Can anyone mind checking my creative writing?

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Panicky student
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Hey guys, I want to start practising my creative writing since I am not that good at it.
Would anyone mind helping me to improve as well giving me tips on what I should continue doing and what should I do to improve.
Any new vocabulary you want me to use as well as any amazing metaphor or anaphor (any interesting literature device) would be great!
Thank you
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Panicky student
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Tolgash
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I would check it, but I'm worried that I might break my neck in the process.
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Panicky student
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(Original post by Tolgarda)
I would check it, but I'm worried that I might break my neck in the process.
Oh ok sorry let me repost the picture
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Panicky student
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Foreverneek
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Check punctuation of dialogue and use of semi-colon (join two independent clauses / replace and or but).

Good use of triplet; however, can a balloon have weather and can this be controlled?

Fired breathed out rather than ‘fire was breathing’? Check tenses and verb construction.

Some lovely imagery focussed on the fire.

The sentence beginning ‘the wind was somehow’ does not make grammatical sense - check for missing words / rearrange your punctuation for more fluid reading.

‘Allow us a safe journey’ is odd grammar. Check phrasing.

‘Impenetrable darkness surrounded forest’ - check grammar e.g. an impenetrable, dark forest.

Some varied vocabulary.

I’m going to assume that you are responding to the story prompt. This is a good start; however, narratives require a problem - while you hint at this with the weather, it doesn’t form a significant part of your writing. Usually, a story also requires a beginning, middle, and end - have a read about Freytag’s Pyramid for an idea of how a narrative is typically structured.

You are also missing paragraphs - you must have these to use structural features effectively.
Last edited by Foreverneek; 1 year ago
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Panicky student
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(Original post by Foreverneek)
Check punctuation of dialogue and use of semi-colon (join two independent clauses / replace and or but).

Good use of triplet; however, can a balloon have weather and can this be controlled?

Fired breathed out rather than ‘fire was breathing’? Check tenses and verb construction.

Some lovely imagery focussed on the fire.

The sentence beginning ‘the wind was somehow’ does not make grammatical sense - check for missing words / rearrange your punctuation for more fluid reading.

‘Allow us a safe journey’ is odd grammar. Check phrasing.

‘Impenetrable darkness surrounded forest’ - check grammar e.g. an impenetrable, dark forest.

Some varied vocabulary.

I’m going to assume that you are responding to the story prompt. This is a good start; however, narratives require a problem - while you hint at this with the weather, it doesn’t form a significant part of your writing. Usually, a story also requires a beginning, middle, and end - have a read about Freytag’s Pyramid for an idea of how a narrative is typically structured.

You are also missing paragraphs - you must have these to use structural features effectively.
Ok thanks will do
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Panicky student
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I haven’t finished yet, but thought I could shown you what I have done so far.
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Panicky student
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(Original post by Foreverneek)
Check punctuation of dialogue and use of semi-colon (join two independent clauses / replace and or but).

Good use of triplet; however, can a balloon have weather and can this be controlled?

Fired breathed out rather than ‘fire was breathing’? Check tenses and verb construction.

Some lovely imagery focussed on the fire.

The sentence beginning ‘the wind was somehow’ does not make grammatical sense - check for missing words / rearrange your punctuation for more fluid reading.

‘Allow us a safe journey’ is odd grammar. Check phrasing.

‘Impenetrable darkness surrounded forest’ - check grammar e.g. an impenetrable, dark forest.

Some varied vocabulary.

I’m going to assume that you are responding to the story prompt. This is a good start; however, narratives require a problem - while you hint at this with the weather, it doesn’t form a significant part of your writing. Usually, a story also requires a beginning, middle, and end - have a read about Freytag’s Pyramid for an idea of how a narrative is typically structured.

You are also missing paragraphs - you must have these to use structural features effectively.
I haven’t fished yet, would you mind checking them so far..
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Foreverneek
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(Original post by Panicky student)
I haven’t finished yet, but thought I could shown you what I have done so far.
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Realistically, it will be difficult to write this volume of work in the given time frame. Keep it short but crafted. I usually tell my students to aim for 2-3 pages (though this is not an exact science!).

Check semi-colon use. It joins together two interlinked, independent clauses e.g. 'I finished my book; I went to buy another one' (here, the semi-colon replaces 'so' or 'and')

Again, the balloon cannot have weather.

At points, it is difficult to read your handwriting.

Paragraphs e.g. after closing the 'worn wooden basket' and before 'a sudden movement'.

'feel the scent' - grammar. This is physically impossible.

Spelling - 'chirping' and 'mundane'.

Punctuation and use of apostrophes (check punctuation of 'its').

Odd description of the weather at points - it comes across as contradictory and inconsistent. How can a sun be solemn? Perhaps you are referring to clouds over the sun which dim its light? If you are trying to foreshadow, make it explicit.

'despite everything' - what do you mean?

'Jesper at last finished' - through the previous description, it seemed like this happened some time ago.

'inches away' - what is happening here?

Check spelling - balloon, ominous, ragged.

More paragraphing needed.

Vary sentence openings - e.g. avoid 'the' or opening with a noun.

Keep your plot small - near death / death experiences are difficult to deal with in a short space of time. Consider, for example, the balloon taking a dangerous dip or a rope coming loose. These are more realistic examples and they are small enough that you can describe them in sufficient detail, really exaggerating the drama without compromising the integrity of your plot development.

I am unsure what the mother has to do with the plot - it read as an odd tangent. When reading, it was confusing as it was not made clear that your narrator's mother was there. It detracted from the focus on the plot. More discourse markers needed throughout.

Check grammar - 'was perished' / 'hurdled'.
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Panicky student
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Sorry, That I couldn’t have replied to you sooner.
But I have read the your reply.
Thank you so much for helping me so far

(Original post by Foreverneek)
Realistically, it will be difficult to write this volume of work in the given time frame. Keep it short but crafted. I usually tell my students to aim for 2-3 pages (though this is not an exact science!).

Check semi-colon use. It joins together two interlinked, independent clauses e.g. 'I finished my book; I went to buy another one' (here, the semi-colon replaces 'so' or 'and')

Again, the balloon cannot have weather.

At points, it is difficult to read your handwriting.

Paragraphs e.g. after closing the 'worn wooden basket' and before 'a sudden movement'.

'feel the scent' - grammar. This is physically impossible.

Spelling - 'chirping' and 'mundane'.

Punctuation and use of apostrophes (check punctuation of 'its').

Odd description of the weather at points - it comes across as contradictory and inconsistent. How can a sun be solemn? Perhaps you are referring to clouds over the sun which dim its light? If you are trying to foreshadow, make it explicit.

'despite everything' - what do you mean?

'Jesper at last finished' - through the previous description, it seemed like this happened some time ago.

'inches away' - what is happening here?

Check spelling - balloon, ominous, ragged.

More paragraphing needed.

Vary sentence openings - e.g. avoid 'the' or opening with a noun.

Keep your plot small - near death / death experiences are difficult to deal with in a short space of time. Consider, for example, the balloon taking a dangerous dip or a rope coming loose. These are more realistic examples and they are small enough that you can describe them in sufficient detail, really exaggerating the drama without compromising the integrity of your plot development.

I am unsure what the mother has to do with the plot - it read as an odd tangent. When reading, it was confusing as it was not made clear that your narrator's mother was there. It detracted from the focus on the plot. More discourse markers needed throughout.

Check grammar - 'was perished' / 'hurdled'.
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Panicky student
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#12
(Original post by Foreverneek)
Realistically, it will be difficult to write this volume of work in the given time frame. Keep it short but crafted. I usually tell my students to aim for 2-3 pages (though this is not an exact science!).

Check semi-colon use. It joins together two interlinked, independent clauses e.g. 'I finished my book; I went to buy another one' (here, the semi-colon replaces 'so' or 'and')

Again, the balloon cannot have weather.

At points, it is difficult to read your handwriting.

Paragraphs e.g. after closing the 'worn wooden basket' and before 'a sudden movement'.

'feel the scent' - grammar. This is physically impossible.

Spelling - 'chirping' and 'mundane'.

Punctuation and use of apostrophes (check punctuation of 'its').

Odd description of the weather at points - it comes across as contradictory and inconsistent. How can a sun be solemn? Perhaps you are referring to clouds over the sun which dim its light? If you are trying to foreshadow, make it explicit.

'despite everything' - what do you mean?

'Jesper at last finished' - through the previous description, it seemed like this happened some time ago.

'inches away' - what is happening here?

Check spelling - balloon, ominous, ragged.

More paragraphing needed.

Vary sentence openings - e.g. avoid 'the' or opening with a noun.

Keep your plot small - near death / death experiences are difficult to deal with in a short space of time. Consider, for example, the balloon taking a dangerous dip or a rope coming loose. These are more realistic examples and they are small enough that you can describe them in sufficient detail, really exaggerating the drama without compromising the integrity of your plot development.

I am unsure what the mother has to do with the plot - it read as an odd tangent. When reading, it was confusing as it was not made clear that your narrator's mother was there. It detracted from the focus on the plot. More discourse markers needed throughout.

Check grammar - 'was perished' / 'hurdled'.
And was now that you gave me the feedback, I see that I did lots of mistakes. thank you for that. Really appreciate it.
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Panicky student
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(Original post by Foreverneek)
Realistically, it will be difficult to write this volume of work in the given time frame. Keep it short but crafted. I usually tell my students to aim for 2-3 pages (though this is not an exact science!).

Check semi-colon use. It joins together two interlinked, independent clauses e.g. 'I finished my book; I went to buy another one' (here, the semi-colon replaces 'so' or 'and')

Again, the balloon cannot have weather.

At points, it is difficult to read your handwriting.

Paragraphs e.g. after closing the 'worn wooden basket' and before 'a sudden movement'.

'feel the scent' - grammar. This is physically impossible.

Spelling - 'chirping' and 'mundane'.

Punctuation and use of apostrophes (check punctuation of 'its').

Odd description of the weather at points - it comes across as contradictory and inconsistent. How can a sun be solemn? Perhaps you are referring to clouds over the sun which dim its light? If you are trying to foreshadow, make it explicit.

'despite everything' - what do you mean?

'Jesper at last finished' - through the previous description, it seemed like this happened some time ago.

'inches away' - what is happening here?

Check spelling - balloon, ominous, ragged.

More paragraphing needed.

Vary sentence openings - e.g. avoid 'the' or opening with a noun.

Keep your plot small - near death / death experiences are difficult to deal with in a short space of time. Consider, for example, the balloon taking a dangerous dip or a rope coming loose. These are more realistic examples and they are small enough that you can describe them in sufficient detail, really exaggerating the drama without compromising the integrity of your plot development.

I am unsure what the mother has to do with the plot - it read as an odd tangent. When reading, it was confusing as it was not made clear that your narrator's mother was there. It detracted from the focus on the plot. More discourse markers needed throughout.

Check grammar - 'was perished' / 'hurdled'.
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Panicky student
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(Original post by Panicky student)
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Would you mind telling me how to improve further
Was this better than before?
Can you give a list of good vocabulary with example.
Thank you
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