Turn on thread page Beta
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by princess_123)
    What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

    Nacho chesse!
    Someone watches skins...
    Offline

    15
    I've not told this one since I was like 10, so please bear with me.

    The manager of the construction of a new housing estate employs 3 people: an Englishman (whom he puts in control of designing the houses); a Scotsman (who is in charge of building the houses) and a Chinese man (who is in charge of supplying the bricks to build the houses with). He goes on holiday for a month, after which he anticipates the houses will be built. However, upon his return, he finds that the houses haven't even been started. He is furious, goes straight to the Englishman, and demands of the Englishman a good explanation for why the houses haven't been built. "Well," says the Englishman, "I've designed the houses, the plans are right here, but that bloody Scottish guy hasn't built them yet." The manager then proceeds to question the Scotsman, who apologises. "I'm sorry, I've not built them, but only because that Chinese bloke hasn't supplied me with any bricks, and he's nowhere to be found." The manager is furious, and walks briskly around the site looking for the Chinese man. After about half an hour, the manager spots a huge pile of bricks.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Suddenly, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the bricks, shouting "SUPPLIIIIIIIIIEES!"


    [/awful]
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Love jokes threads..

    William Shakespeare goes into a pub and the bartender says

    "You can't come in here. you're Bard"

    not quite squeaky clean but oh well...

    A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

    The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

    The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

    The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

    The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

    After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

    The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Teofilo)
    Love jokes threads..

    William Shakespeare goes into a pub and the bartender says

    "You can't come in here. you're Bard"

    not quite squeaky clean but oh well...

    A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

    The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

    The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

    The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

    The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

    After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

    The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
    decent, decent.


    and yes, I did find the mexican joke funny, but it wasnt laugh out loud funny.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Every elephant joke.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by princess_123)
    Why did the Mexican throw his wife out the window?

    Tequila.

    Shamefully that made me laugh.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other, ''It's so hot in here''.

    The other one says ''AHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!''

    What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
    A pilot you freaking racist!
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    If you go cow tipping, and tip the cow halfway, it becomes lean beef. When it falls over, it becomes ground beef.

    And a similar one:
    "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!"

    Spoiler:
    Show
    So sorry sir, it was ground this morning.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Sick Puppy)
    What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
    Spoiler:
    Show
    see you next montyh


    :ninja:
    :rofl:
    Offline

    15
    (Original post by Papillon)
    I've posted this before, but once more won't hurt:

    A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what
    he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."

    She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realising that there is no one else worth
    talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?" He
    says, "Yes! I'll show you..."

    So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back
    into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again!"

    So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes
    back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to the bartender,
    "Give her a pint of what I'm having."

    She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and
    dies.

    The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real ******* when you're pissed."
    :rofl: heard it a million times before, but it's one of my favourites.
    Offline

    14
    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
    The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first.
    Den I come.
    Den two asses come together.
    I come once-a-more.
    Two asses, they come together again.
    I come again and pee twice.
    Then I come one lasta time."
    "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
    "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
    Offline

    15
    (Original post by Glutamic Acid)
    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
    The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first.
    Den I come.
    Den two asses come together.
    I come once-a-more.
    Two asses, they come together again.
    I come again and pee twice.
    Then I come one lasta time."
    "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
    "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
    :rofl:

    Damn the 28 day rep rule.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Papillon)
    Kid playing with his train in the kitchen: "ok you ****ing passengers, get on the train .... ok ****ing passengers get off the train now"
    Mother: "OK, I had it with all the swearing, go to your room"
    An hour later the mother feels bad and let the kid come back to his toy in the kitchen
    Kid: ok you good passengers, get on the train .... ok you good passengers get off the train now... and if you wanna complain about the hour delay, talk to the ***** at the sink"

    love it
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    Actually my favourite joke ever (though it's much better spoken)

    There's a woman sat on her sofa with her children. The first child turns around and asks "Mummy, why am I called Rose?"
    "Well darling, just after giving birth to you a rose petal fell on your head"

    The next child hears this, and so asks "Mummy, why am I called Daisy?"
    "Well Daisy, just after you were born a daisy fell on your head"

    Third child turns around
    "MAUUUMMMM." (said in a really weird crazy voice and go cross eyed when you say it)
    "Shut up fridge"

    :rofl:
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Nice one sick puppy.

    This one is alright as well:

    Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
    That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
    "I dreamt I had the best **** eva last night."
    The guy on the left side says,
    "That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
    The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    the seven dwarves were sat in the bathtub feeling happy



    ...so Happy got out and left.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by hannargh.)
    the seven dwarves were sat in the bathtub feeling happy



    ...so Happy got out and left.
    Hahaa i'm gonna remember this one for the future
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by princess_123)
    Hahaa i'm gonna remember this one for the future
    do!
    it's one of my bestest :yep:
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    a man walks into a bar. ouch!
 
 
 
Poll
Black Friday: Yay or Nay?
Useful resources
AtCTs

Ask the Community Team

Got a question about the site content or our moderation? Ask here.

Welcome Lounge

Welcome Lounge

We're a friendly bunch. Post here if you're new to TSR.

Groups associated with this forum:

View associated groups

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.