Can't make sense of my life Watch

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So I feel I'm in a strange predicament. I will start of by saying I am 41 years old. I've been a student on and off most of my life. Despite this I have also worked a fair amount of it also, both part time & full time work with some unemployment here & there. I'm currently employed and recently finish a second degree course a few years ago.

On the surface things could be (have been) worse. I've had holidays abroad and enjoyed time with siblings and had good parents (one still going ) Yet I have had only brief dating encounters with women, the longest being a couple of weeks or so. I could have strived to date more but never felt I wanted to date someone who I wasn't feeling into. In essence I've always struggled in making relationships both romantic and in friendships. I'm more of an aquaintance type of person and this suits not too badly as I think I probably don't have time for friendships anyway as I'm always on some new project or venture I guess. To this date my brother has always been my closest friend.

I still see my brother a fair amount even though he now has a partner and family. I am happy with where I am at in my work and have a small terrace house in a cheaper part of the country that I own.

Yet I feel pessimistic for the future. My Uncles & Aunts are still going and though I never frequently saw them they always sent me Birthday & Christmas cards. However, they are all getting on into their eighties, even my mother is around mid seventies. So all of the people, the family, I grew up with will only be around so much longer. This is a sobering thought for me and an unpleasant one. It raises the point of me being here in the first place, my past and my future. Most of what I have ever known may before too long be like it never existed in the first place when they are gone. I will add here I'm not feeling like ending it or nothing. It's more that, apart from caring about these people and my association with them, particularly my mother I don't know where it leaves me. I feel that when they pass (assuming I'm still going of course), that I will be adrift and aimlessly existing. To add to that I will be getting on a bit myself. In another couple of decades (and time can go quick) I will be in my sixties and probably looking at an unhappy and possibly lonely old age. I will also likely have nothing to look forward to and possibly not much point being around. At best I might get some accommodation in a retirement flat/village type of set up and make a few aquaintances to pass the time, join a few clubs etc but I doubt much will hack it for me. Even stuff like Netflix or whatever is going then will probably get old after a while.

So I kind of feel like I'm going to exist but not really live if you know what I mean. That I'm going to be living a kind of half life where there is little to live for but no other choice than to just be at an age that offers little.

I feel even if I had a partner and kids when the kids move on I would be in much the same predicament. I guess this is the predicament many old people are in. Some people who grow old together I know can be miserable with one another as it's all been by the by, said & done. Others of course may still get on real well together but it depends how long they are both around for.

Anyway, don't mean to depress anyone on here, it's just something I had to get off my chest. Main thing is these thoughts have me questioning the living of my life over these years and what they have all been for as it all just seems like it would end in what I feel is likely unpleasant older age and little to be around for if you get what I mean.

Thing is as I type this I'm not in a despondent, depressed or feel like ending it mood. I'm calm and reasonably content enough but I just don't see what is to come being at all anything to look forward to.
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Johnny Tightlips
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So I feel I'm in a strange predicament. I will start of by saying I am 41 years old. I've been a student on and off most of my life. Despite this I have also worked a fair amount of it also, both part time & full time work with some unemployment here & there. I'm currently employed and recently finish a second degree course a few years ago.

On the surface things could be (have been) worse. I've had holidays abroad and enjoyed time with siblings and had good parents (one still going ) Yet I have had only brief dating encounters with women, the longest being a couple of weeks or so. I could have strived to date more but never felt I wanted to date someone who I wasn't feeling into. In essence I've always struggled in making relationships both romantic and in friendships. I'm more of an aquaintance type of person and this suits not too badly as I think I probably don't have time for friendships anyway as I'm always on some new project or venture I guess. To this date my brother has always been my closest friend.

I still see my brother a fair amount even though he now has a partner and family. I am happy with where I am at in my work and have a small terrace house in a cheaper part of the country that I own.

Yet I feel pessimistic for the future. My Uncles & Aunts are still going and though I never frequently saw them they always sent me Birthday & Christmas cards. However, they are all getting on into their eighties, even my mother is around mid seventies. So all of the people, the family, I grew up with will only be around so much longer. This is a sobering thought for me and an unpleasant one. It raises the point of me being here in the first place, my past and my future. Most of what I have ever known may before too long be like it never existed in the first place when they are gone. I will add here I'm not feeling like ending it or nothing. It's more that, apart from caring about these people and my association with them, particularly my mother I don't know where it leaves me. I feel that when they pass (assuming I'm still going of course), that I will be adrift and aimlessly existing. To add to that I will be getting on a bit myself. In another couple of decades (and time can go quick) I will be in my sixties and probably looking at an unhappy and possibly lonely old age. I will also likely have nothing to look forward to and possibly not much point being around. At best I might get some accommodation in a retirement flat/village type of set up and make a few aquaintances to pass the time, join a few clubs etc but I doubt much will hack it for me. Even stuff like Netflix or whatever is going then will probably get old after a while.

So I kind of feel like I'm going to exist but not really live if you know what I mean. That I'm going to be living a kind of half life where there is little to live for but no other choice than to just be at an age that offers little.

I feel even if I had a partner and kids when the kids move on I would be in much the same predicament. I guess this is the predicament many old people are in. Some people who grow old together I know can be miserable with one another as it's all been by the by, said & done. Others of course may still get on real well together but it depends how long they are both around for.

Anyway, don't mean to depress anyone on here, it's just something I had to get off my chest. Main thing is these thoughts have me questioning the living of my life over these years and what they have all been for as it all just seems like it would end in what I feel is likely unpleasant older age and little to be around for if you get what I mean.

Thing is as I type this I'm not in a despondent, depressed or feel like ending it mood. I'm calm and reasonably content enough but I just don't see what is to come being at all anything to look forward to.
Just do more. Imo the point of life is to gorge in it: this is the one opportunity you have to live it so you have to make the most of it by trying as much as possible (of what you think you'll enjoy). Travel, join a club, start a hobby, make friends etc etc. There is a whole universe of wonder and beauty and joy and sensation out there to experience.
Just think: when you're on your deathbed (hopefully not for a while !), ask yourself: "what do I truly regret I didn't do in this one life I'll ever have". If raising a family is under that, then you should do it. You should minimise your regrets.
Like, for me, a small goal I have is to visit Chile. A bit weird, but it has completely captured my imagination. I know that if I died without having gone to it I would be upset and regretful. So, I'm working on earning enough money to visit it one day. I plan to learn how to ride a motorbike and go for a road trip.
Yeah, hope this helps. Its 3AM and I should be revising so sorry if this wasn't great answer. I've thought about (and im sure everyone has) all these questions too so feel free to have a chat
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by frantika)
Just do more. Imo the point of life is to gorge in it: this is the one opportunity you have to live it so you have to make the most of it by trying as much as possible (of what you think you'll enjoy). Travel, join a club, start a hobby, make friends etc etc. There is a whole universe of wonder and beauty and joy and sensation out there to experience.
Just think: when you're on your deathbed (hopefully not for a while !), ask yourself: "what do I truly regret I didn't do in this one life I'll ever have". If raising a family is under that, then you should do it. You should minimise your regrets.
Like, for me, a small goal I have is to visit Chile. A bit weird, but it has completely captured my imagination. I know that if I died without having gone to it I would be upset and regretful. So, I'm working on earning enough money to visit it one day. I plan to learn how to ride a motorbike and go for a road trip.
Yeah, hope this helps. Its 3AM and I should be revising so sorry if this wasn't great answer. I've thought about (and im sure everyone has) all these questions too so feel free to have a chat
Thanks Frantika, that partly helps, doing the much of what you want to do so to then look back and feel good about having done what you wanted to do in later life sounds a good thing to do.

I guess my remaining hang up is really about losing those who care about you, specifically those of your peer group. It's why I feel sorry for my mother as while it can never be certain who goes when in this world chances are she will outlive all those other relations of our family as they are all older than her and generally seem in worse health than her, she keeps quite a healthy regime. She doesn't really communicate with them often but if she did that might only make things harder as in more emotionally dependant. Thing is there is no one around outside of family in her peer group for her to discuss stuff with, if anything she is possibly even more difficult than me in relationships, she even seems reluctant to make aquaintances with fellow older peeps.

Myself I have either her or my brother to which I am close to. My mother has done everything for me growing up and even to this day. My brother I have always been close to and used to go on holiday a lot. He is of course is of my peer group and while his health seems good I personally don't think I could handle it if I lost him. So it's really about people that I care about and vice versa. Sometimes I feel it's only someone in your peer group that cares much about you that I feel I can converse with.

Sometimes I wonder whether if it's better to not be closer to family. Almost like an orphan and to have never have known what it's like for someone to care about you and you about them. I fear it may build an emotional dependancy and a mental state that could be extremely difficult if not impossible to deal with if they pass on before me. That and I wouldn't have anyone to relate to on the same level that I do with them.

So that's it really, I'm not sure how to handle this as at some point it's going to come up unless I go first and it's not someplace I would want to be. When I think of all the good times and all those years we shared together I would find it heartbreaking to live in a world where I could not be with them. It may not happen for a while (a long time hopefully) but it's something I live in fear off.
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Johnny Tightlips
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks Frantika, that partly helps, doing the much of what you want to do so to then look back and feel good about having done what you wanted to do in later life sounds a good thing to do.

I guess my remaining hang up is really about losing those who care about you, specifically those of your peer group. It's why I feel sorry for my mother as while it can never be certain who goes when in this world chances are she will outlive all those other relations of our family as they are all older than her and generally seem in worse health than her, she keeps quite a healthy regime. She doesn't really communicate with them often but if she did that might only make things harder as in more emotionally dependant. Thing is there is no one around outside of family in her peer group for her to discuss stuff with, if anything she is possibly even more difficult than me in relationships, she even seems reluctant to make aquaintances with fellow older peeps.

Myself I have either her or my brother to which I am close to. My mother has done everything for me growing up and even to this day. My brother I have always been close to and used to go on holiday a lot. He is of course is of my peer group and while his health seems good I personally don't think I could handle it if I lost him. So it's really about people that I care about and vice versa. Sometimes I feel it's only someone in your peer group that cares much about you that I feel I can converse with.

Sometimes I wonder whether if it's better to not be closer to family. Almost like an orphan and to have never have known what it's like for someone to care about you and you about them. I fear it may build an emotional dependancy and a mental state that could be extremely difficult if not impossible to deal with if they pass on before me. That and I wouldn't have anyone to relate to on the same level that I do with them.

So that's it really, I'm not sure how to handle this as at some point it's going to come up unless I go first and it's not someplace I would want to be. When I think of all the good times and all those years we shared together I would find it heartbreaking to live in a world where I could not be with them. It may not happen for a while (a long time hopefully) but it's something I live in fear off.
Ah so you're worried about getting too close to people because you will lose them and it will hurt?

Well, one of my favourite quotes is: "all good things come to an end. But don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!" It is the moments that matter and make up life so cherish the time you have with them now rather then worry about the future.

And, in my opinion, it is much better to play your hand in life and risk losing rather then do nothing. Because if you do nothing (eg: don't get so close to your parents/family) you have pretty much lost by default. As you'll fail to experience the joys of playing the hand (eg: the love of a family member or friend).

Tbh I understand about your mother. I have a granny who is 97. Completely bed ridden and does nothing all day except look out the window and watch the tele, and wait for us (her family) to come visit her every few months or so. Must be torturous. All I can say is appreciate what you have now, and Im sure your mother would say the same thing
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Oxford Mum
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frantika
That’s a great answer and it’s great that you find the time at 3am to reply to op.

Op I find myself in the same position as you at the age of 56. My ex husband left me 19 years ago to raise my children alone. My kids have now all but left home.

At the beginning, in fact all through these years, I could have sunk into drink, drugs and despair. It’s so easy to do.

Instead I dedicated my time to my sons, and they got all the way to Oxford. I cultivated friends at work and I spend a lot of my time making them laugh! Also of course I come on the student room and give people relationship advice, because I have had a hard time of it myself. I also give advice about getting in to Oxford. The Oxford decisions will come in just a few hours. Can you imagine how good it makes me feel when the students and parents who message me tell me I had a hand in the result? Well I tell you it’s awesome.

So instead of feeling sorry for yourself why don’t you live outwards, for others? Maybe volunteer somewhere or make some firm friendships.

I have recently joined my two local meet up ( look it up on google) . I went out on my own to a singles disco run by meet up ( the first time I had gone out alone in about 15 years) and met a guy. That didn’t work out so I went to another group and met someone really nice. Someone from the group asked him if he would consider dating me, and he said he would try to get to know me.

Give it a whirl and try to be more optimistic.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by frantika)
Ah so you're worried about getting too close to people because you will lose them and it will hurt?

Well, one of my favourite quotes is: "all good things come to an end. But don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!" It is the moments that matter and make up life so cherish the time you have with them now rather then worry about the future.

And, in my opinion, it is much better to play your hand in life and risk losing rather then do nothing. Because if you do nothing (eg: don't get so close to your parents/family) you have pretty much lost by default. As you'll fail to experience the joys of playing the hand (eg: the love of a family member or friend).

Tbh I understand about your mother. I have a granny who is 97. Completely bed ridden and does nothing all day except look out the window and watch the tele, and wait for us (her family) to come visit her every few months or so. Must be torturous. All I can say is appreciate what you have now, and Im sure your mother would say the same thing
There is that, I also still feel my mum does too much for me. She still cooks for me when I'm around and I am no good at cooking, I just microwave my stuff. So I can feel a bit inadequate, not just at cooking but also in meeting people. I'm not afraid to meet people but I am inadequate at being able to make friends. I truly wish I could do it so easily like other people do, it's something I have wanted to do all my life. I hate myself for failing at this in life. I think I am too quiet and don't resonate with people that well. I can get in with people as in avoiding arguments but that's about it.

I just see that I could become very alone in the future and I don't think I will be able to hack that.

The thing with your gran just scares the sh*t out of me also. That is something I would not want to be around to have to go through.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
frantika
That’s a great answer and it’s great that you find the time at 3am to reply to op.

Op I find myself in the same position as you at the age of 56. My ex husband left me 19 years ago to raise my children alone. My kids have now all but left home.

At the beginning, in fact all through these years, I could have sunk into drink, drugs and despair. It’s so easy to do.

Instead I dedicated my time to my sons, and they got all the way to Oxford. I cultivated friends at work and I spend a lot of my time making them laugh! Also of course I come on the student room and give people relationship advice, because I have had a hard time of it myself. I also give advice about getting in to Oxford. The Oxford decisions will come in just a few hours. Can you imagine how good it makes me feel when the students and parents who message me tell me I had a hand in the result? Well I tell you it’s awesome.

So instead of feeling sorry for yourself why don’t you live outwards, for others? Maybe volunteer somewhere or make some firm friendships.

I have recently joined my two local meet up ( look it up on google) . I went out on my own to a singles disco run by meet up ( the first time I had gone out alone in about 15 years) and met a guy. That didn’t work out so I went to another group and met someone really nice. Someone from the group asked him if he would consider dating me, and he said he would try to get to know me.

Give it a whirl and try to be more optimistic.
I just find a lot of that stuff can be awkward and lead to nothing. Females I think will have better luck but as a guy it can be difficult. I appreciate you trying to help me. I will just have to work on stuff and see if I can do anything I guess.

In general though I guess my main concern is the life I had with the family members in it not being anymore for much longer. It's been that way a long time for me and it's generally all I've ever known.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I just find a lot of that stuff can be awkward and lead to nothing. Females I think will have better luck but as a guy it can be difficult. I appreciate you trying to help me. I will just have to work on stuff and see if I can do anything I guess.

In general though I guess my main concern is the life I had with the family members in it not being anymore for much longer. It's been that way a long time for me and it's generally all I've ever known.
Also I feel I am getting on now. I know I can't live in the world I grew up in. I guess I also know others suffer from the same problems with a lacking in relationships as I do so I am far from the only one. I think it helps put it in perspective but its still not a nice place to be.
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Johnny Tightlips
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I just find a lot of that stuff can be awkward and lead to nothing. Females I think will have better luck but as a guy it can be difficult. I appreciate you trying to help me. I will just have to work on stuff and see if I can do anything I guess.

In general though I guess my main concern is the life I had with the family members in it not being anymore for much longer. It's been that way a long time for me and it's generally all I've ever known.
In my opinion (and please correct me if I'm wrong) you're playing life safe. I understand where you're coming from: I was born and raised in the middle of nowhere so never really made any friends and never really put myself out there and tried new things. I played it safe by staying at home with my family for all my teen years. I never had a girlfriend, never had more than a handful of friends, never had good hobbies etc. And the crux is, there's nothing wrong this: it is comfortable and pleasant to just stay at home with your family. I wasn't pained that I was missing all this.I just played games on my computer and got fat. But deep down, this is unsatisfying. It's like eating cake: it's great when eating but too much of it and you feel fat and unhealthy and unhappy. You have to do things that are truly fulfilling and make you happy (you have to do some soul searching for this). These things usually require a bit of work, such as practising talking to people for example, which is why they are unattractive when you're addicted to just playing it safe.

But as I've mentioned, there is a whole universe out there of amazing stuff be it hobbies, sights, people, events etc. This is the one chance you will ever have to experience it. In my opinion life is too glorious an opportunity to just play safe and stay at home.
So as I said, just think: what will you regret when you're on your deathbed?
And yes, I hear what you're saying. "I'm not good enough to make friends or try new things". Well ultimately, the only person who can believe in yourself is you. No one else. I can type here that you come across as a great person, emotionally intelligent and thoughtful (which you do). But it is up to you to believe me.

And the trick to making friends and girlfriends etc. is just be yourself. BUT don't be a c*nt and be engaging (i.e. be interested in others). I know it's a cliche but if you change yourself to make people like you then it won't be an enjoyable friendship.
And remember that, nobody is better or worse: we are all just different. You will click with some people, with others you won't. But you won't know unless you put yourself out there.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by frantika)
In my opinion (and please correct me if I'm wrong) you're playing life safe. I understand where you're coming from: I was born and raised in the middle of nowhere so never really made any friends and never really put myself out there and tried new things. I played it safe by staying at home with my family for all my teen years. I never had a girlfriend, never had more than a handful of friends, never had good hobbies etc. And the crux is, there's nothing wrong this: it is comfortable and pleasant to just stay at home with your family. I wasn't pained that I was missing all this.I just played games on my computer and got fat. But deep down, this is unsatisfying. It's like eating cake: it's great when eating but too much of it and you feel fat and unhealthy and unhappy. You have to do things that are truly fulfilling and make you happy (you have to do some soul searching for this). These things usually require a bit of work, such as practising talking to people for example, which is why they are unattractive when you're addicted to just playing it safe.

But as I've mentioned, there is a whole universe out there of amazing stuff be it hobbies, sights, people, events etc. This is the one chance you will ever have to experience it. In my opinion life is too glorious an opportunity to just play safe and stay at home.
So as I said, just think: what will you regret when you're on your deathbed?
And yes, I hear what you're saying. "I'm not good enough to make friends or try new things". Well ultimately, the only person who can believe in yourself is you. No one else. I can type here that you come across as a great person, emotionally intelligent and thoughtful (which you do). But it is up to you to believe me.

And the trick to making friends and girlfriends etc. is just be yourself. BUT don't be a c*nt and be engaging (i.e. be interested in others). I know it's a cliche but if you change yourself to make people like you then it won't be an enjoyable friendship.
And remember that, nobody is better or worse: we are all just different. You will click with some people, with others you won't. But you won't know unless you put yourself out there.
Thanks Frantika for your kind words I appreciate them. I see what you mean by be yourself but be engaging. I think I have often misunderstood what this has meant in the past. I think I need to try to be more engaging, I probably come across a but mundane to most people.

The home thing, well I have a small ace of my own but only spend part of my week there mostly doing it up. The other time I spend at my Mother's. Partly this is because I can't just abandon her (again she has the same issues I do so might not fair well on her own 100 percent of the time) She can do short periods, even weeks with me away but I couldn't turn my back on her by not seeing her and staying done time there. I also like to see her of course and she knows where I am coming from, she is a caring person.

I probably do need to get out more and actually engage with people beyond the usual pleasantries & peocesses if I can.

I think I am just going to have to deal with it for now. What will be will be and I'll have to decide what to do when matters get to it. I have some stuff I want to do and the future will decide if I did the right thing or not.

I appreciate your help Frantika, exploring more of what is out there may help me. I think I'm going to have to pick myself up out of the dolldrums and just try stuff. From what I see many others suffer the same sort of issues as me so they have to press on in similar circumstances.

I've lived in my own before while away at uni for short periods. I can cope but finding a lifestyle that doesn't feel alien to me is difficult, artificially set up if you like. I think I would be best of with a girl going in with her. I've struggled to meet a girl for many years of my life and perhaps unwittingly that was down to me being too passive and having insecurities as a young guy. I think I will just see how it goes, at least I've survived a good 40 or so years so in affect I'm only awaiting the inevitable that everyone else suffers from in the end anyway and if a decision needs to be made I will do it as and when I guess.
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Johnny Tightlips
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks Frantika for your kind words I appreciate them. I see what you mean by be yourself but be engaging. I think I have often misunderstood what this has meant in the past. I think I need to try to be more engaging, I probably come across a but mundane to most people.

The home thing, well I have a small ace of my own but only spend part of my week there mostly doing it up. The other time I spend at my Mother's. Partly this is because I can't just abandon her (again she has the same issues I do so might not fair well on her own 100 percent of the time) She can do short periods, even weeks with me away but I couldn't turn my back on her by not seeing her and staying done time there. I also like to see her of course and she knows where I am coming from, she is a caring person.

I probably do need to get out more and actually engage with people beyond the usual pleasantries & peocesses if I can.

I think I am just going to have to deal with it for now. What will be will be and I'll have to decide what to do when matters get to it. I have some stuff I want to do and the future will decide if I did the right thing or not.

I appreciate your help Frantika, exploring more of what is out there may help me. I think I'm going to have to pick myself up out of the dolldrums and just try stuff. From what I see many others suffer the same sort of issues as me so they have to press on in similar circumstances.

I've lived in my own before while away at uni for short periods. I can cope but finding a lifestyle that doesn't feel alien to me is difficult, artificially set up if you like. I think I would be best of with a girl going in with her. I've struggled to meet a girl for many years of my life and perhaps unwittingly that was down to me being too passive and having insecurities as a young guy. I think I will just see how it goes, at least I've survived a good 40 or so years so in affect I'm only awaiting the inevitable that everyone else suffers from in the end anyway and if a decision needs to be made I will do it as and when I guess.
No problem at all mate, best of luck. I've spent all my teenage life stressing about all this (purpose, friendship, confidence etc.) and I'm in a much better place now then I've ever been (and let me tell you, I have been in bad places). So it's my pleasure to help. Hope it all works out
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by frantika)
No problem at all mate, best of luck. I've spent all my teenage life stressing about all this (purpose, friendship, confidence etc.) and I'm in a much better place now then I've ever been (and let me tell you, I have been in bad places). So it's my pleasure to help. Hope it all works out
That's ok, I think the main problem is that I'm kind of distressed at the moment. Having said what I've said it's a difficult one for me. Honestly I think I have been spending too much of the week with my mother. We have always been close knit but I think it is building up a problem by spending too much time with her. I can probably learn to cook properly for myself beyond microwave meals, but that will take some time. I care for her deeply but I think its emotionally weakening for me to be with her. If she goes first then I would likely be in a state of emotional distress. I can live by myself a fair old while but would need some time out to shake off being isolated.

I could share with others and have met people who have done this but that's not necessarily easy for me. I feel I need to get to know them sufficiently or they would be strangers and just add to the feeling of isolation.

To some extent what with work and travelling to my house that is a fair way away from my mother's (about 80 miles as it's in a cheaper but nice enough country area) I don't get to see that much off her, but I get the feeling she enjoys having me around. I very much like seeing her but know I'm likely digging myself a hole. I would miss her greatly if she went first. That would just leave my brother who I am very close to and meet up with regularly.

My mother I regard as a tough old stick but I know she could feel it if I wasn't around much. I like seeing her and talking to her but I think I am building up a reliance on her that is not healthy. I think that spending a good half of the week away has helped with this but when my place is fixed up I would need to continue to stay away for at least as long, actually probably more so.

Sounds counter intuitive I know to spend time away from a person I care deeply about but it's probably for the best for both of us. I think it would be better we kept to visits to one another, probably not even staying the night unless there is a real reason to, ie going to an attraction together. She has her hobbies, gardening etc, and I think that she would do ok so long as I saw her on a regular say once a week basis like I see my brother. I can phone up here and there but not on a daily basis I think to see that she is ok and exchange news with her.

To be honest I have never really liked that she has done so much 'mothering' in the past as I feel it weakens me. I never really asked her to but she cooks the meals and being a guy it's something that I appreciate and at the same time shirk from doing properly for myself (or ourselves). I don't think I would ever attempt to do it if living at home as that is her domain. So I think I would have to live away from home to do this.

My job I would have to move from home but that can be done in time. It's stable enough at the moment so I don't think I should move it until I'm sorted as it would cause more difficulties than I need and at the moment it only means a short time stay during the week that I will look to reduce. I will explain it in a way that makes it not a big deal that I believe it shouldn't be.

Lastly, I will bit by bit slowly redecorate my bedroom at home. It's kind of embarrassing to say this but it hasn't changed a lot since my late teens/early twenties and I don't think that it helps that I wake up in what is essentially a hang over from these years, almost a little boys room :/

If I can make this room a more guest stay room and move most of my stuff out over time I think this would help a lot. So I think for me that would be the best way to proceed, in small steps that will hopefully be less stressful and distressing for both of us than doing it all in one big upheaval that might upset her.

I do very much thank you for your help in bringing this up Frantika I think you have really helped sort me out here so very much a big very many thanks
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