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OK I think we need to calm down now about the distance argument :yep: This is for advice/support about long distance relationships, so I think we should just stick to doing that rather than getting into arguments. (Not saying this as a mod, I just think as a fellow member we should embrace the true point of this thread rather than getting into arguments, tempting though it may be in this situation :smile: )

Original post by Anonymous
Been 4 weeks so far, looking like another 4 till i'll see him. Really missing him atm especially because its my birthday next week and I can't see him :frown:


Aww, that really sucks :hugs: I feel for you.
Original post by kitkat8
Hi all,

My first post in here! I'm hopefully going to vet school this year (reapplicant so fingers crossed!!) and if so will be in a LDR with my boyfriend. We ended up have a lengthy and tearful discussion about it the other night which hasn't left either of us feeling positive. I'm just looking for a fresh perspective and maybe some things I can say to help him (both of us) feel happier about it?

He knows becoming a vet is ultimately more important to me than him, which I can't apologise for or say isn't true but I don't want him to feel down about it. He's worried because the course is 5 years, I'll be busy and he's at uni in our hometown too so visiting will be difficult.

I've said that we can't know what it's like until it happens so to some extent talking about it won't resolve anything but also we can't not talk about it, I just don't want him to give up until we've tried.

Another kettle of fish is that he's always wanted to have kids in his early twenties, which obviously won't happen with me if I go to vet school as even after the 5 years I will need to find a job and there is a lot more to learn, but I've said he'll have to decide if he can wait for me or not. There's not a lot more I can say?

Sorry for the ramble, any advice much appreciated x

I think what you've done is the right thing - poured out how you feel about this, what you want out of this, but ultimately going for what you want out of life. I have a friend who is happily married, but has felt like she gave up many things that she wanted in order for him to have what he wants ... and sometimes, it comes up in arguments. That can turn into resentment, and I don't want that for her nor you.

You've told him how you feel and what you want, and you are right, it is up to him to decide if he wants to stay with you or not. He shouldn't give up before even trying, like most people I know have told me that they would never LDR. How do you know if you don't try?

If you get London (1hr ish you said?), I'd say it's doable. I was an hour's drive away from my man while I was at uni and him at work, and because of business, we only saw each other at the very least every other week ... but we always had to plan because sometimes he had stuff, sometimes I had stuff going on on weekends.

Liverpool might be a bit of a stretch, but I think Sazzy does that commute every weekend? You could ask her about that.
Original post by kitkat8
Hi all,

My first post in here! I'm hopefully going to vet school this year (reapplicant so fingers crossed!!) and if so will be in a LDR with my boyfriend. We ended up have a lengthy and tearful discussion about it the other night which hasn't left either of us feeling positive. I'm just looking for a fresh perspective and maybe some things I can say to help him (both of us) feel happier about it?

He knows becoming a vet is ultimately more important to me than him, which I can't apologise for or say isn't true but I don't want him to feel down about it. He's worried because the course is 5 years, I'll be busy and he's at uni in our hometown too so visiting will be difficult.

I've said that we can't know what it's like until it happens so to some extent talking about it won't resolve anything but also we can't not talk about it, I just don't want him to give up until we've tried.

Another kettle of fish is that he's always wanted to have kids in his early twenties, which obviously won't happen with me if I go to vet school as even after the 5 years I will need to find a job and there is a lot more to learn, but I've said he'll have to decide if he can wait for me or not. There's not a lot more I can say?

Sorry for the ramble, any advice much appreciated x


Hey :smile: First of all, I can understand why you're both getting a bit upset and feeling a bit doomed, but it's perfectly doable! It will be hard at first as you're used to seeing each other more regularly, but you'll get into a routine of not seeing each other so much and planning to spend time with each other. You will miss each other and it won't be easy BUT if you love each other and want to make it work you will! :biggrin: As strawberry says, me and my boyfriend visit each other as often as possible (we live three hours away, he's in East Sussex, I'm in Hampshire)... every weekend lately but sometimes it's every other weekend. We take it in turns to visit where possible/work around each others schedules. If we're missing each other we'll skype with webcam/mic or just have a long chat online. It's just about making time for each other around studies (you will be busy but a couple of hours a day is doable for chatting online and you could try to make some weekends free here and there :smile: If anything it'd encourage you to work harder so that when you get it done you have time to spend together).
Reply 7463
Thank you both, I think it is magnified by the fact I've been, to some extent, doing nothing most of the year (unintentional gap year) so I've been available to see him every day and we sleep round each other's houses pretty much every night.

I've tried to suggest positives for him that he'll have moved into a house with his friends, he'll be busy socialising with them in the evenings and there'll always be someone about he can talk to face to face (as he also said he was worried about being lonely).
Just to jump in, I am a medic so maybe similar timetable to a vet (assuming, sorry!) and my lovely other half is 2.5-3hrs away on a train.

We aim for 3/4 weekends a month sort of thing which works quite well. Sometimes it's every other weekend which is ok and we never leave it 3 weeks if we can help it - only happened once or twice in 18months together. But you can do it. The downside is my weekends are "booked" until mid-may now so being spontaneous is harder with uni friends and you miss out on occasions sometimes.

For me the planning in is essential though as you always have something to look forward to and if one month doesn't look so good then maybe the next month will have more weekends together and stuff. But this thread is always here too! :smile:
i am concidering goint o college and uni next year ! i went when i was 16 and decided i wasnt ready to leave perminantly so i came back home after the first year. But know im ready!
the only thing is that i have been with my BF for 5 years!! I love him so much but if i went to uni i would have to move away (as i live on an island in scotland) But the things i want to do at uni, i cant do on the island so would have to move away for quite a while. I have come back here for 4 years now, do you think it is selfish for me to want him to come away with me for 4 years till i finish uni ? Then we could decide our next move? Oh and we have lived together for 1 n a half years if that makes a difference, and i ma 20 and he is 21
We will make a long distance work as we have done it before. Am i being realy selfish for wanting him to come with me ?
he works as an electricion. But he doesnt earn as much as he could, he would earn more if we moved away.
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by silverbolt
check my post above, i did offer some advice. We dont know him to give the answer of whether hes stringing you along





Sorry, maybe I'm being dense, but I can't find your post? Would you mind reposting?
Reply 7467
Original post by lucysmith1991
i am concidering goint o college and uni next year ! i went when i was 16 and decided i wasnt ready to leave perminantly so i came back home after the first year. But know im ready!
the only thing is that i have been with my BF for 5 years!! I love him so much but if i went to uni i would have to move away (as i live on an island in scotland) But the things i want to do at uni, i cant do on the island so would have to move away for quite a while. I have come back here for 4 years now, do you think it is selfish for me to want him to come away with me for 4 years till i finish uni ? Then we could decide our next move? Oh and we have lived together for 1 n a half years if that makes a difference, and i ma 20 and he is 21
We will make a long distance work as we have done it before. Am i being realy selfish for wanting him to come with me ?
he works as an electricion. But he doesnt earn as much as he could, he would earn more if we moved away.


I'm guessing that if you want any kind of further education, you'll have to leave the island, right? You shouldn't automatically assume that your boyfriend will want to come, too, though - he might be happy in his job? But if you go somewhere in mainland Scotland for college/uni, the distance won't be that bad and will definitely be workable. You get decent holidays (especially at uni - there's only thirty teaching weeks in the year, and a lot of those aren't even officially taught in because of exams, and stuff) so you'd be able to see each other lots. :smile:
Reply 7468
Original post by caseyhayes
Just to jump in, I am a medic so maybe similar timetable to a vet (assuming, sorry!) and my lovely other half is 2.5-3hrs away on a train.

We aim for 3/4 weekends a month sort of thing which works quite well. Sometimes it's every other weekend which is ok and we never leave it 3 weeks if we can help it - only happened once or twice in 18months together. But you can do it. The downside is my weekends are "booked" until mid-may now so being spontaneous is harder with uni friends and you miss out on occasions sometimes.

For me the planning in is essential though as you always have something to look forward to and if one month doesn't look so good then maybe the next month will have more weekends together and stuff. But this thread is always here too! :smile:


Thank you :smile: I think as long, as you say, I know when I will see him next then it shouldn't be so awful, trouble is at the minute he works at least one day at the weekend so if that continues it could be even harder to find the time. I'll just tell him to move closer to me after he finishes uni :tongue: Kidding.
i'm so fed up with my relationship right now. it is mostly my fault that things are a bit tough, but still... i'm human after all. really don't want to disappoint him again, but somehow i'm just losing it... sucks. :frown:
Original post by ohdrama
i'm so fed up with my relationship right now. it is mostly my fault that things are a bit tough, but still... i'm human after all. really don't want to disappoint him again, but somehow i'm just losing it... sucks. :frown:


You say it is mostly your fault, how is it so?
so my boyfriend of 3 yrs broke up with me. Said the distance was too hard and that we need to live our lives etc. Don't think he really wanted to break up with me but he said it was for the best :frown:

I'm devastated.
Original post by Anonymous
so my boyfriend of 3 yrs broke up with me. Said the distance was too hard and that we need to live our lives etc. Don't think he really wanted to break up with me but he said it was for the best :frown:

I'm devastated.



That's awful :frown:
Sorry you feel so bad. Just try and remember that if he didn't really want to break up with you, he wouldn't have. I know that's hard to take in.
Feel sorry for yourself for as long as you need, but do what you have to do in terms of cutting contact for a while. Give yourself the time.
Original post by Sazzy890
You say it is mostly your fault, how is it so?


brought up some really unpleasant stuff last night and now things are kinda weird.
i kind of betrayed his trust sometime last year to have a look at his messages because, well, he was acting a bit strange and i was overly suspicious at that time. my former bfs both cheated on me, so i'm a bit too sensitive, i guess... found stuff he said to a girl which made me feel proper sick. but since he considers my actions to be worse, he doesn't want to talk about what he said back then AT ALL. however, i brought it up last night after he frickin liked a stupid picture of that stupid girl. it is all really messed up. actually starting to despise facebook these days. i even deactivated my account temporarily because i can't put up with it anymore. ugh. really need to get a grip and get over my idiotic trust issues. :colonhash:
Original post by ohdrama
brought up some really unpleasant stuff last night and now things are kinda weird.
i kind of betrayed his trust sometime last year to have a look at his messages because, well, he was acting a bit strange and i was overly suspicious at that time. my former bfs both cheated on me, so i'm a bit too sensitive, i guess... found stuff he said to a girl which made me feel proper sick. but since he considers my actions to be worse, he doesn't want to talk about what he said back then AT ALL. however, i brought it up last night after he frickin liked a stupid picture of that stupid girl. it is all really messed up. actually starting to despise facebook these days. i even deactivated my account temporarily because i can't put up with it anymore. ugh. really need to get a grip and get over my idiotic trust issues. :colonhash:


Think your issues sound quite deep-rooted, to be honest. If what he said to that girl has ruined your trust completely is something you need to consider. LDRs just can't work without trust.
Either way, it sounds like you both could do with sitting down and having a really good talk through these things and try to find some proper closure, whether he wants to or not!!
Reply 7475
He left an hour ago :') I'll see him again in July/August :')

I miss him so... :redface:


We spent a wonderful week together, like we hadn't done in a long time :love:

Also, I am working on my trust issues, and he told me he appreciates it, and I can see he's happier :smile: But. Sometimes it still so difficult. Now that I have let my guard down, I feel so vulnerable :redface:

On a different note, he mentioned moving closer to each other :love: And, for the first time, he hinted that he could move to my country :love:

I know him well, he can say such things without fully meaning them, hence I don't want to get my hopes up -but I somehow take it as a sign that things between us are going a bit better, finally.


How have you guys been? :smile:
(edited 12 years ago)
Original post by Ciccina
He left an hour ago :') I'll see him again in July/August :')

I miss him so... :redface:


We spent a wonderful week together, like we hadn't done in a long time :love:

Also, I am working on my trust issues, and he told me he appreciates it, and I can see he's happier :smile: But. Sometimes it still so difficult. Now that I have let my guard down, I feel so vulnerable :redface:

On a different note, he mentioned moving closer to each other :love: And, for the first time, he hinted that he could move to my country :love:

I know him well, he can say such things without fully meaning them, hence I don't want to get my hopes up -but I somehow take it as a sign that things between us are going a bit better, finally.


How have you guys been? :smile:


Yay!!
This made me happy. Well done. Shame not til July/August now :frown:

Fine, thank you. Stressed at work and sometimes all you want is a cuddle but a snuggly phone call is getting us through for now!
I want to keep this post anon please.
Just want to find out from you ldr'ers any advice on how you cope when your other half is away. I am to be in a ldr soon for 3 years :frown:. Our relationship is great but I'm not one to deal with change well so just need some good advice on coping! :smile: thank you :smile:
Original post by caseyhayes
Think your issues sound quite deep-rooted, to be honest. If what he said to that girl has ruined your trust completely is something you need to consider. LDRs just can't work without trust.
Either way, it sounds like you both could do with sitting down and having a really good talk through these things and try to find some proper closure, whether he wants to or not!!

they are deep-rooted and i think we both know that. i'm trying to work things out, talking to people, but those incidents have changed the way i look at certain things quite drastically. it is still a long way to go to properly process those things and "recover".

unfortunately, he doesn't wanna talk about it. he even threatened to end our relationship. like there's no way in hell we can ever talk things through. all he sees is how i've ruined his trust by going through his messages. i didn't do it secretly btw. he was acting strange and i asked him a couple of times about it, but he just went on being all preoccupied etc. so i urged him to show me those messages blah blah blah. i'm not proud of myself for doing that, it was terrible and i DO understand how upset he was (or: is). but what i've read has somehow ruined my trust as well and by absolutely not wanting to talk about it, it just seems like he wants to avoid confrontation. and tbh, if i were in this shoes, i wouldn't have a clue how to explain the things he's said...

no idea what's going to happen. maybe i'll manage to get over it for the moment, but it will sneak up on me again eventually. bright prospects. always wanted to know in advance when i'll get dumped, yay.
Reply 7479
Original post by caseyhayes
Yay!!
This made me happy. Well done. Shame not til July/August now :frown:

Fine, thank you. Stressed at work and sometimes all you want is a cuddle but a snuggly phone call is getting us through for now!



:biggrin:

Sorry for the stress dear! Hang in there :hugs:

how long till you see the boy? :smile:

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