The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

Though not in a permanent LDR my boyfriend is away travelling for 12 weeks. I think we'll be ok, however we have very little contact as he is in pretty remote areas. He gets back the day after I go to Africa for a fortnight.

Things are going fine (I think/hope/keep telling myself) but the other day he texted to say 'Just thought I'd text to say I love you'. We really aren't a romantic couple at all and now I am worried :frown:

probably irrationally I know, but I won't hear from him for 2 weeks now and it is really nagging at me.

Anyone got any tips for pushing your other half out your mind? It's not helping with the whole productive focus on work thing.

Reply 9422

68beats

6

Original post by redferry

Though not in a permanent LDR my boyfriend is away travelling for 12 weeks. I think we'll be ok, however we have very little contact as he is in pretty remote areas. He gets back the day after I go to Africa for a fortnight.

Things are going fine (I think/hope/keep telling myself) but the other day he texted to say 'Just thought I'd text to say I love you'. We really aren't a romantic couple at all and now I am worried :frown:

probably irrationally I know, but I won't hear from him for 2 weeks now and it is really nagging at me.

Anyone got any tips for pushing your other half out your mind? It's not helping with the whole productive focus on work thing.

I can give you the advice I gave myself awhile ago. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, spending most of the time miles away from one another. There were days before when I was just so wrapped up into the idea of demanding his attention, whining when he couldn't make it to our nightly skype chat. But I realized it's pointless because the man loves me enough and I trust him enough to know that some quality time apart won't be that bad. Actually, it kinda makes him adoring and missing me more. Go figure! lol
My point is, just leave him missing you for those two weeks and believe me, when you are together again it will be amazing. As for the text, I think he just wanted to make you smile. Go ahead, tell him that you love him. :smile:

Reply 9423

Original post by redferry

Though not in a permanent LDR my boyfriend is away travelling for 12 weeks. I think we'll be ok, however we have very little contact as he is in pretty remote areas. He gets back the day after I go to Africa for a fortnight.

Things are going fine (I think/hope/keep telling myself) but the other day he texted to say 'Just thought I'd text to say I love you'. We really aren't a romantic couple at all and now I am worried :frown:

probably irrationally I know, but I won't hear from him for 2 weeks now and it is really nagging at me.

Anyone got any tips for pushing your other half out your mind? It's not helping with the whole productive focus on work thing.

It's a good thing, In an LDR you need to put a little bit more effort in to show you're still happy, you dont have each others body language to go off anymore, me and my boyfriend became so much more affectionate when i moved away, its important to to outright tell each other how you feel because you cant really show it anymore, especially not if you wont hear from him again for two weeks.
Try keep yourself busy and surrounded by people, but if you need to be alone and just have "me time" (sounds dirty :tongue:

) then you should get it out your system, it stops you being moody with other people, usually im fine but i have moments when i'd rather be locked up in my room feeling sorry for myself while everyone else gets to be with their partners...envy's a sin i know but i dont care. Maybe find yourself a little project to do

LDR's are hard but everyone thinks it's in the "you'll get bored/lose feelings/break up" kind of way, i've personally found it hard because of how much i miss him and realise just how strong the feelings are...and i cant show him. At least you know its temporary and you have something to look forward to :smile:

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 9424

Original post by 68beats

I can give you the advice I gave myself awhile ago. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, spending most of the time miles away from one another. There were days before when I was just so wrapped up into the idea of demanding his attention, whining when he couldn't make it to our nightly skype chat. But I realized it's pointless because the man loves me enough and I trust him enough to know that some quality time apart won't be that bad. Actually, it kinda makes him adoring and missing me more. Go figure! lol
My point is, just leave him missing you for those two weeks and believe me, when you are together again it will be amazing. As for the text, I think he just wanted to make you smile. Go ahead, tell him that you love him. :smile:

Thanks

I guess I am just a major worrier! Because we only get the odd text/email nothing gets clarified and when this sort of thing happens I'm like 'aaaaah what if he is sad and not enjoying himself?!?!?'. Guess I need to learn to relax a little! Normally we spend most of our time being jokingly abusive, it's not like him to be actively say this sort of thing except when he is sad so hence the worry.

Reply 9425

Original post by Care-Free

It's a good thing, In an LDR you need to put a little bit more effort in to show you're still happy, you dont have each others body language to go off anymore, me and my boyfriend became so much more affectionate when i moved away, its important to to outright tell each other how you feel because you cant really show it anymore, especially not if you wont hear from him again for two weeks.
Try keep yourself busy and surrounded by people, but if you need to be alone and just have "me time" (sounds dirty :tongue:

) then you should get it out your system, it stops you being moody with other people, usually im fine but i have moments when i'd rather be locked up in my room feeling sorry for myself while everyone else gets to be with their partners...envy's a sin i know but i dont care. Maybe find yourself a little project to do

Hawell I'm more than busy enough with my uni work atm (12 hour work days, my fave) but it does mean I dwell on it more than I should as I'm spending a lot of the day on my own at a computer.

I just feel like he should be off enjoying himself and not worrying about me (well other than not running off with someone else that is :P)

LDR's are hard but everyone thinks it's in the "you'll get bored/lose feelings/break up" kind of way, i've personally found it hard because of how much i miss him and realise just how strong the feelings are...and i cant show him. At least you know its temporary and you have something to look forward to :smile:

Agreed! I was in a state when he left :frown:

Plus I am off again for 8 weeks in the summer! We need to coordinate our travels better in the future I think. The worst bit is not being able to speak to him for long periods, more than not being able to see him, because we are like best friends so I feel a bit lost sometimes. I'm like, oh I need to tell him that...oh wait....

Reply 9426

68beats

6

Original post by redferry

Thanks

I guess I am just a major worrier! Because we only get the odd text/email nothing gets clarified and when this sort of thing happens I'm like 'aaaaah what if he is sad and not enjoying himself?!?!?'. Guess I need to learn to relax a little! Normally we spend most of our time being jokingly abusive, it's not like him to be actively say this sort of thing except when he is sad so hence the worry.

Not a problem. :smile:

I am a major worrier as well and if you are at least a little bit like me, worrying without a reason and doubting him are just going to make you seem like a witch to your guy. Trust me! LOL
Just do your thing, don't make him feel like he is not loved, hence text him back some "i love you"s just because even though you aren't normally the romantic type we all need a bit of romance sometimes. :tongue:

Good luck, hun! I know that sometimes it can be really hard but with the right person it's worth it! PM me if you need someone to talk to. :smile:

Reply 9427

Original post by redferry

Hawell I'm more than busy enough with my uni work atm (12 hour work days, my fave) but it does mean I dwell on it more than I should as I'm spending a lot of the day on my own at a computer.

I just feel like he should be off enjoying himself and not worrying about me (well other than not running off with someone else that is :P)

Agreed! I was in a state when he left :frown:

Plus I am off again for 8 weeks in the summer! We need to coordinate our travels better in the future I think. The worst bit is not being able to speak to him for long periods, more than not being able to see him, because we are like best friends so I feel a bit lost sometimes. I'm like, oh I need to tell him that...oh wait....

Socialising helps, with people you're kind of forced to be distracted and put on a happy face...unless they're in couples and you wanna stab them in the throat, two of my friends have just got together and im happy for them but i want to pull their eyes out at the same time :P

He can have all the fun in the world and still be missing you, the feelings aren't mutually exclusive, Don't feel guilty, you're not reducing the quality of his travels, he's probably realising all his feelings for you just as you are for him, it'll be wonderful when you see each other :smile:

Write down everything you want to say when he's gone, or right a little diary and give it to him, its not quite the same as him immediately knowing but im sure he'll like to see that you're struggling as much as he no doubt is. And if you have everything you feel when he's gone written down on paper you wont forget how that feels while he's with you, it'll serve as a reminder of your feelings when you go through rough patches :smile:

It gets easier eventually but sometimes a little wave of miserable world hating angst comes over, just let it out and carry on, knowing there's an expiry date to the distance and you'll see him soon :smile:

Reply 9428

Original post by 68beats

Not a problem. :smile:

I am a major worrier as well and if you are at least a little bit like me, worrying without a reason and doubting him are just going to make you seem like a witch to your guy. Trust me! LOL
Just do your thing, don't make him feel like he is not loved, hence text him back some "i love you"s just because even though you aren't normally the romantic type we all need a bit of romance sometimes. :tongue:

Good luck, hun! I know that sometimes it can be really hard but with the right person it's worth it! PM me if you need someone to talk to. :smile:

Oh I don't doubt him at all! I'm just worried about him more than anything!
haha I told him that he is obviously trying to keep me sweet to get the football scores out of me but that I loved him too, I'm not one for outright soppyness.

Thankyou :smile:

Reply 9429

Original post by Care-Free

Socialising helps, with people you're kind of forced to be distracted and put on a happy face...unless they're in couples and you wanna stab them in the throat, two of my friends have just got together and im happy for them but i want to pull their eyes out at the same time :P

I only really get this with totally ott PDA-ing couples, had two couples of friends staying with me last weekend and it didn't really get to me at all. Mind you they are long distance anyway. Mind you I hate ott PDA-ing couples at the best of times in all honesty, it is just awkward =/

He can have all the fun in the world and still be missing you, the feelings aren't mutually exclusive, Don't feel guilty, you're not reducing the quality of his travels, he's probably realising all his feelings for you just as you are for him, it'll be wonderful when you see each other :smile:

Write down everything you want to say when he's gone, or right a little diary and give it to him, its not quite the same as him immediately knowing but im sure he'll like to see that you're struggling as much as he no doubt is. And if you have everything you feel when he's gone written down on paper you wont forget how that feels while he's with you, it'll serve as a reminder of your feelings when you go through rough patches :smile:

Haha this is exactly what I am doing! I write every day, trying to limit it to 1 A4 page per day which is a bit of a task. We must talk an awful lot normally I have realised =/ Will drop it off at his house with a new ipod (his has broken) and few things of his that he has lent me before I head off so he can come home and read it when he gets back.

It gets easier eventually but sometimes a little wave of miserable world hating angst comes over, just let it out and carry on, knowing there's an expiry date to the distance and you'll see him soon :smile:

It's not as bad as it was at the start but I am at that horrible point where I'm 5 weeks down and still 9 to go! Seems like forever.

Although its probably good he is away atm because I am so busy! That thought does keep me positive.

Reply 9430

Original post by redferry

I only really get this with totally ott PDA-ing couples, had two couples of friends staying with me last weekend and it didn't really get to me at all. Mind you they are long distance anyway. Mind you I hate ott PDA-ing couples at the best of times in all honesty, it is just awkward =/

Haha this is exactly what I am doing! I write every day, trying to limit it to 1 A4 page per day which is a bit of a task. We must talk an awful lot normally I have realised =/ Will drop it off at his house with a new ipod (his has broken) and few things of his that he has lent me before I head off so he can come home and read it when he gets back.

It's not as bad as it was at the start but I am at that horrible point where I'm 5 weeks down and still 9 to go! Seems like forever.

Although its probably good he is away atm because I am so busy! That thought does keep me positive.

You're better than me then :P i want to strangle anyone..apart from the couples who are also in LDR's then i have a mix of happiness and murderous thoughts...

You sound like you know how to cope already, everyone deals in different ways, i wouldn't be doing nearly as well as you with such long periods between talking, we skype 3 days a week when he's not working nights.

I know what you mean, my partners coming up in two weeks and im just getting impatient now, it's that "so close but so far" feeling that is just frustrating.
I agree, i'd love to see my boyfriend but i've got so much coursework and stuff to do that i'll probably just feel like my attention is being stretched and i'll just get pissy :P

You'll be fine, keeping busy will make the time fly, you know you'll be seeing him soon and just focus on that when you get down about it, both of you will have realised how strong your feelings are, it should make the relationship stronger too :smile:

Reply 9431

cul-de-sac

Original post by Care-Free

just feel like my attention is being stretched and i'll just get pussy :P

cyberz the waay togo on skype,

Reply 9432

Original post by cul-de-sac

cyberz the waay togo on skype,

...apart from the fact i said "pissy"...and im with a guy...none of that for me :frown:

Reply 9433

AB25

10

Hello, i've never used this thread before but think it looks good :smile:

i've been in a LDR with my boyfriend for about 5 months- and its pretty much set to stay that way as i'm a student and he lives back home (about 120 miles away) where he works in a hotel.

I'm finding the whole thing overwhelming. It feels like i've reached breaking point and just want out. Never felt so in love yet so heartbroken at the same time. I cannot keep doing this to myself. Everyone says 'think positive' but its the most useless piece of advice ever.

I hate to put a downer on this thread, sorry. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm so close to ending it with him and feel devastated. He's gonna be totally hearbroken, as am I, even though we've seen this break up coming for a while.

Just had to put it out there. :frown:

Reply 9434

Anonymous #508

What is it with being in a LDR, not being able to see bf for ages due to his work and you just get couples shoved down your throat wherever you go. Not that i'm jealous of any of them but I just wish I could have some happiness in what's been a hard time :/

Self pitying rant over.

Reply 9435

blue n white army

16

Original post by AB25

Hello, i've never used this thread before but think it looks good :smile:

i've been in a LDR with my boyfriend for about 5 months- and its pretty much set to stay that way as i'm a student and he lives back home (about 120 miles away) where he works in a hotel.

I'm finding the whole thing overwhelming. It feels like i've reached breaking point and just want out. Never felt so in love yet so heartbroken at the same time. I cannot keep doing this to myself. Everyone says 'think positive' but its the most useless piece of advice ever.

I hate to put a downer on this thread, sorry. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm so close to ending it with him and feel devastated. He's gonna be totally hearbroken, as am I, even though we've seen this break up coming for a while.

Just had to put it out there. :frown:

have you by any chance seen him recently? cos I find that when we say goodbye I feel really down for a few days, when i came back after xmas I just sat alone in my room thinking "i hate this so much" once i got into a routine it was fine.

Make sure that you've got good communication as well, I manage to say good morning and good night to my gf nearly everyday and she is abroad, yet we dont smother each other during the day, we just talk when we're free and then skype when we need to.

What you're feeling could well be a phase just try and ride it out.

The way I see breaking up due to distance is

problem: I don't get to see you as often as I would like

solution a: break up thus never seeing each other (in a bf/gf kidna way atleast) which also brings in complications when you go home and maybe have to hang around with him/ be near him- awkward

solution b: ride it out, nothing in life is simple so you may as well stick at it.

Reply 9436

lonelykatana

17

Hello.
Advice would be appreciated if possible, I'll try and keep it short and right to the point :smile:

I'm a first year (did another course last year, dropped out and started again), my girlfriend is a second year.
We've been in a proper relationship for 5 years, we have literally grown up around each other.

My girlfriend is on a course with the option to study abroad;
To make a long story short (lots of unhappiness, arguing and so on...) she told me she wouldn't be going on this year abroad and that she would live with my next year.
I found this hard to believe so she promised me. We started to look for housing until at the last minute (almost two weeks ago now) she told me she was going to go on this year abroad - Which is a massive deal to me, or her to tell me for months that she wasn't going to go, and then turn around at the last minute and say she is going has ruined so much trust we had. Added to the fact I've been left with nowhere to live, as all my current flat mates and course mates have found housing :frown:

I'm finding it very hard to even be around her, never mind trust her

I'm now faced with the possibility of living somewhere where I'll inevitably be unhappy (which is part of the reason I hated my year at uni last year so much. It sent me into a pretty deep depression. The thought of going through it again, but without the support of my girlfriend is frankly terrifying) and not seeing my girlfriend properly for over 9 months.
9 months might not seem like a long time, but when the longest you've been apart is around two and a half weeks in 5 years it seems like an age.
She'll be going to Vancouver, so speaking to each other would be at a minimum too due to the time difference and it would be very hard to work around that.

I genuinely want to work through it, as does she.
But every single part of my heart and brain is telling me that it would not work. We are not the sort of relationship that can fight through things like this, never have been.
Not to mention the fact I have so little trust for her now, I wouldn't be able to believe she wasn't getting close to other guys/falling out of love with me and so on.

I tried to break up with her (Not as an ultimatum, or to try and get her to stay. I did it because of how hurt I was and how I don't want to feel ****ty from now until she comes back.). She allowed it to happen, which without sounding like I'm feeling sorry for my self, just made me feel worthless to be honest - As if this relationship doesn't mean all the things she says it means to her.

I understand how important going is to her, and what an opportunity it is.
I'm terrified I'll lose everything we have, I'm terrified she'll gradually lose interest (as will I).
The whole thing is really upsetting me.
I'm literally fighting everything my head is telling me, I don't want to be one of them couples that tries a long distance relationship only for it to not work.
But in the same breathe, I don't want to lose this relationship.

This is a massively simplified form of whats really going on, please keep that in mind. There is obviously so many other thoughts and feelings going on for both of us, but this is the basics.
How the hell do we do this, while keeping the relationship here for her to come back to when she finally comes back for her final year at uni here.
How often do relationships that had their flame slowly dim while they were away fall back into place when each partner is back together properly?

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 9437

Original post by lonelykatana

X

Or lordy quite a predicament!

My first thought - studying abroad is a huge huge opportunity that could help pave her way through life and give her experiences she can only imagine otherwise, she'd be a total idiot not to take it

Second thought - she shouldn't have promised not to go, she shouldn't have give you such a certain answer when she quite obviously hadn't really made up her mind and pulling out at the last minute has caused a lot of trouble, however its better she did it now that AFTER you signed for a house together, its not too late to find a house share or a lodging and you can try to have some input on who you stay with - try putting an add on gumtree or something.

The break up situation - you weren't the only one hurt and angry, from her point of view, you're trying to prevent her having this amazing experience of going abroad, from her point of view that's selfish and when you broke up with her out of hurt and anger she allowed it for the same reasons. Not only that but when you love someone you want them to be happy, whatever that takes, when they try to break up with you it sends a signal that they dont want to be with you (obviously) and they'd be happier without you thus letting them do it makes them happier...which is what you want..

I dont think you should try to stop her going abroad, it's an amazing opportunity and stopping her just to make your own life better would be selfish, you have every right to be mad that she broke a promise but all you can do now is try to see her point of view, work it out and find a house share or the smallest flat possible so you'll be sharing with as few people as you can manage.

"I wouldn't be able to believe she wasn't getting close to other guys/falling out of love with me and so on." - this is a problem you have to sort out now lack of trust will break a relationship like a twig and there's no point even trying if you're going to be getting paranoid.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 9438