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Vaginismus is ****ing me off now!
Hi everyone,
I used to be the idealistic young woman who wanted to have sex in a proper relationship (or at least one I felt comfortable in) before I was 30 at least. I've been with someone for years and seeing people before and I can't do it. I've done everything but, but I can't get the penetration bit down.
I can only after months of practice get a tampon in when it's swimming with lube (heh, sorry) and it canes when I pull it out, however lightly, however angled. I've seen sexual doctors about it, and whilst I've made progress, it's taken me A WHOLE YEAR to even try (I'm a pessimist).
I'm in my 20s and I've had enough
anyone else had this problem and overcome it? I just want to be normal
I used to be the idealistic young woman who wanted to have sex in a proper relationship (or at least one I felt comfortable in) before I was 30 at least. I've been with someone for years and seeing people before and I can't do it. I've done everything but, but I can't get the penetration bit down.
I can only after months of practice get a tampon in when it's swimming with lube (heh, sorry) and it canes when I pull it out, however lightly, however angled. I've seen sexual doctors about it, and whilst I've made progress, it's taken me A WHOLE YEAR to even try (I'm a pessimist).
I'm in my 20s and I've had enough
anyone else had this problem and overcome it? I just want to be normalScroll to see replies
I don't know anyone else with this problem, but I'm sure quite a few do and they just don't talk about it.
The fact you have been able to use a tampon in the first place is a very good sign as it shows you are making good progress. If you stay positive and determined and take things in stages im sure things are bound to gradually get much easier.
It sounds like you are doing all that can possibly be done for the moment, if you are seeing all the recommended doctors etc. The only thing you lack is positive attitude, which is something you can work on if you really want to. Dont ever give up hope!
Maybe councelling would be an option if you were willing to consider it, as it may help you feel more positive about everything.
The fact you have been able to use a tampon in the first place is a very good sign as it shows you are making good progress. If you stay positive and determined and take things in stages im sure things are bound to gradually get much easier.
It sounds like you are doing all that can possibly be done for the moment, if you are seeing all the recommended doctors etc. The only thing you lack is positive attitude, which is something you can work on if you really want to. Dont ever give up hope!
Maybe councelling would be an option if you were willing to consider it, as it may help you feel more positive about everything.
Sounds like you've gone down the best routes already, eg seeing the right doctors etc, so the only thing that could be suggested is to just keep at it and practise like mad!
Also you could try a set of these http://www.vaginismus.com/products/dilator_set
but they dont look too tempting to me.
Also you could try a set of these http://www.vaginismus.com/products/dilator_set
but they dont look too tempting to me.
I can't advise you, just wanted to sympathise. I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we haven't been able to have sex. I hate vaginismus.
Wow, thanks for all the quick replies!
I did practise like mad before...I actually managed to get a vibrator in but stung so much when I got quite a bit in. Do you think it could be the hymen tearing? It's weird, I can't ever seem to do that again, maybe it's jut fear of the pain.
I hve considered dilators...I guess it'd be better to know that the sizes are arranged due to comfort, might put me at more ease. Thanks for that!
Phantom Phenoix, I def. know what you mean. I wish there was just a stretching device I could use like a painless pair of calipers!
I did practise like mad before...I actually managed to get a vibrator in but stung so much when I got quite a bit in. Do you think it could be the hymen tearing? It's weird, I can't ever seem to do that again, maybe it's jut fear of the pain.
I hve considered dilators...I guess it'd be better to know that the sizes are arranged due to comfort, might put me at more ease. Thanks for that!
Phantom Phenoix, I def. know what you mean. I wish there was just a stretching device I could use like a painless pair of calipers!
Anonymous
Wow, thanks for all the quick replies!
I did practise like mad before...I actually managed to get a vibrator in but stung so much when I got quite a bit in. Do you think it could be the hymen tearing? It's weird, I can't ever seem to do that again, maybe it's jut fear of the pain.
I hve considered dilators...I guess it'd be better to know that the sizes are arranged due to comfort, might put me at more ease. Thanks for that!
Phantom Phenoix, I def. know what you mean. I wish there was just a stretching device I could use like a painless pair of calipers!
I did practise like mad before...I actually managed to get a vibrator in but stung so much when I got quite a bit in. Do you think it could be the hymen tearing? It's weird, I can't ever seem to do that again, maybe it's jut fear of the pain.
I hve considered dilators...I guess it'd be better to know that the sizes are arranged due to comfort, might put me at more ease. Thanks for that!
Phantom Phenoix, I def. know what you mean. I wish there was just a stretching device I could use like a painless pair of calipers!
Do you still use those painful pieces of crap called tampons? I hate them so went for mooncups, they go in a lot easier as they're rubber (plus they're easier to lube) but do take a bit of practice with folding and angling... If you've tried or you use stop me here!
I think the best thing to do would to practice quite a bit, heard of beginniner bunny's from ann summers? If it was causing me pain I'd rather ease myself into it, but then I'm a bit of a 'grit your teeth n bare it' girl, and I eventually got used to it. good luck
I think it is the build up/worry in your head. I'd definitely keep on with the vibrators-they should help you relax and prepare for the real thing. And definitely check out the dilators. Once you get over the worry/tension, sex will be fine...I think that although the vagina seems small it can fit a lot more in than you'd expect, and you won't damage yourself by trying sex or other things.Good luck
And use the tampons with applicators...sooo much easier and comfortable to insert than non-applicators.Think they have ones now which have a 'silky/smooth' texture, so easier to insert.
And use the tampons with applicators...sooo much easier and comfortable to insert than non-applicators.Think they have ones now which have a 'silky/smooth' texture, so easier to insert.
thanette
I think it is the build up/worry in your head.
In a lot of cases, it isn't though. I have had trouble with vaginismus, and I am the most easygoing and liberal person when it comes to sex. I was incredulous when the penis just did not go in!!! No matter how relaxed and comfortable (emotionally and mentally as well as physically) and madly turned on I was- nada. And if I tried to force a vibe in- well, the pain was similar to a cheese grater on my delicate bits- not conducive to enjoyment, let alone orgasming!
I did see a few doctors just to iron out the possibility that there might be something wrong in my anatomy, and that was good for reassurance, because at least you know then that if everything is designed as it should be, you can concentrate on the rogue muscles.
Just keep practising. I was always fine with tampons, but that was about the biggest thing that felt comfortable for aaaages. I started with a very slim, small vibrator, and got dilators from the doctor, and then bigger vibrators. It WILL get better and better!
saoirse
Yup, sure. I just thought in this case it sounded like the problem.
I had a similar scenario to yours saoirse, when I went on the pill. The desire was there, but physically my body would not allow sex. Was awful, and effectively led to many other problems in the relationship as a result.
I'd never heard of it until I read 'Until I find You' by John Irving, one of the main characters of which has the condition. No advice here, sorry, just sympathy, it sounds ****ing horrible.
Please keep anon or delete.
Has it always been that way for you op?? I lost my virginity about 2 ish weeks ago and it hurt loads and I bled and it kept coming out... Every time we've tried since (about 4/5 times) I've bled progressively less and it's going in easier but it still hurting and I am still bleeding... How do you know you've got vaginismus? Do you reckon it's just taking a little while with me but I don't have it because it is hurting less and I'm bleeding less too?
Has it always been that way for you op?? I lost my virginity about 2 ish weeks ago and it hurt loads and I bled and it kept coming out... Every time we've tried since (about 4/5 times) I've bled progressively less and it's going in easier but it still hurting and I am still bleeding... How do you know you've got vaginismus? Do you reckon it's just taking a little while with me but I don't have it because it is hurting less and I'm bleeding less too?
Edit: Just re-read the OP - as penetration was possible, but just excruciatingly painful, my problem was less severe than yours - so sorry if this isn't relevant.
Before I lost my virginity, I couldn't get a tampon in at all, but I hoped I'd be fine once I'd had sex a couple of times. Then I had sex, and that was even more painful than putting in a tampon. Obviously everyone feels some pain when they first lose their virginity, but for me it was agonisingly painful every time we did it, and we did it a couple of times a week for months and months, with no lessening of the pain. Lube didn't really help, and didn't make tampons less painful either. After about 8 months, I eventually went to see a specialist about it and I was prescribed... anaesthetic cream. How incredibly romantic. Naturally I wasn't keen to use that, and soon afterwards I broke up with the long-term boyfriend I had lost it to anyway. I then went about 10 months without sleeping with anyone, before having a fling with a friend I adore, in which, yet again, the sex was totally awful because I was in so much pain I felt faint. Then, literally about a week later, I met my current boyfriend, and when we slept together... very little pain. I have been sleeping with him for about 9 months now, and as long as we use plenty of lube it's almost always painless. For the first time ever, I'm actually enjoying sex. Tampons still hurt when they're pulled out, but I can get them in.
I have no idea why my vagina suddenly started accepting visitors - I'm not a subscriber to all that "just relax and it'll be fine" stuff, because I was very keen to have sex with both of my previous boyfriends, and I cared about them both, but still it was INCREDIBLY painful. I'm a pretty sensual, confident person and didn't have any secret moral hang-ups about sex. I desperately wanted to enjoy it, I was relaxed, and yet still, sex felt like I was being stabbed inside by a serrated knife. And, erm, all three guys I've been with were fairly... similar, so I don't think a particularly large willy was the problem. I wish I could give you more constructive advice, but please, take heart - it might just spontaneously resolve itself. Mine did.
Oh, and the doctor who gave me the anaesthetic cream said that if I hadn't been about to break up with my boyfriend (I told her I wasn't planning to be sexually active in the near future, hahaha), she could have prescribed a very low-dose antidepressant - apparently low doses (of tricyclics, I think?) can relieve chronic pain without having any effect on your brain chemistry. Have you discussed that with your doctor?
One final tip - sorry if this is a bit rude for H&R, but does your boyfriend always make you orgasm before sex? I found it really helps - not only does your body's natural lube help, but also, I find it all goes a bit numb down there once I've come, and, tragic as it sounds, numb bits don't hurt as much during sex.
Good luck xxx
Before I lost my virginity, I couldn't get a tampon in at all, but I hoped I'd be fine once I'd had sex a couple of times. Then I had sex, and that was even more painful than putting in a tampon. Obviously everyone feels some pain when they first lose their virginity, but for me it was agonisingly painful every time we did it, and we did it a couple of times a week for months and months, with no lessening of the pain. Lube didn't really help, and didn't make tampons less painful either. After about 8 months, I eventually went to see a specialist about it and I was prescribed... anaesthetic cream. How incredibly romantic. Naturally I wasn't keen to use that, and soon afterwards I broke up with the long-term boyfriend I had lost it to anyway. I then went about 10 months without sleeping with anyone, before having a fling with a friend I adore, in which, yet again, the sex was totally awful because I was in so much pain I felt faint. Then, literally about a week later, I met my current boyfriend, and when we slept together... very little pain. I have been sleeping with him for about 9 months now, and as long as we use plenty of lube it's almost always painless. For the first time ever, I'm actually enjoying sex. Tampons still hurt when they're pulled out, but I can get them in.
I have no idea why my vagina suddenly started accepting visitors - I'm not a subscriber to all that "just relax and it'll be fine" stuff, because I was very keen to have sex with both of my previous boyfriends, and I cared about them both, but still it was INCREDIBLY painful. I'm a pretty sensual, confident person and didn't have any secret moral hang-ups about sex. I desperately wanted to enjoy it, I was relaxed, and yet still, sex felt like I was being stabbed inside by a serrated knife. And, erm, all three guys I've been with were fairly... similar, so I don't think a particularly large willy was the problem. I wish I could give you more constructive advice, but please, take heart - it might just spontaneously resolve itself. Mine did.
Oh, and the doctor who gave me the anaesthetic cream said that if I hadn't been about to break up with my boyfriend (I told her I wasn't planning to be sexually active in the near future, hahaha), she could have prescribed a very low-dose antidepressant - apparently low doses (of tricyclics, I think?) can relieve chronic pain without having any effect on your brain chemistry. Have you discussed that with your doctor?
One final tip - sorry if this is a bit rude for H&R, but does your boyfriend always make you orgasm before sex? I found it really helps - not only does your body's natural lube help, but also, I find it all goes a bit numb down there once I've come, and, tragic as it sounds, numb bits don't hurt as much during sex.
Good luck xxx
Anonymous
Please keep anon or delete.
Has it always been that way for you op?? I lost my virginity about 2 ish weeks ago and it hurt loads and I bled and it kept coming out... Every time we've tried since (about 4/5 times) I've bled progressively less and it's going in easier but it still hurting and I am still bleeding... How do you know you've got vaginismus? Do you reckon it's just taking a little while with me but I don't have it because it is hurting less and I'm bleeding less too?
Has it always been that way for you op?? I lost my virginity about 2 ish weeks ago and it hurt loads and I bled and it kept coming out... Every time we've tried since (about 4/5 times) I've bled progressively less and it's going in easier but it still hurting and I am still bleeding... How do you know you've got vaginismus? Do you reckon it's just taking a little while with me but I don't have it because it is hurting less and I'm bleeding less too?
It hurt because thats what happens, you did not have vaginismus! >.<
Surely you would know thats how it works when you lose your virginity?
Also, how can the OP know if its 'taking a little while' with you if she can't have sex.
OP, have you tried non-penatrive sex such as clit stim?
saoirse
Out of curiosity did this help if you used it?...
I didn't use it - partially because me and the boyfriend broke up a couple of weeks later. Also, given my problem, it was difficult to use - the doctor said I'd have to put it on about an hour before sex, and I'd have to put it inside me; as I found penetration even with my own fingers to be very painful, I didn't fancy poking around up there.
Try some stuff called instillagel. It's a mild anaesthetic and lubricant.
I mean this for using dialators or vibrators or whatever you choose just to get through the painful beginnings. When they start to go in easier you could then try with just lube etc. etc.
Then it isn't taking the intimacy out of sex because it isn't for the sex, it's to get you used to the penetration...although there is a bit more to sex than just penetration.
Oh and the instillagel stuff is like a syringe so no penetration needed to "squirt it up" so to speak
I mean this for using dialators or vibrators or whatever you choose just to get through the painful beginnings. When they start to go in easier you could then try with just lube etc. etc.
Then it isn't taking the intimacy out of sex because it isn't for the sex, it's to get you used to the penetration...although there is a bit more to sex than just penetration.
Oh and the instillagel stuff is like a syringe so no penetration needed to "squirt it up" so to speak
I'm confused though...how can anaesthetic gels work apart from in the short term?...
Is the idea that the vagina "knows" it can be stretched? Surely when you go to attempt penetration without the gel then everything will tighten up like a vice again, because you would have full feeling in the area again?
Is the idea that the vagina "knows" it can be stretched? Surely when you go to attempt penetration without the gel then everything will tighten up like a vice again, because you would have full feeling in the area again?
saoirse
I'm confused though...how can anaesthetic gels work apart from in the short term?...
Is the idea that the vagina "knows" it can be stretched? Surely when you go to attempt penetration without the gel then everything will tighten up like a vice again, because you would have full feeling in the area again?
Is the idea that the vagina "knows" it can be stretched? Surely when you go to attempt penetration without the gel then everything will tighten up like a vice again, because you would have full feeling in the area again?
There's a reason pornstar's are loose
If you get the vagina used to stretching then the pain is likely to become less and less of a factor...The pain is caused by the stretching non??? Or is it because of an allergy for dicks and anything dick like?! thought not...
When I did/tried to lose my virginity (I'm not sure if it really "counted") it got some of the way in, but was really really sore.. I reckon it got maybe 2 inches in? I'm pretty sure my hymen is already broken.
I don't have any problem with tampons or fingering, so is it unlikely I have vaginismus?
I don't have any problem with tampons or fingering, so is it unlikely I have vaginismus?
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