dolphins123
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i wrote a paragraph for gcse practice. can someone read through it and tell me where i can improve and how?

In the exposition of the play, Portia and Nerissa begin to catalogue the potential suitors that she would have to marry in act 1 scene 2. Whilst doing so, Portia complains in her prose dialogue that her ‘will as a living daughter is curbed by the will of her dead father’, Portia’s feelings about the unjust circumstances of her marriage are expressed through the antanalasis of the homophone ‘will’, bringing further attention to her words. Thus, Shakespeare reminds his audience of the absurdity that a ‘living’ daughter has to be dependant of the desires of a person who is behind their gravestone. The similarity of Portia’s unjust circumstance to young Elizabethan women, who were also living in a patriarchal society, subtly reminds an Elizabethan audience of the insanity of the treatment of women within their society as they had also adapted to a society dominated by men. Although Portia does not openly express her emotions about the inequitable treatment of Women in a Venetian society, she subtly hints upon her distaste for the social convention, she describes England as a ‘naughty world’ suggesting that Portia is unhappy about the expectations and beliefs within a society like Venice. Although there is a clear escalation of the play as a whole, by placing this adjective towards the resolution of his comedic play, Shakespeare hints that unjust social views about aspects of society like how women are perceived seem to not change in a society similar to Elizabethan England.
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Jevans2208
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(Original post by dolphins123)
i wrote a paragraph for gcse practice. can someone read through it and tell me where i can improve and how?

In the exposition of the play, Portia and Nerissa begin to catalogue the potential suitors that she would have to marry in act 1 scene 2. Whilst doing so, Portia complains in her prose dialogue that her ‘will as a living daughter is curbed by the will of her dead father’, Portia’s feelings about the unjust circumstances of her marriage are expressed through the antanalasis of the homophone ‘will’, bringing further attention to her words. Thus, Shakespeare reminds his audience of the absurdity that a ‘living’ daughter has to be dependant of the desires of a person who is behind their gravestone. The similarity of Portia’s unjust circumstance to young Elizabethan women, who were also living in a patriarchal society, subtly reminds an Elizabethan audience of the insanity of the treatment of women within their society as they had also adapted to a society dominated by men. Although Portia does not openly express her emotions about the inequitable treatment of Women in a Venetian society, she subtly hints upon her distaste for the social convention, she describes England as a ‘naughty world’ suggesting that Portia is unhappy about the expectations and beliefs within a society like Venice. Although there is a clear escalation of the play as a whole, by placing this adjective towards the resolution of his comedic play, Shakespeare hints that unjust social views about aspects of society like how women are perceived seem to not change in a society similar to Elizabethan England.
Wow, the analysis is amazing and the analytical tone is very professional. In GCSE's, you would usually write a paragraph to 1) make a point and 2) Back it up using evidence. The only thing I could pick out for improvement is that there is no overall point or argument in the paragraph to answer the question. It does completely depend on the question however, and I am very sure that you will be able to create a point and back it up using well-picked quotations with this great analysis.
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dolphins123
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Wow, the analysis is amazing and the analytical tone is very professional. In GCSE's, you would usually write a paragraph to 1) make a point and 2) Back it up using evidence. The only thing I could pick out for improvement is that there is no overall point or argument in the paragraph to answer the question. It does completely depend on the question however, and I am very sure that you will be able to create a point and back it up using well-picked quotations with this great analysis.
ty so much for the advice. u r right! I realised i didn't actually think about the line of argument in my essay, i will improve on that!! what grade would u say this piece of writing is? and do u think i should vary my sentence/punctuation structures a bit for a higher grade ( my board is edexcel btw )
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Jevans2208
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ty so much for the advice. u r right! I realised i didn't actually think about the line of argument in my essay, i will improve on that!! what grade would u say this piece of writing is? and do u think i should vary my sentence/punctuation structures a bit for a higher grade ( my board is edexcel btw )
I am using edexcel too, I'd say about a 7/8 but it would be a 9 if it had a continuous point. It reads really well and flows very nicely, so don't worry too much about the punctuation unless your teachers say it is an issue. Good luck
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giella
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Not enough AO2 or AO1 but your understanding of the context of the scene is quite high.

When marking AO1, I look to see if I can work out the question or task from the way the answer is written. Questions give you an opportunity to be the experimenter or the theorist-experimenter. For the former, you’re testing a theory that someone has given you. For the latter, you’re coming with your own theory and testing it. I don’t really get much of a sense of either from your paragraph. It’s more of a narrative than an investigation.

For AO2 in an extract question I would expect to see at least some in-depth analysis of language or structure but there’s little evidence of either. However good your AO3 is, I would struggle to award a high mark for AO2 here, especially as your analysis is inaccurate. That’s not a homophone. Needs to be accurate.
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If I were marking (and I do have marking experience) I’d give it a 6. Yes, you would lose marks for poor punctuation and your argument and analysis are just not strong or clear enough to merit any higher.
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If I were marking (and I do have marking experience) I’d give it a 6. Yes, you would lose marks for poor punctuation and your argument and analysis are just not strong or clear enough to merit any higher.
Jeez that's harsh but fair enough if you have experience. From my POV it's great, better than my writing. Looks like my grade would be a goddamn 5 lol
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giella
thank you so much, this really gives me a clearer idea for how i should improve my work, my teacher also marked my previous work around the 5/6 area.

to meet A01, if i were to utilise the ' theorist-experimenter' method, would i have to come up with one line of argument of my own for the essay as a whole and then explore the aspects of the play that support that line of argument, whilst acknowledging alternative arguments too? how many points would u recommend to have for your line(s) of argument?

to refrain myself from writing like a narrative, should i prevent myself from waffling about what has happened to the character in the play to give the reader background information of my essay( i feel like this is a bad habit of mine)?

for AO2, when discussing the lang, form and structure, how much evidence would u recommend to place per paragraph and how would u link form in with structure and language when doing so, i find that quite frustrating at times, because that's where i tend to begin writing as if it were a narrative(i get a bit caught up in linking my statements together rather than leading it to an argument)?

sorry if there are quite alot of questions
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(Original post by Jevans2208)
I am using edexcel too, I'd say about a 7/8 but it would be a 9 if it had a continuous point. It reads really well and flows very nicely, so don't worry too much about the punctuation unless your teachers say it is an issue. Good luck
thank u, i'll also begin to extend my punctuation.
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Jeez that's harsh but fair enough if you have experience. From my POV it's great, better than my writing. Looks like my grade would be a goddamn 5 lol
Simple and accurate is better than over-written and under-evidenced. Take this sentence:
Although there is a clear escalation of the play as a whole, by placing this adjective towards the resolution of his comedic play, Shakespeare hints that unjust social views about aspects of society like how women are perceived seem to not change in a society similar to Elizabethan England.

The paragraph has jumped from talking about Act 1 scene 2 to talking about a quote from elsewhere in the play which is entirely without context and without explaining what the link between the two is. This sentence is the first point at which I learn I’m no longer in Act 1 Scene 2 and that I am I fact being directed towards the end of the play which is disorientating and confusing. Furthermore, I don’t know what is meant by “escalation of the play as a whole”. It’s not even really clear which adjective the writer is referring to and why the fact said adjective appears at the end of the play is significant is anyone’s guess.

I could do some work to fill in some blanks but these are blanks that the writer has left and, as the marker, that’s not my job. I can’t mark what’s not there so I’m obliged to apple the criteria for a lower band when marking this answer.
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giella
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giella
thank you so much, this really gives me a clearer idea for how i should improve my work, my teacher also marked my previous work around the 5/6 area.

to meet A01, if i were to utilise the ' theorist-experimenter' method, would i have to come up with one line of argument of my own for the essay as a whole and then explore the aspects of the play that support that line of argument, whilst acknowledging alternative arguments too? how many points would u recommend to have for your line(s) of argument?

to refrain myself from writing like a narrative, should i prevent myself from waffling about what has happened to the character in the play to give the reader background information of my essay( i feel like this is a bad habit of mine)?

for AO2, when discussing the lang, form and structure, how much evidence would u recommend to place per paragraph and how would u link form in with structure and language when doing so, i find that quite frustrating at times, because that's where i tend to begin writing as if it were a narrative(i get a bit caught up in linking my statements together rather than leading it to an argument)?

sorry if there are quite alot of questions
It’s difficult to say without having a question to hand.

If the question is, “how does Shakespeare present such and such in this extract and the play as a whole”, here you’re the theorist. At the beginning of your paragraph, you would present your interpretation and show where your interpretation comes from e.g. Shakespeare presents Skylock as such and such...” and go to identify the evidence that supports this point. For the essay as a whole, it helps to write at least three points, each exploring a separate angle or interpretation, in order to provide a well rounded perspective.
If you get given a point of view and asked to what extent you agree, you have an easier time of it. Take the point at face value at first, then falsify the idea, then suggest an alternative. Again, it takes three paragraphs at a minimum to do this right.

For your analysis and evidence, you need to present your evidence as a case in point of whatever point you happen to be making. So, for instance, if you were presenting the idea/testing the theory that Shylock were a villainous character, you would reach for an example of his behaviour or language that evidenced that point e.g. “Shylock’s cruelty is evident in his attitude toward...in which he describes...as...” you present the context around the quote or example of behaviour in terms of who, what, where, when, why etc. as this information is as important as the behaviour or the language/quote itself. To be fair, you seem to understand this as you make an attempt to comment on the timing of a quote as well as the language itself, but you lose marks for AO1 because it’s so disorientating to read. It would be difficult for someone else reading it to come to the same conclusion as you because you didn’t provide all the relevant information upfront, so it’s difficult to take your word for it that what you’re saying is correct.

For analysis of language I say generally that I’m interested in one thing in the end: has the candidate considered the relationship between the language used and the context it’s used within. This means you have to describe/label the language in terms of its salient features and then consider whether it’s matched to the context it’s used in or not.

For instance, if I chose to present the following quotation in evidence of a point about Shylock’s villainy:

“...I can give no reason, not I will not/More than a lodg’d hate and a certain loathing/I bear Antonio, that I follow thus/A losing suit against him...

I would be considering the following facts: that Shylock is expressing his dislike of Antonio (what) in such bald and unmitigated terms (how) in a courtroom (where), a most public as forum as possible, whilst also confessing publicly that he is motivated by dislike rather than a sense of justice (what/why). Such a context generally demands that people be more equivocal or at the very least restrained in their expression, so I can see a potential mismatch between context and Shylock‘s language. It’s that gap between language and context that I’m interested in and what this reveals about his character. That he expresses his disdain for Antonio with such reckless abandon in this setting suggests that he is both very confident of winning and that he relishes in being able to hate so openly and with apparent impunity, revealing a void of compassion within the character to which it may be difficult for many audience members to relate.

You use the analysis of evidence to develop and effectively prove your point, considering additional layers of external context that may have influenced audience members’ reception of a scene etc

I have to call it there because I’m falling asleep typing.
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Foreverneek
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(Original post by dolphins123)
i wrote a paragraph for gcse practice. can someone read through it and tell me where i can improve and how?

In the exposition of the play, Portia and Nerissa begin to catalogue the potential suitors that she would have to marry in act 1 scene 2. Whilst doing so, Portia complains in her prose dialogue that her ‘will as a living daughter is curbed by the will of her dead father’, Portia’s feelings about the unjust circumstances of her marriage are expressed through the antanalasis of the homophone ‘will’, bringing further attention to her words. Thus, Shakespeare reminds his audience of the absurdity that a ‘living’ daughter has to be dependant of the desires of a person who is behind their gravestone. The similarity of Portia’s unjust circumstance to young Elizabethan women, who were also living in a patriarchal society, subtly reminds an Elizabethan audience of the insanity of the treatment of women within their society as they had also adapted to a society dominated by men. Although Portia does not openly express her emotions about the inequitable treatment of Women in a Venetian society, she subtly hints upon her distaste for the social convention, she describes England as a ‘naughty world’ suggesting that Portia is unhappy about the expectations and beliefs within a society like Venice. Although there is a clear escalation of the play as a whole, by placing this adjective towards the resolution of his comedic play, Shakespeare hints that unjust social views about aspects of society like how women are perceived seem to not change in a society similar to Elizabethan England.
Which exam board / question is this for?

You need a clear point e.g. Shakespeare uses Portia's character to explore the limitations of patriarchal ideology.

You need to discuss the effect of techniques as opposed to simply identifying them e.g. what is the effect of prose? As an English teacher, I have never referenced an 'antanalasis of [a] homophone' (and 'will' is a noun here, an ambiguous one referring to a literal document as well as her father's intent). Focus on the meaning of the words rather than trying to be sophisticated with terminology - it impedes the clarity of your response.

Shakespeare's audience would not have found Portia's subservience absurd or insane. Shakespeare, in many ways, was ahead of his time. As a result, throughout the play, Portia can be read either as a subservient daughter and wife or as a subversive figure with some agency. In many ways, Portia is vocal / expressive about the inequality of the sex-gender hierarchy, expressing her discontent to Nerissa in her desire to manipulate the casket challenge by using a glass of wine to influence the suitor's choice.

There is much more relevant evidence or interesting evidence that you could have chosen. You could consider, for example, Portia's use of disguise to imitate a male lawyer and move to the public sphere - occupied by male characters as seen in the male dominated nature of A1S1 - as opposed to the domestic sphere of Belmont which is reserved for female characters. Her choice of clothing to follow Bassanio to Venice illustrates that she recognises she can only gain greater social power in the appearance of a man; however, her prowess in saving Antonio and manipulating Shylock into the position of a criminal illustrates how a woman is capable of more than domestic tasks, even without formal education. This also leads into the ring plot in which both Portia and Nerissa exert control over their husbands, subverting the expected patriarchal hierarchy.
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It’s difficult to say without having a question to hand.

If the question is, “how does Shakespeare present such and such in this extract and the play as a whole”, here you’re the theorist. At the beginning of your paragraph, you would present your interpretation and show where your interpretation comes from e.g. Shakespeare presents Skylock as such and such...” and go to identify the evidence that supports this point. For the essay as a whole, it helps to write at least three points, each exploring a separate angle or interpretation, in order to provide a well rounded perspective.
If you get given a point of view and asked to what extent you agree, you have an easier time of it. Take the point at face value at first, then falsify the idea, then suggest an alternative. Again, it takes three paragraphs at a minimum to do this right.

For your analysis and evidence, you need to present your evidence as a case in point of whatever point you happen to be making. So, for instance, if you were presenting the idea/testing the theory that Shylock were a villainous character, you would reach for an example of his behaviour or language that evidenced that point e.g. “Shylock’s cruelty is evident in his attitude toward...in which he describes...as...” you present the context around the quote or example of behaviour in terms of who, what, where, when, why etc. as this information is as important as the behaviour or the language/quote itself. To be fair, you seem to understand this as you make an attempt to comment on the timing of a quote as well as the language itself, but you lose marks for AO1 because it’s so disorientating to read. It would be difficult for someone else reading it to come to the same conclusion as you because you didn’t provide all the relevant information upfront, so it’s difficult to take your word for it that what you’re saying is correct.
thank you so much for all this information and the examples. i'll make sure to use the theorist tip to structure my paragraphs, to make them more concise. i'll attempt to rewrite this and hopefully be able to post it on this thread. again thank u so much for the help
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dolphins123
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(Original post by Foreverneek)
Which exam board / question is this for?

You need a clear point e.g. Shakespeare uses Portia's character to explore the limitations of patriarchal ideology.

You need to discuss the effect of techniques as opposed to simply identifying them e.g. what is the effect of prose? As an English teacher, I have never referenced an 'antanalasis of [a] homophone' (and 'will' is a noun here, an ambiguous one referring to a literal document as well as her father's intent). Focus on the meaning of the words rather than trying to be sophisticated with terminology - it impedes the clarity of your response.

Shakespeare's audience would not have found Portia's subservience absurd or insane. Shakespeare, in many ways, was ahead of his time. As a result, throughout the play, Portia can be read either as a subservient daughter and wife or as a subversive figure with some agency. In many ways, Portia is vocal / expressive about the inequality of the sex-gender hierarchy, expressing her discontent to Nerissa in her desire to manipulate the casket challenge by using a glass of wine to influence the suitor's choice.

There is much more relevant evidence or interesting evidence that you could have chosen. You could consider, for example, Portia's use of disguise to imitate a male lawyer and move to the public sphere - occupied by male characters as seen in the male dominated nature of A1S1 - as opposed to the domestic sphere of Belmont which is reserved for female characters. Her choice of clothing to follow Bassanio to Venice illustrates that she recognises she can only gain greater social power in the appearance of a man; however, her prowess in saving Antonio and manipulating Shylock into the position of a criminal illustrates how a woman is capable of more than domestic tasks, even without formal education. This also leads into the ring plot in which both Portia and Nerissa exert control over their husbands, subverting the expected patriarchal hierarchy.
thank u for this help. i did make a mistake with my terminology, and i did not think about those points whilst writing this essay. i am going to write a paragraph with the help of all the tips that i have been given, especially the example about portia and the public sphere. how would you link ur points from one paragraph/idea to another without waffling too much\?
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hi i wrote a pargraph to the question:

Explain the importance of deception elsewhere in the play

Shylock, the hated Jew, makes a living through the practice of usury and uses deception when Antonio asks to borrow money from him. Shylock’s hate is evident from his aside at the beginning of Act 1 scene 3; he expresses his strong distaste through the fricative alliteration to express a harsh tone when he describes Antonio as a ‘fawning Publican’, hinting that he has a strong distaste for Antonio. Whilst hiding his dislike for Antonio, Shakespeare switches Shylock’s tone when conversing with Antonio from harsh to respectful. He expresses the bond "in a merry sport"(I, iii, 141) and uses this bond to also show that "would be friends with [Antonio], and have [his] love"(I, iii, 134). Hence, the discrepant awareness between the Audience and Antonio, demonstrate the deceptiveness of Shylock’s character in order to obtain “an equal pound of [his] fair flesh"(I, iii, 145-146) for a bond. Although, Shylock’s deceptiveness to persuade Antonio seems to heighten the an Elizabethan Audience’s expectation of Shylock to be quite greedy as a Jewish character within the play since jews in an Elizabethan Society were associated with traditional Christian prejudiced stereotypes of Jews like greediness often, Shakespeare explores that the motif of deception within the play is not solely based of how villainous the character seems in the play. This is highlighted a few scenes later, in act 3 scene 1, Shylock’s asyndeton expresses the mistreatment that he experienced as a jew in a Venetian society when he questions ‘hath not a jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses affection’. By listing nouns that a human would typically have, Shakespeare expresses the reasoning behind Shylock’s strong distaste, thus, his deceitful actions are justified.

can someone plz read through it and see if i have improved, and what areas i can improve in further.
tyyy
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giella
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hi i wrote a pargraph to the question:

Explain the importance of deception elsewhere in the play

Shylock, the hated Jew, makes a living through the practice of usury and uses deception when Antonio asks to borrow money from him. Shylock’s hate is evident from his aside at the beginning of Act 1 scene 3; he expresses his strong distaste through the fricative alliteration to express a harsh tone when he describes Antonio as a ‘fawning Publican’, hinting that he has a strong distaste for Antonio. Whilst hiding his dislike for Antonio, Shakespeare switches Shylock’s tone when conversing with Antonio from harsh to respectful. He expresses the bond "in a merry sport"(I, iii, 141) and uses this bond to also show that "would be friends with [Antonio], and have [his] love"(I, iii, 134). Hence, the discrepant awareness between the Audience and Antonio, demonstrate the deceptiveness of Shylock’s character in order to obtain “an equal pound of [his] fair flesh"(I, iii, 145-146) for a bond. Although, Shylock’s deceptiveness to persuade Antonio seems to heighten the an Elizabethan Audience’s expectation of Shylock to be quite greedy as a Jewish character within the play since jews in an Elizabethan Society were associated with traditional Christian prejudiced stereotypes of Jews like greediness often, Shakespeare explores that the motif of deception within the play is not solely based of how villainous the character seems in the play. This is highlighted a few scenes later, in act 3 scene 1, Shylock’s asyndeton expresses the mistreatment that he experienced as a jew in a Venetian society when he questions ‘hath not a jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses affection’. By listing nouns that a human would typically have, Shakespeare expresses the reasoning behind Shylock’s strong distaste, thus, his deceitful actions are justified.

can someone plz read through it and see if i have improved, and what areas i can improve in further.
tyyy
You’re telling the examiner that deception is used in the play but you’re not really exploring its importance/significance.
The Merchant of Venice is a play that hinges on dishonesty and deception. Think about Jessica and Portia. Their roles are all about deception. For Portia, it’s a natural extension of her rather manipulative character and determination to get what she wants. For Jessica, it’s similar but it ends in betrayal. The only one who experiences lasting consequences for deception is Shylock....
The question is asking you to consider the theme of deception and how it is used to drive the plot. The structural parallels within the story invite the audiences to make comparisons between the characters: two done out of love, one done out of hate. Two done by women to subvert social conventions governing the freedom of their sex, one done to subvert the restrictions on his religion and social status...
These sorts of questions require you to think in terms of macroanalysis, not microanalysis of shoehorned in quotes. I’m guessing you’ve got an extract to consider and then to consider the rest of the play as well. The extract will provide you with all the opportunity to analyse language that you need. The discussion of the rest of the play requires you to think about the play as a whole, not to jam in every quote you can remember and to bend it to the needs of the question.

I will point out one more thing as well. Any analysis that depends on a candidate identifying a noun, adjective or verb is unlikely to score well. You’re completely missing the pragmatic significance of what he’s doing with that final quote. By describing a Jew in terms of their anatomical features, Shylock is describing Jews as objectively human, thereby inviting audiences to observe that objective truth. He uses nouns because that’s what human attributes are. You may as well say he uses a collection of phonemes that combine to form the nouns that describe the feature that a human would typically have. It adds nothing to your analysis and misses the point. Every examiner’s report basically screams at candidates not to do this, so please don’t.
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(Original post by giella)
You’re telling the examiner that deception is used in the play but you’re not really exploring its importance/significance.
The Merchant of Venice is a play that hinges on dishonesty and deception. Think about Jessica and Portia. Their roles are all about deception. For Portia, it’s a natural extension of her rather manipulative character and determination to get what she wants. For Jessica, it’s similar but it ends in betrayal. The only one who experiences lasting consequences for deception is Shylock....
The question is asking you to consider the theme of deception and how it is used to drive the plot. The structural parallels within the story invite the audiences to make comparisons between the characters: two done out of love, one done out of hate. Two done by women to subvert social conventions governing the freedom of their sex, one done to subvert the restrictions on his religion and social status...
These sorts of questions require you to think in terms of macroanalysis, not microanalysis of shoehorned in quotes. I’m guessing you’ve got an extract to consider and then to consider the rest of the play as well. The extract will provide you with all the opportunity to analyse language that you need. The discussion of the rest of the play requires you to think about the play as a whole, not to jam in every quote you can remember and to bend it to the needs of the question.

I will point out one more thing as well. Any analysis that depends on a candidate identifying a noun, adjective or verb is unlikely to score well. You’re completely missing the pragmatic significance of what he’s doing with that final quote. By describing a Jew in terms of their anatomical features, Shylock is describing Jews as objectively human, thereby inviting audiences to observe that objective truth. He uses nouns because that’s what human attributes are. You may as well say he uses a collection of phonemes that combine to form the nouns that describe the feature that a human would typically have. It adds nothing to your analysis and misses the point. Every examiner’s report basically screams at candidates not to do this, so please don’t.
Thank u so much for giving me more feedback, i should use macroanalysis for whole play essays, and thank u for the advice on the noun analysis.
i have rewritten this, but i don't think the paragraph fully give an insight to how i develop my points further in the essay. if it's alright, can u check if this has improved ( and what grade i may be at possibly?) so i know what my next targets should be.

rewrite
In Shakespeare's comedy, ‘The Merchant Of venice’, the appearance of a character plays a great role in the way they are perceived, proving appearance to be deceptive in the play. Portia hints in the exposition of the play that she is already distraught that ‘the will of a living daughter is curbed by the will of a dead father’, the antanaclasis of ‘will’ reflects the frustration she experiences as a woman living in a Patriarchal society which would of been relatable to an audience living in an Elizabethan society. However, Portia bases her impression of her suitors on their appearance when nerissa begins to catalogue her suitors in their prose dialogue; she describes Morroco to have ‘a miscomplexion of a devil’, Shakespeare presents Portia’s mockery in a humorous tone as an Elizabethan audience would of regarded these racial remarks hysterically, despite the fact that Portia has never met the prince of morocco. Her lack of knowledge regarding her suitor, illustrates how misleading appearance can be in the play as Portia is quick to have an impression of the prince of Morocco. The impact of appearance is also demonstrated...
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(Original post by dolphins123)
Thank u so much for giving me more feedback, i should use macroanalysis for whole play essays, and thank u for the advice on the noun analysis.
i have rewritten this, but i don't think the paragraph fully give an insight to how i develop my points further in the essay. if it's alright, can u check if this has improved ( and what grade i may be at possibly?) so i know what my next targets should be.

rewrite
In Shakespeare's comedy, ‘The Merchant Of venice’, the appearance of a character plays a great role in the way they are perceived, proving appearance to be deceptive in the play. Portia hints in the exposition of the play that she is already distraught that ‘the will of a living daughter is curbed by the will of a dead father’, the antanaclasis of ‘will’ reflects the frustration she experiences as a woman living in a Patriarchal society which would of been relatable to an audience living in an Elizabethan society. However, Portia bases her impression of her suitors on their appearance when nerissa begins to catalogue her suitors in their prose dialogue; she describes Morroco to have ‘a miscomplexion of a devil’, Shakespeare presents Portia’s mockery in a humorous tone as an Elizabethan audience would of regarded these racial remarks hysterically, despite the fact that Portia has never met the prince of morocco. Her lack of knowledge regarding her suitor, illustrates how misleading appearance can be in the play as Portia is quick to have an impression of the prince of Morocco. The impact of appearance is also demonstrated...
1. Really, really, pay close attention to the previous feedback. I think you’ve missed a few things the first time.

2. Your point needs to directly respond to the task set. It doesn’t here. What is the significance of deception? What role does it play?

3. Never say what an audience member would have thought. You can what a writer appears to prompt readers to think but you cannot claim to speak for hundreds of people who lived hundreds of years ago. Unless you’re a mind reader with a time machine, don’t even try.

4. Stop jamming in obscure literary terms. It doesn’t impress, it doesn’t add up, and it doesn’t score marks. If it’s inaccurate, we notice and if it’s beside the point, we don’t care that you noticed. Here, it’s the latter. I’m not impressed that you know what an antanaclasis is because in your haste to get it in there you ignored everything else about what the character was saying. You try to equate all the meaning you have extracted from the sentence from a single rhetorical device. Mathematically, it doesn’t add up, so nul points.

5. Stop throwing the kitchen sink at the point, pick one or two pieces of evidence that actually support the point you’re making and examine them in depth and with care. I have no idea what point you’re making, why you’re making it or how your evidence relates to it. I get the sense that you’re trying to tick off each assessment objective but it’s like someone presented me with eggs, butter, sugar and flower and tried to convince me it’s a cake. There’s no real method or direction to the paragraph. You might get a five or a six at best for that.

Remember:

Point: answer the question/respond to the task. Tell me your theory or test the theory given to you.

Propose your evidence: select evidence which is pertinent to the point you’ve made, say why you’ve selected it and report it with context ie who, what, where, when and how.

Analysis: encode the evidence in the terms of the point you are making. Show why and how that extract, that quote, that example is direct evidence of the point you are making. Does the language match the context? In a play in which nearly everyone deceives, why is it significant that the only character who suffers for it is a Jew? What is significant about the one character who remains naive to the possibility of deception in a play where everyone is deceiving someone else? How does he come across?

On that last point, consider the end of act 1 scene 3, particularly the last five lines. I would argue that Antonio’s obliviousness to the many layers of deception at work on Shylock’s part is almost contemptible. Why might I think this?
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Foreverneek
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(Original post by dolphins123)
hi i wrote a pargraph to the question:

Explain the importance of deception elsewhere in the play

Shylock, the hated Jew, makes a living through the practice of usury and uses deception when Antonio asks to borrow money from him. Shylock’s hate is evident from his aside at the beginning of Act 1 scene 3; he expresses his strong distaste through the fricative alliteration to express a harsh tone when he describes Antonio as a ‘fawning Publican’, hinting that he has a strong distaste for Antonio. Whilst hiding his dislike for Antonio, Shakespeare switches Shylock’s tone when conversing with Antonio from harsh to respectful. He expresses the bond "in a merry sport"(I, iii, 141) and uses this bond to also show that "would be friends with [Antonio], and have [his] love"(I, iii, 134). Hence, the discrepant awareness between the Audience and Antonio, demonstrate the deceptiveness of Shylock’s character in order to obtain “an equal pound of [his] fair flesh"(I, iii, 145-146) for a bond. Although, Shylock’s deceptiveness to persuade Antonio seems to heighten the an Elizabethan Audience’s expectation of Shylock to be quite greedy as a Jewish character within the play since jews in an Elizabethan Society were associated with traditional Christian prejudiced stereotypes of Jews like greediness often, Shakespeare explores that the motif of deception within the play is not solely based of how villainous the character seems in the play. This is highlighted a few scenes later, in act 3 scene 1, Shylock’s asyndeton expresses the mistreatment that he experienced as a jew in a Venetian society when he questions ‘hath not a jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses affection’. By listing nouns that a human would typically have, Shakespeare expresses the reasoning behind Shylock’s strong distaste, thus, his deceitful actions are justified.

can someone plz read through it and see if i have improved, and what areas i can improve in further.
tyyy
Consider the following:

Shakespeare presents Shylock's deception in order to illustrate how he conforms to anti-Semitic stereotypes. More importantly, however, Shylock's deception serves to illustrate how he is degraded and disempowered within society as a result of the prominence of Christianity. He is therefore forced to manipulate Antonio in order to feel any sense of power and take revenge for the abuse he has suffered. Shylock's actions have the appearance of 'kindness' as he removes monetary interest, which Christians oppose as a kind of sin, in exchange for a pound of flesh which he portrays as a 'merry sport'. Shylock purposefully downplays the severity of the bond and the seriousness of the repercussions of failing to return the loan, in order to lull Antonio into a false sense of security. Shylock's true intent is not to obtain money, nor is it 'merry sport' (entertainment). He intends to obtain a different kind of profit: power over Antonio, legitimised through a contract. While this portrays Shylock as a stereotypical Jew, duplicitous and driven by his own need (parallels can be drawn with Barabas in 'The Jew of Malta'), here, deceit is the only way in which Shylock can gain power over Antonio in a society in which he is the Jewish Other. Furthermore, Shylock's deceit is evident in the aside in which he reveals his true feelings for Antonio, stating that he 'hate[s] him for he is a Christian'. Here, Shylock reduces Antonio to his religion, revealing that the opposition between Antonio and Shylock stems from religious differences. His intense feelings of disdain are contrasted to how he addresses Antonio as 'signior', showing deference and an acknowledgment of Antonio's higher status as a Christian man in a Christian society organised around the Great Chain of Being. This illustrates how Shylock's public life is governed and shaped by his inferiority as a Jew, while his concealment of his true feelings reflects his lack of voice within Elizabethan society. Shakespeare portrays Shylock in a more sympathetic way here, as a victim rather than a villain. Ultimately, Shylock's deception of Antonio is a symptom of the injustices and inequalities prevalent in Elizabethan society with Shakespeare critiquing society's treatment of Jews.

I haven't included any analysis - if this is for Edexcel literature (part B of the exam), there is no need to refer to devices. You need to comment more generally on the quotations (inference) in terms of what they allow us to understand about plot, character, and Shakespeare's message.
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cornoclogs
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Hi, does anyone do Great Expectations for english lit? Have been looking for anything about it for ages, and can't seem to find anything
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