Why am I so jealous of my boyfriend's past? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
I've been with my boyfriend (29) for over a year now... before we went on our first date, I did a bit of searching and a few photos of him and his ex popped up - these aren't pictures he uploaded but ones he's tagged in. At that time, I didn't see her as a threat all as she is quite plain looking and, if anything, I saw it as a good thing he has some experience and he was now free to date me as I've always thought he's a catch. I actually felt grateful that she'd let him go. This gratitude continued over the next months as we became a couple - I would wake up every single day feeling grateful to have such an amazing man as my boyfriend. He really is amazing.

Then one day I was bored and started looking up random people on instagram, then his ex came along. I looked through her profile and at first thought... wow, amazing figure, so many friends. I struggled to see why my boyfriend had let her go. But now I feel like I've analysed her profile so much that I can see why, and me and her seem like opposites. Even to look at, she is unremarkable and her figure is skinny, straight up and down. I don't mean to sound horrible but I'm saying this because my jealousy isn't really justified... if she was drop dead gorgeous, then I should feel threatened. My boyfriend often tells me he can't believe how nice and pretty I am, and his friends also tell him too. So he is super grateful to have me.

Initially, when I saw their pictures in the early days, I thought they had been together for 4-5 years. I wasn't really bothered back then though, probably because I wasn't so attached to my boyfriend and I was secure in myself. Now I've realised they were actually together for 2-3 years. This should really make me feel a bit better, but I obsess over the things they did together in that time. They must've spent the majority of their time together at university... they had the same friendship group, same everything.

They often went clubbing together in a group, must've shared the same bed most nights, and just had a lot of time together to chill and talk. Whereas me and my boyfriend only get to meet up once a week (due to distance) and have only shared a bed 3 times so far.
His parents didn't even know about his previous relationship... he was secretive back then as his mum doesn't really believe in relationships and probably didn't allow him to. So he hid his relationship from his parents. With me, he told his parents about me straight away. It's like he's always been so sure of me, and he always tells me I'm the one, that I'm 'it'... but I still can't get over this past relationship of his.

I know my boyfriend as he is now. But he's told me that back then he was very immature. Also, from pictures, I can see he looked quite different... a lot more youthful and a bit chubbier. Whereas now he exercises regularly and he looks like a man. I know how amazing my boyfriend is now and, for some reason, I imagine he's always been that way. So I think he must've acted with her the way he acts with me. But then I know that's wrong... he was enjoying the university lifestyle, probably not thinking about the future so much, and just living in the moment. He wasn't even my type back then, so it's not like I would've gone for him if we'd crossed paths at that point.

As far as I'm aware, they broke up after graduating and remained friends after they broke up and would meet up sometimes in their uni friendship group. They don't follow each other on instagram anymore, but I've noticed that my boyfriend had previously liked pictures of his ex with her new boyfriend, suggesting that he is way over her.
I think seeing pictures of them on facebook all happy, and comments he's made about her is what gets to me most. But I don't know the true reality of their relationship. In fact we've never really discussed our pasts. He's always told me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, that I'm so lovely, that he wishes we'd met sooner. So this past relationship can't have been so brilliant after all. We're planning our marriage, how many kids we're going to have... his family see me as their own... why can I not let this go when we have so much good going for us?!

I have booked for therapy so hopefully that helps.
Thank you.
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Retired_Messiah
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#2
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You've done a social media deep dive, and people only ever post snapshots of the good times on them. Assuming you broke up with him and another girl came along, she'd see the same kind of thing were she to look through your profile. You're driving yourself up the wall over an unreality.
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oreoislife
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Sounds like he cherishes you and probably does more for you than he ever did for her. Try think about the positives! Look to your future.
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jedygety
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#4
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I went through this obsession with my ex. I was so so obsessive and insecure about his ex gf who was also unremarkable. it basically ruined the relationship for me and caused us a lot of issues
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by jedygety)
I went through this obsession with my ex. I was so so obsessive and insecure about his ex gf who was also unremarkable. it basically ruined the relationship for me and caused us a lot of issues
Sorry to hear. Is this the main reason you broke up?
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jedygety
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry to hear. Is this the main reason you broke up?
I think it made me associate a lot of bad feelings with the relationship which then just caused me to be unhappy generally.no matter what he said he couldn't change how I felt about his ex. eventually he got fed up with trying to convince me and I got fed up with having to need reassuring
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Anonymous #2
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I think the reason is because you know that love is more than skin deep, unremarkable women can be remarkable to a man and the fact that she is so inferior and unremarkable in your eyes let’s you know that she must have other qualities that had him hooked and made him love her deeply. So you question it and tell yourself she’s unremarkable and point out her flaws to make you feel better.

He loved her now he loves you. She is in the past.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by jedygety)
I think it made me associate a lot of bad feelings with the relationship which then just caused me to be unhappy generally.no matter what he said he couldn't change how I felt about his ex. eventually he got fed up with trying to convince me and I got fed up with having to need reassuring
I see. I think that's the same as how I feel... it's turned the relationship sour for me, but I don't want to bring it up with him because I don't want to ruin it completely and I know he's the one
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think the reason is because you know that love is more than skin deep, unremarkable women can be remarkable to a man and the fact that she is so inferior and unremarkable in your eyes let’s you know that she must have other qualities that had him hooked and made him love her deeply. So you question it and tell yourself she’s unremarkable and point out her flaws to make you feel better.

He loved her now he loves you. She is in the past.
It could be. I think I also lose sight of the fact that was his first relationship, which started nine years ago. He probably didn't know exactly what he wanted back then, found a girl he liked and had things in common with at university and went for it. I also imagine he's developed a hell of a lot since then
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Anonymous #1
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bump
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It could be. I think I also lose sight of the fact that was his first relationship, which started nine years ago. He probably didn't know exactly what he wanted back then, found a girl he liked and had things in common with at university and went for it. I also imagine he's developed a hell of a lot since then
Why does it bother u so much then literally u have answered ur own question. That was a very long time ago
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londonmyst
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#12
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You are making yourself insecure by obsessing over the past, an old relationship that failed and an ex that your bf no longer has much contact with.
Nobody can change the past, only learn from it.
It is your future and your relationship that matters now.
Leave the past where it belongs.
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Anonymous #2
#13
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been with my boyfriend (29) for over a year now... before we went on our first date, I did a bit of searching and a few photos of him and his ex popped up - these aren't pictures he uploaded but ones he's tagged in. At that time, I didn't see her as a threat all as she is quite plain looking and, if anything, I saw it as a good thing he has some experience and he was now free to date me as I've always thought he's a catch. I actually felt grateful that she'd let him go. This gratitude continued over the next months as we became a couple - I would wake up every single day feeling grateful to have such an amazing man as my boyfriend. He really is amazing.

Then one day I was bored and started looking up random people on instagram, then his ex came along. I looked through her profile and at first thought... wow, amazing figure, so many friends. I struggled to see why my boyfriend had let her go. But now I feel like I've analysed her profile so much that I can see why, and me and her seem like opposites. Even to look at, she is unremarkable and her figure is skinny, straight up and down. I don't mean to sound horrible but I'm saying this because my jealousy isn't really justified... if she was drop dead gorgeous, then I should feel threatened. My boyfriend often tells me he can't believe how nice and pretty I am, and his friends also tell him too. So he is super grateful to have me.

Initially, when I saw their pictures in the early days, I thought they had been together for 4-5 years. I wasn't really bothered back then though, probably because I wasn't so attached to my boyfriend and I was secure in myself. Now I've realised they were actually together for 2-3 years. This should really make me feel a bit better, but I obsess over the things they did together in that time. They must've spent the majority of their time together at university... they had the same friendship group, same everything.

They often went clubbing together in a group, must've shared the same bed most nights, and just had a lot of time together to chill and talk. Whereas me and my boyfriend only get to meet up once a week (due to distance) and have only shared a bed 3 times so far.
His parents didn't even know about his previous relationship... he was secretive back then as his mum doesn't really believe in relationships and probably didn't allow him to. So he hid his relationship from his parents. With me, he told his parents about me straight away. It's like he's always been so sure of me, and he always tells me I'm the one, that I'm 'it'... but I still can't get over this past relationship of his.

I know my boyfriend as he is now. But he's told me that back then he was very immature. Also, from pictures, I can see he looked quite different... a lot more youthful and a bit chubbier. Whereas now he exercises regularly and he looks like a man. I know how amazing my boyfriend is now and, for some reason, I imagine he's always been that way. So I think he must've acted with her the way he acts with me. But then I know that's wrong... he was enjoying the university lifestyle, probably not thinking about the future so much, and just living in the moment. He wasn't even my type back then, so it's not like I would've gone for him if we'd crossed paths at that point.

As far as I'm aware, they broke up after graduating and remained friends after they broke up and would meet up sometimes in their uni friendship group. They don't follow each other on instagram anymore, but I've noticed that my boyfriend had previously liked pictures of his ex with her new boyfriend, suggesting that he is way over her.
I think seeing pictures of them on facebook all happy, and comments he's made about her is what gets to me most. But I don't know the true reality of their relationship. In fact we've never really discussed our pasts. He's always told me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, that I'm so lovely, that he wishes we'd met sooner. So this past relationship can't have been so brilliant after all. We're planning our marriage, how many kids we're going to have... his family see me as their own... why can I not let this go when we have so much good going for us?!

I have booked for therapy so hopefully that helps.
Thank you.
Youve done a **** load of posts about this and booked therapy over it so maybe it’d be unfair to him to not let him know how much it’s affected you especially if he’s going to marry you he really should know this first.
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YaliaV
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#14
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The way you describe her isn’t very nice at all to be honest. You feel jealous because your self-esteem isn’t high enough and you’re insecure. It really has nothing to do with your boyfriend or his ex.
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Anonymous #1
#15
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Youve done a **** load of posts about this and booked therapy over it so maybe it’d be unfair to him to not let him know how much it’s affected you especially if he’s going to marry you he really should know this first.
Yes I've wanted to bring it up before but haven't found the courage. Not even sure how to word it as I know how absurd it sounds, and I don't want it to damage the relationship. I wanted to get help for it on my own first so that it doesn't completely affect our relationship
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes I've wanted to bring it up before but haven't found the courage. Not even sure how to word it as I know how absurd it sounds, and I don't want it to damage the relationship. I wanted to get help for it on my own first so that it doesn't completely affect our relationship
Sounds a bit unfair on him tbh because psychologically for you this goes a lot deeper than simply feeling a bit insecure, it is a red flag to deeper issues you may have. but hopefully the therapy will help.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sounds a bit unfair on him tbh because psychologically for you this goes a lot deeper than simply feeling a bit insecure, it is a red flag to deeper issues you may have. but hopefully the therapy will help.
You're right. I'm just not sure how to bring it up without scaring him. As we haven't even mentioned our pasts to each other, I'm not sure if I should just ask 'so tell me a bit about your past' to open up the conversation, or whether I should tell him I've seen photos that upset me
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
You're right. I'm just not sure how to bring it up without scaring him. As we haven't even mentioned our pasts to each other, I'm not sure if I should just ask 'so tell me a bit about your past' to open up the conversation, or whether I should tell him I've seen photos that upset me
I would go with the photo one, he’ll just reassure you a lot. Be honest that it made u sad and wonder about his past. You’re probably going to feel very relieved if u tell him because he has no idea what u have been dealing with and he’ll tell u himself u have nothing to worry about, which u don’t. Good luck
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