not use a full stop after 'taking seize..delirous state' as one poster advised.

Reply 28

PinPin

I'd give it a C. It doesn't flow, and to be honest i stopped reading it quite quickly because your style made me cringe a bit.

In my opinion, english, or creative writing, is something that comes naturally, you've either got it or you haven't, and you seem like a grade d student trying to push yourself to an a*, in all the wrong ways (using complicated language and types of punctuation in the wrong situations etc).

Don't like to be mean but i don't want you to be disappointed if you don't get the grade you're expecting. Try writing what comes naturally to you instead of trying so hard! You might be surprised :smile:

Reply 29

zef99

just realax, don't try to impress. write well not what you think would appear good. be simple, it's often the most effective. hook clear but intriguing sentences upon an inticing story. don't be too flashy.

Reply 30

username130457

PinPin

Grade D student :confused:

? Maybe in this part of English...

Reply 31

Smoobla

I know it's meant to be descriptive, but I think that's a bit too descriptive...

Probably better than anything I'd attempt though!

Reply 32

Muppety_Kid

thanette

PS. do not use a full stop after 'taking seize..delirous state' as one poster advised.

Sorry, that was me - maye I didn't make it clear. I was trying to illustrate when you can and can't use a semicolon. I didn't actually mean for him to put a full stop, you were halfway through my worked example :wink:

Reply 33

PinPin

Ramadulla

Grade D student :confused:

? Maybe in this part of English...

I don't mean you ARE a grade D student, i mean that writing that way will make you seem like one. Trying too hard is really obvious.

what are you predicted, just out of interest?

Reply 34

Kashya

Mhmm, I'll agree with what's been said. It seems that you are trying way too hard. Its just not flowing and makes it increasingly annoying to read. You need to relax a little bit.

Reply 35

username130457

Ok. I'd be fine if anyone, first of all, helped me to get this grade to a definite B.

Like everyone else is saying, I'm trying hard. I need at-least a B to have any chance to get an A overall on my coursework. TSR is my last chance because my teacher isn't in and coursework is being collected on Wednesday. :frown:

I'm so screwed.

If anyone has time, can they pick a paragraph from my writing and work it out to a higher standard just for a sample, of which i can use for the rest of my writing. I just need to get the gist, to be honest.

Thank you so much everyone! :smile:

Reply 36

blissy

Teachers find it really difficult to mark a piece of descriptive writing accurately. I'm sure we're not going to be able to do the job properly. Especially if you've not specified the question/exam board/spec etc

Reply 37

thanette

Muppety_Kid

No probs!I've just realised that coulda sounded a bit harsh-I didn't mean to come across this way if it did :biggrin:

Reply 38

username130457

PinPin

I don't mean you ARE a grade D student, i mean that writing that way will make you seem like one. Trying too hard is really obvious.

what are you predicted, just out of interest?

A/B in Language and an A* in Literature.

This descriptive writing part of the exam/coursework is seriously going to muddle up my overall performance. :rolleyes:

Reply 39

thanette

And, op, you are NOT screwed at all. After editing, you will get secure B for sure. Wish my kids were this bloody bothered about their grades, and meeting deadlines ;P respect to you!