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The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

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Anonymous

Lately my boyfriend and I haven't been able to talk everyday because he's been really busy with work, which is fine, so I suggested we could write each other emails about our day instead. I think its important that we tell each other what we've been up to. Usually my boyfriend is pretty good at replying but the last couple of times he hasn't and I know he's been on the computer (facebook) so I don't understand why he hasn't replied? Should I say something about it or just wait? It just annoys me that when I write him an email he doesnt bother replying?

What happened to Mist was awful but really unusual so don't read her message and panic!

Some people (especially guys, generalisation but true) aren't great with communication. Even if he's usually good, he might just not like this way of talking but not want to upset you by saying not to do it. Do you speak other ways, text or anything?

I know when I get emails it can take me a few days to reply, even if I really want to. It takes me a while to write them and in the middle of a really busy work period if I get half an hour to myself I do usually do other stuff like Facebook. Text him or wait till next time he phones and ask why he hasn't replied, if he doesn't like email or anything. I know it's important to feel involved in all the little things in each other's lives but he might be too busy with work and a little phone call might suit him better. Just ask him about it. I don't know whether it's a job or uni work he's doing but there's the possibility that all he's done is sat and studied or whatever so he really doesn't have anything to say to you and can't write an email about it.

Must be annoying that he doesn't reply to you but talk to him about it. I'm not a fan of email, I think if you have the option of texting/calling for 5 minutes instead it'd be easier.

Reply 4481

Daniela2010

Hi Everyone,
Hope all is well. I am a third year Psychology student at the University of York in England. As well as having been in a long distance relationship myself, Im currently carrying out my assessed research project on the roles of personality and communicative devices in long distance relationships. In order to do this, I desperately need some people to complete my completely anonymous and short 10 minute survey at the link below.
Id be so grateful to anyone who could spare a few minutes to do it for me.
The link is:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/PKLYT3P

Thanks in advance
Daniel

P.S. Id like to apologize in advance if this contravenes any of the rules for use of this forum, and trust that if the moderators aren’t happy about this being posted here, they will remove the post.

Reply 4482

Hannah Phillips

I tried to, but i got to part 2 of question 6 and it wont let me continue, saying This question requires an answer.' when I have answered :s-smilie:

Sorryyyy, if you sort it out i can carry on :P
x

Reply 4483

Anonymous #201

Hello everybody, I need a bit of advice about how to decide whether this relationship is long-distance-worthy.

I've lived in China ever since I was small. I'm taking a gap year in China at the moment, before I go to the UK for university. Whilst on my gap year I've met possibly the most wonderful, loving guy I've ever met. He's exactly what I've always wanted in a boyfriend. He listens to my problems, he looks after me, he deals with all my weirdness and crazy habits (there's quite a few of them), he's funny, silly, sweet, clever, hard-working, a bit nerdy <3 , understanding and trustworthy. Oh yeah, and he's cute, but that's not hugely important. I enjoy talking to him as much as I enjoy kissing him. Most importantly, being with him makes me a better person.

There are a couple of problems, though, when it comes to deciding what to do once the gap year ends and I go off to the UK (he's thinking of either staying in China or returning to the US, where he's from). First of all, I'm slightly younger than he is. No, not like in "An Education". He's 22, finished with "college" and about to start his career. I, on the other hand, am 19, about to start university. In a way, we're at different points in our lives and I'm not sure if I want to be tied down in a LDR just at the beginning of uni. Second problem is, if we do stay in a LDR, what do we do at the end of the four years? He's going to be so far away, either in China or in the US. At least if he's in China then I'll be able to see him during the holidays...but then again four years is a really long time! He says he'd like to work in the UK sometime in the future, but that's both difficult and uncertain. Another problem is, he's my second boyfriend. I don't really have a lot of experience with guys, but something tells me that the way it is with him is the way it's supposed to be. And yet how can I be certain? I also can't be certain that I'll meet someone as wonderful as him at uni or later on!

I suppose the biggest problem is that I don't want to lose him. A big part of me is telling me to take a chance and fight for what we have. I know the risks of going on an LDR, and I know it's going to be incredibly, incredibly difficult. But I guess what I really want to know is, for those who are in LDRs, what made you certain that being in an LDR was the right thing to do?

Sorry...I know I've written a lot...but my friends aren't the best when it comes to asking about long-distance relationships. They've set some very bad examples -_-. I really appreciate any constructive advice you could give me!

Reply 4484

Angelil

Put simply, you have two choices. You are either with him in an LDR, or you are not with him at all.

This is what every person in or considering being in an LDR is faced with. What sounds better to you?

I'd advise you to maybe stop analysing this so much and just go with what FEELS right for now. Try not to overthink this :p:

And feel free to come to the chat thread (the link's in my signature) to chat to lots of us who were or are in similar situations. I sustained an international LDR (England-France) for 3.5 years, which is indeed a long time, but at the end of those 3.5 years, we moved in together and that's been the case now for 18 months. We're also getting married next year, so those 3.5 years of being LD are not very long really in the grand scheme of things.

Reply 4485

Jazmine

I agree with Angelil. Also, it's not as if once in a relationship, you can't get out of it if you find it doesn't work out!

It may not work out and you may end up leaving him, but I'd go for it simply because..
If you really think it's worth a try at maintaining your relationship, you should have no regrets that way. =)

Reply 4486

Hannah Phillips

Yeah, just because you continue with him now doesn't necessarily mean you have to be with him forever, why not just try a LDR and if it turns out to be too much for either of you, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Seems to me that if you really like this guy and if you don't give it a go you'd always wonder what would have happened if you'd tried. I am with my boyfriend after a year of him being away at uni and yesss it is hard and sometimes i think omg i can't do this anymore its too painful, but if if I could go back i would never not stay with him. :smile:

Good luck, its a hard situation to be in :frown:

But you can get support from here whatever you decide :biggrin:

Reply 4487

Hannah Phillips

Angelil

Oh and btw angelil, that is so sweet :smile:

Actually made me smile x

Reply 4488

Angelil

^^ hehe, thanks :biggrin:

Reply 4489

Anonymous #201

Thank you for the advice everyone! I really appreciate it. You're all right, of course. I am over-thinking it and I don't want to lose him. We should definitely give it a try. Thanks again for the help!

Reply 4490

Anonymous #202

Hey, this looks like a really nice and helpfull thread :smile:

Maybe you have a wise word for me, too?

All I wanted was to meet my "nice boy next door", just like all my friends, and now I have fallen for a girl (!) who lives a seven hour drive away from me... I was never even the bi-curious type, so this strikes me as rather ironic :frown:

We have been going out for 8 weeks now, and by going out I mean we spend ages on the phone together, she has been down to see me twice and I am taking the train to see her this friday, so far so good. But I am really having difficulties coping with the down sides of a long distance realtionship... I hate missing her, not being able to see her, that there is the damocles sword of upcoming good-byes hanging over our heads every time we see eachother... And I can't help but feel this is even worse because of us both being girls. My friends know about it, know her, like her and think we are perfect for eachother (my family don't know) but I feel really uncomfortable talking about how badly I miss her and how much of a strain it is on me, because, well, people judge and get uncomfortable about these things... a lot. Even if they don't mean to. And none of them are in LDR, which is an added handicap...

This is where it gets trickier, I just got accepted at a great university in the US, an offer which I have decided to take. Melanie's reaction ( that's her name :rolleyes:

) was that she cancelled her plans for her trip to Malaysia in november and has started suggesting she may come and visit me in boston. I am overwhelmed by this, and I don't know what to do... I can't really picture breaking up with her, but I cannot imagine I am going to be able to cope with a secret long distance relationship for four undergraduate years... I can just see the relationship dieing a slow death, but I don't want to put an end to it yet... but can I go see her on friday knowing I am playing with the thought of ending it with her? I am 19, she is 21 in case this somehow matters, and she told me she loves me yesterday... it was so sweet and beautifull... I think I love her, but, well I am not sure, I don't think I can let myself really love her as long as I have not decided what I am going to do...

please help.
I need an objective, neutral perspective, my thoughts have reached a dead end.

Thanks so much and sorry this has become such a boring long post! :o:

Reply 4491

mysticalfluffy

I'm a bit scared, my boyfriend who is italian and lives in italy is coming tomorrow to stay with me for easter, but I know it will be our last time together until late august. We have been going out for a year a half, and visit each other every month, alternating between england and italy. I'm going traveling throughout june, july and august and in june and may he has his final italian diploma exams.

Has anyone else been separated from a partner for around 4 months?

Reply 4492

MysteryPass

lizfairy

Yeah I have. I do it regularly unfortunately, it sucks ):
I seen my other half last near the end of February and won't be seein him until the start of August maybe ): So that's about 6ish months?

Our longest time was a year and a half because I wasn't allowed to meet. Then we met, and I had to wait 11 months after his second trip to see him again ):

It'll be hard I can't say that it won't be. But stay strong and occupy yourself (:

Reply 4493

Anonymous #203

I've been in a long distance relationship for almost three years. She dumped me at the end of January and I haven't been the same since, it's horrible. I still think she's the best of the best and can't even contact her to see how she is as I don't want to annoy or upset her. But anyway, I'm guessing there are quite a few people looking on this for some advice or they're worrying about whether or not a long distance relationship is the right thing to go for or continue.

As someone said earlier, they can and do work, the distance isn't what makes people break up at all, if you're both right for each other and want it to work enough then you'll both make the extra effort to make it work and push through the difficult times.If you're in a long distance relationship and you break up, I'm almost certain that even if you lived right next door to each other, you'd still end up seperating. Like I say it's not the distance, it's something else in your relationship that is flawed, probably emotionally.

In my case for example, my girlfriend went from adoring me and being the most perfect girlfriend imaginable (she even baked me cake and sent it to me in the post!) to just not really caring about me at all after almost 3 years, she has more important things in her life now I suppose with her uni course getting harder in her second year and new housemates. Maybe if we lived closer she I may have stayed more important to her for longer but still, I didn't mean enough to her deep down so it still would have ended eventually.

I hope this is of some help to somebody. All the best.

Reply 4494

fairyann

I am utterly confused! i don't know what to choose my uni choices are for leeds met and birmingham city. BOTH far away from home and him! I dunno what to do and I dunno if i will even be good enough to get the grades. he seems like he knows that we wont last because of a previous experience which I replied do not compare our relationship to previous ones! ha ha he says he loves me and has told me I am the one. But is very insistent that I stay home to a uni near me. like Chester. OK that means going through clearing which i dunno if that is a gamble i want to take and i feel in myself i can do better than that. Other idea is to resit the year and reapply next year to get into where i really want. I'M SO CONFUSED! i feel i'm getting pushed and pulled. All I know is that I don't wanna go away from home

any thoughts?

Reply 4495

Angelil

^^ DO WHAT YOU WANT; do not have your choices made by others.

Reply 4496

Sakura-Chan

fairyann

You obviously applied to Birmingham and Leeds for a reason! For how good the course is/for the cities themselves/the reputation etc. If you're boyfriend thinks you're ''the one'' then surely it's worth the train rides to see each other and the time apart if you're doing the best thing for you and your future.

What happens if you go to Chester uni instead and a few years down the line you and your boyfriend break up, leaving you looking back on your university experiences, regretting it because your time wasn't spent in the best place for you?

Or if you stayed together all through uni but still lived to resent him for making you stay closer to home?

I honestly think you should go where you want!

Reply 4497

fairyann

Sakura-Chan

Thankyou! That really puts things into perspective. I think my main problem is I am afraid of making my own choices. haha. :smile:

Reply 4498

Shockolate

fairyann

Do what is best for you/your education and career - and if that means going to a far away university then so be it. If you went to your local university mainly down to it being near to your boyfriend and then you and your boyfriend broke up, you'd probably regret it! If you are "the one" then he should support you wherever you go, and if the relationship is meant to work, it will, you'll just both have to put in the effort with communication and travelling to see eachother. :smile:

I say this as someone who is in a serious relationship, and will (providing i get the grades!) be moving to a uni that's a 3 hour train journey away. Deciding which uni offer to firm was a difficult decision to make, but my boyfriend says he'll support me 100% wherever I go. Who knows if it will work out in the long run but we're gonna try really hard to make it work, and if we do end up breaking up (really hope not!) then at least I'll be at the university I want to be at.

Good luck to you :smile:

Reply 4499

bestie

bethannny

Ah, this thread looks so useful :]

(I tried to keep this short, but it spread uncontrollably - oops :s-smilie:

)

Basically, I'm moving down to Brighton from London at the end of September to start uni - which I'm immensely excited about. My BF, however, is going to Surrey on the 16th August to start his basic training as he's joining the Army Intelligence Corps (which, bless him he was so excited to have got into!). That'll last 14 ish weeks, then he moves up to Bedford to do additional training that'll last a further 27 weeks. All this is leading up to him becoming a translator, learning Pashto (a form of Arabic spoken in, to name one place, Afghanistan). This will, as you may have guessed, lead to him doing tours of duty in said country.

He does 6/7 weeks of training, then gets a long weekend before completing the rest. I can't go and see him whilst he's doing that. Unfortunately, it also looks like the weekend he gets free is the one I'll be moving down to Brighton so is really not a brilliant time. He's not sure of the arrangements for his additional training yet, but I expect it'll be on a similar arrangement as his basic training.

Summary: I wont be seeing a lot of him.

Another problem I'm going to face is travel; once he's done his training and is based at Bedford it's a 2 & 1/2 hour train journey (which is nothing compared to what other people have to cope with) that's about a £30/40 ticket. I've been doing my student finance and it's just not enough, it barely covers my accommodation costs. I qualify for little if any of the grants but my parents cannot afford to give me any money - they've only been able to help me out with my accommodation deposit because my step-dad's father has recently died. I desperately need to get a job as soon as i move down (easier said than done), but I'm afraid that I'm simply not going to be able to afford to see him, which tears me up.

If we survive this for the 3 years, I'll then have to deal with him going to a warzone for moths on end. I don't even want to think about that yet.
He might even get called up whilst I'm still in uni.

I'm just, worried. We've not even been together long, a couple of months but we've fallen for each other big time. He asked me earlier this week if I fancied moving up to Bedford once I've completed my degree - I didn't think he was being serious, but he was.

I think what I'm asking for from this long, rambling post is advice on how to cope - i desperately want to stay with him, I've never been so in love with anyone before but I just don't know if I can. We're going to try and make this work, but i can't help thinking that the pain of breaking up with him once we go our separate ways in the summer will save the pain of only seeing him intermittently over 3 years, and worrying about him when he goes to fight.

I love him, but I don't know what to do :frown:

P.S. thank you for reading if you managed to get past the appalling organisation, i'm not in the best state of mind.

It's going to hurt but if your really serious you'll just have to keep at it. There's phones/text/e-mails, you just have to make time for each other. This is something you'll just have to get used to if he goes for a tour in Afghanistan, so it might be easier to start it this year and get used to it while he's unlikely to get hurt/out of contact for days at a time. Good luck!