The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

yhal

He will be back over here after summer so thats not much of a problem. It was just the summer thing seeing as its gonna be about 4 months, especially when a few people I know at uni are giving advice not to get tied down over summer since Ive only known him 2 weeks....ah I dont know

It's your choice, not theirs. If you want to pursue something with him, seriously, Ireland isn't far at ALL! Ryan Air fly to I think four different places and flights range from Free (yes, FREE!) to about £80 at the upper end of the spectrum usually, in my experience.

When I have a dilemma I usually try and picture how I'd feel if situation A and B happened.

eg. Would I regret it if we didn't start something?
Would I regret being tied down if we did?

Reply 62

Anonymous #3

I came to uni in a long distance relationship which lasted a month because he was completely paranoid and thought I was going to cheat on him, because I could apparently do so much better. Except for a fling just before Christmas I haven’t liked anyone since. This all changed about two weeks ago when I met a guy in the union, who I have seen quite a lot of since then. However yesterday he told me in front of my friends that he’s not coming back here next year because he hates his course so is going to apply through clearing to another uni. I don’t know what to do now I’m not sure if I can face another LDR, especially when I can’t even go home in the holidays and see him and there are only a few weeks of uni left so it would pretty much always be long distance.
Everyone here just says talk to him but I’m really shy and hate talking about my feeling and until I can sort it all out in my head I don’t think I can.

It is all I can think about and I have exams next week which I really need to revise for. I’m not really sure why I’m posting this, I was hoping writing it all down would mean it would make sense but it hasn’t really helped.

Reply 63

suek

Anonymous

I came to uni in a long distance relationship which lasted a month because he was completely paranoid and thought I was going to cheat on him, because I could apparently do so much better. Except for a fling just before Christmas I haven’t liked anyone since. This all changed about two weeks ago when I met a guy in the union, who I have seen quite a lot of since then. However yesterday he told me in front of my friends that he’s not coming back here next year because he hates his course so is going to apply through clearing to another uni. I don’t know what to do now I’m not sure if I can face another LDR, especially when I can’t even go home in the holidays and see him and there are only a few weeks of uni left so it would pretty much always be long distance.
Everyone here just says talk to him but I’m really shy and hate talking about my feeling and until I can sort it all out in my head I don’t think I can.

It is all I can think about and I have exams next week which I really need to revise for. I’m not really sure why I’m posting this, I was hoping writing it all down would mean it would make sense but it hasn’t really helped.

Firstly I would focus on your exams.

Secondly, it sounds like the first guy simply wasn't cut out for a Long Distance Relationship.

Thirdly, how long distance might it be?

Fourthly, and apologies but you really should talk to him somehow :smile:

Two weeks is very early to be making huge commitments of course but if you think it's someone you could have something good with...

Something along the lines of "So do you want to keep seeing each other when you go to your new uni?" would probably do it, doesn't have to be that scary, and it's best for your sake to know instead of all this wondering. Maybe even do it via text message if you don't want to do it face to face!

Reply 64

I agree with what Sue and Emily have said :smile:

A lot of us are constantly in LDRs (not just hols/term time) and it can work :smile:

Obviously if you're closer it helps, but if you want to make it work, you will :smile:

Reply 65

blinkbelle

I'm a bit annoyed at my boyfriend. We met just over a year ago and celebrated our year annversary in April. Things are great, I'm really happy and so glad our whole LDR is working (he's at home and I'm at uni). We normally see each other every fortnight, or more if I haven't got too much work on (he works full time and I'm at uni). Only thing is, I have exams a week on Weds and I had provisionally said I'd be home the weekend before. I don't think I'll be able to manage this as I'll be so stressed out and although would love to see him, have to prioritise exams! He doesn't seem to understand and was not impressed when I told him after this weekend I might not see him until 3rd June. I'm not happy about it but I have to put my work first, and my happiness. I know that if I went home that weekend I would be so stressed out and not happy, it just annoys me that he doesn't understand this! TBH I think he's being a little selfish, which is not a quality I've seen in him before.
Dont really know if I want advice or anything. Just needed to vent. :smile:

xxx

Reply 66

I think you're right... Lots of other ppl on here who have exams aren't seeing their partners until after they're over. Exams are important and he should understand this.

Maybe it's more the fact that he's disappointed that he thought he was seeing you this weekend but now you're saying you won't be? But that doesn't mean he shouldn't understand...

Just make sure you have regular phone calls and things with him in the evenings or something

Reply 67

ZanyZanny

1

Couldn't your boyfriend come and see you one weekend blinkbelle? I know you said he works full time but just for the sat and sunday come and see you? My boyfriend is coming to see me this weekend so it means i get to see him but its a lot easier for me to work and i dont have to spend lots of time traveling when i could be revising. You could even do a few hours when he is there as long as he has something to occupy himself with.

Reply 68

blinkbelle

I've been doing that the past 2 weekends, its just the weekend in particular is 3 days before my first exam, and i have an exam the day after that, and then one 2 days after that! So I'm thinkin I'm gonna need to focus! Its so annoying I hate exams, but I keep telling him that after them we'll get to see each other so much more! xxx

Reply 69

Caliowin

blinkbelle

I'm a bit annoyed at my boyfriend. We met just over a year ago and celebrated our year annversary in April. Things are great, I'm really happy and so glad our whole LDR is working (he's at home and I'm at uni). We normally see each other every fortnight, or more if I haven't got too much work on (he works full time and I'm at uni). Only thing is, I have exams a week on Weds and I had provisionally said I'd be home the weekend before. I don't think I'll be able to manage this as I'll be so stressed out and although would love to see him, have to prioritise exams! He doesn't seem to understand and was not impressed when I told him after this weekend I might not see him until 3rd June. I'm not happy about it but I have to put my work first, and my happiness. I know that if I went home that weekend I would be so stressed out and not happy, it just annoys me that he doesn't understand this! TBH I think he's being a little selfish, which is not a quality I've seen in him before.
Dont really know if I want advice or anything. Just needed to vent. :smile:

xxx

I can understand your frustration towards him. Though i suspect he's just a bit disappointed as he was looking forward to seeing you at a certain time and now he won't. I'm sure he does understand, just wishes you could be with him.

I've been with my boyfriend almost 11 months in a LDR. He wants to come see me at half term for a few days, but I really really have to revise. I've told him I'd be revising all day, and he doesn't mind, but I'm worried he'd distract me, but I really want to see him. I havent seen him for 3 weeks and if I don't see him at half term (which is in 2 weeks time) I won't be able to see him for another 5-6 weeks due to exams.

He does really coursework heavy subjects so there isnt that much pressure on his exams and he only needs BCC or something for uni. I do all science which is basically all dependent on exams- and there is a hell of a lot to learn- and I need ABC which I need to work for. So I think he doesnt think that it would matter if I didnt revise for a day or 2 over half term... but it would! every minute of revision counts.

So yeah.. i don't know what to do :frown:

Reply 70

southernlight

Caliowin

I can understand your frustration towards him. Though i suspect he's just a bit disappointed as he was looking forward to seeing you at a certain time and now he won't. I'm sure he does understand, just wishes you could be with him.

I've been with my boyfriend almost 11 months in a LDR. He wants to come see me at half term for a few days, but I really really have to revise. I've told him I'd be revising all day, and he doesn't mind, but I'm worried he'd distract me, but I really want to see him. I havent seen him for 3 weeks and if I don't see him at half term (which is in 2 weeks time) I won't be able to see him for another 5-6 weeks due to exams.

He does really coursework heavy subjects so there isnt that much pressure on his exams and he only needs BCC or something for uni. I do all science which is basically all dependent on exams- and there is a hell of a lot to learn- and I need ABC which I need to work for. So I think he doesnt think that it would matter if I didnt revise for a day or 2 over half term... but it would! every minute of revision counts.

So yeah.. i don't know what to do :frown:

Well surely you won't be revising all day? You'll have the evening free?

My boyfriend is coming home next weekend, and wants to see me, but I still need to revise, so I'm still going to see him on Saturday, but will revise with him there during the day and then after say 5 or 6ish I'll just relax and watch a film or whatever with him :smile:

I've done it before, but with homework, and it's just nice to be in the same room as him.

Reply 71

Anonymous #4

Me and my gf have been together for 2 years, and now the distance is tearing us apart. Work and lack of money is causing us to not see each other as much, and nearly causing us to break up.

She is now saying shes going to kill herself as she can't take me not being there for her. I find it harsh as theres no chance I can be there when I really want to. My family don't have much more money to lend me, and its driving me insane :frown:

Reply 72

Caliowin - Could you get him to test you? If he's got some exams too, he could use the time to revise as well, and then you could have a break and watch TV or something :smile:

Anon #4 - can she not come and visit you? I know that LDRs are difficult, but it is possible to get through them. Do you keep in regular contact with her? And how much longer is the relationship going to be LD?

Reply 73

Angelil

19

Jinxes - Go for it :smile:

Plenty of us here are in similar situations, including being separated from our loved ones by a Eurostar trip. My relationship with my boyfriend is my first one too (and hopefully my only/last) and despite it being international my parents were very understanding (I thought they'd flip too) and let me go to Paris to meet him for the very first time rather than dragging him to England and interrogating him :biggrin:

We've now been together nearly 3.5 years, so it's definitely possible to make something like that work.

Reply 74

Anonymous #5

Sorry, this might be a long post.

Well, basically, my boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year, we live near each other in hols, but we're in different places for uni. We're both coming to the end of our second year, so we've been LD for most of the relationship. We were good friends beforehand though, and thought we could deal with it, which we have. It's been difficult, but we're doing okay, especially with the prospect of a summer together :smile:

This morning my boyfriend announced that at the end of his degree, he'd like to do a 5 year long PhD in the US, since he'd like to see somewhere that's not Britain, and the courses are most interesting in the states. I am (obviously!) a bit upset by this, because the thought of it is a bit daunting. His course finishes a year earlier than mine, and I have no idea at all what I want to do at the end of it; I'd looked vaguely into studying in the US (simply for a change of scenery for a few years, and also because if I wanted to do research, then America would be the best place to do it), but I've also thought about having a year out if I'm still clueless about what I want to do in 2 years time when I finish (I don't want to just rush into a career I'm not too fussed about); obviously I've also thought about various post-grad. courses in Britain as well.

The thing that's upset me is that my boyfriend and I have vaguely discussed the future (not in an entirely serious way, we're only 19 and 20, and we've only been together a year) but we do share similar ideas of what we want from life; and we make each other very happy. As it's an LDR, we're fairly serious otherwise I don't think it would work. However, when he brought up the topic of going to America, he said that it would be the end of us as he thought it would be too difficult and pointless for us to be in a transatlantic relationship for the foreseeable future. I can understand that it would be extremely difficult, but I was under the impression that we had something worth keeping, and I suggested that we would at least try the distance.

He didn't think this was a viable option, and it's just left me thinking that if he doesn't see the relationship going anywhere, then is this just a thing of convenience for him now? I don't want to get engaged or anything right now, but I thought we were serious enough to want to make it work after uni.

Sorry, this is an essay, I guess I just want to know what other people think about it; whether I'm being unreasonable/overly romantic and what you'd do in either of our situations. I'm just a bit confused, I suppose.

Reply 75

Anonymous #6

I've been away from my girlfriend for the past 4 months (we are studying in different countries) and it's been alright, most of the time. I miss her like crazy and really resent the distance between us. I don't normally get jealous about stupid things, but since I've been away it seems that pretty much every other day she is asked out by a new guy, invited to dinner, given a new phone number and has even received a marriage proposal (I kid you not!).

To put it into context, she works in a bar which attracts a lot of hyper-rich, single guys and married businessmen who are looking for a 'bit on the side'. My girl has a really beautiful smile, but her boss makes her use this to control clients and make them spend loads of money... and as a result they all think she wants to sleep with them, or at least that they can buy her affection. She tells me that it's 'just work', that she does not flirt with the clients and that she makes it clear that she's got a boyfriend that she's deeply in love with. And for the most part, I believe her.

The thing is though, if she was really acting the way she tells me, why does she receive so many offers and have so many guys chasing after her all the time? There are at least 10 different men who come to the bar specifically to see her, compliment her, chat to her blah blah blah... surely if she made everything so clear to them, they wouldn't keep pursuing her? I'm sure she would never do anything to hurt me and I know she is not the kind of girl who would be attracted by guys like that... but you know what it's like, when there's distance between you, things like this seem like a big problem and I often find myself feeling quite angry inside when she tells me. Am I wrong to feel like this?

Reply 76

Angelil

19

Anon 5 - I can understand both your points of view tbh. LDRs usually take a certain degree of monetary commitment anyway and if you're both going to be students and/or backpackers for a while, you'd be unlikely to be able to afford seeing each other with the astronomical costs of a transatlantic LDR. I don't think he sees you as being a relationship of convenience - he's more likely got his 'I am man' head on and trying to be practical over all else. Don't hold it against him too much :p:

If the possibility of you travelling or studying in the US is still on the cards then I wouldn't write the whole thing off completely.

Anon 6 - jealousy is common in all relationships, let alone LDRs where the problem can often be exacerbated. As you've already identified, this is all to do with the nature of her job rather than any infidelity in your relationship, and if she'd succumbed, you would probably know by now. As you as a male should know, guys can be dirty creatures :p:

and often try it on with women who aren't interested. Women don't need to be encouraging guys for this to happen. So no, you're not wrong to feel that way at all - it is normal. Just make sure you carry on talking with her in order to allay your jealousy rather than making it even worse. Do you talk often?

Reply 77