Jealously destroying my relationship Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 10 years ago
#1
Please keep this anon, as my BF/friends may read this and not everyone knows how I feel, neither do I wish them to.

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. He is older than me and so therefore has had serious relationships in the past, and the things you expect an adult to have done.

I love him very much, and he is absolutely lovely to me; we make each other sickeningly happy, he says that he never realised how happy two people could be etc. and although that is a cliche, I really believe him.

However, I have a huge problem dealing with my feelings about his past. He has had two main relationships, one of which was for over 5 years. However, this relationship ended over 6 years ago.

When we first started dating, we didn't expect it to last, and so consequently were really frank with each other about what we had both done with ex partners and stuff. I have really irrational visions of my boyfriend and his ex's and I think about him and them all the time. We were just on holiday, and I'm always asking "did you do this", "where did you go with them", just stupid questions. I found an old video camera, which had a video in and I watched it.....use you imagination as to what it contained. This was only about 4 months into our relationship and he destroyed it and the camera because it obviously upset me, and was not angry in the slightest I had invaded his privacy, which I am aware was wrong. But this means I think about even his most private moments of past relationships.

I do seriously want to get over feelings like this. When I get something in my head, I am like the provererbial dog with a bone and have to know/ask. My BF, bless him, is so patient. He is jealous himself, but over me going out and getting "cracked on" by other guys, so we have completely different jealousies.

Is anyone else like this? What can I do? I know I should just think he is with me now, we all have a past, but sometimes I just can't. I don't know if breaking up would put us both out of occasional misery, but I know he would be distraught and I would be too.

I probably seem like a complete loon, I have had pretty long relationships in the past and never felt like this though!
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half face
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#2
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Everyone has a past, you really have to learn to accept that. What exactly do you achieve by imagining him in every possible situation with his ex-lovers? I can't imagine it makes you feel that great. So why do you do it? Really, if you are looking for a surefire way to destroy your relationship, you've found it right there. You're lucky your boyfriend has been this patient so far, because sooner or later he'll just say "ok, enough is enough". Then you'll spend all your time imagining what could have been if you'd only been more trusting. Sorry to be blunt, but it's all true. You have to accept that he has a past, put in in the past and keep telling yourself that he is with YOU.
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thanette
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#3
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Half face seconded here; realise that he is with you and wouldn't be if he didn't want to be-and think about how you'd feel if he was like that with you constantly. What is the age gap btw??
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Valkyrja
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#4
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I'm stupidly jealous, my boyfriend knows this. He has an ex who cheated on him and who he's now best friends with, they meet up occasionally and I go UP THE WALL. I also get ratty around A LOT of his female friends (though to be fair most of them have slept with him or at least tried to at some point).

Thing is he's incredibly loyal, so I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but I still get territorial and *****y. We've learnt to accept it, it annoys him sometimes, but we talk through it and just accept im a jealous person in terms of our relationship, and its mainly to do with my insecurities as opposed to our relationship.

I would suggest talking fully and frankly with him and getting him to see that yeh you may get jealous but its not his fault, its yours. As soon as you accept and acknowledge it, it becomes much less of a problem.
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suek
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#5
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Breaking up is no solution - you've already said you make each other happy.

If you broke up, you'd only end up feeling this way with another man, a man who doesn't make you this happy maybe? What are the odds you'd find someone else who had never had a realtionship before, you're obviously at an age now where that's not likely.

Basically, you just need to conquer your jealousy issues; it's all you here I'm afraid. You need to find a way to get over it.

Thankfully I don't feel this sort of way with my boyfriend.. it's probably because I have exes too, I guess.. I can put it in perspective. Yes, I know there's been other girls, but there's been other guys for me. The fact that I don't think about them anymore - that I can barely remember a lot of what being with them was like even - means it shouldn't have any impact on him. And I guess that's how I deal with it, because I reckon he feels that way too about his exes.

Maybe it's easier because it was like 2 years between his ex and me, and 3 years between my ex and him..
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apresmoi
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#6
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Getting over The Past thing can be a bit of an issue, and it is weird. He has a past, but i'm sure you do to, everyone does its not what matters. What matters is the present. Besides wouldn't it just be weird going out with someone who didn't have a past? Unless they were like sixteen or something.

My boyfriends past lives in the same house as him. That causes me a few Jealousy issues, well not so much issues, more that I just purely dislike her The annoying thing is having to pretend to be constantly cool about these things.

Try to forget those images, why not replace them with images of how happy you two are together? Otherwise you're going to ruin this for yourself. Then once you're over it and meet someone else, you'd only have to deal with the same issues over and over again

good luck though
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half face
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#7
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(Original post by Reilly)
I'm stupidly jealous, my boyfriend knows this. He has an ex who cheated on him and who he's now best friends with, they meet up occasionally and I go UP THE WALL. I also get ratty around A LOT of his female friends (though to be fair most of them have slept with him or at least tried to at some point).

Thing is he's incredibly loyal, so I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but I still get territorial and *****y. We've learnt to accept it, it annoys him sometimes, but we talk through it and just accept im a jealous person in terms of our relationship, and its mainly to do with my insecurities as opposed to our relationship.

I would suggest talking fully and frankly with him and getting him to see that yeh you may get jealous but its not his fault, its yours. As soon as you accept and acknowledge it, it becomes much less of a problem.

So you do nothing to try and control your jealousy? You just blame your insecurities and do nothing about it? Everyone has insecurities but that's no excuse for giving your boyfriend / girlfriend hell. I understand why you'd be annoyed about him spending time with his ex, but like you said - he's loyal, and if all of the ex stuff / sleeping with his friends happened before you got together with him, why should you be worried?

Honestly, if I spent all my time worrying about my girlfriend's past and all the guys that hit on her each night when she's at work, I would be positively suicidal. But what's the point? She has chosen me, I trust her and we have a really great relationship because of it. You'll only get away with being jealous for so long before something will snap.
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Valkyrja
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#8
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(Original post by half face)
So you do nothing to try and control your jealousy? You just blame your insecurities and do nothing about it? Everyone has insecurities but that's no excuse for giving your boyfriend / girlfriend hell. I understand why you'd be annoyed about him spending time with his ex, but like you said - he's loyal, and if all of the ex stuff / sleeping with his friends happened before you got together with him, why should you be worried?

Honestly, if I spent all my time worrying about my girlfriend's past and all the guys that hit on her each night when she's at work, I would be positively suicidal. But what's the point? She has chosen me, I trust her and we have a really great relationship because of it. You'll only get away with being jealous for so long before something will snap.

I don't know. I have an appointment with a shrink in September...i think its just transcendence issues from my parents divorce. I do do things to try and reign it in, I let her come over our home, I've tried to get to know her..it's just hard when I think of how she treated him. I try to calm down. I'm ok as long as I can be assured that the girls doesn't still have feelings for him...his ex is different because she does but he really doesn't find her attractive anymore.

I think I just feel a bit wounded because at the start of our relationship I went to Maine in the US for a little while, and she came over to his and they had pizza and hung out, at the time he lived in a studio flat, with the bed in the same room and the thought made me uncomfortable....especially at the start when I didn't really truly know him or her.

But you can't combat jealousy alone, like I talk to him about it, and he tells me straight when I'm just being stupid, we argue and discuss and it allows me to see I'm possibly over-reacting or on the odd occasion allows him to see why I am rightly jealous.

Everyone gets jealous, but I don't believe anyone has the right to control another persons life though. So as long as I get to talk about it to him and why I feel insecure and scared, its ok.

And also a lot of girls at any one time fancy the pants off him, its not so bad now because he's changed the way he looks so he's not a "hot goth" anymore which attracted loads of annoying girls, but he does have a lot of admirers, a lot of his ex's are friends and they all seem to gang up on his current girlfriends, luckily he's protective of me, but theres definitely a few girls who still annoy me, like this one girl who told him that it was inevitable we'd break up and I'd break his heart.....(she's slept with him and tries it on constantly) about two months in.

Although saying that I'm getting better cause I've been with him a while now.

meh.

I try, I apologise, I realise I'm wrong, I try to control it and I don't blame him.

Sorry for thread hogging OP just wanted to explain myself..
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mushoo
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#9
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i think that you probably think about his past because your scared you dont match up to them. your scared that your not the best. realise that hes with you now, and has been for some time, you must be doing something right for him to love you so much, if you werent doing anything right you would be another one of his past relationships. so cheer up, your with somebody who finds you equally as amazing as you find him and your still together. believe in yourself and think your doing something right, it'll really help!
i did exactly the same, i always thought about my girls past, and i always found myself gettin so jealous cuz i thought i was inferior to them, but shes stil with me, and she loves me to bits, and knowing this just makes me that much more happy!
=)
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jodie_lee
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#10
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(Original post by mushoo)
i think that you probably think about his past because your scared you dont match up to them. your scared that your not the best.
Yess that is so how I feel. I kind of feel that he enjoyed holidays/night in/sex with his ex's and I worry about that. Although we are so compatible, and from what he and his friends/family who are not aware of my jealously at all and so would be honest, we get on much better than he did with his past girlfriends.

I have also had 2 'serious' past relationships, both of one year, and this was only in the past 3 years or so, whereas his ended over 5 years ago....I don't think about mine and they were so close, so why he would think/compare me to them I don't know.

Arrgh...I am stupid I know, we did discuss it in quite a bit of depth when we were on holiday, and things have been better since. I have been resisting urges to ask questions, and if I think about it, I tell myself I am being silly, because I know I am.

I think I kinda just needed to rant to you lot, and I don't have to be embarrassed about it on here I know, so I won't anon.

Thank you

BTW, the age gap is 20 years...to whoever asked.
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