Anon or delete please, I have been traced.
I met a female(I be male) a few months ago when I was in a bad part of my life. Social anxiety, really self concious, low self esteem etc. She didn't seem to care or notice and we became friends quickly and started hanging out a lot more (1-3 times a week). I'm leaving out all the details because once again people would find out who I am.
Anyways, she has had a boyfriend throughout this entire time who she seems very happy with. Whenever its just her and I, I always take the other end of the couch, am careful not to touch her etc because I don't want to send the wrong message. As time has gone on though I can tell some of the things I do is very obvious and childish looking to not get too close. To be honest, I get closer to my guy friends than her x10. Lately I have felt very childish/disconnected with her because of this. I really have no idea how to handle how close physically do get with a female friend.
What do I do? Keep doing what I have been doing or is there a way to gradually get closer? Anyone have experiences with this they can share?
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How close is too close watch
- 15-07-2008 17:51
- 15-07-2008 18:08
Its not quite clear to me whether you want to get closer to her in relationship way or just that you want to feel comfortable in a friendship way. I think jt is the latter. If that is the case there is no reason why you have to get close to her if it is making your uncomfortable.
Its hard really to advice you as I am not sure what the situation is like at the moment but slowly getting close one small step at a time is probably what is going to be easier for you rather than just running up and hugging her. Maybe start by sitting closer to her on sofas or in social situations and then build up to hugging which is probably as close as most friends get.
I'm not sure if that is any help as I wasn't exactly clear what you were asking
- 15-07-2008 19:20
Closer to her in a comfortable friendship way. I feel like I make everything awkward and distance myself when I'm not really sure if there is a need to. I'm basically asking what I should do to not be so awkward, if it is awkward for me to distance myself, and whats "normal" for other male/female friends. I feel uncomfortable distancing myself, but I don't want to intrude too much
- 15-07-2008 19:27
Erm.. well I have have a very close girl-friend that has a boyfriend - and so long as he's not around I don't feel in the least bit uncomfortable with giving her hugs and sitting together on couches etc. She's fallen asleep on my bed loads of times when we've been watching movies and stuff.. I don't think any of this is particularly abnormal..
- 15-07-2008 19:30
The answer to this is that it's different with everyone and because you have acted so distant in the past she might mistake any closeness as sinister. You could just start with sitting next to her on the sofa - like 'hey, do you mind if I sit here?' kinda thing. Be careful not to cross the line with her though. She's in a relationship and probably sees you as a really good friend and will be devastated if you show other motives (had that happen to me many a time with guys I thought were just friends... )
Good luck with it. x
- 15-07-2008 19:36
Just act normal. If you're not comfy with it sit further away and stuff, but in general so long as you ain't sticking your hands up her skirt or something I wouldn't worry.
Hell, my best friend who happens to be a girl has a boyfriend who is also my friend and I grind and mosh with her in the rock places we go. And nothing comes of it because her bf understands it's just part of the scene, it's a laugh. And that's it. I have no desire to get inside her. Just make that clear and you'll be fine - she probably understands why you do this anyway, and wouldn't think you were up to anything if you sat a bit closer. -- Sounds like you're a bit infatuated the way you talk, if you want to progress with that tread carefully. If not, then do normal stuff and maintain whatever distance is comfortable, although just sitting next to her surely isn't a crime.
Might want to scope out her boyfriend's personality though, he might be a right tit of a super possessive control freak or something for all we know.
Good luck finding your comfort
- 15-07-2008 19:41
Thanks. I definitely have no motive to take things further with her, so I'll be careful not to cross the line. I myself have just been stupid and set the line wayyyy to far back to avoid that in the first place I think..
- 15-07-2008 22:50
Sit her down one day and tell her how important she is to you, and that she's like 'the sister [you] never had'.
I think after that you can probably do anything you want without sending out the wrong message.*
*although if you did then try and make a move, the message you would be sending out would be one of incest, and generally that's quite wrong.
Ps. May want to rephrase slightly if you actually do have a sister...!