creative writing question 5

(Original post by jazmineb.xo)
can someone please read through my drafted but please be brutally honest with any changes to make or anything to add I want to get a 7 or 6

Feeling the rage within as if the ocean had countless tears ready to pound; at the cries of my voice, my sobs for help. Overwatching me as I was nothing but just polluting their space. Hungrily they begged for love, screamed for it. Craving for the warmth inside them, the love they once destroyed, tore apart. But the bottle craved as well; a little vulnerable, alienated bottle. Blaring even louder the ocean but still, nobody cared.

Thrown around the merciless black death and every single wave; eating him alive. Every cry hammering down, immersing the bottle; sinking with the pain to not open up. Physically drowning in his pain. Breath was everything, his devotion to breath. To open up, To be loved, To be wanted.

Fiercely waves tore through the sky becoming more unbearable by the second. Carelessly the ocean struck again, encapsulating the sky. A vigorous smell of salt rebelliously forced itself over his body. The treacherous waters began to fill inside as he was being shoved down. Mementos came inundating back of how he was once cherished, so precious to someone, a moment when his family did not indifference him. Nonchalantly started to spill open, the thing he conserved away, the secrets. He began to howl, shriek, beg for it all stop.

It was too late, the black death inside him did not care for him neither did it love him. Carrying on throwing and tossing the bottle back and forth as they yelped with laughter.

Just one sequested bottle.

(Original post by jazmineb.xo)
can someone please read through my drafted but please be brutally honest with any changes to make or anything to add I want to get a 7 or 6

Feeling the rage within as if the ocean had countless tears ready to pound; at the cries of my voice, my sobs for help. Overwatching me as I was nothing but just polluting their space. Hungrily they begged for love, screamed for it. Craving for the warmth inside them, the love they once destroyed, tore apart. But the bottle craved as well; a little vulnerable, alienated bottle. Blaring even louder the ocean but still, nobody cared.

Thrown around the merciless black death and every single wave; eating him alive. Every cry hammering down, immersing the bottle; sinking with the pain to not open up. Physically drowning in his pain. Breath was everything, his devotion to breath. To open up, To be loved, To be wanted.

Fiercely waves tore through the sky becoming more unbearable by the second. Carelessly the ocean struck again, encapsulating the sky. A vigorous smell of salt rebelliously forced itself over his body. The treacherous waters began to fill inside as he was being shoved down. Mementos came inundating back of how he was once cherished, so precious to someone, a moment when his family did not indifference him. Nonchalantly started to spill open, the thing he conserved away, the secrets. He began to howl, shriek, beg for it all stop.

It was too late, the black death inside him did not care for him neither did it love him. Carrying on throwing and tossing the bottle back and forth as they yelped with laughter.

Just one sequested bottle.

(Original post by jazmineb.xo)
can someone please read through my drafted but please be brutally honest with any changes to make or anything to add I want to get a 7 or 6

Feeling the rage within as if the ocean had countless tears ready to pound; at the cries of my voice, my sobs for help. Overwatching me as I was nothing but just polluting their space. Hungrily they begged for love, screamed for it. Craving for the warmth inside them, the love they once destroyed, tore apart. But the bottle craved as well; a little vulnerable, alienated bottle. Blaring even louder the ocean but still, nobody cared.

Thrown around the merciless black death and every single wave; eating him alive. Every cry hammering down, immersing the bottle; sinking with the pain to not open up. Physically drowning in his pain. Breath was everything, his devotion to breath. To open up, To be loved, To be wanted.

Fiercely waves tore through the sky becoming more unbearable by the second. Carelessly the ocean struck again, encapsulating the sky. A vigorous smell of salt rebelliously forced itself over his body. The treacherous waters began to fill inside as he was being shoved down. Mementos came inundating back of how he was once cherished, so precious to someone, a moment when his family did not indifference him. Nonchalantly started to spill open, the thing he conserved away, the secrets. He began to howl, shriek, beg for it all stop.

It was too late, the black death inside him did not care for him neither did it love him. Carrying on throwing and tossing the bottle back and forth as they yelped with laughter.

Just one sequested bottle.

(Original post by xoamox)
I like the approach you've taken, however manyyy students write like this and you need to be different to stand out to the examiners. You should work on your punctuation - the semi-colons that you've added don't really make sense. Also, you don't always have to add heavy detail in all the sentences; after using a certain technique e.g. a metaphor, maybe have a short simple sentence following it. Overall though, I'm sure you'll be able to get a 7 if you consistently practise creative writing. I hope that was helpful, and good luck!

(Original post by jazmineb.xo)
thank you honestly that helped me so much and i’ll take on board your advise