I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. This January I moved to Germany to study (it's only for one term) - boyfriend is still in England (we go to the same uni over there).
We have lived together basically since we met (complicated story) and it's been good/bad (got to know each other quickly, no ************ around, lol). He's seen me at my very worst and vice versa...everything was great at the begining. Really felt like we were soulmates, best friends etc.
However, a few months into our relationship, things got kinda bad. We started fighting A LOT (I know some arguing is healthy, but this wasn't a good amount) and he kept rejected me when I wanted to have sex. Needles to say, this crushed my self esteem...and a negative spiral started. He said it was the weed that made him lazy and he's sorry (I know for a fact he wasn't cheating etc...he just said he couldn't be bothered and whatever). I don't really buy his 'weed' excuse but whatever. This is something I have still not gotten over. Really damaged my esteem. Things were going so well up until this whole rejection thing started. I grew so resentful towards him.
Ok, so fast forward til present day, where we are now in LDR situation. It was tough at first...he made very little effort to stay in touch etc and I dumped him in March because I was so fed up of being taken for granted. He really just was not putting any effort. However, after him desperately trying to get in touch when I cut of all contact, I took him back. He seemed like he really wanted me, so I decided to give it another shot. I am just not sure if it was so wise. I went back to England to visit him a couple of times and when we are together, things are great. Almost like how they were right at the begining. Minus the hot sex. Still not over the rejection thing, I don't feel 'naturally' horny anymore (I used to be a beast, lol)...and I do find him attractive, I just find that I am not up for sex (just 'not in the mood'...never thought I'd be one of 'those girls'!!). I hold onto him because he is a good guy...despite him sometimes getting too 'relaxed'. We had a serious talk about it when I took him back and we both made lists for each other of what we'd like more of/less of from each other. He was making an effort for a weeks (he promised it wouldn't be just for a few weeks, but continued..)...and now it's gone back to normal ways. Barely any communication.
Anyway, I am just so confused. I try to remember all the lovely things he has done for me, because really, he has taught me so much. He has been loving and caring and I suppose he's not as bad as I make him out to be. But sometimes he is. He can be such a gentleman and has shown he cares in his own ways, maybe they just aren't ways I show love myself, so I don't recognise them or appreciate them as much. Admitedly, I had a fear of saying 'I love you' which used to really upset him because he'd always say it to me but I'd have trouble saying it back (I'd be bursting to tell him, but the words couldn't come out of my mouth
)....and that caused some problems, but one thing I admire about him is his patience with my insecurities and he has continued to love me.
Just little things piss me off...like the fact he never stays in touch when we are apart or that he hasn't ever bought be a gift in almost 2 years (no Xmas or Bday gift). I am not materialistic, but I go out of my way to think of thoughtful girls for him. I just feel like we were so much compatible before and I don't know if we are anymore, and it breaks my heart. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a boyfriend. He used to be my best friend and I felt so comfortable, but things don't feel quite 'right' anymore. The sex thing really hurt me (he knows and has apologised), but still...I was so happy and confident sexually before, not anymore. I miss feeling happy and that 'in love' feeling. It's just not the same. I try to make things better, by remembering all the positive things about him but am I fooling myself?? I know a relationship isn't always 'smooth sailing' but these kind of doubts can not be a good sign??! I feel like I have no one to talk to as the one person I'd go to for advice and talk to about anything, would be him. He was heartbroken when I broke up with him in March, I wouldn't even know what to say. Also, it seems like everytime I don't like something, maybe he feels like I am just 'threatening' him..maybe he doesn't take me breaking up with him seriously.
Sorry this is all over the place, but needed to get it out, even if no one responds. I am just so confused. When we are together, things go well (granted, it's just a short visit back to our house in England..when we lived together, things werent so good...mainly the sex issue).......so I am wondering if I just start geting paranoid, anxious and start overthinking things and making things worse for myself just because we are apart?? Is it just the distance causing this, or are we headed for the end??? I don't know.
I love him, but what's causing all of this? I hope it is just distance....