The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

For those of you doubting your relationships because they're LD: how much of a social life do you have at uni? I only ask because having been in an international LDR for 3.5 years before moving in with the guy, we attribute the success of it at least partly to the fact that we were able to stay independent and have our own social lives rather than spending all our time missing each other (although that doesn't mean we never did!).

Reply 3267

miniaturexhero

Angelil

For those of you doubting your relationships because they're LD: how much of a social life do you have at uni? I only ask because having been in an international LDR for 3.5 years before moving in with the guy, we attribute the success of it at least partly to the fact that we were able to stay independent and have our own social lives rather than spending all our time missing each other (although that doesn't mean we never did!).

I'm seconding that :smile:

I know I miss my boyfriend more when I'm bored so I just have to fill my life up with stuff (even if it means working seven 7am shifts in a week). Doing stuff and having your own friends makes it a lot easier to cope!

I know the hardest thing for me is not the distance but the fact that he's at uni and I'm still at home - so he's off enjoying himself whilst I'm at home bored to death! (looking forward to uni, in a BIG way!)

Reply 3268

Angelil

For those of you doubting your relationships because they're LD: how much of a social life do you have at uni? I only ask because having been in an international LDR for 3.5 years before moving in with the guy, we attribute the success of it at least partly to the fact that we were able to stay independent and have our own social lives rather than spending all our time missing each other (although that doesn't mean we never did!).

I have a great social life, and love being at uni. The problem is that he doesn't get to share that with me, and he can get very jealous of me being friends with other guys, saying that they just want to sleep with me. And when I see my friends with boyfriends at university, who they can go out with and see on a daily basis, I get so frustrated that I can't do that with my boyfriend, that to see him I have to spend five hours on a train and miss a weekend of fun at uni.

I suppose, when I think about it properly, the problem isn't that I miss him, because I have plenty to distract myself with. The problem is that I feel like I'm wasting my time having a guy that's so far away, who I hardly ever get to spend time with. Of course, when I do see him, this feeling all changes, because I love him so much and just love spending time with him. If I didn't think he was incredible, there's no way we'd still be together. But I wonder if any guy is really worth this much hassle, especially as I can't see us being together forever.

Reply 3269

That jealousy doesn't sound good. Have the two of you ever talked about his insecurities?

Reply 3270

A bit, but it doesn't seem to help. I've had a few 'incidents' at uni, where guys have admitted they like me and tried to get with me, and because I'm very honest, I've told my boyfriend about these situations. Maybe that was a mistake, and has caused this, but he's been jealous of other guys before. I reassure him that nothing's going to happen, but I think he's just terrified that I'll cheat on him because I've cheated before. He doesn't seem to understand that now it's completely different, because I'm in love with him.

Aside from that, he's incredibly insecure about everything. He hates university, hates his course but won't change them (trust me, I've given him every option I can and each one gets rejected, so I've accepted that he won't leave his uni until he graduates). It gets very difficult for me to support him, and I find myself getting upset after I've spoken to him because he's so miserable. He's sometimes like this when he's actually with me, but not always. When he's happy, he's the best person in the world. When he isn't, he's a nightmare, and that, combined with the long-distance thing, makes me feel very hopeless about our relationship.

Reply 3271

So the long-distance thing exacerbates the problems, rather than causing them. I see :frown:

I know it's not really blokish but have you suggested he keeps a diary in which to vent all this?

Reply 3272

Haha, he does keep a diary - a meticulous one in fact. I'm not sure how much it helps - I've obviously never read it so I don't know how upsetting his thoughts really are. I want to stay with him, but my parents tell me that I'm too young to try to cope with his problems as well as my own, and think that even if this lasts through university, I will have gone through a lot of pain for something that will just come to an end later in our lives. It seems horrible to have him being miserable as a reason why I should break up with him, because as his girlfriend I should support him through anything, but this is something I find very difficult to cope with and when I'm far away, you're right, it just exacerbates the problems.

Thanks for your help Angelil, I really appreciate it.

Reply 3273

Don't worry - it's what the thread is here for!
I don't usually believe in breaks, but maybe you two could take a small one if it's what you both want - give himself some time to sort out his issues a little bit and then try again? I've never had experience of this type of problem in a relationship though so can't help in any specific way. However, I always found my uni counselling service helpful so maybe he could try this as well if he thinks it would help.

Reply 3274

I've suggested counselling numerous times and he just won't try it - he doesn't trust counsellors or doctors. I guess I'll just see how the summer goes, thanks for your help :smile:

Reply 3275

Anonymous #67

Anonymous

But I wonder if any guy is really worth this much hassle, especially as I can't see us being together forever.

This sentence stuck out. If you can't see yourself being with him forever then why subject yourself to this misery and prolong the relationship? From what you've said, travelling to see him is a 5 hour hassle (and you miss a weekend's fun at uni). Frankly, if visiting your bf becomes a chore and you'd rather be at uni having fun then perhaps it is an indication that you are no longer as invested in this relationship as before. Do realise that being able to see your other half a few days a month plus summer is sometimes much more than others are able to.

Also, as previously mentioned, the issue about missing out on uni life because you're in an LDR. ********. It seems to be that those who lament about missing out on uni life basically want the opportunity to fool around. Because everything else at uni can be experienced and enjoyed even while attached. Sure, there are things and times you might wish that you could share with your bf and the urge to slap lovey-dovey-couples around you never quite fade but that's essentially it. Somehow, I'm sensing (i may be wrong of course) that either you have realised that your bf isn't quite right for you and there are other fish in the sea thus you really want to end it. Or that you're selfish and you want to hold on to him just in case you can't find anyone better but still have the luxury of messing around. Honestly, anybody who wants to break up while in university and then get back together later just so they can 'enjoy uni life' is rather selfish.

Well, the above might be harsh but that's my honest opinion. I've seen and heard enough of similar excuses from my friends in LDR and this isn't anything different.

Reply 3276

lucyhol1012

13

Anonymous

This sentence stuck out. If you can't see yourself being with him forever then why subject yourself to this misery and prolong the relationship? From what you've said, travelling to see him is a 5 hour hassle (and you miss a weekend's fun at uni). Frankly, if visiting your bf becomes a chore and you'd rather be at uni having fun then perhaps it is an indication that you are no longer as invested in this relationship as before. Do realise that being able to see your other half a few days a month plus summer is sometimes much more than others are able to.

Also, as previously mentioned, the issue about missing out on uni life because you're in an LDR. ********. It seems to be that those who lament about missing out on uni life basically want the opportunity to fool around. Because everything else at uni can be experienced and enjoyed even while attached. Sure, there are things and times you might wish that you could share with your bf and the urge to slap lovey-dovey-couples around you never quite fade but that's essentially it. Somehow, I'm sensing (i may be wrong of course) that either you have realised that your bf isn't quite right for you and there are other fish in the sea thus you really want to end it. Or that you're selfish and you want to hold on to him just in case you can't find anyone better but still have the luxury of messing around. Honestly, anybody who wants to break up while in university and then get back together later just so they can 'enjoy uni life' is rather selfish.

Well, the above might be harsh but that's my honest opinion. I've seen and heard enough of similar excuses from my friends in LDR and this isn't anything different.

I couldn't agree more with what you've said. I have a few friends who are going to university come September and are breaking up because they want to "Enjoy the university experience" which is just ridiculous if you ask me.
Their poor boyfriends have no idea they feel like this though. It sucks.

Reply 3277