My bf really wants kids but I don’t

So simple to day I don’t like babies. Or kids. They cry and scream are are difficult, also I’ve had complications in my life that mean that having a baby could really hurt me and I didn’t want to go through the whole pregnancy part anyway.

So we agreed on adoption but I don’t want to adopt a younger kid. I have (diagnosed) anxiety adhd and symptoms of depression and there’s no way I want to potentially **** up a kids life because of it.

But my bf won’t listen. He’s never had a dad so he wants a son to adopt around 5 or 6. I wanted to adopt an older girl as older kids don’t get adopted and age out of the system and girls fare worse in those kind of situations.

I get overwhelmed easily by loud noises (crying and screaming) and can’t even stay in the room if his nephew starts to cry because it freaks me out and makes me panic which is why I don’t want a younger kid.

It’s really difficult because he doesn’t understand that I don’t want to adopt a kid that’s too young because I don’t want them to be like me, i know older kids have problems from being in care so long but I could TALK to an older kid. I was thinking a teenager. I could communicate with a teen but my bf just won’t see that me adopting a younger kid is a bad idea.

He also has very bad OCD and a heart condition with anxiety too. I don’t want him or me projecting our problems onto a still developing child and potentially ruin them.

I don’t want to say it too harshly but he just won’t listen to me what should I do?

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Reply 1

username4358788

You should always do what you feel comfortable with. If you don't feel comfortable with a younger child - don't adopt a younger child, it won't be good for either of you. Try telling your bf that you understand that he wants a young child but your just not ready for that and you wouldn't feel comfortable. If you don't approach and tell him, he will never understand. You could write all your feelings down on paper and hand it to him, if he truly cares for you, then he will understand. Like literally write down everything you've wrote here, and also you didn't know how to approach him about it as you feared he wouldn't understand. If he's worth it, he will understand. But make sure you address his points first before explaining yours.
Hope this helped at least a little bit, and remember, don't do anything you aren't comfortable with, even if it's for a good cause or the sake of ur bf.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

This is doomed to end.

If you don't want to give him his own children then he's going to leave eventually and find someone who will.

Reply 3

username4358788

Original post by Anonymous

This is doomed to end.

If you don't want to give him his own children then he's going to leave eventually and find someone who will.

And if he doesn't want to respect her decision then she's also going to leave and 'find someone who will'
It's important to remember that a relationship works both ways, and if both people aren't happy, then what's the point?

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Kayb7893

Leaving her will be him respecting her decision not to have kids but ultimately the relationship will come to end because its clearly important to him to have his own kids.

Reply 5

amyj2000

Kids are usually the biggest deal-breakers in relationships. If you don't share a similar viewpoint in this, it ain't gonna work. It's a HUGE commitment. He's justified in wanting a younger kid (or even his own biological kid), you're justified in wanting an older kid (or none at all). So all in all, I'm just gonna say your future goals are incompatible and you'll be better off in the long run both finding new partners who's stances on children better align with yours. It's not really fair to be compromising on an issue as substantial as this.

Best of luck to you both.

Reply 6

trapking

Original post by amyj2000

Could have not said this any better!

Spot on.

Reply 7

Em.-.

If you are not comfortable adopting a child, do not adopt a child. Nobody should have children just because their partner wants them as this won’t be good for the parents nor the child. Although I’m still young I also don’t expect to want kids and would never have them just because it was expected of me (due to being uncomfortable with pregnancy and also slightly similar things you described).

Adoption is something you can do later in life so if you’re not ready now, wait and get yourself into a state which would make caring for a child more enjoyable for you both.

It’s best that you adopt a child that you’re both ready to care for. If you can’t agree then the relationship probably won’t work out and it’s best to be with someone who you don’t have to compromise with about really significant things like children.

(edited 4 years ago)

Reply 8

Anonymous #2

Don’t have kids then. You seem to care about ensuring the child’s wellbeing, he doesn’t.

Reply 9

username47781

You both want different things, this relationship ain't gonna work

Reply 10

PhoenixFortune

Original post by Blueclueless

From what you've said, I don't think it's purely about projecting your difficulties onto the child, but also about your dislike of younger children (which is valid). While you may love and respect your boyfriend, you need to have a frank discussion about what you both want. The fact that he doesn't want to listen to you is a bad sign. With the issue of children, it's impossible to compromise - this will always lead to one party feeling resentful. As you both want different things, and neither of you should be expected to ignore those wants, then you might have to think about whether your future is with this particular person.

Reply 11

Capitalist_Lamb

Original post by Anonymous

Don’t have kids then. You seem to care about ensuring the child’s wellbeing, he doesn’t.

How can you possibly state that he won't care for the child. He is obviously keen on having a child and she has stated nothing suggesting that he would be an unloving father.

Reply 12

Blueclueless

Original post by Rock Fan

You both want different things, this relationship ain't gonna work

We’ve been together for 5 years and we’re talking to out I think we’ll manage but thank you anyway

Reply 13

BlueSoybean

you should break up then

Reply 14

username47781

Original post by Blueclueless

We’ve been together for 5 years and we’re talking to out I think we’ll manage but thank you anyway

What can you agree on not having any children?

Reply 15

PhoenixFortune

Original post by Blueclueless

We’ve been together for 5 years and we’re talking to out I think we’ll manage but thank you anyway

If you can foresee this not becoming a problem in the future, and/or you're happy to compromise what you want, then that's it I guess. As long as your boyfriend actually listens to your perspective as opposed to instantly dismissing it because it doesn't align with his.

(edited 4 years ago)

Reply 16

ella1902

Something to remember with adopting older kids is that there’s a reason they’re being adopted at at a later stage in life; parents in prison or unable to care for them due to drugs etc, been to multiple foster homes, or other things. Especially teenagers are often at an age where they’re going to have issues you need to work through with them, they may be cold, not listen at all, what you could call “problem children”. These kids have had difficult childhoods and require a lot of effort, love and patience. My mums a social worker and works with many children who are in these kinds of situations and she sees how much they struggle and how much it breaks their heart every time they have to move. Make sure you are prepared for the commitment and time you’re going to put into these children as you don’t want kids, and it isn’t fair for them to go to a home as a compromise between you and your partner.

Reply 17

Oxford Mum

Original post by Blueclueless

Both of you have health conditions, so bringing children into the mix will not help.

I wanted children and my husband didn't. I gave him an ultimatum. When the children came along, he spent hardly any time with them and barely even communicated with them. He ended up resenting the children and left, cutting off all communication with them forever. In contrast, my children are the best things that have ever happened to me.

After my husband left, both subsequent boyfriends hated the fact that I have children. And 5 kids? This will be some challenge.

This is a deal breaker and, I am afraid, will lead to problems and resentment further along the line.

Reply 18

Blueclueless

Original post by Anonymous

Don’t have kids then. You seem to care about ensuring the child’s wellbeing, he doesn’t.

He does but he doesn’t want to believe he has OCD and doesn’t want to take meds for them either I come from a bad family that ****ed up my mental state and so does he. Only difference is my parents did it deliberately whereas his bad upbringing was circumstance and the OCD is inherited