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Can someone please mark this AQA English Lanuage Paper 1 Question 5.

Curtains drawn, lights off, roads empty. Little noise was audible throughout the abandoned, apocalyptic streets. The once seemingly vast, empty space above was now filled with dark, opaque clouds. Thunder boomed, lightning struck and the patter of rain began to sound.
The cables of wooden masts sparked; surging with electricity causing trepidation among the surrounding gulls. They fluttered and squawked in sync with the recurring sudden strikes of lightning.
The sheer, ruthless force of the waves smashed against the cracked, derelict cobblestone walls with the excess spraying against the single glazed windows of the passing train. The previously silent streets were now overwhelmed by the grumbles and groans of mother nature. Merciless iced winds struck the isolated town and trees swayed violently from side to side like the bristles of a toothbrush rubbing against teeth. Displeasing and uncontrollable, the weather was released of its reigns causing destruction wherever its hands lay.
Reply 1
do you have the picture which it goes with?
Reply 2
i say this is amazing btw what does trepidation mean?
Reply 3
Original post by 000_0000
i say this is amazing btw what does trepidation mean?

Thank you. Trepidation means a sense of fear
Original post by wolveriz
Curtains drawn, lights off, roads empty. Little noise was audible throughout the abandoned, apocalyptic streets. The once seemingly vast, empty space above was now filled with dark, opaque clouds. Thunder boomed, lightning struck and the patter of rain began to sound.
The cables of wooden masts sparked; surging with electricity causing trepidation among the surrounding gulls. They fluttered and squawked in sync with the recurring sudden strikes of lightning.
The sheer, ruthless force of the waves smashed against the cracked, derelict cobblestone walls with the excess spraying against the single glazed windows of the passing train. The previously silent streets were now overwhelmed by the grumbles and groans of mother nature. Merciless iced winds struck the isolated town and trees swayed violently from side to side like the bristles of a toothbrush rubbing against teeth. Displeasing and uncontrollable, the weather was released of its reigns causing destruction wherever its hands lay.

Too many clichés for me. Misuse of semicolons and too many commas. Forced phrasing in places like 'opaque clouds', 'released of its reigns', etc.

I find it overwritten.

Sorry.
Reply 5
I am really grateful for your honest opinion. How am I able to improve this piece as it is meant to be descriptive of the miserable weather

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