The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

Skyped today and it went well :wink:

we've been in contact more often nw too, lots of back and forth messages in the evenings which is nice :smile:

Reply 7906

Original post by Anonymous

Hi I dont know if im able to post on this as im not actually in a long distant relationship at the moment.
Ive been with my boyfriend 6 months hes 24 im 19 and the age gap has sometimes caused issues, as I suppose I do come across a bit immature.

Im going to uni In october and we will become long distance, he works full time, has anybody had any experience with long distance and uni working? hes never gone to uni and seems to think im coming home friday till monday to see him whihc i dont mind doing occasionally but i really do want to be able to make friends at uni aswell any help thankyou

I was two hours apart from my boyfriend last year, who is in full-time work, while I'm at uni. We are 20 and 24, so similar age gap.

We seem to make it work quite well, but it is difficult especially when balancing studies, social life and relationship! I probably made the mistake of spending too much time and money going to see him at weekends, when I should have been concentrating on my work, and I missed out on a lot of social occasions because I was off seeing him!

A fair balance would be giving yourself every other weekend or so to see him - and it's also fair to say you should take turns to travel, because it does cost time and energy to sit on a train for a few hours each weekend.

The other problem we run into with him working, is that he has more money than me, so he doesn't understand if I'm worried about my spending. He also seems to think I have this easy life of going to one or two lessons a day, and he underestimates how much work I actually have to do. There are times when you have to be really firm and say you're too busy.

Anyway it can be done, so don't worry about it yet! It's a good idea to talk to him before you leave and find out what you both expect from you being at uni. All the best :smile:

Reply 7907

silverbolt

19

Original post by Anonymous

Hi I dont know if im able to post on this as im not actually in a long distant relationship at the moment.
Ive been with my boyfriend 6 months hes 24 im 19 and the age gap has sometimes caused issues, as I suppose I do come across a bit immature.

Im going to uni In october and we will become long distance, he works full time, has anybody had any experience with long distance and uni working? hes never gone to uni and seems to think im coming home friday till monday to see him whihc i dont mind doing occasionally but i really do want to be able to make friends at uni aswell any help thankyou

Myself adn my partner are a bit older (i have 11 years on you lol) but we have only been long distance for our entire relationship. We met in November and we only see each other whenever i got to my home town or she comes over here. Its not easy but it can be done. however you need two things and i cant stress how important these two are

Trust - you HAVE to trust each other, jealousy and a little parania is one thing and its be expected but people can be destroyed by it and relationships ruined by one or both not trusting the other.

Communication - you MUST talk both light hearted convos and serious issues. You may at time feels silly saying what you say but if it puts your mind at ease then go for it.

Reply 7908

jeh_jeh

2

Original post by Anonymous

Hi I dont know if im able to post on this as im not actually in a long distant relationship at the moment.
Ive been with my boyfriend 6 months hes 24 im 19 and the age gap has sometimes caused issues, as I suppose I do come across a bit immature.

Im going to uni In october and we will become long distance, he works full time, has anybody had any experience with long distance and uni working? hes never gone to uni and seems to think im coming home friday till monday to see him whihc i dont mind doing occasionally but i really do want to be able to make friends at uni aswell any help thankyou

Silverbolt's advice above is excellent (trust and communication are obviously key in any relationship, but especially a long-distance one), but more specifically I would also say that you need to put your foot down to a certain extent and say that you are going to stay at university for a fixed period of time from September without coming home. This is sensible for two reasons: i) if you hate it (which I hope you won't!), going home all the time isn't going to make it any better; and ii) if you love it, then you should use all the free time you have (ie weekends) to make lots of friends. Maybe you should say that you're going to stay for x amount of time (a month, maybe) and that he can come and see you after freshers' week, for example. Honestly, that initial period can make forming friendships so much easier, and you really don't want to be "that girl who's always with her boyfriend". But I think you know this already!

My boyfriend's at medical school and I'm a finalist (at two different, but close, universities) and we just alternate going to see each other so that we also get to see our friends. Admittedly, I've started to go and see him more, but that's only because he's in Birmingham, and I love shopping. :p:

Reply 7909

Original post by jeh_jeh

Silverbolt's advice above is excellent (trust and communication are obviously key in any relationship, but especially a long-distance one), but more specifically I would also say that you need to put your foot down to a certain extent and say that you are going to stay at university for a fixed period of time from September without coming home. This is sensible for two reasons: i) if you hate it (which I hope you won't!), going home all the time isn't going to make it any better; and ii) if you love it, then you should use all the free time you have (ie weekends) to make lots of friends. Maybe you should say that you're going to stay for x amount of time (a month, maybe) and that he can come and see you after freshers' week, for example. Honestly, that initial period can make forming friendships so much easier, and you really don't want to be "that girl who's always with her boyfriend". But I think you know this already!

My boyfriend's at medical school and I'm a finalist (at two different, but close, universities) and we just alternate going to see each other so that we also get to see our friends. Admittedly, I've started to go and see him more, but that's only because he's in Birmingham, and I love shopping. :p:

You do every weekend, don't you? So do you hang out with friends during the week? And you weren't together in your first year, were you?

Reply 7910

jeh_jeh

2

Original post by such_a_lady

You do every weekend, don't you? So do you hang out with friends during the week? And you weren't together in your first year, were you?

Yeah, we did (argh! past tense! graduation!) every weekend. In my third year (I'm on a four year course, and was in Italy in my second year) we tried to alternate whose house we went to, but increasingly I went to his because a) I heart the Bullring, and b) he has a much higher workload than I do, and lugging all his medical text books around is hard work! So, yeah, we basically either hung out with our friends at whoever's house we were at, or did fun things in the week - dinner, pub quiz, etc. My four closest friends at university are (and were at that point, too) in long-term relationships, though, so it wasn't like I was missing out on weekends of wild partying! :p:

We met (and started talking and investing so much time in our "friendship" that we may as well have been going out at that point) in May of my first year, while he was still at Sixth Form. Admittedly, I broke my own advice in the sense that I did see boy in his freshers week... for the day before I flew to Italy. After that, I didn't see him 'til November.

I think for a lot of people seeing each other every weekend might be overkill, but I was lucky in that our travelling time is minimal. I was also deeply unhappy abroad, and came back quite anxious in general... so I probably spent more time at home/with my boyfriend in third year than the average person, anyway. So I guess my situation is different from the poster's, but that is definitely what I'd do in her situation.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 7911

rainbow drops

17

Original post by Jellybean91

Firstly, I've not seen you in aaaaages :sad:

where have you been? :hugs:

And of course, you know I have no idea what thats like, but i guess maybe when he was at sea, that was how it was and you couldn't change that, but then, now hes home, do you think maybe in your head you think you should be able to see him more often than this? and therefore getting infuriated that you can't? either way :hugs:

Hey!

I've just been posting on TSR far less, which (together with being on Facebook far less) is doing wonders for my productivity, tbh.

Yeah, that's probably it. It's also partly that I'm stressed, and I get far more irritable and needy when I'm stressed than I am otherwise, which is probably the same for everyone, but you know! I realised before that the bf went away on his voyage a year ago tomorrow :eek:

then I got a bit down thinking of how deeply, horribly upset I was that week and how upset I will be when he goes away next time. Trying my best to keep my mind off it and do my essays.

Reply 7912

Original post by jeh_jeh

Yeah, we did (argh! past tense! graduation!) every weekend. In my third year (I'm on a four year course, and was in Italy in my second year) we tried to alternate whose house we went to, but increasingly I went to his because a) I heart the Bullring, and b) he has a much higher workload than I do, and lugging all his medical text books around is hard work! So, yeah, we basically either hung out with our friends at whoever's house we were at, or did fun things in the week - dinner, pub quiz, etc. My four closest friends at university are (and were at that point, too) in long-term relationships, though, so it wasn't like I was missing out on weekends of wild partying! :p:

We met (and started talking and investing so much time in our "friendship" that we may as well have been going out at that point) in May of my first year, while he was still at Sixth Form. Admittedly, I broke my own advice in the sense that I did see boy in his freshers week... for the day before I flew to Italy. After that, I didn't see him 'til November.

I think for a lot of people seeing each other every weekend might be overkill, but I was lucky in that our travelling time is minimal. I was also deeply unhappy abroad, and came back quite anxious in general... so I probably spent more time at home/with my boyfriend in third year than the average person, anyway. So I guess my situation is different from the poster's, but that is definitely what I'd do in her situation.

How did you meet, out of interest? :smile:

And was it the external life factors affecting your time abroad, or was it actually stuff to do with being abroad, if you don't mind me asking? :suith:

Reply 7913

jeh_jeh

2

Original post by such_a_lady

How did you meet, out of interest? :smile:

And was it the external life factors affecting your time abroad, or was it actually stuff to do with being abroad, if you don't mind me asking? :suith:

A mutual friend's 21st birthday party. :smile:

Erm, I guess it's hard to be totally objective because I obviously never experienced being single so I don't really know if the situation would have seemed better if I wasn't missing boy so much.

BUT, the main factor in my unhappiness was that I signed up for university-run accommodation in Italy, and this turned out to be in a convent run by nuns (I wish I was making this up! I obviously didn't know beforehand). I had an 11pm curfew (which, if you've ever been in a European city, you'll understand is madness) and I had to tell them if I was going away, and when I was coming back, etc. But, most annoyingly of all, we weren't allowed to have guests. I was in one of the expensive places in Italy, and neither I nor the boy could afford hotels, so he could never come to see me. I was also on an Erasmus study abroad placement, but there really wasn't much Erasmus activity, so as an international student I felt pretty isolated and bored. I got quite depressed (didn't leave my room for days, etc), and felt quite traumatised when I came home. That bleeping noise that trains make when the doors close still makes me feel sad!

Reply 7914

Kattt_452

8

Hi folks

I would like some of your expert advice!

In terms of long distance, I'm not sure how you all fare as I havent't read the whole thread ( :smile:

). My boyfriend and I aren't exactly long distance (an hour and a half apart), but aren't exactly seeing eachother 24/7 either. Currenly we see eachother a couple of times a week, and keep in contact most days.

However I am going to work abroad for a month, while it just so happens that he will be working loads more hours at this time too. Considering the circumstances...I don't think I will know for sure how often and by what exact means I will be able to contact people (perhaps email...) until I arrive at my destination. But before I go, I'm thinking there should probably be some ground rules (trying not to sound really serious about it!) or agreements on how often we'll stay in touch? ie. I don't want to get upset if I don't hear from him and vice versa.

What should we reasonably expect from eachother in this situation? Any tips would be great.

Reply 7915

Original post by Kattt_452

Hi folks

I would like some of your expert advice!

In terms of long distance, I'm not sure how you all fare as I havent't read the whole thread ( :smile:

). My boyfriend and I aren't exactly long distance (an hour and a half apart), but aren't exactly seeing eachother 24/7 either. Currenly we see eachother a couple of times a week, and keep in contact most days.

However I am going to work abroad for a month, while it just so happens that he will be working loads more hours at this time too. Considering the circumstances...I don't think I will know for sure how often and by what exact means I will be able to contact people (perhaps email...) until I arrive at my destination. But before I go, I'm thinking there should probably be some ground rules (trying not to sound really serious about it!) or agreements on how often we'll stay in touch? ie. I don't want to get upset if I don't hear from him and vice versa.

What should we reasonably expect from eachother in this situation? Any tips would be great.

I think since it's only a month there's no need to stress! Once you have your means of contact worked out, after each time you chat, you could arrange the next time you will call each each other. It's also fair to say that if it turns out one of you can't make it, you should tell the other in advance!

Also like you said, since you will both be busy, there will probably be times when you don't hear from him - try not to be disappointed and enjoy your time out there, you'll be back before you know it!

Reply 7916

So yesterday, I think I just went completely crazy because I was crying on Skype to my boyfriend (while he was at work :colondollar:

) saying I couldn't do it anymore. We almost ended up rowing because he's said I've been distant and uninterested on the phone recently, and he's right I have been. So I told him how I've been feeling, and he thought I want to break up with him. Which I don't, but I also don't want to spend the next 3 months feeling bored and unhappy with the relationship.

I think we worked it out anyway, this morning I woke up to the sweetest email, and it reminded me why one of the things I love most about him is that he has a way of making me smile like nobody else. Nobody else has ever been that patient with my mood swings and crazy dramas! I think I just need little reminders like that every once in a while to remind me what I'm in it for. :smile:

I'm just worried nothing's going to change, and I'm going to keep feeling this way.

Reply 7917

Jellybean91

12

Original post by Kattt_452

Hi folks

I would like some of your expert advice!

In terms of long distance, I'm not sure how you all fare as I havent't read the whole thread ( :smile:

). My boyfriend and I aren't exactly long distance (an hour and a half apart), but aren't exactly seeing eachother 24/7 either. Currenly we see eachother a couple of times a week, and keep in contact most days.

However I am going to work abroad for a month, while it just so happens that he will be working loads more hours at this time too. Considering the circumstances...I don't think I will know for sure how often and by what exact means I will be able to contact people (perhaps email...) until I arrive at my destination. But before I go, I'm thinking there should probably be some ground rules (trying not to sound really serious about it!) or agreements on how often we'll stay in touch? ie. I don't want to get upset if I don't hear from him and vice versa.

What should we reasonably expect from eachother in this situation? Any tips would be great.

Honestly, if its only a month, I wouldn't even worry about it! Just make sure you skype each other, because living abroad can be enough of a shock (to both people) honestly, communication really is the key :smile:

My boy and I made a rule when I moved abroad, that there would never be any pressure to text each other, except for one good morning and one goodnight text every day :smile:

In reality we talk a lot more than that, but its nice to know that I'm guaranteed those 2 messaged a day no matter whats going on in either of our lives :smile:

And like Kat said, enjoy your time out there!! I've been abroad for a year and all of a sudden its 3 weeks until I'm home for good! It flys by so enjoy every second of it!

Reply 7918

Spent 4 hours on Skype together today, I can't believe it, it just flew by. I haven't even seen his face on webcam for two weeks, so now I'm just glowing inside! :smile:

How can LDR make me so happy and so sad.

Reply 7919