Daddy issues ruined my relationship Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#1
My boyfriend dumped me on Friday. It was amicable, but we spoke on the phone today to clear some things up. I also asked him what the worst parts were about dating me, because I honestly wanted to know.

He said that I can be quite negative, and also obvious when I'm in a bad mood. Both are true, and I'm working on that, partly by seeking counselling.

But I feel terrible because he admitted that at times he felt like we had an almost parent-child dynamic. I've had a very bad relationship with my dad for a while, but it's hit me so hard to be told that my issues are hurting other parts of my life, i.e. my love life. Honestly reflecting, even before I met him, I've looked for validation from guys and accepted poor treatment.

I feel so guilty, I'm mortified and I desperately want to stop this toxic behaviour to be better.

What do I do?
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LenaBuk
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#2
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#2
Funny how he couldn't talk to you like a adult about your issues with your Father and how it's reflecting your temperament. Sounds like he's the loser, not you. Regardless some men are just like that they are not as quick to show love emotionally as much as women.
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mgi
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#3
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#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
My boyfriend dumped me on Friday. It was amicable, but we spoke on the phone today to clear some things up. I also asked him what the worst parts were about dating me, because I honestly wanted to know.

He said that I can be quite negative, and also obvious when I'm in a bad mood. Both are true, and I'm working on that, partly by seeking counselling.

But I feel terrible because he admitted that at times he felt like we had an almost parent-child dynamic. I've had a very bad relationship with my dad for a while, but it's hit me so hard to be told that my issues are hurting other parts of my life, i.e. my love life. Honestly reflecting, even before I met him, I've looked for validation from guys and accepted poor treatment.

I feel so guilty, I'm mortified and I desperately want to stop this toxic behaviour to be better.

What do I do?
Continue with the counselling you mentioned! At least you recognise and want to deal with problems. No need to beat yourself up though.
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mgi
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#4
(Original post by LenaBuk)
Funny how he couldn't talk to you like a adult about your issues with your Father and how it's reflecting your temperament. Sounds like he's the loser, not you. Regardless some men are just like that they are not as quick to show love emotionally as much as women.
This may be true but she needs to deal herself with things that she acknowledges are her problems. It is not someone else's responsibility.
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YaliaV
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#5
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There’s no need to feel guilty. I think you’re being very mature about everything and everyone has issues they need to deal with. Just relax and begin to enjoy your own company. Validate yourself.
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StriderHort
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#6
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#6
(Original post by LenaBuk)
Funny how he couldn't talk to you like a adult about your issues with your Father and how it's reflecting your temperament. Sounds like he's the loser, not you. Regardless some men are just like that they are not as quick to show love emotionally as much as women.
lol, yeah, totes the guys fault
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StriderHort
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#7
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#7
(Original post by mgi)
This may be true but she needs to deal herself with things that she acknowledges are her problems. It is not someone else's responsibility.
That's not how we do things in 2019, the loser man should have automatically and maturely solved all problems, esp the ones he wasn't told about. The OP has no responsibilities towards meeting their own needs. It's an absurd suggestion.
Last edited by StriderHort; 1 week ago
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YaliaV
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#8
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(Original post by StriderHort)
lol, yeah, totes the guys fault
I think both parties are usually at fault to some degree. It’s good that the OP is trying to work on herself anyway because there are a lot of people who haven’t even identified their issues.
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mgi
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#9
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(Original post by StriderHort)
That's not how we do things in 2019, the loser man should have automatically and maturely solved all problems, esp the ones he wasn't told about. The OP has no responsibilities towards meeting their own needs. It's an absurd suggestion.
You said: "The OP has no responsibilities towards meeting their own needs". Really? OP herself said the exact opposite!- and she is correct. The guy is supposed to "automatically and maturely" solve OPs problems??!. Are yoi serious? Are other people responsible for how you decide to behave?
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Wired_1800
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
My boyfriend dumped me on Friday. It was amicable, but we spoke on the phone today to clear some things up. I also asked him what the worst parts were about dating me, because I honestly wanted to know.

He said that I can be quite negative, and also obvious when I'm in a bad mood. Both are true, and I'm working on that, partly by seeking counselling.

But I feel terrible because he admitted that at times he felt like we had an almost parent-child dynamic. I've had a very bad relationship with my dad for a while, but it's hit me so hard to be told that my issues are hurting other parts of my life, i.e. my love life. Honestly reflecting, even before I met him, I've looked for validation from guys and accepted poor treatment.

I feel so guilty, I'm mortified and I desperately want to stop this toxic behaviour to be better.

What do I do?
I dont want to absolve you of any fault, but the guy is a schmuck. He did not tell you of his feelings during the relationship then goes on to give you bad feedback afterwards.

I think you should do 2 things:
1. Continue to work on yourself and try to improve your wellbeing. This will help you when you start engaging with people.
2. Try to resolve your daddy issues, if you can. Daddy issues can destroy a woman’s life, so it is advisable to sort it out as soon as you can.
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StriderHort
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#11
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#11
(Original post by mgi)
You said: "The OP has no responsibilities towards meeting their own needs". Really? OP herself said the exact opposite!- and she is correct. The guy is supposed to "automatically and maturely" solve OPs problems??!. Are yoi serious? Are other people responsible for how you decide to behave?
I was being absurdly sarcastic.
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StriderHort
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#12
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#12
(Original post by Wired_1800)
He did not tell you of his feelings during the relationship then goes on to give you bad feedback afterwards.
OP put the ex on the spot and asked? Why couldn't the OP have addressed this earlier themselves?
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Wired_1800
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(Original post by StriderHort)
OP put the ex on the spot and asked? Why couldn't the OP have addressed this earlier themselves?
I agree but OP may have not known how her ex felt until he told her. He basically kept it to himself whilst dying in silence.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Wired_1800)
I agree but OP may have not known how her ex felt until he told her. He basically kept it to himself whilst dying in silence.
I would agree if this was the kind of issue that is resolved through dialogue. However, it is not. It's a personality issue, completely personal to the OP and has nothing to do with him. It is not unreasonable that he recognised this, knew there was nothing to be gained by talking to her about it, and called it quits.

The fact that he highlighted the problem retrospectively still gives the OP the benefit of knowledge, so she can work on it without the catch of being in a relationship while doing so. I think he has been very sensible.
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Wired_1800
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I would agree if this was the kind of issue that is resolved through dialogue. However, it is not. It's a personality issue, completely personal to the OP and has nothing to do with him. It is not unreasonable that he recognised this, knew there was nothing to be gained by talking to her about it, and called it quits.

The fact that he highlighted the problem retrospectively still gives the OP the benefit of knowledge, so she can work on it without the catch of being in a relationship while doing so. I think he has been very sensible.
I dont agree. If you truly like a person and want to see the person grow then you speak with them about their faults. Not in a nagging manner but a loving and calm way.

The OP’s bf probably felt that it was too much to him, so possibly decided to enjoy it whilst it lasted. It was good that he brought it up afterwards but it did nothing to save their relationship.

I think this approach is what destroys relationships nowadays. People dying in silence then suddenly react badly. The other person is caught off guard because they were unaware. Most people are unaware of their faults until someone brings it up.
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Anonymous #1
#16
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#16
(Original post by StriderHort)
OP put the ex on the spot and asked? Why couldn't the OP have addressed this earlier themselves?
I actually went to counselling sessions offered by my university earlier this year. They only offer six sessions, but during that period I did make some progress, and I genuinely felt better over the summer. That was also around the time that I met my ex-boyfriend, when I was more positive and upbeat.

However, with certain things that have happened recently since, my issues have flared up again and clearly it was noticeable for him.

As I said, I wanted his honesty hence why I asked. I appreciate that he told me because I needed to hear it.

That doesn't mean that I can't have an emotional response to the fact that my hang-ups are more visible than I had thought. I'm human.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I would agree if this was the kind of issue that is resolved through dialogue. However, it is not. It's a personality issue, completely personal to the OP and has nothing to do with him. It is not unreasonable that he recognised this, knew there was nothing to be gained by talking to her about it, and called it quits.

The fact that he highlighted the problem retrospectively still gives the OP the benefit of knowledge, so she can work on it without the catch of being in a relationship while doing so. I think he has been very sensible.
You're right. He's a good guy, which adds to my guilt about projecting my problems onto him. He shouldn't have had to deal with that.
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mgi
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#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
I actually went to counselling sessions offered by my university earlier this year. They only offer six sessions, but during that period I did make some progress, and I genuinely felt better over the summer. That was also around the time that I met my ex-boyfriend, when I was more positive and upbeat.

However, with certain things that have happened recently since, my issues have flared up again and clearly it was noticeable for him.

As I said, I wanted his honesty hence why I asked. I appreciate that he told me because I needed to hear it.

That doesn't mean that I can't have an emotional response to the fact that my hang-ups are more visible than I had thought. I'm human.
Change takes time and can be a roller coaster. You just have to keep going and be determined.
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Dunnig Kruger
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#19
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#19
Focus on your positives.

Nobody's perfect.

You must have plenty of good features, or you wouldn't have had a boyfriend in the first place.

Make it so your good features overwhelm your less good features. Therefore making you a good enough package overall.
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LenaBuk
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#20
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(Original post by StriderHort)
lol, yeah, totes the guys fault
It semi comes across that way, tbh.
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