Every weekend is the same

I'm 18 and a guy. Basically I haven't been out on a friday or saturday in about 3-4 years. Obviously I have been out at some point in those times but that would be simple and worthless things like going to the shop or having to pick up something or having to drop someone off, rubbish things like that. I've always been a mummy's boy, my mum has high standards of me, she doesn't want me meeting girls or drinking, anytime I do go out she must always kno wwhere I went or else she starts to panic ... she's not mad, she doesn't tell me nay of this but i can tell after living with her for so long. She wants me to live a life according to her happinness in a way.

I know you may think that this is not a serious problem but when you've been programmed to live like this for this long then it is a problem. I'm 18 and I'm not a socil recluse, I'm not ugly, I'm not obese, I'm a normal guy inside.

I had problems at school including being quite ill, it stopped me from functioning alltogether. Had I been totally fine and settled in one school for a perod of time and being healthy then I know I would have made a number of friends and would have an active social life. I have been slowly rebuilding my life in the last year.

A number of years back I used to do things like sleepovers, maybe go into the town to play snooker etc but even when I was happy with my social life I had about 10 mates, went out regularly with about 5. I met people, I didn't hide but it just didn't happen with other people. They were just people I knew, simple as that.

Nowadays I've turned into a young adult, things are different. Nowadays when people go out they always seem to go out in groups of lik 10 and get a real buzz going. I'm not used to doing things like this! I normally would just got to a friends house to piss about at his house etc .. and now I think about it it just makes me feel silly.

I have almost a mental barrier with the weekend I have problems asking people to go out at the weekends, and I don't like talking about the weekends, especially when they say what did you get upto at the weekend? When I think about asking someone to go out somewhere, I don't know where I want them to come out to because I don't go out! The last time I went to a cinema was like 1 year ago. and secondly I always think they'll look at me and think ' you're a loner, don't you have any of your own friends to be going out with ' I just don't feel worthy of asking people to come out at weekends (not that I have many people to ask) and also I have friends from the past but it makes me feel very sad to ask them 2 years after last seeing them to come out ... that signals desperation.

Also it seems like EVERYONE goes out and gets bladdered and they all go in their packs of 10-20 friends and have a great night and it's like I feel stupid when people ask what did you get upto and I say something like 'I went to play golf and went to the cinema' (not that I do) I now feel this is the type of stuff 13 year olds do with their 13 year old mates. I feel people judge me if I don't go out getting drunk, I don't know why it just feels that way.

Even when at home i don't take care of myself, i leave things lying all over the place, I'm currently eating dinner in my boxers (sorry for detail lol) because I can't be asked to change .... i don't even watch tv anymore or programmes i used to although my TV is on. I used to take an interest in different shows, now I don't bother My mum complains i never come downstairs and am in my room ALL the time.

Literally all I do on these evenings is go on computer, watch TV, that is it! My brother has some sever problems so he stays in his room, and my mum just does odd jobs downstairs in the front room. My dad doesn't live with me. This is what happens every single Friday/Saturday/Sunday night .... well every night of the week really.

I struggle socially but not that badly! If you saw me chatting to someone you would think I had no problems socially. I just feel like I'm living the life of a 65 year old. What's also annoying is when you speak to people and they're telling you how great their weekend was and how many girls' numbers they got.

That just makes me realise what a boring life I have. Everyone is going on holidays now and everything. I know you might say Uni can change all of that and I hope it will ... but at the end of the day I'll be an adult then having to look after myself and having to worry about finances and having to pay for myself. I believe the best years of your life should be around 16/17/18/19 when you still have the freedom to enjoy yourself without any huge pressure on your shoulders. Unfortunately this is not the case for me.

I always get reminders of my crappy life .... there's this guy in college who repeatedly says 'i have no life ' and my friend the other day asked what i was going to do on the weekend and I said I'm going football and he was kind of expecting me to say something else as if it wasn't enough.

Let me just make it clear I don't know anyone that I see regularly eg college that goes parties or whatever with other college mates. it's like they all lead separate lives and only 2 people in my class goes to alcoholic parties and that's with their old school mates who still see each other regularly. I really really don't know what the rest get upto in their social time.

I go to the gym at the weekend and go football, that's it though. I do nothing else. And the thing is that means I have to go home, and I have NOTHING to do at home other than waste my life on my PC.

Much to my surprise I was invited to a dinner party and I will be going. Only thing is I haven't been out to a social event in so long I forgotten what it is like to meet people at a restuarant and sit opposite each other and talk. Also who pays, it's this guys birthday, do I pay or does he? I should know these things really! I'm not comfortable going but will, socially not used to scenes like that.

Let me add I am not depressed encase anyone thinks so ... I'm just lacking anything to make me feel genuinely happy. It just feels like everything that could have possibly gone wrong on the social side of my life, has.

What should I do?

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Reply 1

Constante

I can't comment much on advice, but if at a sixth form college, I can assure you there really is barely any parties.

Reply 2

Captain Biggles

It's like learning to ride a bike; we all forget at some point in our lives, but within five or ten minutes of arriving you'll be conversing with them as if you've been going out for years. Perhaps turning over a new leaf and putting yourself out there to be noticed (for positive things) could help people to pay attention to you and get to know you. It does sound a bit as if you're invisible to others in your college.

Walk around with a bit of confidence and you'll start to get results.

Reply 3

Meeee :)

No one can make it change but you really. If your mum doesn't want you to go out etc then explain to her that you are an adult now and that you need to have your own life, but that doesn't mean that you're going to abandon her or anything.
Just get chatting to people, ask what they do at the weekends and then casually say something like "We should meet up for a night out sometime." or something along those lines. If somebody said that to me then i wouldn't think they were wierd or anything so don't worry about it :smile:

Anonymous

Much to my surprise I was invited to a dinner party and I will be going. Only thing is I haven't been out to a social event in so long I forgotten what it is like to meet people at a restuarant and sit opposite each other and talk. Also who pays, it's this guys birthday, do I pay or does he? I should know these things really! I'm not comfortable going but will, socially not used to scenes like that.

Thats a start. Who knows what might happen at the dinner party! You may make friends with new people and arrange a night out or something. About the money - I'm guessing he probably won't pay for everyone, so i'd take money with you.

Reply 4

Suspect

When are you going to uni? If its in september then you only have a couple of months to worry about, then everyone will be looking for friends at the same time and you can jump right in there.
It seems like getting your own accommodation instead of just staying at home would be a good idea- anything to help your social life.

As for the dinner party thing (I assume its in a restaurant), usually you pay for yourself or split the bill equally between everyone.

Reply 5

Skibbz

TBH mate 70% of the time you aren't missing much and by the end of your night you will have saved yourself a good £30-50 by not going out on the town.
It's rare you get a night out that was "worth the money" and that can include partys.
Alot of the time you get people making it all up, if it sounds like an absolutely awesome night then 9/10 times it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Atleast you're still attending college and do have plans to move on to Uni, it could be alot worse in that respect.

Reply 6

Becky_90

I suppose all anyone can suggest is to try put yourself out there as much as you feel comfortable with.
Just get chatting to people, suggest you should go out sometime or catch up..personally i wouldnt find that wierd at all.
Its not like you have to go out drinking every weekend or anything, there are plenty of other things you could do with other people..maybe even try new things.

With your mum just explain that as much as you respect her and her view on things you're an adult, and its your life. You're going to uni so you'll be taking care of yourself sooner or later.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

i'll be going uni in 09 and yes living awa from my parents.

until then nothing is likely to change unfortunately. but i'll try my best and see what comes along.

Reply 8

NW8_SW1_EC3

College is **** for most people, trust me, when you start university your life will completely change. Those days of eating dinner in your boxers and jacking off 3 times in 20 minutes in front of you computer will come to an end.

Try make a good impress at the dinner party, I know you said it will feel new for you etc but I'm sure once your there you will settle in and become more sociable with those around you.

Do you play football for a team? If so, get involved with your football mates!

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

my football mates are all in their 20's and 30's but whenever socials come along i'll drag myself along.

and yes part of the reason why things aren't changing is because I despise everything about college. i'm introverted not extroverted ..... so at school when i had loads of classes I met loads of people ... everyone went to the field and played footie etc ... it was so so easy to gel in.

at college i have 1 class of people, noone does anything other than go to the canteen and talk! I get nervous when this happens because everyone is around sitting face to face just talking. i just don't like the social scene at college either, at school i met more level headed people whereas at college i'm meeting drug addicts, EMO's, chav's, people who nick stuff off back of lorry's just random bizarre people as well as people who got U's in their GCSE's ... these are not the sort of people I want to be mixing with so I stay with a few mates I get along well with!

Reply 10

Skibbz

Anonymous

i'll be going uni in 09 and yes living awa from my parents.

until then nothing is likely to change unfortunately. but i'll try my best and see what comes along.

First off you need to kill that attitude

Saying nothing will happen and walking around thinking nothing will happen then nothing will.
You need to walk around, head up high and walk confident. Make eye contact with passers by and smile! Greet people.

Get a job, if you feel like you're wasting time by sitting on your bum by your PC then atleast earn money with that time. This is also a great opportunity for you to meet new people.
The first few weeks of any job/college/university are pretty crucial in the means of joining a 'group', put yourself out there man!
No better time than the present.

Reply 11

Cupid Stunt

Yea man, you can meet loads of people at a job, if your not too worried about experience then choose the best job that lets you interact with people etc.

I'm pretty sure you'll reach a point where it's like a trigger then one thing will lead to another, soon you'll be looking back how amazing things have unfolded.

"Buy the ticket, take the ride"

Just jump at every opportunity for things to unfold for you, things can change very quickly!

Reply 12

xBillyBrownx

I don't see why you should be feeling so bad about things! You seem like a nice guy and you seem pretty normal as well.. The only problem is that you're not willing to approach people and you're not willing to try hard enough to change things.. You're probably not missing out on too much anyway but yes if you're capable of making conversation with people and such like why not just talk to people at your college? Ask them what they're doing at the weekend? Anyway I'm guessing that's done now so hopefully you'll get a chance to make friends at uni. It's okay if you don't have too much experience socially.. It shouldn't really matter as long as you're nice to people/fun to be aroun/interesting to talk to.. You have nothing to be ashamed of..
And surely you don't play football alone? Why not try planning something with some of your football friends? Also try meeting new people at the dinner you're going to. Just try your best to be yourself and be comfortable around others, then they'll be comfortable around you.

Basically just stop hiding from people and start making things happen for yourself. Meet people at the gym even. It's okay you still have a whole life ahead of you, you've not wasted much really.

And good luck at the party :redface:

. Should be fun!

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

i can never seem to get over how wasteful my life currently is though. since i was 16 i can honestly say i have done nothing worthwhile with my life. it makes me miserable when i think of the rubbish i've done in the last 2 years. obiously i would hold onto my past forever but it's stll a part of me.

i feel like one of these outsiders who nobody actually wants to go out with.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

i also had a traumatic 2 years with my family and i still find it difficult to recover. sometimes i wonder whether i'm damaged in some way and that it will never change. i feel different and not attached to society.

Reply 15

Rosaaa

Okay, let's think positively.
Look to the future!
Don't dwell on the past.

You need to mix and mingle with people your age.
Can you meet up with old school friends?
Have you got facebook? That's a good way to get in touch with old friends etc.

Definitely go to the dinner party.
You may be nervous about it as it's not what you normally do, but just try to relax and the more social events you go to, the less nervous you'll be.

I want to help you more/give you more advice but my brain is rather blank at the minute, sorry.

Reply 16

Skibbz

Anonymous

I don't know if it is within your budget but maybe a week on holiday by yourself could help. Think of it as the turning point of your life. Come back a changed person and full of confidence. It could quite well be what you need.

Reply 17

thyssen1207

Don't preoccupy yourself with the details of a typical social life i.e. the number of people that's ideal for going out, clubbing or pubbing on Fridays our Saturdays is a must. That will only make you feel depressed, insecure and less happy about yourself. There are no set rules for social life that one has to follow.

Also, try not to be dictated by what others think. If you enjoy golf and cinema then fair enough, I don't see any wrong with that.

Eventually, you'll find that this clubbing/night out malarky will sort of wane off. I've just finished my first year at university and I already find myself disinterested with going out. I used to live my social life to the fullest (religiously following the Freshers pack, going out 3-4x a week thereafter).

Based from what you have told us, you seem to be a very cool guy and I know more that are worse than you. Stop comparing yourself with others, stop getting dictated by what others think, be yourself and just try to make the most of your time.

Reply 18

roots

you need to start taking risks, saying yes and becoming confident or at least develop yourself, you need to bring some life to your house for your moms and brothers good as well as yours, you seem willing to make changes so go out and make it happen pal

Reply 19

mr-tom

Whatever you do DO NOT ever feel belittled by the social cling-ons and the idiots that never stop talking about booze. Whenever you feel that somebody is trying to mock you stop talking to them. Don't plead for their acceptance.
As long as you are comfortable with yourself, others will be.