The Student Room Group

Can you rate my poem?

Down the rabbit hole

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where true love is inside out.
True beauty is measured from the inside
And good looks are hardly cared about.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where a woman can hold hands with a man,
Without the need of dependence,
Without the need of a ruling hand.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
There lies no faith
Which leads to destruction
Nor leads to hate.
A place of freedom,
For all faiths and creeds,
A place of freedom
For you and me.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where a woman is equal to a man.
In the workplace and home,
I hope I can make you understand.

This world is not possible
If we continue to spread anger and hate,
This world is not possible under a capitalist personate.

So let me take you down the rabbit hole,
To a world so far from this.
To a world of Eudaemonia
To a world full of bliss.
(Cheers)
Original post by Heathernchem
Down the rabbit hole

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where true love is inside out.
True beauty is measured from the inside
And good looks are hardly cared about.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where a woman can hold hands with a man,
Without the need of dependence,
Without the need of a ruling hand.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
There lies no faith
Which leads to destruction
Nor leads to hate.
A place of freedom,
For all faiths and creeds,
A place of freedom
For you and me.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where a woman is equal to a man.
In the workplace and home,
I hope I can make you understand.

This world is not possible
If we continue to spread anger and hate,
This world is not possible under a capitalist personate.

So let me take you down the rabbit hole,
To a world so far from this.
To a world of Eudaemonia
To a world full of bliss.
(Cheers)

Lovely and very descriptive. Lose a couple of rabbit holes though. Beginning and end. Not inbetween
Original post by Heathernchem
Down the rabbit hole

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where true love is inside out.
True beauty is measured from the inside
And good looks are hardly cared about.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where a woman can hold hands with a man,
Without the need of dependence,
Without the need of a ruling hand.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
There lies no faith
Which leads to destruction
Nor leads to hate.
A place of freedom,
For all faiths and creeds,
A place of freedom
For you and me.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where a woman is equal to a man.
In the workplace and home,
I hope I can make you understand.

This world is not possible
If we continue to spread anger and hate,
This world is not possible under a capitalist personate.

So let me take you down the rabbit hole,
To a world so far from this.
To a world of Eudaemonia
To a world full of bliss.
(Cheers)

Idealistic nonsense and off topic why is this in society. Also man and women have been equal for decades now. You cant have a place for freedom for all faiths and creeds because some actively don't want the others to have freedom.
Reply 3
Hm. Not for me, I'm afraid but it's great that you're writing for pleasure. You have asked for opinions. I find this a bit twee and predictable. 'Personate' is an archaic verb so that particular rhyme feels very forced. Who is the speaker in this poem?
Original post by Ragman75
Idealistic nonsense and off topic why is this in society. Also man and women have been equal for decades now. You cant have a place for freedom for all faiths and creeds because some actively don't want the others to have freedom.


Firstly, is highlighting the negative aspects of capitalism not linked to society?

secondly, men and women are not equal (btw im a bloke) in society as capitalism is a patriarchal ideology. E.G Women are faced with dual burden and triple shift due to their expressive roles within the family conflicting with their financial work outside of the home,
aswell as the gender discrimination faced by women and the fact that many must take lower paid part time jobs due to dedication to the family (unlike the man in the majority of cases)

lastly, I agree with your point in contemporary society but does that mean that we should effectively give up?

Btw this was just a piece of work for English so I didn’t just do this in my own time although I enjoyed it
Original post by Davy611
Hm. Not for me, I'm afraid but it's great that you're writing for pleasure. You have asked for opinions. I find this a bit twee and predictable. 'Personate' is an archaic verb so that particular rhyme feels very forced. Who is the speaker in this poem?

Cheers for the feedback, this was for some English work and I don’t really know who the speaker is, maybe just a person trying to show the proletariat an alternative to capitalism idk your guess is as good as mine
Original post by Heathernchem
Firstly, is highlighting the negative aspects of capitalism not linked to society?

secondly, men and women are not equal (btw im a bloke) in society as capitalism is a patriarchal ideology. E.G Women are faced with dual burden and triple shift due to their expressive roles within the family conflicting with their financial work outside of the home,
aswell as the gender discrimination faced by women and the fact that many must take lower paid part time jobs due to dedication to the family (unlike the man in the majority of cases)

lastly, I agree with your point in contemporary society but does that mean that we should effectively give up?

Btw this was just a piece of work for English so I didn’t just do this in my own time although I enjoyed it

I think it's more the idea that this can be achieved easily? I think the poem is very Utopian (which is great, if this is what you were going for!), and while I would love to imagine a world of complete equality and peace, I recognise that there would be a lot of struggle involved first. When I consider that, historically, there has never been complete equality and peace, I struggle to imagine a future which has these things. For me, this poem focusses on a seemingly fantastical end product without really considering how it could be achieved.

What you discuss about the inherently patriarchal nature of capitalism is really interesting. Could you not write a poem about the conflict women face / the reality of discrimination and sex-gender hierarchy, and use this as a more subtle argument for a new way of organising society?

Echoing Davy though, it's great that you are writing and experimenting with poetry and that you are enjoying it!
(edited 4 years ago)
I would just like to say that it is excellent that you are taking up writing.
My honest opinion is that this poem is very meh/below average.
I've read it and seems too idealistic and very by the numbers, making it sound like a nursury rhyme.
The questions I would like you to consider are who is the speaker? Why did you choose that structure and form?
I do like how you said "let me take you down the rabbit hole", this could be an allusion to Alice in Wonderland and her seeing a more fantastical society.
However, this again spells out everything, it could do with some more literary devices metaphors and symbolism for example, that's what makes poetry fun and compelling to read.
*A poem that comes to mind where it doesn't spell everything out for example is Ozymandias.
(edited 4 years ago)
Original post by yotsr123
I would just like to say that it is excellent that you are taking up writing.
My honest opinion is that this poem is very meh/below average.
I've read it and seems too idealistic and very by the numbers, making it sound like a nursury rhyme.
The questions I would like you to consider are who is the speaker? Why did you choose that structure and form?
I do like how you said "let me take you down the rabbit hole", this could be an allusion to Alice in Wonderland and her seeing a more fantastical society.
However, this again spells out everything, it could do with some more literary devices metaphors and symbolism for example, that's what makes poetry fun and compelling to read.
*A poem that comes to mind where it doesn't spell everything out for example is Ozymandias.

Cheers for the feedback, really appreciate it and I agree that this poem is DEFINITELY lacking in literary devices as you rightfully highlighted and tbh I don’t know what I think of it, hence the reason why I created this thread. However the reason why I didn’t include lots of literary devices is because I thought that in its ,perhaps overly, simplistic form it appealed to me more than an ‘all out’ piece.

Also, regarding it being too idealistic, this seems to be a widely shared opinion but, I very well may be wrong, I can’t comprehend that something can be too idealistic because surely you should reach for the stars not the ceiling. An example of something extremely idealistic , If not more than my one, is John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’. Now I am no way comparing that masterpiece to my ‘work’ in any way whatsoever but regarding the idealism would you consider ‘imagine’ to be too idealistic, perhaps it’s just my ineffective expression of the idealism rather than the idealism itself
Thanks again
Original post by Foreverneek
I think it's more the idea that this can be achieved easily? I think the poem is very Utopian (which is great, if this is what you were going for!), and while I would love to imagine a world of complete equality and peace, I recognise that there would be a lot of struggle involved first. When I consider that, historically, there has never been complete equality and peace, I struggle to imagine a future which has these things. For me, this poem focusses on a seemingly fantastical end product without really considering how it could be achieved.

What you discuss about the inherently patriarchal nature of capitalism is really interesting. Could you not write a poem about the conflict women face / the reality of discrimination and sex-gender hierarchy, and use this as a more subtle argument for a new way of organising society?

Echoing Davy though, it's great that you are writing and experimenting with poetry and that you are enjoying it!


Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it and I totally agree with you. As I mentioned somewhere else (not sure where) but I’m unsure what to think of this poem but the main aim was to create a sense of utopia which many may argue isn’t as difficult to achieve as we are led to believe.
For example, I’ll be honest I doubt that capitalism is going anywhere anytime soon , due to the agents of social control (also known as agents of socialisation to Functionalists and New Right Theorists) which indoctrinate us into the capitalist ideology, however we could make capitalism a much less patriarchal ideology by targeting gender discrimination on a greater scale than today.

This could be achieved by taking the conservatives out of power as they take the New Right approach which states that women should NOT be in the workplace but instead in the home, hence the lack of attention/strong tackling of gender discrimination by the government.

however, this leads to the problem who the f*** would replace the conservatives, I would like to say labour but I’m not sure that today’s labour is the same labour as decades ago where they truly prioritised the working class . Therefore I haven’t got a clue.
Your responses to the comments are MUCH more sophisticated and interesting than the poem itself :smile:
Original post by Ragman75
Idealistic nonsense and off topic why is this in society. Also man and women have been equal for decades now. You cant have a place for freedom for all faiths and creeds because some actively don't want the others to have freedom.


men and women are not equal due to a still intact patriarchal system. legally, yes. socially, nah.
Original post by Heathernchem
Down the rabbit hole

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where true love is inside out.
True beauty is measured from the inside
And good looks are hardly cared about.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where a woman can hold hands with a man,
Without the need of dependence,
Without the need of a ruling hand.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
There lies no faith
Which leads to destruction
Nor leads to hate.
A place of freedom,
For all faiths and creeds,
A place of freedom
For you and me.

Let me take you down the rabbit hole,
Where a woman is equal to a man.
In the workplace and home,
I hope I can make you understand.

This world is not possible
If we continue to spread anger and hate,
This world is not possible under a capitalist personate.

So let me take you down the rabbit hole,
To a world so far from this.
To a world of Eudaemonia
To a world full of bliss.
(Cheers)

Bro as a writer myself I'd say it's good. You seem to be going for a specific style, and if in fact you are, then you've pulled it off really well.
A tip I'd give you is try writing without rhymes. I found it very freeing. Some of your rhymes feel forced and this can really undermine any good work you've put into the poem because it takes away from it and sticks out like a sore thumb. Also what I try to do is not to re-use words more than once in a stanza unless I'm re-using a phrase stylistically to make it stick out or to mimic a thought process. It can make it sound repetitive or as though you can't think of any other words.
Also you seem to cover a lot of ground. I cover a lot of ground in my poems I'll be honest, but it seems to jump a lot. At first you seem to be talking about beauty and then you have feminism and then down with the capitalist society, all great, but if you're going to be talking about a perfect world which i believe you're getting at, then you're going to have to cover even more ground and issues and make it less time to get through each point. You take a stanza every time, with that opening phrase which is actually quite a mouthful. Personally I'd either do that, or focus in on one aspect of society you wish to change and perhaps write a poem about each one.
I'd say don't try to write a poem. Don't set out to make it sound like a poem. Don't write for it to be read, and don't write it for anyone but yourself. Really none of these comments should count. Poetry is a very internal thing, and while when other people read it their experience is their own, there is a thing about your own poems that other people can never understand. When i write poetry it is because I feel almost a physical need to, and not because I have set out to write a poem. Occasionally in this it feel as though you are trying to write a poem which you think sounds like a 'poem'. Make your own poem!
Original post by coconuter
Bro as a writer myself I'd say it's good. You seem to be going for a specific style, and if in fact you are, then you've pulled it off really well.
A tip I'd give you is try writing without rhymes. I found it very freeing. Some of your rhymes feel forced and this can really undermine any good work you've put into the poem because it takes away from it and sticks out like a sore thumb. Also what I try to do is not to re-use words more than once in a stanza unless I'm re-using a phrase stylistically to make it stick out or to mimic a thought process. It can make it sound repetitive or as though you can't think of any other words.
Also you seem to cover a lot of ground. I cover a lot of ground in my poems I'll be honest, but it seems to jump a lot. At first you seem to be talking about beauty and then you have feminism and then down with the capitalist society, all great, but if you're going to be talking about a perfect world which i believe you're getting at, then you're going to have to cover even more ground and issues and make it less time to get through each point. You take a stanza every time, with that opening phrase which is actually quite a mouthful. Personally I'd either do that, or focus in on one aspect of society you wish to change and perhaps write a poem about each one.
I'd say don't try to write a poem. Don't set out to make it sound like a poem. Don't write for it to be read, and don't write it for anyone but yourself. Really none of these comments should count. Poetry is a very internal thing, and while when other people read it their experience is their own, there is a thing about your own poems that other people can never understand. When i write poetry it is because I feel almost a physical need to, and not because I have set out to write a poem. Occasionally in this it feel as though you are trying to write a poem which you think sounds like a 'poem'. Make your own poem!

Thanks for the feedback and I completely agree this has been my first proper attempt of a poem so I’ll definitely take you advice cheers 👍
Penguins scream their name
In a forgotten place there are no games
There are no government claims
Which leaves so much untouched blame
Everyone is guilty but yet the sinners
Are left at a base of a river settled and content
While the pebbles crumble above them
They still eat at the crumbs
Until they starve

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