I posted a thread earlier... people told me to see a counsellor, i'm too scared!
instead i sent the following email to connexions (i find things much easier to write down then say face to face) thinking maybe they could put me in touch with someone...
what do you all think?
a few weeks ago i got sacked from my job, got paid about £1100 managed to spend it all in under a week - what i spent it on i have no idea, i have nothing to show for it, except for a few new clothes! I now sit at home all day everyday as i dont even have enough money to afford petrol. (i am in the process of job hunting before any of you pick up on that!)
sometimes the smallest of things, (a comment from a friend where they obviously didnt think before they spoke - an argument over nothing with my boyfriend) can lead to me crying hysterically for hours and hours, listing reasons why i should even be alive.
One week i love my boyfriend of 2 years so much i would marry him tomorrow, the next week i hate him and resent him more then anything for taking away 'my best years' im paniking, planning, and thinking how on earth i'm going to finish it with him. - although this could be general mood swings?
I used to self harm when i was about 15 (i'm now nearly 19)
I have a reputation with people that know me for being 'wierd' as i get stupidly hyper, say things out of turn, laugh like there's no tomorrow and say things that - in the words of my friends - no one would ever think of.
I go out clubbing with my friends and sometimes i dont drink as i prefer to know whats going on around me. I stay out all night, from about 11 till 8 the next morning, i get home and unlike others, i sit up and watch tv and im buzzing and cant sleep on such a high. on the flip side to that when i do drink its exsessive amounts. i'll get a double vodka and red bull and 2 sambucca shots, i'll repeat this several times and i rarely remember how i got home.
i convince myself i have no friends, i sit and go through all my friends and go over everything bad they have ever done to me, i sit there crying.convinced that they all hate me
Some days i dont eat, i feel detatched from the world as if its all going on around me.
I dont eat around people i dont know. Nor do i like to be the only person eating.
i've deleted my facebook account for no apparent reason just because i was annoyed and upset with everyone - im not sure why i thought they'd notice or care but i deleted my bebo account too. Only to think i was being silly and re-set them up the next day.
with my friend at our local shopping centre, it was just closing there was no one about and i felt the urge to run about singing
My boyfriend always tells me i read into things to much and 'wind myself up'
last week i was too depressed to even walk i was sitting on the floor of my hallway on the floor crying - also done this in the bathroom.
a lot of the time im unsure of who i am and my opinions change on a daily basis, things like who im with, other peoples opinions effect this also
its far too easy for me to loose my temper and i get episodes, almost of like blind rage where im not myself and i lash out nd say something really hurtful i didnt mean... it goes as quickly as it comes
That was my letter, some of you may have seen my post earlier..
feedback much appreciated.