GCSE English Language Paper 2 Question 5 Response

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blobfish90
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Hi! So, I got a grade 5 in my last assessment for the English language so I have been practicing a ton on improving the way I write. I wrote a response to a question and it would be much appreciated if I could get feedback and a grade on it. This question is marked out of 40.

Write a letter to a newspaper company to express a point of view about the following statement.
“People with skill should be famous not people with money and good looks”

Dear Editor,
As a teenager myself, I- along with hundreds and thousands of other people- am a frequent user of social media. I understand the culture of fame, money, reality TV shows that give intrigued individuals a glimpse of what the life of a “successfully pretty” person might look like and motivate ordinary people such as myself to follow in their footsteps. I know that these systems have been put in place for our entertainment and to allow attractive people the opportunity to live luxurious lifestyles without needing any unique qualities. So why is this all going horribly wrong? Why are people such as myself, becoming imprisoned in what we have been conditioned to think is an undesirable body?

The fact is- this is not something to be overlooked- this is a serious problem.

Importantly, we must first recognize that in today’s westernized civilization, the lives of famous people are religiously followed. More importantly, the largest demographic that consume this content are impressionable adolescents. Some of them begin to become completely infatuated with the individuals they follow, idolizing the lifestyle they lead and the appearances they have. The reality is, these businesses are profiting off the fantasies of the ordinary. From a young age, we see these conventionally beautiful celebrities being masked as regular people. This is prevalent in many entertainment industries such as modeling. However, it embeds a detrimental mentality that can cause lasting damage to an individual’s self esteem as they grow older. The Kardashians, a well-known, successful family, proudly display their lavish lifestyles and unrealistic bodies over social media, catalyzing the spread of severe self-esteem issues across the minds of an alarming number of people. These attractive, rich influencers test our moral imperative to save younger children from spiraling into mental instability from trying to be their identical clones. Photo-shopped, faultless bodies that are plastered on billboards inflict many children to desperately hold themselves up to the standard of fictitious perfection.

Riches and expensive lifestyles that online personalities advertise online are recognized to be the optimal goal in our lives. Money is everything. The motto that seems to have been drilled into our heads from a young age heavily influences our decisions to abandon our dreams and aspirations for a goal that would be more “profitable”. In recent years, there is an increasing lack of aspiring reporters and authors due to the devaluation of education that the current social schemes of fame are inflicting. As social media usage is on the rise, jobs related to platforms such as YouTube are becoming progressively more and more popular. In fact, it could be argued that being an “influencer” was not considered to be a job 10 years ago. Yet, nowadays being an “influencer” on social platforms seems to be a job that generates the most income.

There are many attractive people posting videos online; however, only a small proportion of these people actually generate views and revenue. This undoubtedly makes it a fact, that an influencer’s sociable personality and ability to capture the attention of millions of views can definitely be considered as a skill. On top of that, in the case of the Kardashians, even though it seems like the family is only famous for their money and good looks; Kris Jenner must have the impressive business acumen to profit off her family drama.

Despite this, it is undeniable that alluring people have a head start in the celebrity industry as it becomes apparent from scrolling through Instagram that the majority of Influencers are most beautiful. Although it seems impossible for us to change the current social structure, it definitely is possible to educate young children about social media. Action must be taken to restrict the usage of social media for children at young ages as it is becoming apparent children as young as 10 years old are following charming celebrities online. The truth is rich, perfect celebrity culture has become like a cancerous disease. A malignant tumour that rapidly spreads and poisons neighboring, healthy cells. Yet, unless action is taken in order to prevent this lethal infection, there will be no hope to save this fatal mistake.

Yours faithfully,
a concerned teenager.
Last edited by blobfish90; 1 year ago
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Overall that was quite nice but you're here for improvements.

The thing that really struck me from the off was the frequent use of the first person. In the nicest way possible, this is not about you. Examiners love a bit of inclusive language so try to take things from a more analytical point of view and less personal. Try to talk about society as a whole, using we.

Also try to engage with us, the point is to be persuasive. If you're not engaging, that's simply not happening. Also more generally, put more emphasis on persuasion in itself rather than simply stating the facts. You need to do both but I think a better balance needs to be struck.

Punctuation is also important. I can't see a single colon or semi-colon. As unnecessary as they often may feel, these are easy fixes which can really bump up your marks. So try to put them wherever you are able to use them correctly. Edit: I did later find one Semi-colon, credit where it's due but I would generally aim for about 3 or 4

Lastly, this is a letter. The inclusion of postcodes is generally approved, they can be fictitious if you wish, they're just to show you know how to structure a formal letter. The same goes for having a date.

There was a lot of good in there as well, I'm not trying to sound harsh with what I said but I'm really trying to press down on what you can improve on.

Let me find a mark scheme. I'll edit this post later to give you my marks. If you have any questions in the meantime then feel free.

Edit: I'd give you probably 13 marks/24 for content and organisation and 12/16 for accuracy and punctuation. So about 25/40. I may be being a touch generous but examiners will be more generous than teachers will.

As I said though, if you have any questions feel free to ask. I did my GCSEs this year, got a 9 in English Language, my only 9 but I really struggled with English, for much of year 10 and 11, i was getting 5's and 6's. Got 5 in my mock as you did. However what I was really good at was the question 5's, really had to put in a lot of work in Q's 2, 3 and 4 on both papers to improve. I've been where you are and I know you can do it.
Last edited by Possibly this; 1 year ago
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blobfish90
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(Original post by Possibly this)
Overall that was quite nice but you're here for improvements.

The thing that really struck me from the off was the frequent use of the first person. In the nicest way possible, this is not about you. Examiners love a bit of inclusive language so try to take things from a more analytical point of view and less personal. Try to talk about society as a whole, using we.

Also try to engage with us, the point is to be persuasive. If you're not engaging, that's simply not happening. Also more generally, put more emphasis on persuasion in itself rather than simply stating the facts. You need to do both but I think a better balance needs to be struck.

Punctuation is also important. I can't see a single colon or semi-colon. As unnecessary as they often may feel, these are easy fixes which can really bump up your marks. So try to put them wherever you are able to use them correctly. Edit: I did later find one Semi-colon, credit where it's due but I would generally aim for about 3 or 4

Lastly, this is a letter. The inclusion of postcodes is generally approved, they can be fictitious if you wish, they're just to show you know how to structure a formal letter. The same goes for having a date.

There was a lot of good in there as well, I'm not trying to sound harsh with what I said but I'm really trying to press down on what you can improve on.

Let me find a mark scheme. I'll edit this post later to give you my marks. If you have any questions in the meantime then feel free.

Edit: I'd give you probably 13 marks/24 for content and organisation and 12/16 for accuracy and punctuation. So about 25/40. I may be being a touch generous but examiners will be more generous than teachers will.

As I said though, if you have any questions feel free to ask. I did my GCSEs this year, got a 9 in English Language, my only 9 but I really struggled with English, for much of year 10 and 11, i was getting 5's and 6's. Got 5 in my mock as you did. However what I was really good at was the question 5's, really had to put in a lot of work in Q's 2, 3 and 4 on both papers to improve. I've been where you are and I know you can do it.
Ahhh okay thank you so much for taking the time to give me feedback I will tweak my current response then based on what you have said. Have you got any examplar essays for question 5 that you did and got high marks on? If so much appreciated if you could send it to me so i can have a look.
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(Original post by blobfish90)
Ahhh okay thank you so much for taking the time to give me feedback I will tweak my current response then based on what you have said. Have you got any examplar essays for question 5 that you did and got high marks on? If so much appreciated if you could send it to me so i can have a look.
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This is an essay I did February last year. I got 32/40. I attached pictures of the question itself, the 2 pages of my typed essay after it had been marked and the mark sheet showing how I did. As you can see, Q5 was really my saving grace.

It's the AQA 2018 paper btw. I wish I had my actual GCSE essay to hand because I was very happy with that and I must have done well.

Also more general advice for the Q5's, moreso on paper 1 but for paper 2 too is to have fun with it. If you don't enjoy it, then no one else is going to so always be checking if you find it interesting.
Last edited by Possibly this; 1 year ago
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faysal12345678
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This is an essay I did February last year. I got 32/40. I attached pictures of the question itself, the 2 pages of my typed essay after it had been marked and the mark sheet showing how I did. As you can see, Q5 was really my saving grace.

It's the AQA 2018 paper btw. I wish I had my actual GCSE essay to hand because I was very happy with that and I must have done well.

Also more general advice for the Q5's, moreso on paper 1 but for paper 2 too is to have fun with it. If you don't enjoy it, then no one else is going to so always be checking if you find it interesting.
thank you so much!!!!!!!!!
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blobfish90
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(Original post by Possibly this)
Overall that was quite nice but you're here for improvements.

The thing that really struck me from the off was the frequent use of the first person. In the nicest way possible, this is not about you. Examiners love a bit of inclusive language so try to take things from a more analytical point of view and less personal. Try to talk about society as a whole, using we.

Also try to engage with us, the point is to be persuasive. If you're not engaging, that's simply not happening. Also more generally, put more emphasis on persuasion in itself rather than simply stating the facts. You need to do both but I think a better balance needs to be struck.

Punctuation is also important. I can't see a single colon or semi-colon. As unnecessary as they often may feel, these are easy fixes which can really bump up your marks. So try to put them wherever you are able to use them correctly. Edit: I did later find one Semi-colon, credit where it's due but I would generally aim for about 3 or 4

Lastly, this is a letter. The inclusion of postcodes is generally approved, they can be fictitious if you wish, they're just to show you know how to structure a formal letter. The same goes for having a date.

There was a lot of good in there as well, I'm not trying to sound harsh with what I said but I'm really trying to press down on what you can improve on.

Let me find a mark scheme. I'll edit this post later to give you my marks. If you have any questions in the meantime then feel free.

Edit: I'd give you probably 13 marks/24 for content and organisation and 12/16 for accuracy and punctuation. So about 25/40. I may be being a touch generous but examiners will be more generous than teachers will.

As I said though, if you have any questions feel free to ask. I did my GCSEs this year, got a 9 in English Language, my only 9 but I really struggled with English, for much of year 10 and 11, i was getting 5's and 6's. Got 5 in my mock as you did. However what I was really good at was the question 5's, really had to put in a lot of work in Q's 2, 3 and 4 on both papers to improve. I've been where you are and I know you can do it.
Wasn’t generous at all ahaha I got my teacher to mark it who is an examiner and he gave it 34 thanks for helping though
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Sakiudns
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(Original post by blobfish90)
Wasn’t generous at all ahaha I got my teacher to mark it who is an examiner and he gave it 34 thanks for helping though
hi im wanting to revise englidh lang
need helo with englih language questuoh 5 any tips plz
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(Original post by Sakiudns)
hi im wanting to revise englidh lang
need helo with englih language questuoh 5 any tips plz
Honestly the best way to improve is to practice. Sounds annoying and everyone says this but it’s true. Know what the Examiners are looking for which is usually a range of punctuation and sentence forms. If you are answering the description for paper 1 use metaphors etc, fancy vocabulary, personification and varied paragraph lengths for emphasis. Imagine how you analyse in English literature and notice all the techniques the author uses. You need to be able to easily notice what techniques you use to emphasise emotions in your writing. For example, you can use a simple sentence on one line to emphasise it further. For paper 2 the main point is persuasion. It’s easier to writ in first person here. Use rhetorical questions to back up your point and write about something you’re genuinely interested in and have a stand point. Always argue a point of view and take ONE SIDE only. I would recommend prewriting grade 9 metaphors, similes and descriptions that can be reused then getting it marked. You can memorise these before the exam and use it so you won’t be under pressure to bang out perfect paragraphs in exam conditions. This is what I did tbf and I went from a 5 to a 9 In a month. Trust me don’t stress and put the work in and results will show through
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(Original post by blobfish90)
Honestly the best way to improve is to practice. Sounds annoying and everyone says this but it’s true. Know what the Examiners are looking for which is usually a range of punctuation and sentence forms. If you are answering the description for paper 1 use metaphors etc, fancy vocabulary, personification and varied paragraph lengths for emphasis. Imagine how you analyse in English literature and notice all the techniques the author uses. You need to be able to easily notice what techniques you use to emphasise emotions in your writing. For example, you can use a simple sentence on one line to emphasise it further. For paper 2 the main point is persuasion. It’s easier to writ in first person here. Use rhetorical questions to back up your point and write about something you’re genuinely interested in and have a stand point. Always argue a point of view and take ONE SIDE only. I would recommend prewriting grade 9 metaphors, similes and descriptions that can be reused then getting it marked. You can memorise these before the exam and use it so you won’t be under pressure to bang out perfect paragraphs in exam conditions. This is what I did tbf and I went from a 5 to a 9 In a month. Trust me don’t stress and put the work in and results will show through
do u have any exemplar work or section 5 examplss
thankuuu
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(Original post by Sakiudns)
do u have any exemplar work or section 5 examplss
thankuuu
Welp my exams got cancelled so i literally have barely anything for paper 2. But, i have got a lot of descriptions which my tutor deemed grade 9 worthy.

Here are some of them:

Clouds lay grey and stoned above, for it was not they that mattered, yet the presence or absence of the sun. From gloomy, velvet clouds came sleek rain; it was strong enough to reach the skin in moments. And though they gave, they remain puffed all the same, as if the pride of their fullness was as wide as the sky. The sky was a thick blanket of fog hovering thirty feet or so from the frigid ground. Branches newly bereft of leaves stretch up toward it, disappearing into the white as their tips were yet to be painted on the brilliant canvas above. Beyond the clouds that promised rain, was the low and dark sky. By this time of day, the birds should have been singing and the horizon tinged with reds and pinks, oranges sometimes. But the weather was accountable to no-one and the trip could not be delayed.


The sun was a radiant, all-watching eye, its light creeping into every corner, bathing the whole world in a warm glow. Clouds dominated the morning sky leaving transitory patches of blue. Though they are mostly white, there is a hint of greyness, a suggestion that rain would play a part in the day to come. Heaven was leaking, dropping tints of gold onto Earth where the clouds were thin enough to let it through. A soft breeze tickled my soft skin, brushing against the leaves and composing harmonious whistles. Through the percussion of the wind came the birdsong, each a music to the other, together with an opera only nature gives. The sweet melody was the heart of the bird, freely given.


To the unaccustomed eye, the countryside was a beautiful swathe of rolling green divided by walls of mossy grey stone, picturesque by any standards. But to me, it was like a great quilt of golden, brown and green squares held together by the thick green stitching of the hedgerows. It rose and fell like giant waves on a gentle ocean and was dotted with animals. Occasionally there was a wood that separated the fields, or a farmhouse or barn.


I don't have a lot of description i guess but you should understand what i mean by range hopefully. i hope this is helpful for you
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(Original post by blobfish90)
Welp my exams got cancelled so i literally have barely anything for paper 2. But, i have got a lot of descriptions which my tutor deemed grade 9 worthy.

Here are some of them:

Clouds lay grey and stoned above, for it was not they that mattered, yet the presence or absence of the sun. From gloomy, velvet clouds came sleek rain; it was strong enough to reach the skin in moments. And though they gave, they remain puffed all the same, as if the pride of their fullness was as wide as the sky. The sky was a thick blanket of fog hovering thirty feet or so from the frigid ground. Branches newly bereft of leaves stretch up toward it, disappearing into the white as their tips were yet to be painted on the brilliant canvas above. Beyond the clouds that promised rain, was the low and dark sky. By this time of day, the birds should have been singing and the horizon tinged with reds and pinks, oranges sometimes. But the weather was accountable to no-one and the trip could not be delayed.


The sun was a radiant, all-watching eye, its light creeping into every corner, bathing the whole world in a warm glow. Clouds dominated the morning sky leaving transitory patches of blue. Though they are mostly white, there is a hint of greyness, a suggestion that rain would play a part in the day to come. Heaven was leaking, dropping tints of gold onto Earth where the clouds were thin enough to let it through. A soft breeze tickled my soft skin, brushing against the leaves and composing harmonious whistles. Through the percussion of the wind came the birdsong, each a music to the other, together with an opera only nature gives. The sweet melody was the heart of the bird, freely given.


To the unaccustomed eye, the countryside was a beautiful swathe of rolling green divided by walls of mossy grey stone, picturesque by any standards. But to me, it was like a great quilt of golden, brown and green squares held together by the thick green stitching of the hedgerows. It rose and fell like giant waves on a gentle ocean and was dotted with animals. Occasionally there was a wood that separated the fields, or a farmhouse or barn.


I don't have a lot of description i guess but you should understand what i mean by range hopefully. i hope this is helpful for you
thank u so much xxx
how wpuld u come up with descriptipns like practice?
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blobfish90
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(Original post by Sakiudns)
thank u so much xxx
how wpuld u come up with descriptipns like practice?
The best way honestly is to explain everything in detail. Always develop your points and make it flow. So for example, if you are talking about the sky describe the sky then what’s in the sky and then perhaps the source of where that thing came from or some deeper meaning behind it (like how i mentioned the bird song in my description). Include emotions (a separate paragraph) and emphasise this through the lengths of sentences (short sentences creating dramatic effect). Perhaps introduce an object in a separate paragraph that you happen to notice in the distance or right in front of you. Remember the image is only a spring board for your own ideas and you don’t have to stick to it religiously
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This is an essay I did February last year. I got 32/40. I attached pictures of the question itself, the 2 pages of my typed essay after it had been marked and the mark sheet showing how I did. As you can see, Q5 was really my saving grace.

It's the AQA 2018 paper btw. I wish I had my actual GCSE essay to hand because I was very happy with that and I must have done well.

Also more general advice for the Q5's, moreso on paper 1 but for paper 2 too is to have fun with it. If you don't enjoy it, then no one else is going to so always be checking if you find it interesting.
This is pretty good. I actually go 40/40 in my real exam lol.
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(Original post by Tolgarda)
This is pretty good. I actually go 40/40 in my real exam lol.
any advixs for paper 1
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(Original post by Sakiudns)
any advixs for paper 1
Depends which awarding body you're with.
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(Original post by blobfish90)
Wasn’t generous at all ahaha I got my teacher to mark it who is an examiner and he gave it 34 thanks for helping though
LMAO
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