The Student Room Group

Write a story about a time when things turned out unexpectedly

It was a sunny evening; the sun was slowly starting to set. Leaving an iridescent, pink and blue hue. It was mesmerizing to see. The smell of sweet violets slowly, but gently swayed in through my nose. The wind howled and blew past my scorching skin. It felt soothing like an ointment for pain. The green grass tickled my skin as I lay my head and starred at the beauty of the sky. The trees stood there, towering high like they are concealing something. Every time the wind blew, the trees danced to song of the wind like they were ecstatic.
My girl was coming to see me. A feeling of euphoria ran through my body. She was here. The smell of strong coco channel swayed in the air. It had a sense of sweetness and timidness. Her Persian olive skin was flawless. Her pink lips extenuated her well-structured cheekbones. Every time she smiled; dimples appeared on the side of cheeks. It almost represented the innocence of her character. As we talked, our eyes locked her beautiful blue eyes investigated mine. They were sapphire blue. They looked like a drop of blue paint in a pool of white paint. Her eyes spoke a million words. I could see the images of us together for an infinite amount of time and us as a family. Our love was inevitable. It was bound to happen. As days went past, our love grew like roots of trees blossoming into these beautiful trees.
Then one day, she asked me” I have a challenge for you. You have to live a day without me.No communication at all and if you pass I will love forever”
I thought in my head it was a strange request, but to express my love and to be with her forever I will do anything. So I agreed to it. It was difficult at first because all that went through my head was her. It worried me that I wouldn’t know if she was ok or not.
Next day, I wore my best clothes and groomed myself and put my favourite cologne. I felt exuberant to see her again. It felt like being released from jail. The agony and pain I felt was inexplicable. I came to her house and opened the door.
I called her name, “Violet,Violet,Violet!”
Yet there was no answer. The silence was deafening. It felt like a knot slowly tightening in my stomach. A putrid and pungent smell came from the kitchen. I thought it was just some gone off food. I walked to open the door. I could hear the ticking of the clock so loud and clear. The body lay there lifeless like a heartbreaking story. Her brown hair lay by her side. It was so limp. Her eyes were dull but vacant. Her lips had had a hue of blue contrasting her still pink cheeks. The crimsons of red bleed through her ivory white dress. The dagger was dug deep just leaving the wooden handle. Tears slowly rolled through my cheeks. The feeling that she won't be there any more was incomprehensible. A note lay by her side"You did it, baby, can you do it every day?"Love you xxx



What grade would give this?.I have always got grade 4 and 5 in exams.
Reply 1
This is actually quite good. Some things can definitely be improved. But something around grade 5 is fair.
Original post by Tolgarda
This is actually quite good. Some things can definitely be improved. But something around grade 5 is fair.

Thanks, what would you say to improve?
Original post by asubramanil16
Thanks, what would you say to improve?

It just because English is my worst
Reply 4
What grade did you get
That was really good, i'd say to improve, maybe don't make the ending so quick, describe his emotions, etc. Also, stick to one tense and check it over. You said 'the crimsons of red bleed through her ivory white dress', it should be bled, 'the feeling that she won't be there any more was incomprehensible' should be that she wouldn't be here anymore and 'tears slowly rolled through my cheeks' should be down my cheek. I'd also suggest using a single tear rolled down my cheek, and something linking it to be alone, just like him. It was a great storyline and i loved it.
(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by Tolgash
This is actually quite good. Some things can definitely be improved. But something around grade 5 is fair.

thats more like a grade 8 or 9

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