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#1
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
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i've written an opening to a story and seriously like some opinons
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esralled
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First, and most importantly, change that font. Good god. I put it into Arial before even reading any of it.

Secondly, the best criticism is the things you've done wrong. Saying "this is fantastic" is pretty much always a lie and will not help you improve. So, keep that in mind, don't let it hurt your feelings, and - most importantly - keep writing! As it's short, I'll break it down bit by bit.

Long before I was born, a couple left the country of England to travel to Australia they heard it was a beautiful place and many of their friends moved out there as well.
This is a run-on sentence. There should be punctuation, either a comma or a full stop, after "Australia". It's also boring. If I wanted to read a news report about a couple moving from england to australia, this would be perfect. However, this is not a news report. Show us, don't tell us. Are they tired of the gloomy, rain-trodden cobbled streets of England that scar their days with a greyness that matches the morning sky? Do they dream of a sunlit beach and deep-blue sea, where they can wander aimlessly and let their thoughts play free like the children building sandcastles?

As rich as they were they were lonely and tried of the old city of London. They wanted adventure before they settle down and have a family together. Little did they know that decision would change their lives in ways they never thought possible.
Everything up to the last sentence is covered by what I said above. Also, you've already said that they moved from England. You're just repeating yourself by saying London now. Use London in the first part, everyone knows that London is in England.

Also, everyone knows that England is a country and London is a city, unless there is something severely wrong with you. You don't need to clarify it.

The last sentence is something that would take a long time to explain why it's bad in full detail, so I'll do my best to make a long story short. This is what you should slowly reveal throughout the novel, not what you should explain right at the start. To give an example - if you own the first Harry Potter book, pick it up now. If you don't, get it from a library. Find the part where J.K. Rowling writes

"Harry would make two close friends, Ron and Hermione. Little did they know, this friendship would be tested over many years."

Did you find it? That's because it's not there. It takes her an entire series of books to tell us that.

Soon after boarding the ship and leaving Australia a storm stared brewing, it changed from calm, gentle and beautiful to angry, violent and unpredictable in a very short amount of time.
Simply put, this is just bland. You've clearly learned about the "rule of three", which is good, and should be used. However, using it twice with a one word gap is too much and drags the sentence out too far. Moderation is key.

Also, a storm changing from 'calm' to 'violent' in a short amount of time is pretty much the dictionary definition of a storm. You wrote that a storm was brewing, and then you wrote it again, but with more words.

It's a somewhat difficult concept to understand, but most of a story takes place off the page. The author, essentially, gives as few prompts as possible for the reader to conjure up an image in their head. 'A storm started brewing' is enough for the reader to then infer the rest.

The waves towered skyward and was looking for targets in its vast dessert. It found its target and pushed the ship back and forth like an endless ride making all the passengers sick.

This is good. It's descriptive, it's exciting, it takes place directly in the action. I like this. Just carrying on what I said above, "making all the passengers sick" doesn't need to be there. If it really does need to be there - show, don't tell. Show us someone vomiting, or holding their mouth, or leaning over the side. That's much more exciting than "they were sick."

Water swept on the deck and stole the life of one 16-year-old child, and dragged his soul with it.
This is really nice. Sometimes clarity can get lost in trying to be too creative, but this is the perfect balance between the two.

The captain had to tell all the passengers to go back to their cabins as they had stumbled on an unexpected storm that had come out of nowhere.
But this is back to being boring again. Did the captain politely tell all the passengers individually to please go back to their cabins? Probably not. Perhaps the captain ordered them, perhaps he had to shout loud over the crashing waves, pushing the people who still couldn't hear him. Also, you've told us that an unexpected storm came out of nowhere. For the third time.

Like normal, the captain checked the weather before taking the ship out of the harbour. He would check multiple channels as even a small chance of a storm on the route they are taking could mean that they could be blown of course and end up in the middle of nowhere, which isn’t a great place to be. The captain was so confused on how the waters changed so fast as if it was God himself wanted to make the journey to be as terrible as he could make it.
This passage starts off incredibly weak and ends strong, for reasons I've already mentioned. The best way to fix that is to delete everything before "It was as if God himself..."

I'll leave it there because the last part is as equally weak as the other parts, but I've already mentioned why. Keep it up, you can only improve with practice.
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#3
Report Thread starter 2 months ago
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thank you so much for the feedback. would you like me to send the edited verison when i edit it?
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esralled
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Yeah, if you want to
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(Original post by esralled)
Yeah, if you want to
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