A poem in progress Watch

Alice_G
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#1
Report Thread starter 10 years ago
#1
Hi all,
Was just wondering what you thought of this. It is my take on the poem "Without You".

"Without you, warmth turns to a cold sweat,
and the rosy glow of my cheeks in your prescence turns to palour,
Without you, genuity makes the opaque transparent and empathy is like putting your hand into an oversized glove.
In your absence, my head is filled with so much air that baloons cannot float away, and my dance of excitement at seeing you becomes a funeral march"

This is pure work in progress, but would just like your opinions.


Alice_G
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Noémie
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#2
Report 10 years ago
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this is my personal opinion.

i dont like it when the poem begins with small words then goes on to high falooting words.
i dont like high faluting words in general, actually.
love is so simple that i find big words cheapen it.
the balloons floating away bit is too much.
id have said something along the lines of (trying not to put my own style on it)...

without you, my everything turns to your nothing.
passion and bodies' lock turns to empty sweat.
without you, i feed my hand into the glove you left on my floor
and i'm swamped and drowning. that's your empathy.
you've gone. left me. it feels like my head is about to float away into the clouds
because i don't want to stay on the ground anymore.
without you, notes in music turn to funeral drone.


who am i kidding, i changed it a lot. i can't explain how i'd like it to sound, when i write about love i always make it simple.
also im not sure if you're talking about how much you love someone and missing them before they come back OR if they've dumped you and you're angry at them for makign you feel like this.


yeah.
opinion only!
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