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    • #197
    #197

    (Original post by Angelil)
    no, that's fair enough. My fiancé and I often had quite long/irregular breaks between visits (anything from between 2 and 10 weeks) so I do sympathise. When you say you feel that you need more from the relationship than is possible due to its current status, do you mean sexually, emotionally, or something else? Is it something that you can work through together?
    I suppose emotionally, just someone to talk to face to face and someone to spend time with and someone to do coupley things with. I wouldn't say it was something we could work on, Although we video chat on msn i just need someone I can have more physical contact with.

    thanks
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    It's definitely hard, but are you sure you won't regret it? Every 3 weeks isn't ideal but uni terms aren't too long, lots of holidays and a very long summer break. Will you both be living back near eachother during these times? Could be worth just working through the uni terms, it tends to go quite quickly.
    • #197
    #197

    (Original post by hannahdaisy)
    It's definitely hard, but are you sure you won't regret it? Every 3 weeks isn't ideal but uni terms aren't too long, lots of holidays and a very long summer break. Will you both be living back near eachother during these times? Could be worth just working through the uni terms, it tends to go quite quickly.
    yea she lives just around the corner from me when I'm home. I'm trying to get my head straight and work out what it is that I want and if it's worth it. I keep telling myself it's a week til easter and I get to spend 3 weeks with her and then not left of uni and we'll have the whole of the summer together.

    My mother seems to want me to end it or cheat on her because she think's I will regret it if I spend all my time at uni with the same girl I have had since the beginning of college.

    thanks for the encouragement
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    I know a lot of people have that attitude but I don't think it's necessarily the right one. For some people it is though, and they come to uni with the mindset of getting with a different girl each night, if you're not one of them then don't just turn into one coz you think that's what people expect. If you're happy with your gf then I'd advise you to try and work through it all.

    Yep, nearly easter break three whole weeks together then only a few more weeks at uni then I dunno about your uni but we get about 5 months off for summer. Even when you go back it'll be about October, then we normally get a break in between that and xmas somewhere, then 5 weeks off for xmas etc. Not seeing eachother will obviously be difficult but it's obviously all up to you and what you think you can deal with.

    Remember, if you meet a new girl at uni that you like, she's unlikely to just live around the corner back home too, so all uni holidays you'll end up in the same situation as this one, just the opposite way around!
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    Hi all, just dropping in with my first post to this thread

    I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year, and 8 months of that has been long distance: the first three months of that were a short distance really, an hour and a half, but now it's 3 and a half hours apart during term time.

    I love him with all my heart, but I will admit, I am insecure. I feel like he is better than me, can easily do better than me and am worried that that's what he wants. Sometimes I tell him I just want him to be happy and want him to tell me if he's not wanting the relationship anymore, which I think just frustrates him more but I can't help it. I feel sick when I know he's seeing another girl or anything like that, and constantly feel like I can't make him happy. He is very tolerant of me, I am so lucky and adore him, but I'm worried his patience is getting thin, which sadly just makes me fret more which of course frustrates him! I know the distance is straining our relationship, and it's upsetting me to the point where I can't concentrate on work. I think it's all self-inflicted, but I'm constantly thinking he's going to turn round and tell me it's over - I'm frequently having nightmares about him leaving me for someone else. Just needed to get all this out somewhere, as I'm really finding everything so hard atm
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    (Original post by LittleRed)
    Hi all, just dropping in with my first post to this thread

    I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year, and 8 months of that has been long distance: the first three months of that were a short distance really, an hour and a half, but now it's 3 and a half hours apart during term time.

    I love him with all my heart, but I will admit, I am insecure. I feel like he is better than me, can easily do better than me and am worried that that's what he wants. Sometimes I tell him I just want him to be happy and want him to tell me if he's not wanting the relationship anymore, which I think just frustrates him more but I can't help it. I feel sick when I know he's seeing another girl or anything like that, and constantly feel like I can't make him happy. He is very tolerant of me, I am so lucky and adore him, but I'm worried his patience is getting thin, which sadly just makes me fret more which of course frustrates him! I know the distance is straining our relationship, and it's upsetting me to the point where I can't concentrate on work. I think it's all self-inflicted, but I'm constantly thinking he's going to turn round and tell me it's over - I'm frequently having nightmares about him leaving me for someone else. Just needed to get all this out somewhere, as I'm really finding everything so hard atm
    First of all :hugs::hugs: as i think you need it

    Secondly; you need to remember that your bf is with you for a reason... he loves you and wants to be with you, not anyone else. I know with distance it's much easier to get paranoid and jealous when others get to spend time with him but as you've pointed out yourself, it needs to stop or you're going to push him away. Jus wondering How often do you see/speak to him and what are you doing atm? I think it's important that you try and distract yourself as much as possible.. take up a new hobby, go out with friends, do cw/work anything which stops you overthinking everything so much since it's probably this which is making you fret so much plus keeping busy means you have a lot of things to talk about when you speak to each other as well!

    Thirdly; Come join us in the chat thread -http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=24165308#post24 165308 we specialise in :hugs: and rants
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    Katie just said everything that I was going to :p: Having a life outside of your relationship is vital; equally, it's often helpful to be able to talk to those who are or have been in similar situations.
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    (Original post by 22KT22)
    First of all :hugs::hugs: as i think you need it

    Secondly; you need to remember that your bf is with you for a reason... he loves you and wants to be with you, not anyone else. I know with distance it's much easier to get paranoid and jealous when others get to spend time with him but as you've pointed out yourself, it needs to stop or you're going to push him away. Jus wondering How often do you see/speak to him and what are you doing atm? I think it's important that you try and distract yourself as much as possible.. take up a new hobby, go out with friends, do cw/work anything which stops you overthinking everything so much since it's probably this which is making you fret so much plus keeping busy means you have a lot of things to talk about when you speak to each other as well!

    Thirdly; Come join us in the chat thread -http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?p=24165308#post24 165308 we specialise in :hugs: and rants
    Thank you, I will join the chat thread. I speak to him every day - on the days he's working he calls me up on his way to work, sometimes on his lunch break, on his way home from work and then we talk on msn during the evening. But on his day(s) off, I barely hear from him. I see him most weekends, either he comes here or I go there, so I still see him a lot really.

    The problem is, because of all this, I don't have time to join any societies or take up a hobby really. I work two evenings a week so I can afford to go and see him, which leaves me with two other evenings where I find myself doing uni work. This week I've felt dreadful though and not been able to get down to working at all! Panicking now as I have an essay in for monday and can't concentrate, not started it and not even finished the research!!! He's gone to see a friend this weekend, but I've seen through facebook that he's planning on seeing this girl tonight who he used to be friends with, I'm not sure if they were ever anything more and i've never met her, but I looked at her pictures and wanted to cry as she's stunning When I asked what he was going to be up to this weekend, he said he didn't know, but knew he was going to an art gallery during the day - not mentioning her has made me feel a bit suspicious.

    I don't know if it's just me being paranoid, but I feel like something has been missing this week. He didn't tell me he loved me or missed me until thursday night; before then if I said it he would reply, but even then I didn't feel so certain from his voice. Just very worried really, but keep thinking to myself I don't think he'd travel all that way if he didn't care. I think this weekend I'm going to leave him to it, and not contact him unless he contacts me - I might send the odd text, but nothing that he will feel like he has to reply. Just terrified, because I love him with all my heart, and I'm really starting to think I'm not enough to make him happy anymore.
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    Maybe I can help from a male perspective?

    Me and my gf had been together over 18 months when she went to uni about 3 hours away, we were both 18. I was having a gap year and stayed at home, working and doing a part time course. I'm now at uni (a different one to her) but we're only an hour away from each other and have just celebrated our fourth anniversary!

    I can recognise a lot of the situations/emotions your feeling, from both sides of the fence. I guess the biggest one is, while I was at home in my gap year, an ex, who used to live 50 miles away, came to the uni in my home town. We still got on really really well as friends, so I was excited to see her more than once/twice a year. This, of course, drove my gf mad, and until recently, it still did. I reassured her that I loved her and asked her if she trusted me, which she said yes to, which in turn means she's not allowed to get grumpy!

    Sorry for a bit of a ramble, but unless you trust your bf, your paranoia will drive you and him crazy. Talk to him, though.

    Obviously it depends on the individuals, but it used to upset my girlfriend if I didn't say I love you one day, which is something I personally don't keep track of, I'm guessing your boyfriend probably doesn't either. I personally, call me a bad person if you will, do find someone saying "I love you" 30 times a day, a bit tedious and don't feel the need to hear/say it daily, my gf however disagrees, so I have been retrained!

    Keep talking too him, try and stay out of your own head a bit and try to make time for hobbies and your own friends. It might sound a bit silly, but I know my gf will be there if I don't see her for an extra week, whereas I know that at certain times of year,some of my friendship groups will be more offended/move on if I'm not around, so I have to go with them.

    Smile
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    (Original post by stirling3000)
    Maybe I can help from a male perspective?

    Me and my gf had been together over 18 months when she went to uni about 3 hours away, we were both 18. I was having a gap year and stayed at home, working and doing a part time course. I'm now at uni (a different one to her) but we're only an hour away from each other and have just celebrated our fourth anniversary!

    I can recognise a lot of the situations/emotions your feeling, from both sides of the fence. I guess the biggest one is, while I was at home in my gap year, an ex, who used to live 50 miles away, came to the uni in my home town. We still got on really really well as friends, so I was excited to see her more than once/twice a year. This, of course, drove my gf mad, and until recently, it still did. I reassured her that I loved her and asked her if she trusted me, which she said yes to, which in turn means she's not allowed to get grumpy!

    Sorry for a bit of a ramble, but unless you trust your bf, your paranoia will drive you and him crazy. Talk to him, though.

    Obviously it depends on the individuals, but it used to upset my girlfriend if I didn't say I love you one day, which is something I personally don't keep track of, I'm guessing your boyfriend probably doesn't either. I personally, call me a bad person if you will, do find someone saying "I love you" 30 times a day, a bit tedious and don't feel the need to hear/say it daily, my gf however disagrees, so I have been retrained!

    Keep talking too him, try and stay out of your own head a bit and try to make time for hobbies and your own friends. It might sound a bit silly, but I know my gf will be there if I don't see her for an extra week, whereas I know that at certain times of year,some of my friendship groups will be more offended/move on if I'm not around, so I have to go with them.

    Smile
    Thank you for your advice I do trust my boyfriend, there's just occasions where I get worried by something/one, and most of the time I just don't mention it, because I know it is probably all me. But lately I haven't been the best, I'm completely stressed with uni work and haven't been much fun at all, and the last time he came to see me he said he was fed up with travelling to see me (even though he doesn't do it as much as he used to now) so I was worried that to him, things were coming to an end as he wasn't getting anything out of it anymore, and obviously I only want to be with him if he's happy in the relationship. His general attitude on the phone has been disheartening over the last week too, so that increased my concern! But I didn't mention anything, apart from checking that he was ok because he hadn't seemed himself.
    I can't remember what I said in my last post, but my boyfriend and his ex are still very good friends, which is a good thing, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't over her when he got together with me, which is what concerns me. I do push it out of my head most of the time, but occasionally it does bother me! But again, that's my problem and not his! I have always been a worrier!

    Completely true what you said in the last bit, and my boyfriend doesn't understand that sometimes. For example last month my friend moved to new zealand for university. I saw her two weeks before the weekend she left, but when the weekend before her moving away approached, I knew I wanted to go back home again and see her for one last time, for the sort of gathering she'd arranged with our close friends. This clashed with valentine's weekend, and the weekend after was one of the few weekends I don't see my boyfriend. I planned to go home on the friday night to go out with my friend, then get up early on the saturday morning to get the train to my boyfriend's. But when I told him he was completely unhappy about it, said that he didn't understand why I was even considering it seeing as I'd said goodbye two weeks before, and thought I wasn't thinking about his feelings at all - I couldn't believe it! He made me feel so guilty about it that I very nearly didn't go, and with all the travelling, money was an issue anyway and I couldn't really afford to do it. But in the end, I went home to see my friend, and I knew the moment I got there I would have regretted not going. There were a few friends who didn't go, and they all felt dreadful afterwards. My boyfriend was quite miserable when I arrived there on the saturday morning, but I knew I had done the right thing - and he couldn't say I didn't care about his feelings when it came to midnight, and I gave him the scrapbook I'd worked on til 4 in the morning every night for the last fortnight for valentine's day!
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    On Sunday, my bf moved 3 hours away to start a new job... after having been together for a year and a half and basically living together.

    I've been in a long distance relationship for over two years before, so I know the drill, and it's only slowly starting to sink in but ... :'( At least if we were both at uni we'd have similar holidays and stuff, but he only has weekends off and I have a very stressful course were I can't just take off a whole weekend to see him. Argh.
    • #198
    #198

    I've been with my boyfriend nearly three years now. When we got together, I was 15. I think we've grown together. At the moment, he's in his second year of uni and I in my first.

    As I gain more independence from being at uni, I get scared we might be growing apart. At the same time, it's not enough for me to break up with him, because it's happening gradually, and most of the time I'm happy. It's just, every so often I get seized by this vague feeling of doubt and claustrophobia that I can't relate to anything specific. I'm in one of them right now, hence this. Last time it happened, I was with him, and I told him we should go on a break to test things. After about five minutes of “being on a break”, I looked at him, and realised I couldn't go through with it - I wanted to be with him. I remember that moment, I remember that I felt genuinely that I wanted to be with him – but now, in this period of doubt, I can only remember it like a fact and not like an emotion.

    Any thoughts? I'm not after solutions.
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    Has anyone here gone from long distance to living together? how was the transition? I'm worried that after 3 or 4 years long distance, it'll be difficult to get back to the routine we had before he went to uni (plus he used to live 10 mins away but his parents moved, so we don't go back to seeing each other every day in the holidays anyway). I don't start uni till sept so it's still 2 or 3 years away but I'm one of those people who worries a lot and consequently plans a lot
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    (Original post by campy)
    Has anyone here gone from long distance to living together? how was the transition? I'm worried that after 3 or 4 years long distance, it'll be difficult to get back to the routine we had before he went to uni (plus he used to live 10 mins away but his parents moved, so we don't go back to seeing each other every day in the holidays anyway). I don't start uni till sept so it's still 2 or 3 years away but I'm one of those people who worries a lot and consequently plans a lot
    I did I was in an international LDR for 3.5 years and we went from that to living together. We've now been living together for a year and a half We had maybe one argument, but that was for the entire relationship, not just since we started living together (the fact that we happened to have the argument when we were living together was purely coincidental, I think :p: ). It's been great Having a routine has been fine - we both go out during the day to go to work and so our evenings are greatly treasured (much like when we were LD!) as it's when we catch up on our day.
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    (Original post by Angelil)
    I did I was in an international LDR for 3.5 years and we went from that to living together. We've now been living together for a year and a half We had maybe one argument, but that was for the entire relationship, not just since we started living together (the fact that we happened to have the argument when we were living together was purely coincidental, I think :p: ). It's been great Having a routine has been fine - we both go out during the day to go to work and so our evenings are greatly treasured (much like when we were LD!) as it's when we catch up on our day.
    Thanks, this reassures me!
    • #199
    #199

    (Original post by Jelkin)
    x
    can you clear your inbox please? I messaged you a long time back asking if you'd like to hear about some issues I had and you said it'd be fine. I hope the offer's still up. I've written up the block of text and would like to send it to you.

    I would paste it here, but I think she uses this forum and can't really take the risk. it's also a massive blob of text, so if anyone wouldn't mind me privately messaging them for advice, please do let me know!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    can you clear your inbox please? I messaged you a long time back asking if you'd like to hear about some issues I had and you said it'd be fine. I hope the offer's still up. I've written up the block of text and would like to send it to you.

    I would paste it here, but I think she uses this forum and can't really take the risk. it's also a massive blob of text, so if anyone wouldn't mind me privately messaging them for advice, please do let me know!
    I dont mind giving advice, feel free to ask me anything
    • #199
    #199

    Sent. thanks in advance.
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    Been with my girlfriend for 6 months soon, not one arguement or anything, so we can assume its gonna last to university. Our year is on 25th september! :O, meaning we may be at uni at that time . About 15 miles away from eachother now, 25 min drive, but both drive to see each other all the time, and stay at eachothers house then drive home and then go back to college (worth the rush) , but its nothign like what it will be :O

    She firmed coventry, i firmed plymouth, 220 miles away from each other :/ .. so i guess during that period i'll be popping her often haha.
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    (Original post by Tommyjw)
    Been with my girlfriend for 6 months soon, not one arguement or anything, so we can assume its gonna last to university. Our year is on 25th september! :O, meaning we may be at uni at that time . About 15 miles away from eachother now, 25 min drive, but both drive to see each other all the time, and stay at eachothers house then drive home and then go back to college (worth the rush) , but its nothign like what it will be :O

    She firmed coventry, i firmed plymouth, 220 miles away from each other :/ .. so i guess during that period i'll be popping her often haha.
    That's great that you have been together for 6 months. Ive been with mine for 4 months. I dont think i'll be able to be with him for our 1 year anniversary but me and him will probably work something out. Our year is just the day before his birthday. He asked me a week before his birthday and I said No, ask me on your birthday but he couldnt resist so its a day before his birthday.

    Anyway September is 6 months away. You could think of ways to surprise her. 25th Sep will be on a Saturday so you can think of cool romantic thing.
 
 
 
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