creative writing question 5

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jazmineb.xo
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#1
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#1
can someone please read through my drafted but please be brutally honest with any changes to make or anything to add I want to get a 7 or 6

Feeling the rage within as if the ocean had countless tears ready to pound; at the cries of my voice, my sobs for help. Overwatching me as I was nothing but just polluting their space. Hungrily they begged for love, screamed for it. Craving for the warmth inside them, the love they once destroyed, tore apart. But the bottle craved as well; a little vulnerable, alienated bottle. Blaring even louder the ocean but still, nobody cared.

Thrown around the merciless black death and every single wave; eating him alive. Every cry hammering down, immersing the bottle; sinking with the pain to not open up. Physically drowning in his pain. Breath was everything, his devotion to breath. To open up, To be loved, To be wanted.

Fiercely waves tore through the sky becoming more unbearable by the second. Carelessly the ocean struck again, encapsulating the sky. A vigorous smell of salt rebelliously forced itself over his body. The treacherous waters began to fill inside as he was being shoved down. Mementos came inundating back of how he was once cherished, so precious to someone, a moment when his family did not indifference him. Nonchalantly started to spill open, the thing he conserved away, the secrets. He began to howl, shriek, beg for it all stop.

It was too late, the black death inside him did not care for him neither did it love him. Carrying on throwing and tossing the bottle back and forth as they yelped with laughter.

Just one sequested bottle.
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Miss Maddie
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#2
Report 2 years ago
#2
(Original post by jazmineb.xo)
can someone please read through my drafted but please be brutally honest with any changes to make or anything to add I want to get a 7 or 6

Feeling the rage within as if the ocean had countless tears ready to pound; at the cries of my voice, my sobs for help. Overwatching me as I was nothing but just polluting their space. Hungrily they begged for love, screamed for it. Craving for the warmth inside them, the love they once destroyed, tore apart. But the bottle craved as well; a little vulnerable, alienated bottle. Blaring even louder the ocean but still, nobody cared.

Thrown around the merciless black death and every single wave; eating him alive. Every cry hammering down, immersing the bottle; sinking with the pain to not open up. Physically drowning in his pain. Breath was everything, his devotion to breath. To open up, To be loved, To be wanted.

Fiercely waves tore through the sky becoming more unbearable by the second. Carelessly the ocean struck again, encapsulating the sky. A vigorous smell of salt rebelliously forced itself over his body. The treacherous waters began to fill inside as he was being shoved down. Mementos came inundating back of how he was once cherished, so precious to someone, a moment when his family did not indifference him. Nonchalantly started to spill open, the thing he conserved away, the secrets. He began to howl, shriek, beg for it all stop.

It was too late, the black death inside him did not care for him neither did it love him. Carrying on throwing and tossing the bottle back and forth as they yelped with laughter.

Just one sequested bottle.
A lot of metaphors and some don't make sense. I would need to context of what you are trying to convey without the descriptive stuff. The grammar is not the best either.
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xoamox
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#3
Report 2 years ago
#3
(Original post by jazmineb.xo)
can someone please read through my drafted but please be brutally honest with any changes to make or anything to add I want to get a 7 or 6

Feeling the rage within as if the ocean had countless tears ready to pound; at the cries of my voice, my sobs for help. Overwatching me as I was nothing but just polluting their space. Hungrily they begged for love, screamed for it. Craving for the warmth inside them, the love they once destroyed, tore apart. But the bottle craved as well; a little vulnerable, alienated bottle. Blaring even louder the ocean but still, nobody cared.

Thrown around the merciless black death and every single wave; eating him alive. Every cry hammering down, immersing the bottle; sinking with the pain to not open up. Physically drowning in his pain. Breath was everything, his devotion to breath. To open up, To be loved, To be wanted.

Fiercely waves tore through the sky becoming more unbearable by the second. Carelessly the ocean struck again, encapsulating the sky. A vigorous smell of salt rebelliously forced itself over his body. The treacherous waters began to fill inside as he was being shoved down. Mementos came inundating back of how he was once cherished, so precious to someone, a moment when his family did not indifference him. Nonchalantly started to spill open, the thing he conserved away, the secrets. He began to howl, shriek, beg for it all stop.

It was too late, the black death inside him did not care for him neither did it love him. Carrying on throwing and tossing the bottle back and forth as they yelped with laughter.

Just one sequested bottle.
I like the approach you've taken, however manyyy students write like this and you need to be different to stand out to the examiners. You should work on your punctuation - the semi-colons that you've added don't really make sense. Also, you don't always have to add heavy detail in all the sentences; after using a certain technique e.g. a metaphor, maybe have a short simple sentence following it. Overall though, I'm sure you'll be able to get a 7 if you consistently practise creative writing. I hope that was helpful, and good luck!
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XKangaotiCX
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#4
Report 2 years ago
#4
(Original post by jazmineb.xo)
can someone please read through my drafted but please be brutally honest with any changes to make or anything to add I want to get a 7 or 6

Feeling the rage within as if the ocean had countless tears ready to pound; at the cries of my voice, my sobs for help. Overwatching me as I was nothing but just polluting their space. Hungrily they begged for love, screamed for it. Craving for the warmth inside them, the love they once destroyed, tore apart. But the bottle craved as well; a little vulnerable, alienated bottle. Blaring even louder the ocean but still, nobody cared.

Thrown around the merciless black death and every single wave; eating him alive. Every cry hammering down, immersing the bottle; sinking with the pain to not open up. Physically drowning in his pain. Breath was everything, his devotion to breath. To open up, To be loved, To be wanted.

Fiercely waves tore through the sky becoming more unbearable by the second. Carelessly the ocean struck again, encapsulating the sky. A vigorous smell of salt rebelliously forced itself over his body. The treacherous waters began to fill inside as he was being shoved down. Mementos came inundating back of how he was once cherished, so precious to someone, a moment when his family did not indifference him. Nonchalantly started to spill open, the thing he conserved away, the secrets. He began to howl, shriek, beg for it all stop.

It was too late, the black death inside him did not care for him neither did it love him. Carrying on throwing and tossing the bottle back and forth as they yelped with laughter.

Just one sequested bottle.
Firstly, like @xoamox said, your use of semicolon isn't correct in the given context... honestly, there's no point trying to use sophisticated grammar if you use it incorrectly. "Playing safe" for punctuation is okay here, unless you really want to learn how to use semicolons - they aren't interchangeable to commas! You do have a great range of vocabulary though; it's both broad and advanced and can help you massively if used correctly. However, after reading your writing, it seems like you cram in so many complex words that it becomes difficult to read. Please don't feel the need to use an adverb before you write a sentence - "Hungrily they begged for love, screamed for it" could have sounded 100x better by just removing "hungrily". It goes straight to the point, no messing about, and that truly conveys a sense of rawness and emotion. It's much harder to evoke emotion from people if you stuff your writing full of long words.
Also, try re-reading the first sentence. Does it make sense to you? It's just one long sentence fragment - it's not a complete thought.
And finally, try cutting down on the adverbs at the beginning of your sentences, I think it would improve your work greatly.
Good luck! I hope I wasn't too harsh lmao
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jazmineb.xo
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#5
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#5
(Original post by xoamox)
I like the approach you've taken, however manyyy students write like this and you need to be different to stand out to the examiners. You should work on your punctuation - the semi-colons that you've added don't really make sense. Also, you don't always have to add heavy detail in all the sentences; after using a certain technique e.g. a metaphor, maybe have a short simple sentence following it. Overall though, I'm sure you'll be able to get a 7 if you consistently practise creative writing. I hope that was helpful, and good luck!
thank you honestly that helped me so much and i’ll take on board your advise
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xoamox
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#6
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#6
(Original post by jazmineb.xo)
thank you honestly that helped me so much and i’ll take on board your advise
I'm glad that you will, if you need any more help in the future then do feel free to message me
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jazmineb.xo
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#7
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#7
honestly thank you and i actually liked the fact you gave actual feedback instead of just saying “yes it’s good keep practising “ but thank you
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