English Help - Just general english skills, help please. Watch

Robby_J
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Although this isn't strictly English related, in terms of the subject, I'm in need of help with a History essay introduction in which my english was described as 'poor,' haha.

Here's the essay, any help with my english or any tips you can offer is greatly appreciated. Thanks alot

"To what extent is the Bolshevik victory in the Civil war attributed to the weakness of the opposition?

The Civil War inside Russia proved a vital turning point in history, with the establishment of the first communist state. Soviet dogma heavily infers the victory of the Civil War is solely attributed to the strength of the Bolshevik Party. These strengths often refer to the leaders of the party, more often than not Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky as well as their loyal Red Army, who were the dominant communist fighting force involved in the Civil War. Upon this, the counter-revolutionary unit known as the Cheka must be investigated, as their use of terror tactics may have proved vital in the struggle to convert opponents and the high percentage passive population into supporting Bolshevism.

Alternate to this belief is a more rational view that the Bolshevik’s success relied on numerous contributory factors, however, some modern historians still do advocate the Bolshevik’s own strength was a large driving factor in their success, but still consider the vastly influential a-Bolshevik interferences. As a main focus of this essay will aim to question the weaknesses of the Bolshevik’s opposition, I must first ask why their war effort ended in an overall failure. The most commonly attributed factor to the weakness of the opposition forces is their lack of cohesion. However I must also assess the contribution made by the peasantry inside Russia, often called the ‘Greens’ and notably this is who the Whites failed, more often than the Reds, to appeal to. Historians often dispute the importance of the Greens, and their role in Red victory.

The Russian Civil War conflict was born from the overwhelming power accumulated by the Bolsheviks and their push for totalitarian control, through the outlaw of opposition parties. This acquisition of power was built on their successes in the October 1917 revolution, seeing the replacement of a recently appointed Provisional Government. This Bolshevik revolution, or sometimes referred to as a Coup D’état, led to rift in ideologies and evidently the further polarisation of the Civil War belligerents. The Soviet opposition became known as the ‘Whites,’ contrasting to the adapted name given to the Soviets themselves, the ‘Reds.’"
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shootbangfire
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"solely attributed to" isn't quite right, probably better to put "solely due to". "more often than not" isn't strictly necessary, there should be a comma after trotsky.

I don't understand this:
"Upon this, the counter-revolutionary unit known as the Cheka must be investigated,"
No need to state what you must do, just do it. Also upon this is redundant. Perhaps just say The Cheka's use of terror tactics are likely to have proved vital...

High percentage passive population -> just 'population', or mostly passive population...

It's a bit weak to say "a more rational view". You have to prove why something is rational, not just state that it is, and saying it is more rational alone weakens the strength of your argument. 'Alternate to this view' is also mildly weak, perhaps put 'It could be said that...'

It's redundant to say "as a main focus of this essay will aim to question..." 'It is necessary to question the weakness of the Bolshevik's opposition' could sound stronger. Also the sentence isn't quite correct.

I'd start the essay by summing up the areas to consider. Avoid using 'I'. Use something like 'the main causes of... are...' If you say something which you state you disagree with, you must argue against it, otherwise it seriously weakens your argument. I can't really make out your argument. The first and third paragraphs sound like a narrative rather than an argument.

Also 'notably this is who the whites failed' is incorrect. you may do better not to add in 'more often than the reds'. acquisition of power was not build on anything, it was a result of something. 'or sometimes referred to' is not necessary. 'and evidently' should just be 'and'. The third paragraph really sounds like narrative, which is something markers and examiners hate.
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Robby_J
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Thank you loads , Shootbangfire

Here's an updated version, opinions are still welcome. I've done some tampering with the order, and hopefully made it a clearer introduction, whilst adopting your advice.

Remember this is an intro, and each point will be elaborated upon in detail and further arguements will be applied.

To what extent is the Bolshevik victory in the Civil war attributed to the weakness of the opposition?

The Civil War inside Russia proved a vital turning point in history, with the establishment of the first communist state. Soviet dogma heavily infers the victory of the Civil War is solely due to the strength of the Bolshevik Party. However, some modern historians still do advocate the Bolshevik’s own strength was a large driving factor in their success, but heavily consider the influential a-Bolshevik interferences. It is necessary to question the weakness of the Bolshevik’s opponents and why their war effort ended in an overall failure. The most commonly attributed factors to the weakness of the opposition forces include their lack of cohesion, personal rivalries and failure to support a collective goal. However the significance of the contribution made by the peasantry inside Russia can also be subject to debate. Peasant Armies, often referred to as the ‘Greens,’ formed several fighting forces which supported their own interests and often engaged in conflict with both belligerents. Historians often dispute the importance of the Greens, and their role in Red victory.

The Soviet strengths often refer to the leaders of the party, more often than not Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky, as well as their loyal Red Army, who were the dominant communist fighting force involved in the Civil War. In addition to this the counter-revolutionary unit, ‘The Cheka,’ and their use of terror tactics may have proved vital in the struggle to convert opponents and Russian population into supporting Bolshevism.
Thanks again .
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shootbangfire
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No problem. This is more of an essay-writing point than an English point, but you get much better marks for starting straight from the off by answering the question. The way to do an essay is to answer it in the first sentence. Outline the areas significant in the opening paragraph.

Have a topic sentence summing up each paragraph's contents at the start of each paragraph. Elaborate, using relevant quotes. Conclusion should repeat your answer and perhaps develop it further.
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shootbangfire
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But overall, much better.
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