Mum went through my phone! Watch

hibahhhh
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Yesterday I had an argument with my mum and when I came home from school she came into my room to start yelling at me again.

We started talking (mostly her) and she kept telling me to get out of the house - the fight had been caused bc I am late often In the mornings (I put my hands up, I am.) however this time she just went crazy and started speaking to me like I wasn’t even a human!
She then picked up my phone and forced me to unlock it, then proceeded to go through my text messages and read them- getting me to explain who each person was and what we had discussed.
Honestly I freaked out bc I have had pretty personal conversations on my phone (that I usually delete so NO ONE reads them accidentally) however one of the conversations I had been having while she came into the room therefore I couldn’t delete it. When she came to look at it, she noticed I was freaking out (I have really bad anxiety so that didn’t help) and started interrogating me about a conversation she was never supposed to even see. I managed to get the phone off her in the end and deleted the chat bc honestly I don’t trust her enough to let her read that.
I’m not emotionally close with my mum, I don’t tell her my problems bc quite frankly I don’t trust her and she doesn’t really care about what’s going on I’m my life or how.
I don’t know, am I overreacting by saying she was lowkey out of line? I kind of feel like my privacy has been invaded but she kept saying that it’s her right if I have nothing to hide (which I don’t really, I just wouldn’t want her to hear my conversations the same way she wouldn’t hang out with me and my friends and listen to me then) and also that it’s me who’s making her mistrust me even though I really do not act out or do anything (lol I’m pretty boring).
Can someone just tell me wtf I should think about this?
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Surnia
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How old are you and who is paying for the phone?

Maybe your mum thinks you're slow in the morning because you've been on your phone at night. Don't give her reason to find fault and sort out whatever it is that makes you late.
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Anonymous #1
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disagree with above. no matter what you’re doing, a parent should know that as soon as their kid has no privacy the relationship is going to start deteriorating. there was no valid reason for her to go through your phone unless she believed you were at risk of being harmed. you’re not out of line and now she shouldn’t expect you to trust her. i had this happen to me when i was younger and for a few years it ruined the relationship i had with my mum. if you feel able to talk to her about how it made you feel then do that, but if not, and i don’t expect you to be able to, then feel however you need to. at the end of the day if you don’t do much wrong then there may not be much she can do about it even if she isn’t happy with what she saw. sorry if this didn’t make a ton of sense!
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Surnia
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(Original post by Anonymous)
disagree with above. no matter what you’re doing, a parent should know that as soon as their kid has no privacy the relationship is going to start deteriorating. there was no valid reason for her to go through your phone unless she believed you were at risk of being harmed. you’re not out of line and now she shouldn’t expect you to trust her. i had this happen to me when i was younger and for a few years it ruined the relationship i had with my mum. if you feel able to talk to her about how it made you feel then do that, but if not, and i don’t expect you to be able to, then feel however you need to. at the end of the day if you don’t do much wrong then there may not be much she can do about it even if she isn’t happy with what she saw. sorry if this didn’t make a ton of sense!
So how does someone know their child isn't at risk of being harmed unless they check the content? You've just given the reason why there can't always be privacy.. Furthermore, a parent can have reasonable rules in the house and if they aren't being followed, like no use of phone after a certain time and it suspected it's not being followed, why can't a parent ensure its happening?
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batbruce
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Surnia has a good point.

If she's young and her mum suspects it's due to being on the phone at night, is it right for her parents to check her phone?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Surnia)
So how does someone know their child isn't at risk of being harmed unless they check the content? You've just given the reason why there can't always be privacy.. Furthermore, a parent can have reasonable rules in the house and if they aren't being followed, like no use of phone after a certain time and it suspected it's not being followed, why can't a parent ensure its happening?
then the best option imo would be to just take the phone at night, no reason to go through it. children need boundaries just as how parents wouldn’t tell certain things about their lives to their kids. by the sounds of things, op said their mum snatched their phone from them and started reading their personal messages. to me this sounds like the mum is weaponising their personal life and making it sound like privacy is a privilege. that is not ok and the child then has no reason to trust their parent again.
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krinyapajti
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No its not right. Invading their privacy will only cause more problems both short and long term. Its also patronising to assume their child isn't intelligent enough (emotionally or intellectually) to have an actual conversation with them, where both parties respect one another. I'm not saying have a heart-to-heart but you're teaching your child how to cope with life at the end of the day; as adults they're gonna have to have mature conversations to sort out issues, not have childish, disrespectful, unnecessary fights.
As a parent, at any given time, you're not just dealing with whatever problem's at hand but also setting an example for your child about how to behave and communicate. Frankly, they won't learn much good if you teach them to sort their problems out by abusing their power.
Besides, no matter who's paying for the phone, you're raising an actual human being. It'd not a flipping tamagotchi or a pet that you control, it's a young human that has a fragile inner world and that's looking to see their place/role in social contexts. What kind of image will they have of themselves if you, the person they're supposed to trust, disrespect them in this way?
Besides no2, no wonder OP doesn't trust their mum if she behaves like this.

God i went off on one there. Some previous comments made me a bit mad. OP, either swallow your uncomfortable-ness and have a talk with her about why she shouldnt do that (if you can) or maybe save up some money for a new phone that she doesn't know about. Good luck!
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FrancescaC2000
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(Original post by hibahhhh)
Yesterday I had an argument with my mum and when I came home from school she came into my room to start yelling at me again.

We started talking (mostly her) and she kept telling me to get out of the house - the fight had been caused bc I am late often In the mornings (I put my hands up, I am.) however this time she just went crazy and started speaking to me like I wasn’t even a human!
She then picked up my phone and forced me to unlock it, then proceeded to go through my text messages and read them- getting me to explain who each person was and what we had discussed.
Honestly I freaked out bc I have had pretty personal conversations on my phone (that I usually delete so NO ONE reads them accidentally) however one of the conversations I had been having while she came into the room therefore I couldn’t delete it. When she came to look at it, she noticed I was freaking out (I have really bad anxiety so that didn’t help) and started interrogating me about a conversation she was never supposed to even see. I managed to get the phone off her in the end and deleted the chat bc honestly I don’t trust her enough to let her read that.
I’m not emotionally close with my mum, I don’t tell her my problems bc quite frankly I don’t trust her and she doesn’t really care about what’s going on I’m my life or how.
I don’t know, am I overreacting by saying she was lowkey out of line? I kind of feel like my privacy has been invaded but she kept saying that it’s her right if I have nothing to hide (which I don’t really, I just wouldn’t want her to hear my conversations the same way she wouldn’t hang out with me and my friends and listen to me then) and also that it’s me who’s making her mistrust me even though I really do not act out or do anything (lol I’m pretty boring).
Can someone just tell me wtf I should think about this?
Is your mum paying for the phone? If so it's a privilege not a right. Break the rules and that privilege is taken away it's that simple. Privacy isn't a right either (well as far as digital privacy goes), similarly that will be taken away if rules are broken and you can't be trusted.
My mum read my diary when I was a kid and I LOST my sh*t.
Tbh, this isn't a question as to whether we think its out of order. Do I think it's unfair for parents to read their kid's text messages / diary and similar? ABSOLUTELY! Do I think you can say / do much about it? Unfortunately not.
As I said before, it is a privilege that your parents have every right to take away if they see fit. And that is the way of the unfair world we live in. And you just have to suck it up and try not to be late next time.
Last edited by FrancescaC2000; 4 weeks ago
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hibahhhh
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(Original post by FrancescaC2000)
Is your mum paying for the phone? If so it's a privilege not a right. Break the rules and that privilege is taken away it's that simple. Privacy isn't a right either (well as far as digital privacy goes), similarly that will be taken away if rules are broken and you can't be trusted.
My mum read my diary when I was a kid and I LOST my sh*t.
Tbh, this isn't a question as to whether we think its out of order. Do I think it's unfair for parents to read their kid's text messages / diary and similar? ABSOLUTELY! Do I think you can say / do much about it? Unfortunately not.
As I said before, it is a privilege that your parents have every right to take away if they see fit. And that is the way of the unfair world we live in. And you just have to suck it up and try not to be late next time.
Thanks to everyone for for responding, I really needed opinions on this.
I’m 16, about to turn 17 and I don’t pay for the phone.

Also, my mum didn’t take my phone as a disciplinary action for being late- that was what had caused her to come into the room to discuss with me.
My mum has always had issues controlling her anger (especially on me and she acknowledges this but does nothing about it.) She took the phone to read the messages whilst I was in the room bc she started talking about how I have no morals or ethics and that she doesn’t trust me(which was her just going off on me bc she was mad- my family is religious, me included.) I have never given her a reason to not trust me- I tell her everywhere I got before I go out, I ask permission before I do things and I am there when I need to be (for family and other things.)

The messages were read bc she thought I was talking about her to other people (which I was but she honestly had no way of knowing that) - she thinks it’s disrespectful that I talk to my friends about her as if I am trying to “paint a bad image” of her to my friends without context (which I have never done)
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FrancescaC2000
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(Original post by hibahhhh)
Thanks to everyone for for responding, I really needed opinions on this.
I’m 16, about to turn 17 and I don’t pay for the phone.

Also, my mum didn’t take my phone as a disciplinary action for being late- that was what had caused her to come into the room to discuss with me.
My mum has always had issues controlling her anger (especially on me and she acknowledges this but does nothing about it.) She took the phone to read the messages whilst I was in the room bc she started talking about how I have no morals or ethics and that she doesn’t trust me(which was her just going off on me bc she was mad- my family is religious, me included.) I have never given her a reason to not trust me- I tell her everywhere I got before I go out, I ask permission before I do things and I am there when I need to be (for family and other things.)

The messages were read bc she thought I was talking about her to other people (which I was but she honestly had no way of knowing that) - she thinks it’s disrespectful that I talk to my friends about her as if I am trying to “paint a bad image” of her to my friends without context (which I have never done)
I mean yeah it sound like she just mad af for prolly a multitude of reasons.

Psychologically we tend to use the ones we love and care about most as a punching bag when we cannot target the real issue head on for certain reasons - it's called "kicking the dog". The point with this is that the "dog" will always come back because it is loyal and it loves you, similarly it is easier to target these emotions on the ones you love because they love you back so it's a security that they won't leave.

In what you're saying, I don't think you've done anything wrong and your mother is just trying to deal with her issues. Whether she is doing it in the correct way or not is irrelevant for now. She's your mum and you care about her, accept that she is having a rough time atm for whatever reasons and is taking it out on you, and just show her your support and love.

It's annoying and it's tough and I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from, having been through similar with my own mum, but that's what family is for.
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?
IMO: Take the internal win, and let your mum have a rant. Her pain pushing you out I can assure you was worse than the anger you feel when she has a go at you haha - you owe her
Last edited by FrancescaC2000; 4 weeks ago
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hibahhhh
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(Original post by Surnia)
So how does someone know their child isn't at risk of being harmed unless they check the content? You've just given the reason why there can't always be privacy.. Furthermore, a parent can have reasonable rules in the house and if they aren't being followed, like no use of phone after a certain time and it suspected it's not being followed, why can't a parent ensure its happening?
Thank you for responding!

There is not really a rule like that in the house, I also wasn’t on my phone till late when she took it off me and I rarely go to bed late (lol I need all the sleep I can get.) she took it off me purely to check what I have been saying to people and to who I was speaking to (I have private social media accounts that my mum follows and I speak to pretty much the same people everyday lol)
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hibahhhh
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(Original post by FrancescaC2000)
I mean yeah it sound like she just mad af for prolly a multitude of reasons.

Psychologically we tend to use the ones we love and care about most as a punching bag when we cannot target the real issue head on for certain reasons - it's called "kicking the dog". The point with this is that the "dog" will always come back because it is loyal and it loves you, similarly it is easier to target these emotions on the ones you love because they love you back so it's a security that they won't leave.

In what you're saying, I don't think you've done anything wrong and your mother is just trying to deal with her issues. Whether she is doing it in the correct way or not is irrelevant for now. She's your mum and you care about her, accept that she is having a rough time atm for whatever reasons and is taking it out on you, and just show her your support and love.

It's annoying and it's tough and I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from, having been through similar with my own mum, but that's what family is for.
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?
IMO: Take the internal win, and let your mum have a rant. Her pain pushing you out I can assure you was worse than the anger you feel when she has a go at you haha - you owe her
Thank you again!

Thought I understand your point, my mother and I don’t really have that kind of relationship where the support and love shows through lol.
The reason I asked if this situation is reasonable or not is bc I know she willl drag this out to make it an issue and use it against me- there’s no way she’ll end this with a rant, she only ever talks to me when she is disciplining me (my brother likewise thought he gets away with murder) This isn’t really a one off, she always does kind of crazy stuff all the time and that’s why I haven’t really ever trusted her bc she’s not really like a safety net to me.

I ofc won’t say anything to her or make it an issue bc realistically that will do nothing but make my life in the house worse lol. I will try to take your advice into consideration, thank you!
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FrancescaC2000
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(Original post by hibahhhh)
Thank you again!

Thought I understand your point, my mother and I don’t really have that kind of relationship where the support and love shows through lol.
The reason I asked if this situation is reasonable or not is bc I know she willl drag this out to make it an issue and use it against me- there’s no way she’ll end this with a rant, she only ever talks to me when she is disciplining me (my brother likewise thought he gets away with murder) This isn’t really a one off, she always does kind of crazy stuff all the time and that’s why I haven’t really ever trusted her bc she’s not really like a safety net to me.

I ofc won’t say anything to her or make it an issue bc realistically that will do nothing but make my life in the house worse lol. I will try to take your advice into consideration, thank you!
Ahh … Sounds like you have a similar relationship to me and my dad so I understand this more now.

I took the approach of just not responding to him when he has a go at me (for no reason) and only really talking to him when he wants to talk nicely. So maybe this might be useful to you too?
Granted I can't say much improved but my mental capacity in dealing with his outbursts have improved.
We don't have a great relationship and I have gone weeks without talking to him at all (one of which was through father's day so I didn't get him a card or anything). I can say this has taken it's toll on me - well both of us - but as soon as I got out of there and moved into my own place we stopped clashing and our relationship improved 10 fold, so I hope that will be the case for you too.

On a personal level, don't feel like you're in the wrong because I know my dad made me feel like that a lot and made me feel like I couldn't do ANYTHING right which really put pressure on me and caused me to develop a lot of insecurities. In the end my advice would be, just develop a thickest skin you can and take everything your mum says on the chin and accept that these are HER problems, not yours. - This internal acceptance is the only thing that allowed me to deal with the way my father sometimes treated me and in the end I would actually laugh to myself about it.
I understand it is super difficult to deal with because you love your parents, because they're your parents, but when things like this happen constantly you start to get resentful which you do not want to feel and then that makes it all worse / harder to deal with.
Hope this helps and makes you feel a little better to know you're not on your own and your feelings are valid
Last edited by FrancescaC2000; 4 weeks ago
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ubayd1847
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I totally understand. As a Muslim in a rlly religious family I was in the exact situation just recently. And remember, it's your right to discuss what you like with your friends. you have the right to privacy on your phone. For your mum to do that is unacceptable. I ended up paying for a new phone myself about half a year ago bc similar things were happening.

Always here for you x
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999tigger
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(Original post by hibahhhh)
Yesterday I had an argument with my mum and when I came home from school she came into my room to start yelling at me again.

We started talking (mostly her) and she kept telling me to get out of the house - the fight had been caused bc I am late often In the mornings (I put my hands up, I am.) however this time she just went crazy and started speaking to me like I wasn’t even a human!
She then picked up my phone and forced me to unlock it, then proceeded to go through my text messages and read them- getting me to explain who each person was and what we had discussed.
Honestly I freaked out bc I have had pretty personal conversations on my phone (that I usually delete so NO ONE reads them accidentally) however one of the conversations I had been having while she came into the room therefore I couldn’t delete it. When she came to look at it, she noticed I was freaking out (I have really bad anxiety so that didn’t help) and started interrogating me about a conversation she was never supposed to even see. I managed to get the phone off her in the end and deleted the chat bc honestly I don’t trust her enough to let her read that.
I’m not emotionally close with my mum, I don’t tell her my problems bc quite frankly I don’t trust her and she doesn’t really care about what’s going on I’m my life or how.
I don’t know, am I overreacting by saying she was lowkey out of line? I kind of feel like my privacy has been invaded but she kept saying that it’s her right if I have nothing to hide (which I don’t really, I just wouldn’t want her to hear my conversations the same way she wouldn’t hang out with me and my friends and listen to me then) and also that it’s me who’s making her mistrust me even though I really do not act out or do anything (lol I’m pretty boring).
Can someone just tell me wtf I should think about this?
In nearly all scenarios I think its a gross invasion of privacy and she had no right to go through the phone.
You are remarkably well organised if you always delete your conversations.

The only time where it might be justified is if you are in contact with someone who is a danger to you and you have been warned not to contact them. She doesnt seem to have found anything, so I think its a warning that she will do it again.
Get a dual sim or do as you are which is having no evidence trail.
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Neverland_girl17
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I mean, all I can say is welcome to my world!

I have had this all my life, fortunatley I tend to tell my mum things so it isn't too much of a shock but both my parents have been known to look through both my phone and laptop.

When I was younger I could understand as them looking through my phone has got me out of some situations involving toxic friends sending me things (based on the columbine shootings and whatnot) so I suppose i'm greatful for that...but now that I'm 17 I have had the conversation many times of why they do it and the only answer they give is:

'Until you pay for it yourself, that phone is technically mine'

You can kind of see where they're coming from.

If you argue with your mum more though she'll probably be more suspicious, maybe just talk to her more about the things worrying you, make her aware that she should be able to trut you!
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Lolarichards2k17
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(Original post by hibahhhh)
Yesterday I had an argument with my mum and when I came home from school she came into my room to start yelling at me again.

We started talking (mostly her) and she kept telling me to get out of the house - the fight had been caused bc I am late often In the mornings (I put my hands up, I am.) however this time she just went crazy and started speaking to me like I wasn’t even a human!
She then picked up my phone and forced me to unlock it, then proceeded to go through my text messages and read them- getting me to explain who each person was and what we had discussed.
Honestly I freaked out bc I have had pretty personal conversations on my phone (that I usually delete so NO ONE reads them accidentally) however one of the conversations I had been having while she came into the room therefore I couldn’t delete it. When she came to look at it, she noticed I was freaking out (I have really bad anxiety so that didn’t help) and started interrogating me about a conversation she was never supposed to even see. I managed to get the phone off her in the end and deleted the chat bc honestly I don’t trust her enough to let her read that.
I’m not emotionally close with my mum, I don’t tell her my problems bc quite frankly I don’t trust her and she doesn’t really care about what’s going on I’m my life or how.
I don’t know, am I overreacting by saying she was lowkey out of line? I kind of feel like my privacy has been invaded but she kept saying that it’s her right if I have nothing to hide (which I don’t really, I just wouldn’t want her to hear my conversations the same way she wouldn’t hang out with me and my friends and listen to me then) and also that it’s me who’s making her mistrust me even though I really do not act out or do anything (lol I’m pretty boring).
Can someone just tell me wtf I should think about this?
My mum has done this before and it infuriates me beyond belief. It’s out of line and it’s your property. I’m in the same position in terms of trusting my mum too. My strategy is just avoid as much as possible. I don’t sit with my parents any time other than dinner or if we’re out together. I feel your frustration and you’re allowed to be angry. If she does it again, tell her she needs to respect your privacy because she has no right to make you feel like you did
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smurfontheseboys
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(Original post by Surnia)
So how does someone know their child isn't at risk of being harmed unless they check the content? You've just given the reason why there can't always be privacy.. Furthermore, a parent can have reasonable rules in the house and if they aren't being followed, like no use of phone after a certain time and it suspected it's not being followed, why can't a parent ensure its happening?
op is just dumb for giving her the pass or not deleting it/uninstalled apps

besides its probs teen humour/sex talk ect
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Popsiclez
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(Original post by hibahhhh)
Yesterday I had an argument with my mum and when I came home from school she came into my room to start yelling at me again.

We started talking (mostly her) and she kept telling me to get out of the house - the fight had been caused bc I am late often In the mornings (I put my hands up, I am.) however this time she just went crazy and started speaking to me like I wasn’t even a human!
She then picked up my phone and forced me to unlock it, then proceeded to go through my text messages and read them- getting me to explain who each person was and what we had discussed.
Honestly I freaked out bc I have had pretty personal conversations on my phone (that I usually delete so NO ONE reads them accidentally) however one of the conversations I had been having while she came into the room therefore I couldn’t delete it. When she came to look at it, she noticed I was freaking out (I have really bad anxiety so that didn’t help) and started interrogating me about a conversation she was never supposed to even see. I managed to get the phone off her in the end and deleted the chat bc honestly I don’t trust her enough to let her read that.
I’m not emotionally close with my mum, I don’t tell her my problems bc quite frankly I don’t trust her and she doesn’t really care about what’s going on I’m my life or how.
I don’t know, am I overreacting by saying she was lowkey out of line? I kind of feel like my privacy has been invaded but she kept saying that it’s her right if I have nothing to hide (which I don’t really, I just wouldn’t want her to hear my conversations the same way she wouldn’t hang out with me and my friends and listen to me then) and also that it’s me who’s making her mistrust me even though I really do not act out or do anything (lol I’m pretty boring).
Can someone just tell me wtf I should think about this?
Be honest you forgot to hide your nudes
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by FrancescaC2000)
Is your mum paying for the phone? If so it's a privilege not a right. Break the rules and that privilege is taken away it's that simple. Privacy isn't a right either (well as far as digital privacy goes)
Privacy IS a right and digital privacy is equal to any other kind of privacy.

Sure the mum could take the phone, but a breach of a privacy is not ok, under almost all circumstances.
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