In 2019 I have been in 3 relationships, 2 of which are probably just rebounds from the first. At the beginning of the year I was in a committed relationship with “C” and we broke off in April time. We were long distance and have been together for almost a year. When we broke up in April, I went through the darkest and the most depressing moments, I have completely lost myself. He was my first love and that was my first heartbreak so it broke me and shattered my heart into a million pieces. Then my ex before him came back and of course I felt super alone and had no one but he was there for me, he slowly caught feelings again then we began dating in June. Throughout the time were together I felt no connection and no love, it was more the sexual attention so soon after, about 3 weeks later we broke up because deep down I knew it was a rebound. Then during the summer I thought about “C” all the time and how I still missed him and clearly I wasn’t over him. When I was beginning to move on and focus on myself, another guy comes along. Let’s name him “B”. I want looking for anything but I think I was missing the attention and “B” came in a time when I was down and needy Without much thinking, I went into a new relationship with “B”. Obviously, it didn’t last long because I didn’t “love” him, not the way I loved “C” anyways. Soon after, about a month later we broke up because we both felt distant and there weren’t any real connections there. Now its December and I’ve been single for 3 months, my best friend, “O” told me that he had feelings for me and have had them for about a month now. Surprisingly I felt the same towards him, the week before his birthday when we kissed, I realised that I liked him and that I had feelings for him but never did anything about it as I thought he would never like me back as we are best friends. On his birthday, he initiated the first move and reassured each other that this feeling is mutual.
Although I like “O” so much and have such strong feelings about him, I am having second thoughts because I am also talking to other guys. Not in the same way with “O” but I don’t stop it when these guys flirt with me and tell them that they like me yet I don’t flirt back either. I feel like a terrible person and I am leading them on. However I cannot seem to find myself telling them to stop and its maybe because I crave the attention and I feel so insecure because of how broken I was since my first heartbreak. I am super confused and don’t know whether to go ahead with “O”, he’s such an amazing guy and we were best friends so I think we will have a good dynamic, we get along great and we know everything about each other. At the same time I cherish and value our friendship way too much for it to be ruined. Its too complicated but I don’t think he sees it the way I see it. I am not sure that after all tat has happened throughout the year, I am still capable of pouring my love into someone who I actually like this time. I am scared to enter into a new relationship because I don’t want to be hurt and especially how I actually like this guy, and that he’s my best friend. I don’t want to ruin anything and I care about “O” so much, which is why I feel like I am a terrible person for talking to other guys and not putting and end to it. “O” has assured me that the feelings are mutual but I don’t know how our new relationship will work. With work, school and the reality, I don’t now how relationships work anymore. I have lost myself too many times and I am scared to commit into something that will only end up hurting me. Part of me still misses and thinks about “C” so I am unsure whether have fully let go of him or am I still not over “C”. 2019 has changed me so much: at the beginning of the year I would have been super loyal and fully committed however now I am not being loyal and doubting my commitment. I have learnt that I cannot trust guys and has built up this representation that they will always hurt me. I have lost most of my hope and faith in relationships and probably just tired of it. I don’t know whether to begin a new relationship with “O” and how it is going to work. I am so torn and tired. I believe I might be ready to begin something new but I think I should also start trusting and being positive and that it might be time I finally move on to something new. What do I do ? Please help me.