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    • #496
    #496

    Girls, I need some help distinguising if I've crossed the line here.

    So I'm in an LDR and have been for a long time now. I haven't seen my girlfriend since August and she isn't even in Europe right now.

    Anyway, I was at a friend's 21st yesterday night and well, we all got drunk, obviously. As we all know, no-one has ever made a good decision while drunk. Our little group of guys ended up going to a lap dancing club, and yes, I did buy a private session. Honestly I wasn't thinking about my girlfriend even once the entire night, I think I'm starting to feel a bit detached from her.

    Anyway, regardless of the feelings stuff, would you say I've crossed a line here? She doesn't know because I haven't told her, and she doesn't know any of the guys I went with either so it's unlikely she'd hear it from elsewhere. Should I be honest and admit I messed up (thus lifting the weight off my conscience) or just keep a lid on it to stop her from (possibly?) being hurt.

    Would you hate your other half for doing something like this, given how long it's been? Before I started Uni I was in the LDR too, and back then I did absolutely nothing wrong, I was perfectly well behaved! But since she left this last time I've gone as far as second base with a girl I know and then this lap dancing episode.

    What pisses me off about this is before now, I always looked down on people who cheated in LDRs, saying they lacked commitment or just shouldn't have tried it to start with. I thought I was different, better. Apparently I'm not. She has no idea about any of this or that I'm even feeling detached, while she isn't 'happy' to be apart she is still 110% commited (if anything that's her biggest flaw, she's quite clingy).

    I just don't know what to do anymore...
    • #490
    #490

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Girls, I need some help distinguising if I've crossed the line here.

    So I'm in an LDR and have been for a long time now. I haven't seen my girlfriend since August and she isn't even in Europe right now.

    Anyway, I was at a friend's 21st yesterday night and well, we all got drunk, obviously. As we all know, no-one has ever made a good decision while drunk. Our little group of guys ended up going to a lap dancing club, and yes, I did buy a private session. Honestly I wasn't thinking about my girlfriend even once the entire night, I think I'm starting to feel a bit detached from her.

    Anyway, regardless of the feelings stuff, would you say I've crossed a line here? She doesn't know because I haven't told her, and she doesn't know any of the guys I went with either so it's unlikely she'd hear it from elsewhere. Should I be honest and admit I messed up (thus lifting the weight off my conscience) or just keep a lid on it to stop her from (possibly?) being hurt.

    Would you hate your other half for doing something like this, given how long it's been? Before I started Uni I was in the LDR too, and back then I did absolutely nothing wrong, I was perfectly well behaved! But since she left this last time I've gone as far as second base with a girl I know and then this lap dancing episode.

    What pisses me off about this is before now, I always looked down on people who cheated in LDRs, saying they lacked commitment or just shouldn't have tried it to start with. I thought I was different, better. Apparently I'm not. She has no idea about any of this or that I'm even feeling detached, while she isn't 'happy' to be apart she is still 110% commited (if anything that's her biggest flaw, she's quite clingy).

    I just don't know what to do anymore...
    OF COURSE you crossed a line. And if you respect her a little then you must tell her, she has a right to know. Be a man and tell her what you did.
    Your LDR is most likely over -and she deserves better than a guy who calls her clingy just to justify his cheating.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Girls, I need some help distinguising if I've crossed the line here.

    So I'm in an LDR and have been for a long time now. I haven't seen my girlfriend since August and she isn't even in Europe right now.

    Anyway, I was at a friend's 21st yesterday night and well, we all got drunk, obviously. As we all know, no-one has ever made a good decision while drunk. Our little group of guys ended up going to a lap dancing club, and yes, I did buy a private session. Honestly I wasn't thinking about my girlfriend even once the entire night, I think I'm starting to feel a bit detached from her.

    Anyway, regardless of the feelings stuff, would you say I've crossed a line here? She doesn't know because I haven't told her, and she doesn't know any of the guys I went with either so it's unlikely she'd hear it from elsewhere. Should I be honest and admit I messed up (thus lifting the weight off my conscience) or just keep a lid on it to stop her from (possibly?) being hurt.

    Would you hate your other half for doing something like this, given how long it's been? Before I started Uni I was in the LDR too, and back then I did absolutely nothing wrong, I was perfectly well behaved! But since she left this last time I've gone as far as second base with a girl I know and then this lap dancing episode.

    What pisses me off about this is before now, I always looked down on people who cheated in LDRs, saying they lacked commitment or just shouldn't have tried it to start with. I thought I was different, better. Apparently I'm not. She has no idea about any of this or that I'm even feeling detached, while she isn't 'happy' to be apart she is still 110% commited (if anything that's her biggest flaw, she's quite clingy).

    I just don't know what to do anymore...
    It's not your fault you don't feel connected to your gf and want to do stuff with other girls... But it is your fault if you deal with that by cheating!

    I personally can't see your relationship continuing beyond this (unless you just continue to lie/deceive, in which case it isn't a relationship, it's a con) so I think the best thing would be to break up with her. You must decide at this point whether you will ever tell her about the cheating. Personally I wouldn't - if you're ending it anyway, you'll only double her heartbreak. But if it might possibly come out later (eg: you feel guilty and tell her months down the line), then it will be so much worse, so tell her now if you think that might happen.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Girls, I need some help distinguising if I've crossed the line here.

    So I'm in an LDR and have been for a long time now. I haven't seen my girlfriend since August and she isn't even in Europe right now.

    Anyway, I was at a friend's 21st yesterday night and well, we all got drunk, obviously. As we all know, no-one has ever made a good decision while drunk. Our little group of guys ended up going to a lap dancing club, and yes, I did buy a private session. Honestly I wasn't thinking about my girlfriend even once the entire night, I think I'm starting to feel a bit detached from her.

    Anyway, regardless of the feelings stuff, would you say I've crossed a line here? She doesn't know because I haven't told her, and she doesn't know any of the guys I went with either so it's unlikely she'd hear it from elsewhere. Should I be honest and admit I messed up (thus lifting the weight off my conscience) or just keep a lid on it to stop her from (possibly?) being hurt.

    Would you hate your other half for doing something like this, given how long it's been? Before I started Uni I was in the LDR too, and back then I did absolutely nothing wrong, I was perfectly well behaved! But since she left this last time I've gone as far as second base with a girl I know and then this lap dancing episode.

    What pisses me off about this is before now, I always looked down on people who cheated in LDRs, saying they lacked commitment or just shouldn't have tried it to start with. I thought I was different, better. Apparently I'm not. She has no idea about any of this or that I'm even feeling detached, while she isn't 'happy' to be apart she is still 110% commited (if anything that's her biggest flaw, she's quite clingy).

    I just don't know what to do anymore...
    I would personally be quite hurt about the lap dancing thing, but would forgive it, but going to second base with another girl? No, that's COMPLETELY unacceptable. You really don't seem to care about her anymore - what was once affectionate has become clingy and you've become detached to the point where you don't seem to feel guilty for cheating. You're over the relationship, and she deserves better. It's time to end it. As another poster said, whether you actually tell her about the cheating is up to you, personally I'd rather know, but if she's that attached to you that it's going to destroy her, then maybe better not.
    • #497
    #497

    Hey I need some advice.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months now, and since September it has been a LDR, because of uni.
    We talk thought Skype every night for 1h and we were able to see each other twice since September, 1 week.
    I miss him so much, and each time we see each other I just wanna be stuck to him and prepare lots of little surprises. It's like I wanted to make up for lost time.
    But, I don't see any enthusiasm on him, he acts as if we were together everyday, rare kisses, no hugs, no shiny eyes, rare sex. I'm always the one who does things first.

    I feel like I'm just a friend, that he is with me just for habit.

    It's hard to be in LDR and not have love. Maybe I'm not fair with him.
    What do you think? Should I act just like him?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey I need some advice.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months now, and since September it has been a LDR, because of uni.
    We talk thought Skype every night for 1h and we were able to see each other twice since September, 1 week.
    I miss him so much, and each time we see each other I just wanna be stuck to him and prepare lots of little surprises. It's like I wanted to make up for lost time.
    But, I don't see any enthusiasm on him, he acts as if we were together everyday, rare kisses, no hugs, no shiny eyes, rare sex. I'm always the one who does things first.

    I feel like I'm just a friend, that he is with me just for habit.

    It's hard to be in LDR and not have love. Maybe I'm not fair with him.
    What do you think? Should I act just like him?
    What was he like before it became an LDR? If he has always been the kind of person that isn't very huggy/physical in that way, then was it that you were just expecting him to become more so because you hadn't seen him in a long time?

    Or did he used to be, and since it's been long distance he's become more detached?
    • #497
    #497

    (Original post by urbanamore)
    What was he like before it became an LDR? If he has always been the kind of person that isn't very huggy/physical in that way, then was it that you were just expecting him to become more so because you hadn't seen him in a long time?

    Or did he used to be, and since it's been long distance he's become more detached?
    He has always been the kind of person that is not very physical, attentive and demonstrative (he was okay at the beginning). In a normal relationship, I do my best to accept that.
    But since it's now a LDR, I was expecting to have more love each time we see each other, I'd like to see on him that he's missed me.

    I can only stand with a LDR if the few moments we spend together are intensive, otherwise, the wait is not worth it. Right?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He has always been the kind of person that is not very physical, attentive and demonstrative (he was okay at the beginning). In a normal relationship, I do my best to accept that.
    But since it's now a LDR, I was expecting to have more love each time we see each other, I'd like to see on him that he's missed me.

    I can only stand with a LDR if the few moments we spend together are intensive, otherwise, the wait is not worth it. Right?
    Well if he's always been like that, then maybe in his eyes he's just being exactly the same and doesn't see why he should change. I mean personally I need to be with someone who's very physical in the way of hugs/hand holding/etc etc, and even more so if it's an LDR, so I ca see why you're upset/worried.

    I guess you just need to decide whether you can put up with the fact that he's always gonna be like that, or whether for you it'd just be better to move on...
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    hey guys my girlfriend's birthday is coming up on thursday and i have no idea what to do for her! I want to do something really really awesome for her because she means so much to me, but im out of ideas :/ Please help me! thanks
    • #498
    #498

    Hmmm, interesting thread. I guess I'll tell my little story.

    It's a bit different actually because I met my gf online so it has always been LD. I met her in May/June 2011 on twitter and she's from Venezuela. Just added her randomly and we talked infrequently up until August 2011 when I was in Paris and she commented that as soon as I left the UK the London riots started lol. Anyway, we started talking more or less daily on twitter then and things just spiraled. By November/December time we were talking all day everyday on whatsapp and it felt like we were in a relationship, we didn't really mention the fact much, or comment if it was silly/odd/weird or anything because it felt really normal. It was like a natural progression and I just fell for her, she's stunning and kind and everything I could want in a girl. We carried on well into the first quarter of 2012 the same but we'd began saying "I love you" ect... It sounds odd as we hadn't met but it felt right.

    Of course we hadn't met, but early in 2012, maybe January time, it became apparent that she and her mother were coming to Spain to visit her pregnant sister who lives in Madrid, for about two months. Her goal is, like her sister has, to move to Europe as soon as possible. This is probably why we have carried our relationship on, because there is a goal for her to be a lot closer, and ultimately for us to be together properly once I've finished my degree.

    On with the story, she went to Spain in the summer but because of my study and Job I couldn't visit her, to say she freaked at that was an understatement lol. At this time we started skyping too. She went back to Venezuela later in the summer but came back to Madrid for November and most of December to help look after her new niece while her sister works.

    This is where it got a lot more amazing, because a week ago I went to see her and she was everything I hoped for and more. It wasn't like we'd just met, I guess that might be expected considering I'd been talking to her all day every day for over a year, but I was still happy that it wasn't in my head and that she feels exactly the same. I had one of the best times of my life, ok there was a lot of sex but it was more than that, just holding her hand around Madrid was a dream.

    She really is the most wonderful girl I've ever met. We both cried when I had to leave, I didn't expect that and it hurt but it feels to both of us that we're meant to be. I'm 22 and she's 25 btw.

    I guess to conclude, I'll say that this is not something I looked for or wanted, I mean meeting people online is a bit taboo still which is why I've not said a thing to friends (who have had a lot more success with girls than moi). It happened really naturally and we know each other inside out. I think we've lasted this long, and our face to face went so well because we never lied about who we were, what we were like, or what we wanted. We're really committed and want to be together. I'll see her again in early 2013, and once she's in Spain we can probably afford to see each other every 4-5 weeks.

    I should probably mention that I study language (French for my degree, Spanish in spare time for fun), so moving and living on the continent after my degree is pretty much my goal anyway, even if I'd not met her. That;s just another coincidence that makes it feel "right".

    Good luck with your LDR's everyone.
    • #499
    #499

    Hi, I have been in a relationship for 4 months (3 of which have been long distance) and it is going well. However at the moment I am struggling with the lack of seeing my boyfriend. Since we've both been back at uni, we've seen each other twice briefly and although it's only 2 weeks before we see each other again I am finding that the 'missing him' thoughts seem to be taking over my brain!!

    We talk on the phone pretty much every day and we have great conversations but because we hadn't been in a relationship long before we both moved away it's difficult sometimes to know what he is thinking about the situation! It seems to me that when he is in a bad mood or missing me a lot he seems to be less responsive which understandably is slightly perplexing as there is nothing I can do about it!

    This is very frustrating, and I was hoping for some advice to help me combat this.

    Thaaaanks
    • #336
    #336

    just got back from a weekend in france, best weekend ever. 3 weeks till xmas. Goodbyes are getting easier too
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmmm, interesting thread. I guess I'll tell my little story.

    It's a bit different actually because I met my gf online so it has always been LD. I met her in May/June 2011 on twitter and she's from Venezuela. Just added her randomly and we talked infrequently up until August 2011 when I was in Paris and she commented that as soon as I left the UK the London riots started lol. Anyway, we started talking more or less daily on twitter then and things just spiraled. By November/December time we were talking all day everyday on whatsapp and it felt like we were in a relationship, we didn't really mention the fact much, or comment if it was silly/odd/weird or anything because it felt really normal. It was like a natural progression and I just fell for her, she's stunning and kind and everything I could want in a girl. We carried on well into the first quarter of 2012 the same but we'd began saying "I love you" ect... It sounds odd as we hadn't met but it felt right.

    Of course we hadn't met, but early in 2012, maybe January time, it became apparent that she and her mother were coming to Spain to visit her pregnant sister who lives in Madrid, for about two months. Her goal is, like her sister has, to move to Europe as soon as possible. This is probably why we have carried our relationship on, because there is a goal for her to be a lot closer, and ultimately for us to be together properly once I've finished my degree.

    On with the story, she went to Spain in the summer but because of my study and Job I couldn't visit her, to say she freaked at that was an understatement lol. At this time we started skyping too. She went back to Venezuela later in the summer but came back to Madrid for November and most of December to help look after her new niece while her sister works.

    This is where it got a lot more amazing, because a week ago I went to see her and she was everything I hoped for and more. It wasn't like we'd just met, I guess that might be expected considering I'd been talking to her all day every day for over a year, but I was still happy that it wasn't in my head and that she feels exactly the same. I had one of the best times of my life, ok there was a lot of sex but it was more than that, just holding her hand around Madrid was a dream.

    She really is the most wonderful girl I've ever met. We both cried when I had to leave, I didn't expect that and it hurt but it feels to both of us that we're meant to be. I'm 22 and she's 25 btw.

    I guess to conclude, I'll say that this is not something I looked for or wanted, I mean meeting people online is a bit taboo still which is why I've not said a thing to friends (who have had a lot more success with girls than moi). It happened really naturally and we know each other inside out. I think we've lasted this long, and our face to face went so well because we never lied about who we were, what we were like, or what we wanted. We're really committed and want to be together. I'll see her again in early 2013, and once she's in Spain we can probably afford to see each other every 4-5 weeks.

    I should probably mention that I study language (French for my degree, Spanish in spare time for fun), so moving and living on the continent after my degree is pretty much my goal anyway, even if I'd not met her. That;s just another coincidence that makes it feel "right".

    Good luck with your LDR's everyone.
    This is so lovely I hope you stay together and the LDR works out for you both


    This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
    • #473
    #473

    It's our first anniversary today We've been in an LDR since September, and I've seen him six times since then- I've been really lucky, I know! I'm so happy that everything's working out, and I'm so happy to come on here and see so many people are making it work too!
    • #493
    #493

    Seeing her tomorrow for the first time after having not seen her for 2 months .... and she wants to talk about whether she still wants this relationship ......

    **** me :/
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    Ok hoping someone has some sort of experience with this but how easy is it to organise a surprise visit when in an international LDR? i'm in england while she is studying in france for the year. From leaving my house to getting to her flat is about 12 hours due to connecting flights and trains so it could be a hell of an operation to keep quiet.

    Basically i had this mad idea to surprise visit her on valentines day and assuming this isn't the week where she wants to go travelling, there is a couple of things which could cause issues

    - keeping it secret
    - at xmas we will be planning when we will see each other (probably i'll visit once and she'll visit once) so i'd need to some how dodge planning my visit without upsetting her too much.
    - making sure she doesn't plan anything- i've met her friends so i could get them to make sure she's not arranging anything.

    I also have a friend studying out there who lives close by so he could help me out with transport arrangements at the other end but just wondering how difficult this would be to pull off.
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    I'm currently on a gap year, having deferred,
    I don't know how my BF will cope next year, the trouble is he has very high expectations of how often we will see each other. I'm only a 2 hour train journey away (which is only £11 open return with a rail card) but he expects to see me 3 days a week, when in reality it's going to be more like a couple of times a month for a couple of days at a time. I've tried explaining this to him - I don't think he understands how many other commtments to him I will have (and he has his own work commitments).

    I haven't told him I will be spending a year abroad in Japan yet... at the moment he thinks it's France (I will be doing French and Japanese) Because I know when he finds out he will go spare. He's already admitted he was hoping I would change my mind about uni , and we've had many arguments about me going (which he is over now). I honestly don't know what he will say when he finds out he will not be able to see me at all for 8 months (unless I come back over christmas or something, which will probably be too expensive).
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    Twenty-four days until he comes to visit for 22 days . I am so bloody excited :woo:.

    We're spending New Year's in D.C.
    • #394
    #394

    (Original post by BabyfacedDom)
    Ok hoping someone has some sort of experience with this but how easy is it to organise a surprise visit when in an international LDR? i'm in england while she is studying in france for the year. From leaving my house to getting to her flat is about 12 hours due to connecting flights and trains so it could be a hell of an operation to keep quiet.

    Basically i had this mad idea to surprise visit her on valentines day and assuming this isn't the week where she wants to go travelling, there is a couple of things which could cause issues

    - keeping it secret
    - at xmas we will be planning when we will see each other (probably i'll visit once and she'll visit once) so i'd need to some how dodge planning my visit without upsetting her too much.
    - making sure she doesn't plan anything- i've met her friends so i could get them to make sure she's not arranging anything.

    I also have a friend studying out there who lives close by so he could help me out with transport arrangements at the other end but just wondering how difficult this would be to pull off.
    I think it's a lovely idea.

    Firstly - I'd check her term dates.
    Secondly - you could tell her that you're having something delivered to her house in France on Valentines day that she *has* to be there for
    Thirdly - def. ask her friends to keep an ear on the group and deter any trip planning around Feb. 14th! Definitely doable, just gotta be sneaky.
    Fourthly - ask her when she's going travelling, what dates, maybe say that you might be able to come along and would need to know for work/uni?

    As for Christmas, just don't say anything about 'next time'. If you need to, make up a date in Easter.
 
 
 
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