Desperate to leave an abusive relationship and have no where to go Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#1
I’ve been with this person for 4 years, I stupidly gave up my flat to move into his, he never put me on the tenancy or even gave me house keys. He’s controlling and abusive, it’s been back and forth the whole hitting me, police have been involved many times. I really want to leave but I have no where to go and when I say no where I mean no where! My mum lives 2 hours away and my dad I don’t really talk too. I don’t have any other family and no friends I speak to anymore. I’ve tried getting into hostels, women’s refuge and I’ve been told they are all full. I’ve gone to the council and because I owe so much from my previous flat I can’t even get on the system to bid on anywhere and they told me I would only be referred to a “ymca” if they called my partner and confirmed that he was asking me to leave (which he does all the time) and of course he’s going to say no she can stay. I love her etc etc. I feel trapped and so so lonely. I’m unemployed I lost my job because of him I’ve lost everything because of him. My life never used to be like this I had so much when I met him, Friends, money a job I loved my own flat that I lived in for 6 years. He takes everything away from me because I’m “in his flat” he’s unemployed too, always has been he said he won’t work because he can’t trust me. I was raped a year ago after we had a row and I went out and got drunk on my own and I don’t even remember what happened to me it was reported to the police and I done everything they asked of me and had a therapist to talk to but after 8 sessions that was it as it was funded he blames me for it and calls me a whore all the time. I own everything in the flat except a tv, the sofa and a coffee table. The fridge, bed furniture and I have 2 cats who I love more than anything in the world. I really am getting desperate he is unbearable to live with. No one knows what he’s like but me, his family have a little bit of an idea but not like I know. I need some help. Any suggests of where I can go?
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Anonymous #2
#2
Report 1 week ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I’ve been with this person for 4 years, I stupidly gave up my flat to move into his, he never put me on the tenancy or even gave me house keys. He’s controlling and abusive, it’s been back and forth the whole hitting me, police have been involved many times. I really want to leave but I have no where to go and when I say no where I mean no where! My mum lives 2 hours away and my dad I don’t really talk too. I don’t have any other family and no friends I speak to anymore. I’ve tried getting into hostels, women’s refuge and I’ve been told they are all full. I’ve gone to the council and because I owe so much from my previous flat I can’t even get on the system to bid on anywhere and they told me I would only be referred to a “ymca” if they called my partner and confirmed that he was asking me to leave (which he does all the time) and of course he’s going to say no she can stay. I love her etc etc. I feel trapped and so so lonely. I’m unemployed I lost my job because of him I’ve lost everything because of him. My life never used to be like this I had so much when I met him, Friends, money a job I loved my own flat that I lived in for 6 years. He takes everything away from me because I’m “in his flat” he’s unemployed too, always has been he said he won’t work because he can’t trust me. I was raped a year ago after we had a row and I went out and got drunk on my own and I don’t even remember what happened to me it was reported to the police and I done everything they asked of me and had a therapist to talk to but after 8 sessions that was it as it was funded he blames me for it and calls me a whore all the time. I own everything in the flat except a tv, the sofa and a coffee table. The fridge, bed furniture and I have 2 cats who I love more than anything in the world. I really am getting desperate he is unbearable to live with. No one knows what he’s like but me, his family have a little bit of an idea but not like I know. I need some help. Any suggests of where I can go?
Change all the locks and if he tries anything threatening shoot him
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threeportdrift
Badges: 20
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#3
Report 1 week ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
................
Hostels and refuges have a turnover of residents. Keep contacting them and put together an escape plan - speak to PDSA etc about whether they have a foster-parent facility for the cats. Find somewhere to keep a largish bag secure, but well away from the house and gradually fill it with things you need to take with you. The hostel/refuge should be able to advise on preparations. Then as soon as someone get a bedspace - get out of there and never look back!
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Anonymous #2
#4
Report 1 week ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
Change all the locks and if he tries anything threatening shoot him
Apologies, I misread, I thought it was your flat

Next time he hits you you need to hit him back a lot harder; it sounds like the police are totally and utterly useless and nobody should have to live like a prisoner. If moving back in with your mum is totally off the cards and you have no friends and family to stay at temporarily then you need to get yourself a job and move out ASAP
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Joleee
Badges: 18
#5
Report 1 week ago
#5
maybe try contacting Women's Aid for suggestions?
www.womensaid.org.uk/

do you have any savings? are you claiming benefits (JSA)?

your mum lives 2 hours away but what's stopping you from going there? you don't have ties to where you are now, do you? if you really want to get out, i would go to your mums (if that's optional), save some money if you have none and go from there. sounds like you are not safe where you are now.
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999tigger
Badges: 19
#6
Report 1 week ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
I’ve been with this person for 4 years, I stupidly gave up my flat to move into his, he never put me on the tenancy or even gave me house keys. He’s controlling and abusive, it’s been back and forth the whole hitting me, police have been involved many times. I really want to leave but I have no where to go and when I say no where I mean no where! My mum lives 2 hours away and my dad I don’t really talk too. I don’t have any other family and no friends I speak to anymore. I’ve tried getting into hostels, women’s refuge and I’ve been told they are all full. I’ve gone to the council and because I owe so much from my previous flat I can’t even get on the system to bid on anywhere and they told me I would only be referred to a “ymca” if they called my partner and confirmed that he was asking me to leave (which he does all the time) and of course he’s going to say no she can stay. I love her etc etc. I feel trapped and so so lonely. I’m unemployed I lost my job because of him I’ve lost everything because of him. My life never used to be like this I had so much when I met him, Friends, money a job I loved my own flat that I lived in for 6 years. He takes everything away from me because I’m “in his flat” he’s unemployed too, always has been he said he won’t work because he can’t trust me. I was raped a year ago after we had a row and I went out and got drunk on my own and I don’t even remember what happened to me it was reported to the police and I done everything they asked of me and had a therapist to talk to but after 8 sessions that was it as it was funded he blames me for it and calls me a whore all the time. I own everything in the flat except a tv, the sofa and a coffee table. The fridge, bed furniture and I have 2 cats who I love more than anything in the world. I really am getting desperate he is unbearable to live with. No one knows what he’s like but me, his family have a little bit of an idea but not like I know. I need some help. Any suggests of where I can go?
You need to leave and if your mum is willing to take you that means back there to escape this man.
I am surprised womesn refuge wouldnt help you.
Are you in touch with the domestic abuse uni with the loacal police station as well as your GP?
Evidence is your friend and if you regularly report whats going on then it is on record.

1. Make police , social services, local domestic abuse charities aware.
2. See if your mum wil/ can take you.
3. Start packing a few bags and see if the local church or refuge can let you store them for a while and gradually move the essentials like clothes out, so he doesnt notice.
4. Dont worry about the other things they can be replaced.
5. If you need proof of identification then go round the flat and photo every item that is yours, but tbh unless it has sentimental value it can all be replaced. You cna point this out to the police.
6. The big thing is arranging for the cats and you could maybe get help from cats protection, if you have a cat carrier or they cna give you the cardboard ones.
7. In an emergency you could try to get help from social services or JC+ as an emergency loan. That would help if you had the backing of GP+ Police.
8. Find a time when he wont be around and vanish. Leaving him a note you have left and the relationship is over and you dont wnat anything to do with him.
9. Warn the police both local and where you are moving to, so they know and wont help him plus police at your mums have been warned.
10. Cut him off from social media etc.
11. Have a new sim and only transfer people who you 100% trust.
12. Notify your work coach that you will be moving offices, which should keep your current claim intact, although the HB will be messed up.
13. There are organisations here who may be willing to help.
14. Dont worry about stuff, except secretly and gradually move stuff that is sentimental or important.
15. You are advanced in a domestic abuse situation because you realise you want to leave, just need the practical plan as above on how to do it.
16. When you get home then you can heal up and you will be away from him.
17. Eventually you cna get a job and start to rebuild.

Here are organisations similar to womens aid.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/fa...on-and-advice/

You should also contact the one near your mums just so they can offer support services.
If you have any friends then they may help you to move out or even give you a lift or just be present as a itness or help with the cats.

Just plan it and make a to do list so everything is covered. Its a shame you have been with him so long, you dont have to worry about him or stay and try and sort things out. he lost that impportance years ago. Think whats best for you, the cats and your future.

If your mum or the cat situation is not viable then post back.
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#7
It’s not my flat to change the locks.
(Original post by Anonymous)
Change all the locks and if he tries anything threatening shoot him
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#8
(Original post by Joleee)
maybe try contacting Women's Aid for suggestions?
www.womensaid.org.uk/

do you have any savings? are you claiming benefits (JSA)?

your mum lives 2 hours away but what's stopping you from going there? you don't have ties to where you are now, do you? if you really want to get out, i would go to your mums (if that's optional), save some money if you have none and go from there. sounds like you are not safe where you are now.
No it’s not an option, she lives in a lodge in the middle of no where and isn’t even allowed to stay there for the whole year because she doesn’t pay council tax there. And she’s not allowed anyone to live with her. There’s not a spare room either even if it was an option. She has to go into a hotel for 3 weeks next week as it’s that time of year she’s not allowed to be there.
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#9
If I hit him back he calls the police and I get arrested and then I’m not allowed back into the property and I’m on the streets again. If I get a job he would get me sacked from that too. He would follow me and make up lies to my bosses like he’s done before, it would be impossible for me to get a job he would ruin it also I can’t always sleep properly he comes in at 3am most nights drunk waking me up demanding to see my phone and asking what I’ve been doing. I feel physically exhausted, I’m not in the right mind set to get a job and hold it down. Also if I get a job then the council won’t and can’t help me.
(Original post by Anonymous)
Apologies, I misread, I thought it was your flat

Next time he hits you you need to hit him back a lot harder; it sounds like the police are totally and utterly useless and nobody should have to live like a prisoner. If moving back in with your mum is totally off the cards and you have no friends and family to stay at temporarily then you need to get yourself a job and move out ASAP
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#10
(Original post by 999tigger)You need to leave and if your mum is willing to take you that means back there to escape this man.
I am surprised womesn refuge wouldnt help you.
Are you in touch with the domestic abuse uni with the loacal police station as well as your GP?
Evidence is your friend and if you regularly report whats going on then it is on record.

1. Make police , social services, local domestic abuse charities aware.
2. See if your mum wil/ can take you.
3. Start packing a few bags and see if the local church or refuge can let you store them for a while and gradually move the essentials like clothes out, so he doesnt notice.
4. Dont worry about the other things they can be replaced.
5. If you need proof of identification then go round the flat and photo every item that is yours, but tbh unless it has sentimental value it can all be replaced. You cna point this out to the police.
6. The big thing is arranging for the cats and you could maybe get help from cats protection, if you have a cat carrier or they cna give you the cardboard ones.
7. In an emergency you could try to get help from social services or JC+ as an emergency loan. That would help if you had the backing of GP+ Police.
8. Find a time when he wont be around and vanish. Leaving him a note you have left and the relationship is over and you dont wnat anything to do with him.
9. Warn the police both local and where you are moving to, so they know and wont help him plus police at your mums have been warned.
10. Cut him off from social media etc.
11. Have a new sim and only transfer people who you 100% trust.
12. Notify your work coach that you will be moving offices, which should keep your current claim intact, although the HB will be messed up.
13. There are organisations here who may be willing to help.
14. Dont worry about stuff, except secretly and gradually move stuff that is sentimental or important.
15. You are advanced in a domestic abuse situation because you realise you want to leave, just need the practical plan as above on how to do it.
16. When you get home then you can heal up and you will be away from him.
17. Eventually you cna get a job and start to rebuild.

Here are organisations similar to womens aid.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/fa...on-and-advice/

You should also contact the one near your mums just so they can offer support services.
If you have any friends then they may help you to move out or even give you a lift or just be present as a itness or help with the cats.

Just plan it and make a to do list so everything is covered. Its a shame you have been with him so long, you dont have to worry about him or stay and try and sort things out. he lost that impportance years ago. Think whats best for you, the cats and your future.

If your mum or the cat situation is not viable then post back.



I’ve tried the cats before and they said it’s not a temporary placement and they would just get adopted. Can go to my mums at all I’m not allowed there and she’s not always there I have replied on another post into much more detail but for some reason my reply is being reviewed. He’s very clever and gets me arrested with the police and makes up lies with what I’ve done to him he’s been arrested for me so many times but there’s never enough evidence. And he’s got away with it most of the time. If I get the police involved again they don’t help me I will be on the streets because they won’t let me back here they are no help. This isn’t the first time Ice done everything I could do on many occasions and no one can seem to help me
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Anonymous #1
#11
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#11
Sorry I didn’t reply to some of that answer and no I don’t have any savings and yes I’m claiming universal credit. Sorry I really don’t know how to work this site!
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Vexper
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#12
Report 5 days ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
Apologies, I misread, I thought it was your flat

Next time he hits you you need to hit him back a lot harder; it sounds like the police are totally and utterly useless and nobody should have to live like a prisoner. If moving back in with your mum is totally off the cards and you have no friends and family to stay at temporarily then you need to get yourself a job and move out ASAP
I can say with absolute certainty encouraging violence is just going to get either of them potentially killed, such a poor idea. The best option is to get out of the situation ASAP, not potentially escalate it.

Also please speak to Shelter OP regarding housing, they work in conjuction with domestic violence services a lot of the time.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help

Also inform your Work Coach, ask for an appointment in a private space and disclose that you're a victim of a domestic violence and ask them for help and talk about your circumstances. They can apply easements to work search etc and also signpost you to helpful services and support with safeguarding. You reduce the risk of being sanctioned etc if they know.

Keep battering down the doors of the refuge, as highlighted - space opens up. Do you have a social worker?

Also it's an extreme but I always advise to write to the MP (and highlight that you are writing in confidence as you are still in the situation) - if you highlight you are being put at MASSIVE risk simply because there's not a bed in a refuge for you then that is THEIR problem as their areas services have been gutted to ****. MP interest can suddenly make a bed appear, trust me.
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