Strach2k
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Can anyone take a look at my response and give me some constructive criticism please..
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Strach2k
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Name:  IMG_20191204_233744.jpg
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The extract is Mr fisher but I feel its awful...
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Davy611
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Level 2. 4/8. Discuss moments of tension and drama as part of the narrative structure. Be more precise in your evaluation. Don't make language points.
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Strach2k
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(Original post by Davy611)
Level 2. 4/8. Discuss moments of tension and drama as part of the narrative structure. Be more precise in your evaluation. Don't make language points.
Isn't the question about structure, what language points have I made? How can I be more precise I can't say categorically be is a loner as I can only infer?
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Strach2k
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Anyone else? What can I improve plz?
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Gilwern
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This is a strong response. 6 out of 8.

The question asks you to write about what the writer has focused on: you’ve done this.

The question asks you to write about how the focus changes: you’ve done this.

To get top marks

Speculate on why it is structured in this way.

So, why do you think it might be structured in this way?
Last edited by Gilwern; 10 months ago
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Tolgash
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(Original post by Gilwern)
This is a strong response. 6 out of 8.

The question asks you to write about what the writer has focused on: you’ve done this.

The question asks you to write about how the focus changes: you’ve done this.

To get top marks

Speculate on why it is structured in this way.

So, why do you think it might be structured in this way?
Interesting how the professional examiner, Davy611, disagrees and thinks it's average. The discrepancies in English assessment have appeared once again!
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Gilwern
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I agree English is quite subjective at times and can be open to interpretation.

Here is a 4 mark answer taken from AQA’s website. In comparison to Strach2k's response, it is incoherent and vague. Strach2k's response is clearly better than this one.

4 marks out of 8
The sources opening is purposefully written to avoid the story line, by focusing on and visualising the van the reader is made curious to it’s nature and purpose within the story. Then by immediately changing focus to the family, in the second paragraph, Bate’s builds a vivid imagein the readers mind using detailed imagery.

Bate’s uses short snappy dialogue that adds unanswered questions and builds tension. Coupld with short sentences and less detail Bates avoids boring the reader. Then by drawing focus onto a single character, Alice, longer sentences and description is used more due to lack of characterisation. Then with the return of Mr Hartop conflict is protrayed once again through short sentences and relating to Mr Hartop’s anger.
Last edited by Gilwern; 10 months ago
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Strach2k
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I'm Confused varying opinions??! I will see what my English tutor thinks of it and let you all know, I have tried to show structure techniques and explain why they are being used... You believe my response is incoherent and vague?
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Gilwern
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(Original post by Strach2k)
I'm Confused varying opinions??! I will see what my English tutor thinks of it and let you all know, I have tried to show structure techniques and explain why they are being used... You believe my response is incoherent and vague?
No, quite the opposite. I have edited my post to hopefully make it clear.

Your response is 6 out of 8.

The AQA response I posted is 4 out of 8. It is incoherent and vague in comparison to yours.
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Strach2k
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(Original post by Gilwern)
No, quite the opposite. I have edited my post to hopefully make it clear.

Your response is 6 out of 8.

The AQA response I posted is 4 out of 8. It is incoherent and vague in comparison to yours.
Ohh I see thank you, that's does clear things up, hopefully my English tutor will agree 😁 considering I haven't been in school for over 16years and have had 6 Gcse English lessons I'm pleasently pleased with that 😁
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Gilwern
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(Original post by Strach2k)
Ohh I see thank you, that's does clear things up, hopefully my English tutor will agree 😁 considering I haven't been in school for over 16years and have had 6 Gcse English lessons I'm pleasently pleased with that 😁
Believe me it's a good response. You have a nice clear writing style too. Not overly complicating things (in a good way).

You're welcome to respond to the question I posed further up. I might be able to help you improve it even further.
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Strach2k
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Which question is that sorry?
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Gilwern
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To get top marks

Speculate on why the text is structured in this way.

So, why do you think it might be structured in this way?
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Tolgash
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(Original post by Gilwern)
Here is a 4 mark answer taken from AQA’s website. In comparison to Strach2k's response, it is incoherent and vague. Strach2k's response is clearly better than this one.
Is it? I don't think so. My assessment was also that this was an average answer.

I think I'll trust examiner judgement. Four marks can come on many different shapes and sizes. In such medium-tariff questions, it is easy for there to be a much greater difference in quality between marks.
Last edited by Tolgash; 10 months ago
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Strach2k
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Add to the existing and answer your questions you mean?
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Davy611
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Just casual feedback, nothing set in stone Maybe I was a bit harsh last night when peering at the image. Gilwern's response seems perfectly reasonable. I'll push to 5/8
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Gilwern
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Tolgarda,

To get above 4 marks, you have to show clear understanding. If you re-read Strach's response, you'll see that they really do show a clear understanding of the text and how it is structured.

Absolute minimum 5 marks, but I'd still go 6. The vast majority of responses to this question are far worse, believe me!

P.s. I too have marked this paper
Last edited by Gilwern; 10 months ago
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Gilwern
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(Original post by Strach2k)
Add to the existing and answer your questions you mean?
Just try and answer the question on here using your normal words. Don't need to make it fancy.

You've already explained how the text is structured. You did that really well. Now, why do you think the writer might have structured it like this?
Last edited by Gilwern; 10 months ago
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Tolgash
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(Original post by Gilwern)
Tolgarda,

To get above 4 marks, you have to show clear understanding. If you re-read Strach's response, you'll see that they really do show a clear understanding of the text and how it is structured.

Absolute minimum 5 marks, but I'd still go 6. The vast majority of responses to this question are far worse, believe me!

P.s. I too have marked this paper
I understand. Thanks for telling me.
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