Are these signs of a controlling guy? Watch

angelarose
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Hi, so the guy I'm dating for 2 months did/said some things that were red flags to me and I just want to know if I'm being paranoid, or if anyone else would agree. For your reference, he is 10 years older than me, I'm 25, he's 35.

- When together, he started moving my hair to the side and telling me I should wear my hair a different way.

- He said I never smile in my photos and mimicked my closed mouth smile saying I should smile more in pictures.

- He tells me to wear less makeup because he likes it.

- He continued to tell me his female flatmate is a 'good girl' and has got her **** together(good job etc), when he knows I'm unhappy about my current job situation - and was overly flirty with her in my presence, even asking her to join us for dinner while he cooked for us, but she refused as it would have been obv awkward.

- He told me to take my feet off the bed with my socks as I had been walking all day in them.

- Finally, he talks about sex a little bit vulgar with me, and says things to me that are just too much, and asks to take pictures of me in the nude.

Is this normal? I'm desperate for advice. thanks.
Last edited by angelarose; 4 weeks ago
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kai130305
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please leave his ass rn
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by angelarose)
- He continued to tell me his female flatmate is a 'good girl' and got her ducks in a row, and was overly flirty with her in my presence.


- Finally, he talks about sex a little bit vulgar with me, and says things to me that are just too much, and asks to take pictures of me in the nude.
Appart from the 2 points above, I don't see a problem.
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angelarose
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(Original post by kai130305)
please leave his ass rn
why? do you see this as controlling too?
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Rock Fan
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If you are not happy with it then leave him
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Male bloke
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Sounds like he sees you as inferior to himself and thinks you should be grateful or subservient or something. He also obviously sees himself as a huge catch with woman because of how he spoke to the other woman saying 'good girl' Infront of you.

I think films play on people's mind abit about guys like this being serial killers but really most of them are just lame guys who treat woman poorly because they get away with it.

*It's up to you*
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DuckDodgers
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IMO kinda but I advocate talking to him about your problems and then if he can't handle it you should consider your options. Mostly because he's 35 and should be able to deal with basic relationship differences like these. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong.
Last edited by DuckDodgers; 4 weeks ago
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angelarose
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(Original post by Male bloke)
Sounds like he sees you as inferior to himself and thinks you should be grateful or subservient or something. He also obviously sees himself as a huge catch with woman because of how he spoke to the other woman saying 'good girl' Infront of you.

I think films play on people's mind abit about guys like this being serial killers but really most of them are just lame guys who treat woman poorly because they get away with it.

*It's up to you
Yes I agree, do you think it's weird he asked his female flatmate to join us for dinner the first time he cooked for me, is this disrespectful?
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hippieglitter
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- When together, he started moving my hair to the side and telling me I should wear my hair a different way.
He may just be suggesting a different option. If he forces you or tells in a way that makes you think you have to do it to avoid arguments then that may be a problem.

- He said I never smile in my photos and mimicked my closed mouth smile saying I should smile more in pictures.
It is natural to smile in photos and like most people your are probably much prettier when you smile, smiling also indicates happiness. He just wants to see you happy and at your best. By mocking your smile he was probably trying to make you laugh.

- He tells me to wear less makeup because he likes it.
I get this too, my fiance wouldn't stop me wearing make up if i want to but he does say he prefers me without it. It seems a common theme that although guys don't expect the majority of girls to not wear makeup they do seem to prefer their girlfriends without it. If he actively tries to prevent you from wearing make up like hiding things, demanding you take if off if he sees you with it on that's a problem.

- He continued to tell me his female flatmate is a 'good girl' and got her ducks in a row, and was overly flirty with her in my presence.
Some guys do that in an attempt to make their girlfriend jealous. Its a very immature way to behave and it's not nice. Just tell him you don't like it.

- He told me to take my feet off the bed with my socks as I had been walking all day in them.
That is unusual, I don't like people putting their shoes on my furniture but socks aren't a problem, do you have a habit of going outside in just your socks or are your floors particularly dirty?

- Finally, he talks about sex a little bit vulgar with me, and says things to me that are just too much, and asks to take pictures of me in the nude.
That is an age thing. Him being so much older than you he thinks of sex in a different way. Vulgarity is not always good but it is accepted between close couples as long as it doesn't spill over into public settings. Maybe he just like to talk dirty or has some fantasies that he wants to share with you. As long as he is not being physically unacceptable i don't see a problem.
Last edited by hippieglitter; 4 weeks ago
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Bang Outta Order
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(Original post by angelarose)
Hi, so the guy I'm dating for 2 months did/said some things that were red flags to me and I just want to know if I'm being paranoid, or if anyone else would agree. For your reference, he is 10 years older than me, I'm 25, he's 35.

- When together, he started moving my hair to the side and telling me I should wear my hair a different way.

- He said I never smile in my photos and mimicked my closed mouth smile saying I should smile more in pictures.

- He tells me to wear less makeup because he likes it.

- He continued to tell me his female flatmate is a 'good girl' and got her ducks in a row, and was overly flirty with her in my presence, even asking her to join us for dinner while he cooked for us, but she refused as it would have been obv awkward.

- He told me to take my feet off the bed with my socks as I had been walking all day in them.

- Finally, he talks about sex a little bit vulgar with me, and says things to me that are just too much, and asks to take pictures of me in the nude.

Is this normal? I'm desperate for advice. thanks.
Wait....ducks?? What does that mean lol

Anyway erm the mocking your smile is mean. But anything else is petty to be offended by. However. Since you are offended enough then don't ask strangers what to do. His behaviour seems quite typical. People here tend to overreact and make bandwagon decisions lol.
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DiddyDec
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He sounds like a ****.
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FakeNewsEditor
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He sounds majorly cringe and an all around ****ty person.
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Anonymous #2
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yeahh, now be careful getting advice from people on this forum cuz obviously he hasnt done any one big thing that's like okay that's it, but smaller things that show a pattern, which might make people think it's okay
but look at the facts. He's flirting with girls in front of you, comparing you to them using insecurity points (if small! it still matters because these are tell tale signs), he's also telling you how to look as if anyone asked his stupid opinion, and making you feel all round uncomfortable. this guy has an issue with boundaries clearly and he doesnt know when he's crossing the line, or knows but does it anyway, which he has done multiple times with you. whatever his reason, this disrespect cant run and i personally would want out because it will get worse, if this is just the "seeing" stage.
i understand that there are gonna be some good qualities about him that drew you to him or might make you want to justify your stay with him but if you love yourself please leave him, because so far the bads have so much potential to become terrible. not that they should. bad is bad. it makes you uncomfortable (and it would make me hella uncomfortable too), so leave.
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by hippieglitter)
I get this too, my fiance wouldn't stop me wearing make up if i want to but he does say he prefers me without it. It seems a common theme that although guys don't expect the majority of girls to not wear makeup they do seem to prefer their girlfriends without it. If he actively tries to prevent you from wearing make up like hiding things, demanding you take if off if he sees you with it on that's a problem.
I prefer the looks of girls who don't wear makeup or who wear minimal makeup, in general. That would include my hypothetical girlfriend and the other majority of girls. But of course I wouldn't expect random people in my life to not wear makeup because they look nicer to me that way. They're wearing it for themselves, not for me! And of course I'd never try to force or prevent, or probably even persuade, my hypothetical girlfriend from wearing makeup.
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Anonymous #3
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Dump him. Trust your gut feeling.

These are not ok things- a partner should not tell you to do something like wear less makeup, they should respect that you're an individual who can make choices and should want you to be empowered. The thing about flirting with the flatmate is not ok either- you don't want to be with someone who actively tries to make you feel bad about yourself/jealous. Seriously, there are so many people out there who will want you for you and respect your choices.
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Male bloke
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(Original post by angelarose)
Yes I agree, do you think it's weird he asked his female flatmate to join us for dinner the first time he cooked for me, is this disrespectful?
Yeah he's probably hoping for a threesome. He probably sees himself as a jack the lad ladies man type.

From all that you have wrote it does sound to me that he has little to no respect for you or your feelings. I wouldn't be all surprised if he tried creating on you.
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angelarose
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Dump him. Trust your gut feeling.

These are not ok things- a partner should not tell you to do something like wear less makeup, they should respect that you're an individual who can make choices and should want you to be empowered. The thing about flirting with the flatmate is not ok either- you don't want to be with someone who actively tries to make you feel bad about yourself/jealous. Seriously, there are so many people out there who will want you for you and respect your choices.
Thanks for your comment - totally agree with you on this, my gut is definitely saying this is not ok
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kai130305
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(Original post by angelarose)
why? do you see this as controlling too?
ofc thats really toxic
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YaliaV
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All of the little things add up. I would advise against sending nudes to anyone because they can be misused, but I know it’s common practice now. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him personally.
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bones-mccoy
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The hair and smile thing don't seem too bad tbh, uncalled for, but not alarming. But flirting with his flatmate and wanting to take sexual photos are definitely red flags. Could you speak to him about the flirting and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you? I feel his reaction to this will tell you a lot. And never let anyone take nudes of you, you don't know who's going to see them or if they'll ever be sent elsewhere.
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