Help, I can’t make sense of all this Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Ok so Im generally decribed as being very reserved, quiet and passive, Im not the type who shouts when im angry, I rarely even feel like doing so. In the pasy people have said that i come across as though i dont care and im worried that its true, i am very apathetic expecially saying i work in healthcare. Ive found that what makes other people angry doesn’t bother me. I try to act on things and do good the same as others do but i just dont have those feelings. Don’t get me wrong if i feel that im being treated unfairly I’l get angry but I still wont shout. People generally decribe me as nice but say that im too nice and let people walk all over me (this is because i dont get angry much). Now my mum is the total opposite, is very snappy and yells/screws her face up at the least little thing.

People say that if someone is shouting/angry at you then the best method is to stay calm but in the case of my ex boyfriend, my mum and some other people i have found the opposite. My calm reponses to them shouting at me have seemed to anger them even more. When my mum is yelling/screaming at me (usually for knocking a glass over or something small) I usually stay talking very calm and say ‘I can still hear you whether you are shouting or talking, theres no need to shout, im angry too but im choosing not to shout’ Shel say ‘i’l shout if i want to its how i am, everyone reacts differently’.

Today she was yelling and yelling at something. I can tell you what it was if you like but its a different topic..basically i wanted to use the washing machine as i work all week and she doesnt we agreed in the past that i have the machine at the weekends and she has it monday to Friday, as i cant get my washing done through the week im at work/have evening commitments etc. I came downstarirs this morning with my washing (id arranged it in piles the night before) to find that she had put stuff in it. I calmly asked her in future going forward could she leave the machine free at weekends as agreed as i now couldnt get my washing done. She started shouting/yelling saying that shes sick of me controlling, she’s use the washer when she wants etc’. I talking calmly stating that Im unable to use it through the week whereas she has 5 full days and she shouted saying ‘so, its my house’. Most of you will prob say she has a point but I mentioned to her that she was shouting again and that we could still have the same conversation talking quietly. She went straight to my dad yelling that she was sick of me ‘gauding’ her she yelled and yelled saying that i should be married with kids by now etc (maybe so).

I have been at home too long i admit (i’l accept blame for this). I am moving out in february ive bought an house. It seems that she was nicer too me before i started my job/bought the house etc lately she seems to either ignore me or yell..i dont understand it. Surely she’d be glad im getting my own place.

Anyway I decided to yell back at her (bad decision i know) the way she was at me and again surprisingly found that she calmed down, sat down and even smirked a bit. She seemed to enjoy me shouting, I dont know why..but Ive found this in the past with both her and my ex boyfriend. Its as though a reaction from me calms them. Eitherway she then started saying that i was nasty and that she wouldnt dare talk to her mother like that, that im the most nasty/selfish person she knows, no wonder ive no friends (this is true) and that shes finished with me etc. I told her that i tried 2 alternative approaches to talking with her and neither worked. I asked her why she seems to get more angry when im calm but she didnt answer and just talked about how nasty i was. Now she isnt talking to me and it seems really has finished with me.

Maybe i am nasty I mean i do worry myself and know that im apathetic compared to most people- this is good in that not much affects me but I do wish i cared about things more. Anyway thats another topic.

The main questions I want to focus on here, one of them i suppose is 1) why is she not being as nice to me now as she was before i 'got my life/career togther and bought a house’. 2) Why does me expressing my anger/shouting seem to calm people down in discussions/arguments? All the professional research/literature states that staying calm resolves confrontation.
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Anonymous #1
#2
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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Now after all that she is talking to me, has been for a walk with me and is looking at a holiday for us ato go on. This is after ive shouted at her, wheras the past few weeks ive stayed calm during altercations shes ignored/shouted even more. Its crazy how it works.
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~Sara~
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#3
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1) Honestly, I'm not too sure about the answer to this question. Maybe it's resentment? Maybe she's bitter that eventhough you've done well with your life, you're still with them?

2) I experience this a lot. When some people get into an arguement, they are looking for a reaction from you. For them when you react, it's like they've won. When they get angry, they don't want you to stay calm and unaffected, they want to see you angry and upset because it's how they feel. If you're standing there calmly, it's like you're not listening and you don't care (therefore it's like they have lost the arguement). They want you to care about what they're saying. If you shout and react to what they say, it means you're listening and what they said has affected you. And their aim is to have that effect.

I know it's wrong but it's the way some people are
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~Sara~
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#4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ok so Im generally decribed as being very reserved, quiet and passive, Im not the type who shouts when im angry, I rarely even feel like doing so. In the pasy people have said that i come across as though i dont care and im worried that its true, i am very apathetic expecially saying i work in healthcare. Ive found that what makes other people angry doesn’t bother me. I try to act on things and do good the same as others do but i just dont have those feelings. Don’t get me wrong if i feel that im being treated unfairly I’l get angry but I still wont shout. People generally decribe me as nice but say that im too nice and let people walk all over me (this is because i dont get angry much). Now my mum is the total opposite, is very snappy and yells/screws her face up at the least little thing.

People say that if someone is shouting/angry at you then the best method is to stay calm but in the case of my ex boyfriend, my mum and some other people i have found the opposite. My calm reponses to them shouting at me have seemed to anger them even more. When my mum is yelling/screaming at me (usually for knocking a glass over or something small) I usually stay talking very calm and say ‘I can still hear you whether you are shouting or talking, theres no need to shout, im angry too but im choosing not to shout’ Shel say ‘i’l shout if i want to its how i am, everyone reacts differently’.

Today she was yelling and yelling at something. I can tell you what it was if you like but its a different topic..basically i wanted to use the washing machine as i work all week and she doesnt we agreed in the past that i have the machine at the weekends and she has it monday to Friday, as i cant get my washing done through the week im at work/have evening commitments etc. I came downstarirs this morning with my washing (id arranged it in piles the night before) to find that she had put stuff in it. I calmly asked her in future going forward could she leave the machine free at weekends as agreed as i now couldnt get my washing done. She started shouting/yelling saying that shes sick of me controlling, she’s use the washer when she wants etc’. I talking calmly stating that Im unable to use it through the week whereas she has 5 full days and she shouted saying ‘so, its my house’. Most of you will prob say she has a point but I mentioned to her that she was shouting again and that we could still have the same conversation talking quietly. She went straight to my dad yelling that she was sick of me ‘gauding’ her she yelled and yelled saying that i should be married with kids by now etc (maybe so).

I have been at home too long i admit (i’l accept blame for this). I am moving out in february ive bought an house. It seems that she was nicer too me before i started my job/bought the house etc lately she seems to either ignore me or yell..i dont understand it. Surely she’d be glad im getting my own place.

Anyway I decided to yell back at her (bad decision i know) the way she was at me and again surprisingly found that she calmed down, sat down and even smirked a bit. She seemed to enjoy me shouting, I dont know why..but Ive found this in the past with both her and my ex boyfriend. Its as though a reaction from me calms them. Eitherway she then started saying that i was nasty and that she wouldnt dare talk to her mother like that, that im the most nasty/selfish person she knows, no wonder ive no friends (this is true) and that shes finished with me etc. I told her that i tried 2 alternative approaches to talking with her and neither worked. I asked her why she seems to get more angry when im calm but she didnt answer and just talked about how nasty i was. Now she isnt talking to me and it seems really has finished with me.

Maybe i am nasty I mean i do worry myself and know that im apathetic compared to most people- this is good in that not much affects me but I do wish i cared about things more. Anyway thats another topic.

The main questions I want to focus on here, one of them i suppose is 1) why is she not being as nice to me now as she was before i 'got my life/career togther and bought a house’. 2) Why does me expressing my anger/shouting seem to calm people down in discussions/arguments? All the professional research/literature states that staying calm resolves confrontation.
I wish I had your patience I get angry too quickly. The smallest things make me angry. And even though I argue it's like the other person wins the arguement every time. I get angry, I shout, I cry and every time they win because they cused that reaction from me. If i did nothing, it's like everything they said to me has no effect. They dont want that. I have a bad habit. I wish i had the patience you have
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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(Original post by ~Sara~)
I wish I had your patience I get angry too quickly. The smallest things make me angry. And even though I argue it's like the other person wins the arguement every time. I get angry, I shout, I cry and every time they win because they cused that reaction from me. If i did nothing, it's like everything they said to me has no effect. They dont want that. I have a bad habit. I wish i had the patience you have
Don’t get me wrong there are times I get angry but mostly I don’t and on occassions I do I'l tend to be passive aggressive/do daft things. Honestly though I wish i had more ‘feeling’ Im so apathetic and its not great in my job or for forming friendships, hence why i dont really have any friends- I struggle to feel for people when things go wrong for them, but I’l still try to help as i know its the right thing and i care about what others think of me, again which is selfish. At work everyone gets high rate/angry about something another team said/did but it just doesnt affect me, in fact i tend to see both sides, but obviously I keep quiet. At least people can see you care.
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~Sara~
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#6
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Don’t get me wrong there are times I get angry but mostly I don’t and on occassions I do I'l tend to be passive aggressive/do daft things. Honestly though I wish i had more ‘feeling’ Im so apathetic and its not great in my job or for forming friendships, hence why i dont really have any friends- I struggle to feel for people when things go wrong for them, but I’l still try to help as i know its the right thing and i care about what others think of me, again which is selfish. At work everyone gets high rate/angry about something another team said/did but it just doesnt affect me, in fact i tend to see both sides, but obviously I keep quiet. At least people can see you care.
yeah, i can understand how you feel. except its not really great to feel too much, feeling too much means you get hurt too easily

plus it's how you react to things, it'd be hard to change it. just try to make the most of the way you are

xxx
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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(Original post by ~Sara~)
yeah, i can understand how you feel. except its not really great to feel too much, feeling too much means you get hurt too easily

plus it's how you react to things, it'd be hard to change it. just try to make the most of the way you are

xxx
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