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Snooping: found my boyfriend meeting with his ex

My boyfriend of nearly 2 years is close pals with his ex (Emma) and they hang out sometimes as they have the same friendship group. The chick hates me as she still has feelings for him. I've said to my boyfriend that it bothers me when they hang out, but I've said I dont wanna be the reason they stop being friends. They recently hung out 1 on 1 until late at night and we had a chat about it and I told him that that was not ok and he said he wouldn't do that in the future and that he wants me to feel secure.

Cut to the problem at hand now: my boyfriend has just told me that he's going to hang out with his mate Ry. He left and I logged onto his computer and opened Facebook, but his account was still logged in, and the message at the bottom was showing that he has just messaged Emma saying "on my way". So then I snooped, and saw that they're gonna be hanging out at her place.

I didn't mean to snoop, I was honestly just trying to log onto my own Facebook but I saw the message and couldn't stop myself.

What do I say to my boyfriend? We are in a rocky patch anyway so I don't want to tip this over the edge. And I know he will be pissed if he thinks I was snooping on him. He probably won't believe it was an accident.

I do trust him - I know they will just be innocently hanging out. But he knows it bothers me. And he lied to me.

What do I say? How do I approach this without damaging our relationship? What would you do?

Honestly ANY advice would be great

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I’m not sure I believe that you didn’t mean to snoop, but anyway. I think you should break up because it’s not worth the hassle. He has probably cheated and he’s definitely a liar in any case.
Original post by YaliaV
I’m not sure I believe that you didn’t mean to snoop, but anyway. I think you should break up because it’s not worth the hassle. He has probably cheated and he’s definitely a liar in any case.

No, he's not probably cheated. Meeting an ex does not mean you cheated. Also, yes he was wrong to have lied but if the OP didn't you overreact I'm sure he wouldn't have.
I'm sorry but what makes you believe they were innocently hanging out if he is being so secretive about it? I'm really sorry because this is a hard situation that you're in, but I would really strongly advise you to cut ties. Sounds like a relationship built on lies rather than trust :/
Original post by MrMusician95
No, he's not probably cheated. Meeting an ex does not mean you cheated. Also, yes he was wrong to have lied but if the OP didn't you overreact I'm sure he wouldn't have.

I'm sorry, what do you mean? Do you mean I have overreacted?
Original post by arayadurham
I'm sorry, what do you mean? Do you mean I have overreacted?

If he wants to cheat he will, regardless of how you react. You said you trust him but if you fully trusted him him hanging out with an ex he's friends with wouldn't be so much of an issue. I understand why it bugs you. Question, how do you know she still has feelings for.him?
Original post by MrMusician95
No, he's not probably cheated. Meeting an ex does not mean you cheated. Also, yes he was wrong to have lied but if the OP didn't you overreact I'm sure he wouldn't have.


I think the whole relationship with his ex is very inappropriate and disrespectful.
Reply 7
I swear everyone knows a ***** called Emma :laugh:
Original post by YaliaV
I think the whole relationship with his ex is very inappropriate and disrespectful.

I completely disagree. Many people stay friends after a breakup, not being able to make a romantic relationship work doesn't mean you can't be platonic friends. When my girlfriend and l were going through a tough time we literally said if we breakup we need to make an effort to remain good friends. She's my best friend and a breakup will not change that.
You didn't mean to snoop? That's rubbish. You see the message, and what you should do is log out and log into your own one and think nothing more of it. If you're in a relationship with him that means you need to trust him enough to have friends without having sex with them. If you don't trust him then you should break up with him for his sake. If you do trust him... what's the problem?
Original post by MrMusician95
If he wants to cheat he will, regardless of how you react. You said you trust him but if you fully trusted him him hanging out with an ex he's friends with wouldn't be so much of an issue. I understand why it bugs you. Question, how do you know she still has feelings for.him?


I know that he's gone over there innocently, because I trust him. It bugs me as it's disrespectful - as YaliaV said. In all honesty, if she had been nice to me and friendly from the start I don't think I would care. But she dislikes me and still has feelings for me - that is the problem. I know she has feelings as he broke up with her and she did not take it well, my boyfriend told me about it all at the start of out relationship.
Original post by arayadurham
I know that he's gone over there innocently, because I trust him. It bugs me as it's disrespectful - as YaliaV said. In all honesty, if she had been nice to me and friendly from the start I don't think I would care. But she dislikes me and still has feelings for me - that is the problem. I know she has feelings as he broke up with her and she did not take it well, my boyfriend told me about it all at the start of out relationship.

So you said she still had feelings for him when you and him started dating? That's two years ago...there's a big chance she's over him by now.
(edited 4 years ago)
Original post by MrMusician95
So you said she still had feelings for him when you and him started dating? That's two years ago...there's a big change she's over him by now.

It's complicated but she definitely is not over him. I moved in with my boyfriend recently and she told him that if I get more involved in his life then she can't stay around to see it as it hurts her too much. But obviously she has stayed around.

The whole point of this was me asking how to approach the situation anyway. Or if it's even worth approaching. It's the fact he lied, and when only about 2 weeks ago I told him explicitely that it bothered me when they hang out 1 on 1.
Original post by arayadurham
It's complicated but she definitely is not over him. I moved in with my boyfriend recently and she told him that if I get more involved in his life then she can't stay around to see it as it hurts her too much. But obviously she has stayed around.

The whole point of this was me asking how to approach the situation anyway. Or if it's even worth approaching. It's the fact he lied, and when only about 2 weeks ago I told him explicitely that it bothered me when they hang out 1 on 1.

If you can't trust him to meet his friend without having sex with her, regardless of their past, then you need to end it. I get it bothers you but they're friends. As I said somewhere else in this thread, when my girlfriend and I were going through a tough patch we said if we break up we are staying good friends. She's my best friend. He probably feels the same. He wants his friend in his life. I'm sure he lied because of how you reacted.
Original post by Glaz
You didn't mean to snoop? That's rubbish. You see the message, and what you should do is log out and log into your own one and think nothing more of it. If you're in a relationship with him that means you need to trust him enough to have friends without having sex with them. If you don't trust him then you should break up with him for his sake. If you do trust him... what's the problem?

The problem is the disrespect and the fact he lied. The fact that he's hanging out with her isn't the big issue - if he had told me it would be different. It was an elaborate lie too about a friends car breaking down etc.
Reply 15
Original post by arayadurham
My boyfriend of nearly 2 years is close pals with his ex (Emma) and they hang out sometimes as they have the same friendship group. The chick hates me as she still has feelings for him. I've said to my boyfriend that it bothers me when they hang out, but I've said I dont wanna be the reason they stop being friends. They recently hung out 1 on 1 until late at night and we had a chat about it and I told him that that was not ok and he said he wouldn't do that in the future and that he wants me to feel secure.

Cut to the problem at hand now: my boyfriend has just told me that he's going to hang out with his mate Ry. He left and I logged onto his computer and opened Facebook, but his account was still logged in, and the message at the bottom was showing that he has just messaged Emma saying "on my way". So then I snooped, and saw that they're gonna be hanging out at her place.

I didn't mean to snoop, I was honestly just trying to log onto my own Facebook but I saw the message and couldn't stop myself.

What do I say to my boyfriend? We are in a rocky patch anyway so I don't want to tip this over the edge. And I know he will be pissed if he thinks I was snooping on him. He probably won't believe it was an accident.

I do trust him - I know they will just be innocently hanging out. But he knows it bothers me. And he lied to me.

What do I say? How do I approach this without damaging our relationship? What would you do?

Honestly ANY advice would be great


Why are you trusting him? Your relationship is not working and he is still dating his ex. He lies. Why don't you dump him?
Original post by IWMTom
I swear everyone knows a ***** called Emma :laugh:


They Do?

well, I’ve been speaking to the wrong gals.
Original post by MrMusician95
If you can't trust him to meet his friend without having sex with her, regardless of their past, then you need to end it. I get it bothers you but they're friends. As I said somewhere else in this thread, when my girlfriend and I were going through a tough patch we said if we break up we are staying good friends. She's my best friend. He probably feels the same. He wants his friend in his life. I'm sure he lied because of how you reacted.

Does that make the lying okay though? And I honestly didn't react badly, they see eachother a lot and I really do try and be cool about it because I get it's a tough situation. But I told him it makes me uncomfortable when they hang out late at night 1 on 1 with eachother. And that's exactly what they're doing now. The fact he would do something he knows makes me uncomfortable and lie to my face about it suggests he puts her before me and I don't know if I'm okay with that.

I appreciate your help though, you being a guy in a similar situation is helpful
Of course he lied, he wants to see his friend but you don’t like it so he didn’t want to upset you so he lied, I think I would do the same.
You can’t stop him for seeing his friend and I don’t see a reason to it if you trust him. But it is still the wrong thing to do, you shouldn’t lie in a relationship but you shouldn’t try to control who he hangs with.
But the way to deal with is you can try to catch him in it, ask question to what they did and how it was etc. at one point he will probably start stumbling over it, and then
just tell him the truth🤷*♀️
(edited 4 years ago)
Reply 19
You said his ex still has feelings for him. He must know that. Him spending time with her knowing that she still likes him is not an innocent mistake...

He lied to you and if he lies about this, what else can he lie about?

I would confront him. There is nothing wrong in using your partner's phone. I do it all the time. His phone is like my phone and vice versa. While others might disagree that's my opinion.

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