URGENT - AQA GCSE English Language Paper 2 Feedback

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TSR George
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Question : Write a speech for a school debate to persuade young people to take more responsibility for protecting the environment.
I have wrote the opening half to this question and would like an idea of what mark I'd get (AQA GCSE English Language Paper 2) if I sustain this level. Thanks in advance:

Climate change - bored to death hearing those two words ever few minutes. Eating... climate change on the news. Playing video games... climate change notification. Sleep-deprived eyes aimlessly staring into space... a climate change speech.

Yes, I know how you're feeling. Actually, maybe I don't, but that's not the point anyway. The point is, to put it as plainly as one possibly can: we are all destroying OUR planet. Not my planet, not your planet, and certainly not Mr Jeffry's planet. OUR planet. The planet that our children will live in - the planet that our grandchildren will live in, and -

- the planet that will be destroyed... by US! By every single one of us. "Is it too late?" I hear one of you ask. Well, I don't know the answer to that, but what I do know is that we can all make a difference - now. We need to act now, before it is too late and we rob the future generation of the life that they deserve to have and the world they deserve to live in.

So, how can you help? How can you take more responsibility for protecting the environment?

Firstly, you can recycle waste, in particular plastic bags. Easy right? Correct, but can you be bothered? Or will you continue acting in the same selfish manner? For every one plastic bag recycled, one fewer plastic bag that ends up in landfill or the ocean, and one step closer to potentially saving our planet.
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Jevans2208
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The main problem I see in this is that it is too over-the-top with comedy. It is good to have some comedic values in your writing and to connect with your audience (Who is, in this case, your classmates). However, as it is a debate, it needs to be more factual. Open your speech relating to the audience, maybe slip in a slight bit of comedy (Don't overdo it! - only 1 or 2 jokes or whatever you want to call them). Try and get your points across in an ordered way and present the audience with facts. It is about a mix of facts, opinions and rhetorical questions that will get you marks. Do not overdo rhetorical questions however, as that will drag you down too. They are used for impact on the audience, bringing them back into your speech and making them think about the topic at hand, but they can often become annoying if overused. Another thing is: do not contradict yourself! When you said "Or maybe I don't", it makes you sound weak and unconvinced by your own argument. The majority of students listening will be sick to death of those words, so go with that and make your speech cater to that majority. You are not aiming to change your speech for everyone's opinions and needs.

I'd say at the moment this speech would get about a low 7ish mainly due to the fact that it is short, and there is a misuse of comedy and audience interaction. Just don't overdo it. I'm fairly certain you are able to use made-up figures - let's say you "Did a survey of the school about recycling". As long as these figures you make up are realistic and not completely silly, you can use them to support your argument. It is very good to put in lots of facts. I'd suggest reading news or watching it to stay up-to-date with current affairs as they are often issues that will come up in these questions.

It is looking good though, you have lots of time to improve before GCSE's
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