The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

Hi Guys,

First of all, sorry! This is a really long post! ...

Hi Guys,

First of all, sorry! This is a really long post! This is a really hard post for me to make, and I know that there will be a lot of you who will completely hate me when reading this, but trust me, no-one could hurt me more than I have hurt myself, no amount of abuse can ever compete with how much I am beating myself up right now. I'm completely devastated; I'm certainly not looking for sympathy and don't want any. But I am looking for advice, and I'm hoping that someone on here might have something constructive to offer. I'm sorry to introduce negativity to such a wonderful thread, but I am desperately unhappy and confused and feel like I just need to talk about this with people who don't know me or the other people involved. So here goes.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years, 2 years of which has been long distance. We've had some really happy times together and a lot of the time we are very contented with each other's company. I have always felt so devoted to him, have been sure that he is the one I will spend the rest of my life with, and have sacrificed a lot to be with him, and have happily done so, because I love him and would do anything to make him happy; everything I'm worrying about gets dropped out of my head the second he calls me sounding upset/stressed and I go to see him as soon as is physically possible when that's the case.

The last few months have been an education though; whilst I know that he does love me, I've learnt that he doesn't quite feel the same about me, and I won't list all the things that have gone on here as this post isn't about anything he's done, and I don't want to make it look like I'm detracting from my own wrong doing. So just to say what is necessary, there have been problems since about February, I have felt very confused and a lot of times have been miserable. Things worsened in May however, when I had a small breakdown during exam period and he couldn't find the mental space to be supportive, was very critical about me and said some incredibly hurtful things which I haven't been able to forgive him for. I still absolutely adore him, but things haven't been the same since then. Meanwhile, I have a male best friend who was incredibly supportive at that time, and I couldn't have got through without my wonderful family and my best friends, he being a noteable one of those. & this is where it gets messy. You can probably guess what's coming.

The best friend in question is a friend from home, so after exams I moved back home as soon as possible as I had become so run down and needed to be with my family. That was at the end of May, so I've been home for 3 months now. This friend lives with 3 other of my friends, one of which is one of my very best friends, so I spend a lot of time at the house and going out with them. As problems have reared their head in my relationship, I have turned to my friends for advice and support, and these friends now strongly dislike my boyfriend after the things that I have told them, even though there are a lot of very good points about him, but then I guess I don't talk about those so much with my friends as I don't need advice about them!

One of the issues that has become a problem with my boyfriend is that he doesn't like kissing, as in, proper kissing (hate the word snogging!). He did it for the first couple of months that we were together, but after about 2 months, and I guess when he had grown comfortable enough with me to say, he told me that he doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it anymore. He gives me little pecks on the lip, and very very occassionally, we will "snog" for a few seconds, but he squirms away, so it's not particularly enjoyable and can feel quite disheartening at times. For a long time I haven't minded, I've always thought it's a shame, but have never considered it to be a relationship breaker. But as time has gone on, and other little things have cropped up, I have found myself pondering its importance, as it seems to me like the most important indicator of passion in a relationship, and without it, and with other things etc being said, I have found myself questioning whether he "fancies" me, as silly as that may sound. Recently, a lot of people, including my family, have said that they're not sure that he is sure of his sexuality, suggesting that he may be gay/bi, and that too has been running through my head. I have been pretty damn confused these last few months. To reiterate, I really don't want to come across as pitching for sympathy, that is the last thing I want, I just figured it's important I explain what's been going on.

Anyway, so again, this best friend knew about the above issue and would always comment about it. & four weeks ago when we said goodnight at the end of a night out, we ended up kissing for a couple of seconds. It was literally only a couple of seconds, and he just said that "there was nothing wrong with me" (I have previously said I was worried that it was because he doesn't like snogging me, because I'm really bad at it, an issue that I have brought up with my boyfriend several times and he has consistently denied it), then we both went off and that was it. I figured it was just a little drunken weird blip, and since it was only for a couple of seconds and not even a proper kiss, I didn't think it was significant and thought nothing else of it.

But then on Saturday night, we both got incredibly drunk and somehow ended up having sex. Admittedly I have always thought he was attractive, but it's never been enough to compete with the love and attraction I have for my boyfriend. I don't want to use the drink as an excuse, I knew what I was doing, but it was all a weird haze, and the thing is I didn't even want to do it, so I don't know why I did, I think I got caught up in the feeling of someone fancying me like that after not feeling sure about it for so long or something, but the second it started I wanted out, and I wish I'd have had the courage to say. I realise that all of that sounds ridiculous, I wouldn't believe me if I was reading this, but it feels kind of surreal. I'm not naturally a slut, my boyfriend was the first person I've ever slept with, and so my best friend is now the second, and like I say, I didn't even want the sex so I don't know what it was about.

I am utterly confused and completely devastated by the whole situation, and have no idea what to do. I just keep getting upset and crying and the guilt is eating me whole. I still adore my boyfriend, he means the world to me, and I do still want to be with him. I have told my Mum, sister, and best friends about what happened (you may think my Mum is an odd choice, but she's one of my best friends too and I ended up just bursting into tears and telling her when we were talking about something else!), and the response has been mixed. Everyone has said that I shouldn't tell my boyfriend as he would be heartbroken, and this is not something I would ever plan on doing again, single or not single, but my friends have said that I do need to break up with him as I cannot continue the relationship with a big secret hanging over it. & that's how I feel, but I desperately want to be with him, but I feel like that is selfish on my part. My Mum on the other hand has said that I don't need to tell him as it would only hurt him, but that doesn't mean I need to break up with him; if I truly believe I still love him and want to be with him, which I do, I shouldn't throw it away over one drunken mistake that has followed a series of confusing events. But I can't help but feel like that is wrong. I think the thing with my friends and family is they all know everything that's gone on with my boyfriend with the last couple of months and that influences their opinion, and I feel like I just want an external point of view. My boyfriend, as far as I know, has never cheated on me, so despite all of the things that he has done to upset me, my one thing is definitely by far worse than any of his. So there's not one person who's said they think I should tell him, in fact my Mum said that under no circumstance am I to tell him about it, but I feel like I should. We have spoken on the phone, but I haven't seen him since, and won't be doing so for another week/two yet, and this isn't something I'd break to him on the phone anyway. My initial thinking was to tell him to his face as soon as I see him and let him decide what to make of it and do about it. But now time's dragging I think he'd hate me more for not telling him straight away, but it just feels wrong to do this over the phone. Others have said that telling him would be disastrous, as even if he forgives me he will always use it against me, and what's more, would stop me hanging out with that group of friends again, and they are my best friends and it would be heartbreaking to lose contact with them.

I know you are probably all disgusted with me if you are reading this, but please help, I would love some genuine advice, and am not afraid to accept the criticism I deserve (although I don't think there's any point in a response if it's just destructive abuse). I will forever be in remorse about that night and what I did, and can't ever see me forgiving myself.

You really poured your heart out there. All I can say is... yes that was a mistake. You did a bad thing and you accept that. No need to labour that point. But I (this is me talking) think you should tell him. Mistakes are mistakes. Secrets are worse. I'm not saying it won't risk your relationship to say, but it's better for you to say it. That sort of secret can destroy you, it's not a good trait to have. If you're honest there's nothing more you can do. If you tell him, there is a strong likelihood that he will forgive you.

Don't get confused that this is about monogamy. This is about trust. You breached trust. Monogamy is societal; trust is human. You fix trust by using trust. Trust him that he will trust you. Don't make this any worse. The consequences will be as they're meant to be.

Yes he'll be upset. He loves you, he'll be upset. But I have no reason to doubt that he'll understand. You're obviously regretting it. Make no excuses and... well. Just don't blame him if he can't cope. Love's painful. He might be able to trust you again, he might not. I don't know him. But this is my advice to anyone for anything important or even not important: fess up when you make a mistake.

That's just my opinion. Honesty hurts but secrets are worse.

I think, as your friends do, you should end your relationship with him. Do not live a lie, continue with him and harbour this secret.If you are wanting to have sex with other men, then there is clearly something terribly wrong with your relationship.
If you truly love someone, you cannot seriously fathom wanting intercourse with another person. Save yourself the heartache and end it. Sex is not a mistake, it is a deliberate action. I'm sure if you're honest with yourself, your relationship isn't going anywhere.

Thank you so much for your advice, it means a lot to me and I will take it into account. I feel a lot like you do; I have invested so much into this relationship with my boyfriend that it feels utterly criminal to keep anything from him. I keep thinking of his heartbroken little face when I tell him, and it is tearing me apart. But I feel like I owe it to him to always be honest with him, he deserves that, but then he doesn't deserve all the pain that will come with it. I feel devastated thinking about it. Alot of people won't understand, I would never have done before now, I was always so strongly against cheating and "knew" I would never do something so evil and indulgent. At the moment I am trying to make sense of it and work out why it happened and what it means. It all just feels so muddled.

My only concern about telling him is the fact that I've not told him straight away; I had reason for this, I didn't want to tell him over the phone as something didn't seem right about it, but a week will have passed come tomorrow night, and the earliest I am going to get to see him will be Tuesday, and if not then then it won't be for another two weeks - do you think it will do more damage to leave it for that long? If it turns out that I can't see him on Tuesday, do you think I should tell him over the phone, or wait it out and tell him to his face?

If she wants to be let go let her go. Simple as that, my dear.

Tell her that. To be honest, if she's that worried about cheating, there's something behind that. Confidence, that sort of thing. Talk it out. To be honest 'I'm worried I'll cheat' sounds like an excuse or some kind of attention-grabbing tactic. It just sounds weird to me. Relationships are built on discussion.

To be honest, if she had casual sex. What does that mean to you? If she were still only romantically atatched to you. Since you wouldn't be there, could you accept that? I'm not saying that's what you SHOULd do, but that an open relationship when it comes to sex might be the answer. Might.

Nah don't worry about how she comes across. Just seems like a confused lass.

People don't make sense. Especially not to me. Since it hasn't been much time, maybe just wait and see how it goes. Stress makes people stupid and/or confusing. Moving, being apart... all sorts can make you question. Might be best to wait for answers.

If you're seriously worried about her being out all the time and you can't talk to her, maybe she should know. She might not realise you need her. I dunno, it depends f your relationship's built on contact or trust. Some people reject request for contact, some people consider it to be a way of showing love. You'll know what your lady's like, but I'm just... giving ideas, some might just be useful to you, maybe.

I miss my boyfriend more than I ever thought I would, and its only been a week! I wont see him again for almost 4 months.

Sometimes I actually feel kind of sick because I miss him so much.

Does it get easier?

I miss my boyfriend more than I ever thought I would, and its only been a week! I wont see him again for almost 4 months.

Sometimes I actually feel kind of sick because I miss him so much.

Does it get easier?