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    • #345
    #345

    Thank you CBC you are very helpful
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    (Original post by chocochuckles)

    We're going to be spending almost 3 months together over this summer, but then I'm going on a gap year that was planned before we even met. I'll be living 300 miles away in quite a remote place with poor access to buses/trains and very poor internet access. For my job I won't be allowed to take any holiday for the first three months as I'll be on a probationary period. I don't want to give up my gap year - it's something that I've always, always wanted to do. But I'm worried that it will all put too much of a strain on our relationship, despite the fact that we're so close and fit so well together. if you have any advice it would be very gratefully recieved
    It sounds like your doing the right thing: don't give up or change your gap year for him. If he's worth it, he'll understand completely.

    Apart from the distance nuisance, it sounds like you have a great relationship going on
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    I'm planning to go to Uni (Warwick) this October, and my BF of a year (will be more like 15months by the time we leave) is going to Manchester. Up until leaving school officially yesterday I'd been OK with the idea of having an LDR, but last night he went to the Leavers' Ball and I didn't (which was fine, my decision not to go, don't regret it) but he didn't say goodbye before he left, and sent me a text when he got back at 2am this morning saying he was going round a friend's house today to play boardgames.
    It's not the fact that he's seeing his friends that annoys me - I'd be a complete idiot if that upset me! but I just wish he'd asked me first. I mean, the last thing he said to me last night was that he'd remembered how to do up his tie, and then the next thing I hear is "great night, boardgaming tomorrow, see you monday?"
    I questioned him about it today and he said he's got all summer to see me - he won't see his friends after they go to Uni. Which is essentially the same stretch of time as he's got to see me, except that I'm working full time from now on (to fund my degree) and I'll have 2 days a week free to see ALL my friends, including him.
    I really want to make it work but I'm struggling to see how we will! We both get upset quite quickly when we can't communicate, and he doesn't seem to udnerstand yet that we can't just pop round each other's Unis every weekend to see each other. I've looked at alternative Unis and courses to see if I could move closer to him to make it easier on us, but I don't want to reject the amazing offer i've got from Warwick on the offchance that I'll be able to do a decent course in Manchester or nearby.
    We both want to keep the relationship working when we're apart, but I'm struggling to imagine how we can make that work, and he just doesn't seem to have even acknowledged the difficulties yet!
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    (Original post by Katie_p)
    I'm planning to go to Uni (Warwick) this October, and my BF of a year (will be more like 15months by the time we leave) is going to Manchester. Up until leaving school officially yesterday I'd been OK with the idea of having an LDR, but last night he went to the Leavers' Ball and I didn't (which was fine, my decision not to go, don't regret it) but he didn't say goodbye before he left, and sent me a text when he got back at 2am this morning saying he was going round a friend's house today to play boardgames.
    It's not the fact that he's seeing his friends that annoys me - I'd be a complete idiot if that upset me! but I just wish he'd asked me first. I mean, the last thing he said to me last night was that he'd remembered how to do up his tie, and then the next thing I hear is "great night, boardgaming tomorrow, see you monday?"
    I questioned him about it today and he said he's got all summer to see me - he won't see his friends after they go to Uni. Which is essentially the same stretch of time as he's got to see me, except that I'm working full time from now on (to fund my degree) and I'll have 2 days a week free to see ALL my friends, including him.
    I really want to make it work but I'm struggling to see how we will! We both get upset quite quickly when we can't communicate, and he doesn't seem to udnerstand yet that we can't just pop round each other's Unis every weekend to see each other. I've looked at alternative Unis and courses to see if I could move closer to him to make it easier on us, but I don't want to reject the amazing offer i've got from Warwick on the offchance that I'll be able to do a decent course in Manchester or nearby.
    We both want to keep the relationship working when we're apart, but I'm struggling to imagine how we can make that work, and he just doesn't seem to have even acknowledged the difficulties yet!
    I cant really talk because my LDR is a little complicated atm but firstly, guys are awful at pushing past difficulties and only focusing on the good moments. I think should should definately go to Warwick, the same problems will exist even if you are nearer him (new friends etc) and it does hurt like hell when he stops replying to texts because they all decided to go watch a film and go to the bar.... You will just have to plan ahead, make sure you meet at least every 2 weeks at that distance (though the first term might be busier) and make sure you have your own friendship base at your own university!

    I know its hard to balance work, friends and a guy but this isnt your last summer you know! you will all come back at christmas and easter etc. I wouldnt put too much pressure on the relationship for now, just because, there will be pressure soon enough as you go through your first term! But, if you really care, and cant imagine finding anyone else, then you have to look forwards to the good times ahead and not focus on the fact they arent with you right now...!
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    No particular meaning to this post, just to let those of you out there who are maybe finding it hard that things always get better, and be it 20miles or 9,000 in my case, if you really love the person nothing will get in the way. My girlfriend and I have done 90 days and there is only 60 left for us. The biggest thing I have had to overcome is just to chill out and let what happens happen, sometimes you will be going out and sometimes the other person will, sometimes you will both be stressed but just make sure you keep communication open and it will always work itself out if it is meant to. I wish everyone out there doing this the best because I know it is not always easy.
    • #346
    #346

    Hello, I'm in need of some advice.

    I've been with my girlfriend on and off for most of two and a half years. We've never broken up because of fighting or issues with each other, we both moved to different countries after school. I'm at uni and she is currently on a gap year. I know that i love her so much and when we're together, I'm happier than anything. But i hate being apart from her, I'm really bad at keeping in touch etc. I dont think I want to be in an LDR next year so I think I?m going to end the relationship when i see her in the summer. I don't want to have to break up with her, but i want to be with her in the same place, and as thats an impossibility, I've been wondering whether to stop the relationship for quite a while now

    Everything has been fine up until a while ago, I got very drunk and ended up sleeping with a girl that is 5 years older than me. If I had been sober, I know that this wouldn't of happened. It was a terrible mistake and I can't help but feeling awful about it. I love my girlfriend more than anything and I know that telling her will devastate her and if I'm going to break up with her, I fear that telling her this will ruin our relationship for ever and cause us to leave on bad terms.

    I still want to have a good relationship with her, She's the first love of my life and she means so much to me, I just made a ridiculous mistake and now, i don't know what to do.

    any kind/helpful advice is greatly appreciated.
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    (Original post by bacforever3)
    I cant really talk because my LDR is a little complicated atm but firstly, guys are awful at pushing past difficulties and only focusing on the good moments. I think should should definately go to Warwick, the same problems will exist even if you are nearer him (new friends etc) and it does hurt like hell when he stops replying to texts because they all decided to go watch a film and go to the bar.... You will just have to plan ahead, make sure you meet at least every 2 weeks at that distance (though the first term might be busier) and make sure you have your own friendship base at your own university!

    I know its hard to balance work, friends and a guy but this isnt your last summer you know! you will all come back at christmas and easter etc. I wouldnt put too much pressure on the relationship for now, just because, there will be pressure soon enough as you go through your first term! But, if you really care, and cant imagine finding anyone else, then you have to look forwards to the good times ahead and not focus on the fact they arent with you right now...!
    Bacforever, thanks for the advice, but there are still some problems with what you've said. I'm working full-time this summer to get enough money to survive at Uni, and I reckon my other vacations will be pretty much the same. I also don't know if I can afford to travel to see him every fortnight, or if the Uni will let me (it seems other people aren't allowed to stay over in my room, from reading the TandCs).
    I'll be able to deal with him doing other things if he lets me know what he's doing first (which we will both be able to talk about anyway and agree to do) but it's the logistics of being able to see him that are worrying me most.
    • #347
    #347

    I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this x
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    Communication

    After a few relationships, including this one lasting 2 years and counting, it's become obvious that communication is important. Telling your partner what you think about a future situation, telling each other where you'll be, giving them your opinion on matters... just generally talking. It all makes the relationship flow, even if what you have to say isn't going to be greeted with a happy reaction (there's no point in hiding your true feelings/opinion from your partner... if they don't like them there's not much you can do).

    But for LDRs, communication is ESSENTIAL. It is important to talk often.
    SKYPE is great, especially for those hardcore international LDRs out there. SKYPE offers phone calls from under 2 pence a minute to landlines... which is AMAZINGLY cheap. An hour of conversation will cost you less than 1 pound 20, if you do the math.
    For those LDRs within Britain, maybe a good idea would be to get a decent contract for your phone. Unlimited texts? Free minutes? They will be an amazing help for your relationship if you use them often.
    Talking often will make things much, much easier, believe me. Meet everyday to Skype online (which is free, by the way), seeing my girlfriend is always much more satisfying than hearing her. Text him/her everyday with a quick update on your day, or something they'll like to read. If you're out all day, find 15 mins to phone her and use up those free mobile minutes.
    Don't let a few days pass without hearing from each other.

    Not only is it essential to talk often, but the things you tell them are also important.
    If you're going out, tell them where, describe the place, tell them who you're going out with, who you're going to meet. When you get back, tell them if you had a good time or not, tell them what happened (even the things that might make them jealous).
    Listen to what your partner has to say, listen to their opinion, ask about their opinion...

    I've found that an LDR not only has to be a relationship to work, it has to be a great friendship aswell.

    Make a little effort to have something special between you. Maybe sending a letter from time to time? Maybe sending flowers or something?
    I've been making 2 to 5 minute videos on youtube where I tell my GF how things are going and that I'm looking forwards to seeing her (you're never going to find them so don't even try ). I've made about 40 of them so far. The idea of making a video, writing a letter or sending flowers is always seems 10 times more of a hassle than it actually is.

    Make sure everything is OK with your partner. Don't let him/her build up a depression for a couple of days without knowing about it: they can end up breaking the relationship into pieces.


    Basically: Talk often, and tell him/her about everything (good or bad). Keep the relationship flowing in spite of the distance. :bigsmile:

    This is just advice: something to make you think. Each relationship and each situation is completely different, and you definitely know your partner more than I do.
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    Hello I've been with my bf for 20months now, he took on my (now) 3yr old. He's going to uni in sept/oct and said he's moving 1 n half hours away. He's going to be there 2days a week going to uni then leister 3days a week (which is bout 2hours away, 3 n half ish from where he moving too). He has a car, which he can barely afford now let alone paying for a flat with his friends too.
    We get along great when he's here and he's a brilliant dad. We split up a few weeks ago because he didn't think we could do a long distance relationship and I managed to get it in his head that it's for 1 school year! We can do this, I know we can but how can I make him see this. He's v stubborn and doesn't think of any other opitions.
    I don't even see why he's moving? Surly petrol is cheaper then a flat? I'm not sure cuz I don't drive.
    He said long distance relationships don't work. I said they do if you try at it and it's an hour n half away not 100miles like some people!
    Now I'm starting to have doubts because I've fallen out with many of friends lately and feeling quite lonely, All I think is he's leaving me too so him going house hunting today isn't helping. Anyone out there with some friendly advice??
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    Just a question for all you LDRers: has anyone had to deal with time difference in the case of an international LDR? I will be 9 hours ahead of my boyfriend for 10 months next year, as I will be studying in Japan. He has a full-time job and works from 7-8 in the morning until 4-5 in the evening. How is the best way to get around this?
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    (Original post by JessKA)
    Hello I've been with my bf for 20months now, he took on my (now) 3yr old. He's going to uni in sept/oct and said he's moving 1 n half hours away. He's going to be there 2days a week going to uni then leister 3days a week (which is bout 2hours away, 3 n half ish from where he moving too). He has a car, which he can barely afford now let alone paying for a flat with his friends too.
    We get along great when he's here and he's a brilliant dad. We split up a few weeks ago because he didn't think we could do a long distance relationship and I managed to get it in his head that it's for 1 school year! We can do this, I know we can but how can I make him see this. He's v stubborn and doesn't think of any other opitions.
    I don't even see why he's moving? Surly petrol is cheaper then a flat? I'm not sure cuz I don't drive.
    He said long distance relationships don't work. I said they do if you try at it and it's an hour n half away not 100miles like some people!
    Now I'm starting to have doubts because I've fallen out with many of friends lately and feeling quite lonely, All I think is he's leaving me too so him going house hunting today isn't helping. Anyone out there with some friendly advice??
    Hey there. I am currently in a relationship with someone who isn't at university, and we live about 2 hours apart. We manage to see each other every weekend. Usually I pay to travel, and he pays for everything else for the weekend, so it works out fairly. It costs me about £20 a week, which does cut down my living expenses by a lot, but it's worth it. The travelling and not seeing each other every day can be a pain in the arse, but your boyfriend saying it can't be done is just silly. A week or two isn't a long time to go without seeing someone, and if you split the costs evenly, it's not that hard to pay for travel especially when you are just an hour and a half away from each other. All the best!
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    (Original post by kat91s)
    Just a question for all you LDRers: has anyone had to deal with time difference in the case of an international LDR? I will be 9 hours ahead of my boyfriend for 10 months next year, as I will be studying in Japan. He has a full-time job and works from 7-8 in the morning until 4-5 in the evening. How is the best way to get around this?
    Yeah, use skype and liberia SIM card.

    SMSing, when not on skype etc is your friend.

    However I warn you that an LDR can put a lot of strain on your r/ship, mainly because of the lack of proximity between you two. Also it is A LOT of work! You are basically reliant on each other to keep in touch.
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    Now, I do believe I may well be in a LDR, it was never classed as a relationship before he got deployed last month, although we're very much so still in contact, nearly everyday just now.. and we've talked about stuff for when he gets back.. 6 months is a long time to find out whether I'm in a relationship or not lol..
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    Hello,

    About 4 months ago, I met a girl, and I realized that she's THE girl.

    And in case you're already ridiculing the previous line, this isn't one of those stupid "yay love sounds like a fun thing so i'm going to try it out!" relationships. Neither of us is stupid - I'd like to think that we're both quite intelligent people actually. On the whole, I'd say that reason has been a guiding force in both of our lives.

    The problem is, we're 19. And I've already secured a place at UCL for medicine (I'm starting fall 2011) , and I always believed medicine was something truly worth pursuing. She's studying at University of Toronto, and she's not from the kind of family that can send a daughter abroad for love or anything like that - the family does not have the financial capacity to do so.

    If anyone had asked me 5 months ago whether I would trust my head or my heart, I wouldn't have hesitated to reply, most confidently, 'my head'. Things have always been pretty clear-cut for me, but thats no longer the case. Now, I find myself very confused from time to time.

    We've already had many discussions, and decided we didn't want to split up. I thought a LDR wouldn't be much of a problem for me, but she's been away for a week on a French immersion program, and we're both already in so much pain.
    We, or at least I, don't know what to do. I'm considering just staying in Canada to pursue philosophy and classical studies, and I was so sure about it, but now that my mother knows of the whole situation and is calling me pathetic and sad, I am most definitely lost.

    We're in love, but we don't know what to do.
    Please help us.
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    Could do with a bit of help guys new on here!

    Me and my guy have been in an LDR since October last year (been together for a year and before that), and while it is hard, things are better than ever at the moment. I was really looking forward to the summer to be able to spend some quality time with him since we both have 3 months off. However, this looks like a far-fetched idea now, and it's really getting me down.

    He's jetting off around the world a fair bit - going on a good few holidays, with well, everyone but me, for a good 2 months worth of the holiday. In the time that he'll be at home, he'll be working to afford it all - which means all his days will be taken up with that. By the looks of things, I'm only going to be able to spend minimal with him. Considering we're already not seeing each other a lot I'm worried about it (because of exams I haven't seen him in ages).

    I know you may say "do stuff with your friends, plan a holiday with them" - but none of them are motivated to do it and go away. Everyone just wants to stay at home over the summer or are already doing things, and numerous holidays I've tried to organise have fell through/blown off for other ones. I just know that if he's away so much, I'm just going to be wishing my life away for him to get back - and then by that time, we'll be back at university anyway. We were going to go away ourselves (me and the boyf), but he blew off our holiday for a lads one instead (which he knows I'm very angry about still, but it is a chance of a lifetime for him - if he can afford it).

    I just don't know what to do. I love him very much, but I genuinely thought we'd have a break from all this LDR stuff over summer, but it looks like it's just going to be more.
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    (Original post by CoInspired)
    Hello,

    About 4 months ago, I met a girl, and I realized that she's THE girl.

    And in case you're already ridiculing the previous line, this isn't one of those stupid "yay love sounds like a fun thing so i'm going to try it out!" relationships. Neither of us is stupid - I'd like to think that we're both quite intelligent people actually. On the whole, I'd say that reason has been a guiding force in both of our lives.

    The problem is, we're 19. And I've already secured a place at UCL for medicine (I'm starting fall 2011) , and I always believed medicine was something truly worth pursuing. She's studying at University of Toronto, and she's not from the kind of family that can send a daughter abroad for love or anything like that - the family does not have the financial capacity to do so.

    If anyone had asked me 5 months ago whether I would trust my head or my heart, I wouldn't have hesitated to reply, most confidently, 'my head'. Things have always been pretty clear-cut for me, but thats no longer the case. Now, I find myself very confused from time to time.

    We've already had many discussions, and decided we didn't want to split up. I thought a LDR wouldn't be much of a problem for me, but she's been away for a week on a French immersion program, and we're both already in so much pain.
    We, or at least I, don't know what to do. I'm considering just staying in Canada to pursue philosophy and classical studies, and I was so sure about it, but now that my mother knows of the whole situation and is calling me pathetic and sad, I am most definitely lost.

    We're in love, but we don't know what to do.
    Please help us.

    LDRs are harder at the beginning than later on... because you're both so eager to see each other. I understand it's hard.

    To be completely honest with you, it sounds like Canada is a bit too far away for this to work well. I'm sorry.

    This is a rare occasion where I divert from my normal advice, which would have been to keep your planned career unchanged.

    But it sounds like you can try to get a degree in Canada.

    Think it through first:
    Will your parents support your decision? (you may have to say that you'd love to live in Canada... don't mention it's because of this girl)
    Will you be able to afford it? You'll have to look into the cost of Uni in Canada (or just ask your girlfriend).

    But nothing bad can come from it.
    You'll study a good degree in an awesome country, be with your girlfriend, and be happy. If things don't work out with your girl you'll still be studying a degree in an awesome country (full of other girls...).

    I say: F*** it. Move to Canada while you still have time.

    F*** knows what I would've done if I had time to decide before Uni... but that's life.
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    ^ OP is Canadian also...
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    I just stumbled across this topic so I thought I'd share my excitement

    In September, my boyfriend and I will have been in a LDR for just shy of 2 years. He lives in northern England and I live in California... so it has been incredibly challenging. But in September I'll be transferring to a university in the UK!! So although we'll still be in a LDR (him in northern England, me in southern), we'll both be in the same country, which is a huge plus for us when we we're currently oceans apart!
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    (Original post by tripsis)
    I just stumbled across this topic so I thought I'd share my excitement

    In September, my boyfriend and I will have been in a LDR for just shy of 2 years. He lives in northern England and I live in California... so it has been incredibly challenging. But in September I'll be transferring to a university in the UK!! So although we'll still be in a LDR (him in northern England, me in southern), we'll both be in the same country, which is a huge plus for us when we we're currently oceans apart!

    Tripsis, could you lend me some advice on what you think is crucial to maintaining a healthy LDR? I'm not sure if you've read my post (just a couple above yours), and if you don't I wouldn't blame you (it's pretty darn long), but if you could spare a few minutes I would really appreciate it. I love my girlfriend, and although the future is uncertain, I'm very much determined to invest my share of the work to make our LDR work. If you could help in any way, I'd be most grateful.
 
 
 
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