My resentment for my family won’t go away and i can’t see a happy ending for me

I’m bubbly, confident and funny to everyone at uni. What they don’t know is i’m crippled by childhood trauma that i cant forget. I grew up in a good home, my dad has a good job and i always got exactly what i wanted.

but I’m fat. I’ve always been bigger and taller than everyone else and now i’m 5’10. I weigh about 77kg so yeah i’m a size 12/14. This flaw has been ingrained into my
head since i was 7. I’m not going to go on and list stories of my trauma because it’s just too long and no one cares. Long story short i was told by my brothers and mum (mainly my mum) that i’m fat and i need to diet as a child. It wasn’t my mother’s fault she fed me these foods it was my job as a 10 year old to moniter what i ate. Flash forward and i’m 21 - everything i buy and do and eat and talk
about involves me being fat. My friends at uni told me this upbringing and behaviour was not normal which is where i began to question everything. I stopped speaking to my mum last summer after she called me fat and said she only says it to help me because who else will be honest. 2 months later she calls me and was super nice, i thought things had changed until she called me a month later reminding me to diet because she doesn’t want me to be fat for christmas this year. Instantly the topic makes me burst into tears seeing as my weight is constantly on my mind anyways.

I’ve always been depressed but i notice to more when i come home from uni. I have a loving boyfriend who adores me and my body (idk but he says he thinks it’s perfect ? i don’t believe him but he’s said it for over a year so i’m guessing he doesn’t mind that i’m fat and chooses to lie to me lol) and my friends have told me i’m not fat since they met me - they say my mums a liar and they get mad when i keep saying i look fat in outfits when we go clubbing - they probably just want me to feel better and i’m grateful they try.

I am writing this in tears as my mum said i look fat when i tried on a new outfit for a party this week. I took pictures and showed my friends and they liked it. My mum started whispering to my sister in law about how tight i look and how my stomach is hanging out.

I’ve considered running away because my mental health is only bad at home. i need therapy and i’m already on anti depressants.

any advice would be appreciated because i really don’t know what to do, ive mentioned to my bro and he says i need help.

please anyone?

please anyone?

I'm guessing you have moved out for uni. I suggest you just go home for Christmas and then if she says anything to you let her know about how upsetting it actually makes u feel. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this and unless ur weight is unhealthy bmi u have nothing to worry about xxx

I’m bubbly, confident and funny to everyone at uni. What they don’t know is i’m crippled by childhood trauma that i cant forget. I grew up in a good home, my dad has a good job and i always got exactly what i wanted.

but I’m fat. I’ve always been bigger and taller than everyone else and now i’m 5’10. I weigh about 77kg so yeah i’m a size 12/14. This flaw has been ingrained into my
head since i was 7. I’m not going to go on and list stories of my trauma because it’s just too long and no one cares. Long story short i was told by my brothers and mum (mainly my mum) that i’m fat and i need to diet as a child. It wasn’t my mother’s fault she fed me these foods it was my job as a 10 year old to moniter what i ate. Flash forward and i’m 21 - everything i buy and do and eat and talk
about involves me being fat. My friends at uni told me this upbringing and behaviour was not normal which is where i began to question everything. I stopped speaking to my mum last summer after she called me fat and said she only says it to help me because who else will be honest. 2 months later she calls me and was super nice, i thought things had changed until she called me a month later reminding me to diet because she doesn’t want me to be fat for christmas this year. Instantly the topic makes me burst into tears seeing as my weight is constantly on my mind anyways.

I’ve always been depressed but i notice to more when i come home from uni. I have a loving boyfriend who adores me and my body (idk but he says he thinks it’s perfect ? i don’t believe him but he’s said it for over a year so i’m guessing he doesn’t mind that i’m fat and chooses to lie to me lol) and my friends have told me i’m not fat since they met me - they say my mums a liar and they get mad when i keep saying i look fat in outfits when we go clubbing - they probably just want me to feel better and i’m grateful they try.

I am writing this in tears as my mum said i look fat when i tried on a new outfit for a party this week. I took pictures and showed my friends and they liked it. My mum started whispering to my sister in law about how tight i look and how my stomach is hanging out.

I’ve considered running away because my mental health is only bad at home. i need therapy and i’m already on anti depressants.

any advice would be appreciated because i really don’t know what to do, ive mentioned to my bro that i don’t want to live and he says i need help.

A size 12/14 is not fat. Your mother has issues around weight for some reason, nothing to do with you. Maybe she is insecure about her own weight or thinks that women need to be slim to be loved.

You shouldn't run away from home as you need them while you are young - but you could only visit for a few days over Christmas and return to uni as soon as possible. In the end, you need to learn to love yourself and focus on the many good things in your life that other people would envy - you are at uni, you have friends at uni, you have a nice boyfriend - and not the negatives (your toxic mother). I'm sorry to hear that you are on anti depressants for a "problem" that is in your mother's head. If you are not already on the waiting list for counselling/therapy then get yourself on the waiting list at home and at uni

Her own mother was probably incredibly abusive. Yeah she doesn’t know about my boyfriend and says no man wil ever marry me looking the way I do. And that it’s only going to get worse.

Thanks so much for your message
I don’t believe that i’m not fat but your support means a lot.

Her own mother was probably incredibly abusive. Yeah she doesn’t know about my boyfriend and says no man wil ever marry me looking the way I do. And that it’s only going to get worse.

Thanks so much for your message
I don’t believe that i’m not fat but your support means a lot.

It might be worth seeking help when you return to university as it is also having a huge impact on your wellbeing. I'm sorry about what you're going through OP.

I am so sorry about this. I had a similar problem with my ( now late) mum.

She would tell me I was a burden etc that she didn’t want me. It was even worse when she died. I found an account of when we went on holiday in a group. Everyone else was mentioned in the diary except for me- and there were quite a lot of funny stories about me on that holiday she could have committed to paper. There was the proof that she didn’t love me. When my husband left me she said I would be a lonely old lady and nobody would ever love me.

What I mean to say is that there is nothing wrong with either of us. Both our mums have issues. At least you have a lovely boyfriend who tells it like it is. That you are attractive and not fat at all. This is also the consensus of all the other people in this thread, including me.

When I was having problems with my parents I was on antidepressants, I didn’t feel any better, so I hardly saw my parents at all. That cured me instantly and the doctors were really impressed, saying “physician heal thyself”. It was my parents who were making me feel low. I threw away the antidepressants and have never looked back.

Your mother is making a massive mistake in the way she is treating you. Hasn’t she heard the saying “your children aren’t yours, they are just lent to you?” You will make a future with your boyfriend or another partner and she will spend the rest of her days wondering why you only want minimal contact with her.

Chin up, lady and enjoy your Christmas knowing that you have our love and support. xx