The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

Me and my boyfriend have been doing long distance for nearly a month now, and so far I have seen him once, but I will have seen him again before the month is out. The strange thing is, I'm not actually finding it that difficult. I'm not missing him as much as I thought I would. And if I'm completely honest, I'm not looking forward to seeing him as much as I thought I would either. Is this a bad sign? At first I thought it wass just good, because it meant that I was getting used to long distance, but now I'm not so sure :/ I realised that if we were to break up, the only thing that would change is the 45 minutes that we speak usually. I spend the rest of the day trying not to think about him, because I'm scared I'll just miss him, rather than focussing on my own life.

Yeah, it is a bad sign, really...I will ask you something, reply honestly:

Do you look forward to seeing him/talking to him at the end of the day?
Yeahh, I think I do - just not as much as I used to. It isn't the central most important part of my day anymore, but I do stilll want to talk to him.
Do you look forward to sharing your daily happenings with him and to hear his?
Not really actually. At the moment I'm not doing anything really (waiting to start work) so I don't feel like I have anything to tell him, and while I want to know what he's been doing, I know what it is before he says it - going to lectures, working and maybe spending some time with friends. It doesn't help that he's doing a course that I failed to get into last year. Everytime he complains that he's got too much work, or its too difficult, I find myself wishing he could understand what I would give to have the work that he's got. So no, in some ways I don't want to know what he's been doing.
Have you ever missed him?
Yes, I do miss him - but whether its him I miss, or how close we are when we are together, I don't know. I miss the physical part - mostly just getting a hug whenever I want one! But yes, the first few weeks I didn't do a lot but miss him, its just a different kind of missing him now.
Have you developed an interest in other guys since?
Honestly, no I haven't. Nobody in particular, but I do find myself wondering what I'm missing out on - I'm at the start of a very long time of long distance, and I'm thinking of all the silly uni flings that I might never experience, or the embarassing times when I kiss someone I shouldn't. I haven't got an interest now, but I'm thinking about what MIGHT happen in the future - all the people I might meet and whether I'll be tempted to cheat, just because I@m lonely and need some physical contact :/

Some people are so worried to miss out on their own life, that they forget that there's another person over there, waiting for them, probably missing out on their life, in order to wait for them. it's not fair.

My two cents' worth is to find out *immediately* what you feel for him. If you can't figure it out, talk to him, explain how you feel, ask him maybe to cut all contacts for a couple of days and see how it goes those two days that you don't hear from him.

Be also prepared to the fact that, once you ask that, you'll probably give him a shock, if he doesn't expect it...so do it vey carefully. Best of luck.

Thanks so much, what a long helpful reply!! It is hard having to wait that long, and then knowing I will see him for two weeks and then there will be another two months and then another couple of months.

It is not being able to physically be with him that is the hardest. We are managing to email a couple of times a day, and skype in the evening usually for about half an hour. He has very convenient shift patterns for the time difference right now, but is starting a new job with 8-5 hours soon so it will become more difficult again.

I think I will start to feel a little better once all the pressure of getting a bank account/registering my courses/making friends etc. is off, and I'm in a routine again.

I think it's actually quite fun sending each other pictures and emails, and I sent a postcard that arrived today and he loved it. So I think I will find a way to get through this without being too unhappy.

I'm awfully new to this but I guess this is the place to ask advice; I have recently entered into a long distance relationship with a guy I've been best friends with for quite a while. I always had romantic feelings for him, but for 8 months (we became friends at about month 6) I was with another, much older guy, who I realise now, used me for all I'm worth, and left me in pieces this June, and there were all my friends too hold me together, help me make the right choices, and get my life on track; which it hadn't been for months and months. I would say he saw me at my very very worst and he helped me back to the person I'm supposed to be, and still thought i was a saint. Until August we remained just friends, then as august began we grew closer and closer, and eventually how we both really felt came out. I've seen him twice since then since he lives 4-5 hours away, and despite it not being all that far, neither of us have the money to vist until christmas. My days revolve around talking to him, things have gotten much harder since his last visit, as he got on his train, I got this sinking feeling in my stomach, now I've never been homesick before, but now, everything is out of place, nothing feels right, i ache to be back with him,and i don't sleep properly anymore, I just don't know what to do with myself. I sit, every night crying knowing when i wake up I won't be home, everything isn't quite as wonderful without him. BUt, don't get me wrong, I've never been this happy or myself in all my life, i just want some general advice on coping without him. We already talk through every vayin form, Skype, phonecalls, texts, chat, even letters, and i get little gifts in the post, and its not like we ever run out of things to talk about, its just how to deal with missing him, i dont know where to begin in dealing with the emptiness that has a habit of creeping up to me as i lie awake in an empty bed.. any tips from you LDR long timers?

Hi people, I'm in a crappy situation..

Basically i've been in my current relationship for 1 1/2 years and had a fantastic healthy and loving relationship.

However, the Uni LDR is driving a wedge between us now, and even though it's only been a couple of weeks she's claiming that she doesn't think it'll work out because she's missing me too much :-/

Previously we saw each other daily, and the longest separation was when I went abroad for a month. I don't understand how she doesn't feel that she can stay with me when I only come home at weekends/fortnightly.
It's not even like i live that far from home, 50 mins on a direct train plus a 20 min bus ride from end to end.

Help please, I really don't want to lose her and I'm running out of ideas

That would seem like such a shame to me, because I was 2 hours away on the train from my boyfriend while at uni last year, and this year I am 6000 miles away and we are still making it work. I miss him to pieces and it's hard, but it makes me want to be with him even more.

It sounds like this is really hard for her, and maybe she isn't ready for something like that. You didn't say if she was the one who went to uni or both of you? But she probably has a lot on her plate already with getting settled in and making friends etc. Why don't you see if you can give it some time until there's a routine established and take it from there.

I've gone to uni, she's stayed at home for college- so I guess she feels like I've abandoned her in a way because I'm out here having all of these new experiences and she's stuck at home..

Is there any way(s) I can remind her how much I love her and make her think about the next time we see each other, rather than how much she misses me?

Send her a sweet card, just something that reminds her of you. Make sure you've got a date set for when you'll next see each other rather than a "whenever" kind of time

I've gone to uni, she's stayed at home for college- so I guess she feels like I've abandoned her in a way because I'm out here having all of these new experiences and she's stuck at home..

Is there any way(s) I can remind her how much I love her and make her think about the next time we see each other, rather than how much she misses me?

Quite a few people have followed my posts here on the LDR thread, and soon I'll get around to putting them together, editing them, and posting a mega-post made of all the advice I can offer about my LDR.
We hit the 2 and a half benchmark the other day. But all is not well.
We've had an amazing relationship: trust, honesty, plans, getting along (better than with anyone, ever), and happyness.

But I can't keep it up.

There are a few things I need to do, and I'm finding myself restricted by her.
She's not a particularly restricting girl, at all... but relationships are all restricting to a certain degree.
I find myself without the time, money (or will, anymore) to keep this relationship going.
My girlfriend's solution to this is to try to live together. But I find this similar (though less extreme) as a middle-aged couple having daily fights, and deciding to have children in order to sort their problems out.

I've just spent a lot of money on getting her over to see me; we'll spend the weekend together, and we'll break up.

I can't really know if this is due to distance, of if this would've still happened if we lived close-by. Who knows? Maybe it would have been worse.

My final piece of advice is something that most people say. Something that is said so often, that you're probably reluctant to believe it.



Most of you are young. You don't want to be stuck in a relationship for the rest of your life, no matter how happy it makes you now. Things will change, no doubt, and there's a strong chance that these changes bring you to breaking up.
Don't give up on friends; find as much time for them as you would've if you didn't have a girlfriend.
Make sure your future doesn't depend on them. Just spend half an hour thinking a worste case scenario: what if, half way through this perfect plan of yours, you two end up breaking up. Where will this leave you? Where will this leave your GF/BF? Stranded, jobless and friends-less? Or OK?

This is my honest advice to you. It may bring in some neg rep: there are a lot of people here who are extremely happy with their relationships, and think that my post is being a bit too negative. I'm glad that these people are happy, but I beg them to have a good read of what I've just posted. You can then choose to ignore it or to follow it to the extent that you wish.

Bye bye LDR thread, you've helped me a lot throughout this relationship.
I'll see you in the bar.

I think my relationship is ending and I really don't know what to do.

We've been together at least 2 1/2 years and we started university last year, and it was rocky for a number of reasons but we did get through it. We've known for the past couple of months that things haven't been great, but at the moment it's just all too real and I think we have an expiry date. We're supposed to be talking it through on skype on sunday, as he's visiting a friend this weekend and needs his space.

I'm so scared to lose him though. Whilst we both have our faults in the relationship, he's been there for me through the most horrible experiences of my life and he couldn't have been more amazing in that time. I don't want to lose someone who makes me feel so safe - just remembering how he supported me when I was going through an awful time makes me think that there's so much more to what we have than how we've been acting towards each other, and I want to fix this, but I don't know how we can.

Communication is a big part of it, and we've never talked as much as we should. I voice my feelings may be a little too much and he rarely talks about them, if at all. LDRs are based on communication 90% of the time, and considering this isn't happening, it's lead to trust issues and insecurity on my side and frustration on his, and our relationship isn't what it used to be.

I don't know whether I should suggest one last try, or whether to let things take it's course. I don't know what's going to make us happier in the long run, but I know I can't have him disappear from me life when he's been there and helped me through so much. Whatever happens, I'll still love him to pieces.

Advice, please?

I don't know what to do me and my boyfriend have just had the biggest arguement over the phone, it all started cause he was being so off with me, its like we don't see each other so surely he'd just wanna have a nice conversation on the phone but he was just being so horrible, not saying anything, I kept trying to make conversation and all I'd get was one word answers untill suddently it just blew up into a massive argument. I kept asking what was wrong but he said nothing when I could clearly tell there was. He got so stressed and eventually ended up saying he was going to hang up and he wanted space. I'm just in floods of tears. I hate this. It's still a week untill we see each other. I don't know what to do, I know I have to give him space but I can't help feel he's getting fed up of being in a LDR. :'(

EDIT: Last night he went out clubbing, he rang me when he got in at like 3. He was crying and told me it was cause he missed me so much. He said he'd started crying in the night club cause he hated seeing all the couples together and it reminded him of us. He's just giving me so many mixed messages, I don't know what to do