Hi please could someone mark this poetry comparison essay?

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ck1503
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“ Compare the ways in which poets present ideas about war in Bayonet Charge and another poem in the anthology” (30 marks) (AQA)

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leviosaaar
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hah okay I’m in no way a teacher or can really mark this for you but I thought I’d pick out a few things that could help you improve? You make some good points but I think you seem to have trouble communicating them, hence all the crossing out. Anyway stuff that could help:

- when you’re explaining a point make sure you say what the writer or the poet does, not just what examples of x exist in the poem. Instead of ‘an example of the presentation of PTSD in... is...’ you need to say something more like ‘The poet presents PTSD in ... by using vivid imagery such as...’
Talking about the writer or the poet always helps to relate your point back to the question and avoid your essay sounding like a list of literary techniques.

- watch out with how you comment on the structure at the end of that 2nd para - ‘both poets also use stanza length...’ doesn’t quite work - you can’t use stanza length, you can vary the length or keep the length regular, or follow some kind of pattern. Your point works though, just needs rephrasing - for example ‘Both poets also reflect the nature of the speaker’s memories through the structure of the stanzas, as the stanzas maintain a regular length throughout the poems. This suggests the familiarity of the speakers flashbacks...’ and it would be useful to specify that you’re talking about flashbacks because they’re a symptom of PTSD

- Be careful at the end, remind yourself what you’re writing about, what your argument is. You comment on the writers showing ‘how war affects people’, but in an essay about PTSD you want to be more specific - what are those effects? (Stress, panic, potentially leading to suicide etc) The points work, you just need to be more specific and expand upon them.

but yeah I’m not a teacher or anything, they should be able to help you more.

Hope this helped in some way tho! lol
Good luck xx
Last edited by leviosaaar; 2 years ago
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prssrules9
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(Original post by ck1503)
“ Compare the ways in which poets present ideas about war in Bayonet Charge and another poem in the anthology” (30 marks) (AQA)

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Writing this as I read through:
Lovely point about the imagery of 'raw seamed hot khaki', but this point could do with being a bit more specific- what kind of imagery does the phrase provoke?
Relating 'raw' to fresh memories is a really good point but maybe reword it a little: your point in the margin may also benefit from being first. For example: "the repetition of the adjective 'raw' emphasises and details the manner of these memories; the connotations of 'raw' suggests that the soldier's memories are fresh and painful..."
Great explanation of the use of 'hot'! To take it up a notch, use word classes if you know them- for example, hot is an adjective so you could write: "the adjective 'hot'..."
I love the fact you've used the comparative 'similarly'! It shows that you've really thought about the connections across the text. It's always good to compare within the same paragraph, too, so that if you run out of time you're still hitting your AOs!!
Tiny comment- in the introduction you've put the titles in apostrophes- you should try to do this throughout (but I don't think you'll lose marks if you don't)!
Amazing analysis and still comparing throughout!
"Cemetarys" should be "Cemeteries"

I'm not a professional marker or anything, just using what I was taught at GCSE. I got an 8 in English Language and a 9 in Literature and I'm in my second year (Year 13) of an English Lang/Lit combined course at A-Level. It looks really good and you have a really good understanding of the texts and English overall, but I think adding the little things I've suggested will bring it up a notch. I hope this helped!!
Last edited by prssrules9; 2 years ago
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Chendog
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For a 30 mark question, you need to ideally be concerning 3 different points to show enough variety in your knowledge and thoroughly conclude the essay. I think your 2nd paragraph needed more comparison, you made the point and explained but you need to relate at the end to show the relevance of your conclusion. I think the first paragraph was good, you made a point and backed it up, concluding at the end with another bit of coincident evidence. If you can practice and write three of these you are up to 25+ marks!

I know how hard writing essays is and these poems are not easy but I recommend Stacey Reay on youtube if you need help for the best quotes to use. I learnt quotes from only 3 poems and decided that whatever came up I would compare it to kamikaze. In my opinion, despite all my classmates telling me that Ozymandias was the one because it was so easy and London because of its imagery I could compare kamikaze to everything else. In case you were interested I got a 7 in literature and made me the happiest of all my grades
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cleobella1503
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(Original post by Chendog)
For a 30 mark question, you need to ideally be concerning 3 different points to show enough variety in your knowledge and thoroughly conclude the essay. I think your 2nd paragraph needed more comparison, you made the point and explained but you need to relate at the end to show the relevance of your conclusion. I think the first paragraph was good, you made a point and backed it up, concluding at the end with another bit of coincident evidence. If you can practice and write three of these you are up to 25+ marks!

I know how hard writing essays is and these poems are not easy but I recommend Stacey Reay on youtube if you need help for the best quotes to use. I learnt quotes from only 3 poems and decided that whatever came up I would compare it to kamikaze. In my opinion, despite all my classmates telling me that Ozymandias was the one because it was so easy and London because of its imagery I could compare kamikaze to everything else. In case you were interested I got a 7 in literature and made me the happiest of all my grades
Thank You this was rlly helpful, I’ll check that youtuber out. 🙂
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ck1503
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(Original post by leviosaaar)
hah okay I’m in no way a teacher or can really mark this for you but I thought I’d pick out a few things that could help you improve? You make some good points but I think you seem to have trouble communicating them, hence all the crossing out. Anyway stuff that could help:

- when you’re explaining a point make sure you say what the writer or the poet does, not just what examples of x exist in the poem. Instead of ‘an example of the presentation of PTSD in... is...’ you need to say something more like ‘The poet presents PTSD in ... by using vivid imagery such as...’
Talking about the writer or the poet always helps to relate your point back to the question and avoid your essay sounding like a list of literary techniques.

- watch out with how you comment on the structure at the end of that 2nd para - ‘both poets also use stanza length...’ doesn’t quite work - you can’t use stanza length, you can vary the length or keep the length regular, or follow some kind of pattern. Your point works though, just needs rephrasing - for example ‘Both poets also reflect the nature of the speaker’s memories through the structure of the stanzas, as the stanzas maintain a regular length throughout the poems. This suggests the familiarity of the speakers flashbacks...’ and it would be useful to specify that you’re talking about flashbacks because they’re a symptom of PTSD

- Be careful at the end, remind yourself what you’re writing about, what your argument is. You comment on the writers showing ‘how war affects people’, but in an essay about PTSD you want to be more specific - what are those effects? (Stress, panic, potentially leading to suicide etc) The points work, you just need to be more specific and expand upon them.

but yeah I’m not a teacher or anything, they should be able to help you more.

Hope this helped in some way tho! lol
Good luck xx
Thank you so much 😊
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ck1503
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#7
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#7
(Original post by Chendog)
For a 30 mark question, you need to ideally be concerning 3 different points to show enough variety in your knowledge and thoroughly conclude the essay. I think your 2nd paragraph needed more comparison, you made the point and explained but you need to relate at the end to show the relevance of your conclusion. I think the first paragraph was good, you made a point and backed it up, concluding at the end with another bit of coincident evidence. If you can practice and write three of these you are up to 25+ marks!

I know how hard writing essays is and these poems are not easy but I recommend Stacey Reay on youtube if you need help for the best quotes to use. I learnt quotes from only 3 poems and decided that whatever came up I would compare it to kamikaze. In my opinion, despite all my classmates telling me that Ozymandias was the one because it was so easy and London because of its imagery I could compare kamikaze to everything else. In case you were interested I got a 7 in literature and made me the happiest of all my grades
(Original post by prssrules9)
Writing this as I read through:
Lovely point about the imagery of 'raw seamed hot khaki', but this point could do with being a bit more specific- what kind of imagery does the phrase provoke?
Relating 'raw' to fresh memories is a really good point but maybe reword it a little: Your point in the margin may also benefit from being first. For example: "the repetition of the adjective 'raw' emphasises and details the manner of these memories; the connotations of 'raw' suggests that the soldier's memories are fresh and painful..."
Great explanation of the use of 'hot'! To take it up a notch, use word classes if you know them- for example, hot is an adjective so you could write: "the adjective 'hot'..."
I love the fact you've used the comparative 'similarly'! It shows that you've really thought about the connections across the text. It's always good to compare within the same paragraph, too, so that if you run out of time you're still hitting your AOs!!
Tiny comment- in the introduction you've put the titles in apostrophes- you should try to do this throughout (but I don't think you'll lose marks if you don't)!
Amazing analysis and still comparing throughout!
"Cemetarys" should be "Cemeteries"

I'm not a professional marker or anything, just using what I was taught at GCSE. I got an 8 in English Language and a 9 in Literature and I'm in my second year (Year 13) of an English Lang/Lit combined course at A-Level. It looks really good and you have a really good understanding of the texts and English overall, but I think adding the little things I've suggested will bring it up a notch. I hope this helped!!
Thank you !! 🙂
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Bc23
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#8
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#8
(Original post by leviosaaar)
hah okay I’m in no way a teacher or can really mark this for you but I thought I’d pick out a few things that could help you improve? You make some good points but I think you seem to have trouble communicating them, hence all the crossing out. Anyway stuff that could help:

- when you’re explaining a point make sure you say what the writer or the poet does, not just what examples of x exist in the poem. Instead of ‘an example of the presentation of PTSD in... is...’ you need to say something more like ‘The poet presents PTSD in ... by using vivid imagery such as...’
Talking about the writer or the poet always helps to relate your point back to the question and avoid your essay sounding like a list of literary techniques.

- watch out with how you comment on the structure at the end of that 2nd para - ‘both poets also use stanza length...’ doesn’t quite work - you can’t use stanza length, you can vary the length or keep the length regular, or follow some kind of pattern. Your point works though, just needs rephrasing - for example ‘Both poets also reflect the nature of the speaker’s memories through the structure of the stanzas, as the stanzas maintain a regular length throughout the poems. This suggests the familiarity of the speakers flashbacks...’ and it would be useful to specify that you’re talking about flashbacks because they’re a symptom of PTSD

- Be careful at the end, remind yourself what you’re writing about, what your argument is. You comment on the writers showing ‘how war affects people’, but in an essay about PTSD you want to be more specific - what are those effects? (Stress, panic, potentially leading to suicide etc) The points work, you just need to be more specific and expand upon them.

but yeah I’m not a teacher or anything, they should be able to help you more.

Hope this helped in some way tho! lol
Good luck xx
Could you please mark my work and tell me what I should improve. What grade would you give my work.
I chose Kamikaze as my second poem.

Compare how poets present the ways people are affected by difficult experiences in "Remains" and one other poem.


Both Remains and Kamikaze explores the reality of conflict and the long term impact this has on a person through the ways in which war strips away people's humanity, dehumanising them in order to turn them into weapons of war.

Both poems emphasise the reality of war through the soldier's challenging experiences.In the poem, Kamikaze, Garland examines the effect social pressures has on a person. When setting off on his mission the Kamikaze pilot is shown to have a "flask of water,a samurai sword…, a head full of incantations". The fact that the pilot had a "samurai sword" and a "shaven head" is used to indicate how deeply engraved samurai culture is with in the military which shows how he was expected to give up his life in order to fulfill his mission. The use of the word "incantations" suggests that the Kamikaze pilot is under a spell, which in this instance the "spell" that the pilot is under is the effects of psychological conditioning from patriotism and Japanese culture, this shows how the pilot is unable to make his own decisions. Garland uses the long listing sentence to reflect how immense social pressures were for the soldiers.Moreover, the listing sentence is presented in a matter of fact tone which shows the pilot's indifference to the assortment of cultural items. This implies that the pilot felt unwilling, and therefore was pressured, to join the military as the pilot doesn't seem to have a strong sense of patriotic duty for his country. The poet begins to expose the way in which people were coerced into joining the military and were expected to give up their identity and lives for the sake of their country. In a similar way, Remains demonstrates the effect of military expectations through the way soldiers lose their individuality. Armatige uses the image of the three soldiers to present the loss of soldiers individuality. The soldiers are never mentioned by name but are referred to as "three of a kind", this makes clear their loss of individuality and humanity as they have been stripped of the aspect of what makes them human - their names. Perhaps, Armatige could have also not given the soldiers a name to highlight how this one soldier affected by this but a collection of soldiers, especially as the poem was based on the experiences of real service men.The poet shows how war has made all soldiers to think the same way, suggesting that they become emotionless beings that suspect everyone being the enemy. Both poets expose the way in which soldiers are conditioned to serve the military with blind obedience and are treated as tools of war instead of human beings.

Both poems explore struggle through soldiers' life after conflict. Armatige portrays the way trauma affects an individual after war. In Remains the speaker states that "his blood-shadow stays on the street", after he returns home from war. The long vowel sounds in this line contrasts the short vowel sounds at the begin of the poem, which is used by the poet to reflect the way the imprint of the dead body lingers in the soldier's mind. The word "shadow" suggests that his experience at war is haunting, despite leaving Iraq and cleaning the literal blood shadow, the memory of him killing the dead looter has stayed with him. The word "shadow" could also be used to reference the darker part of the human psyche which suggests that the soldier has been completely changed by his experience. This idea is reinforced by the matter of fact tone which shows the speaker's lack of emotion and highlights how the soldier has been completely desensitised to the horrors of war. Armatige shows us how only after war, soldiers begin to consider the implications of their actions and the way soldiers are altered by PTSD they have suffered as a consequence of the conflict they fought in. This allows the reader to be aware of the impact of PTSD and allows the reader to begin to question the treatment of soldiers. Contrastingly to Remains, in which an individual is affected, in Kamikaze the poet presents the ways in which a family is affected by conflict.Garland presents this through the impact the Kamikaze pilot, by not completing his mission, had on the pilot's family as well as himself. Garland states that his family treated him as though he no longer existed". This quotation is used to highlight the theme of shame, the pilot brought shame and dishonour to him and his family as he didn't complete his mission. Garland shows us how the pilot's family has been completely destroyed by conflict as although the father is alive they can never acknowledge him. Garland has included four generations in the poem to emphasise the way this conflict will keep on affecting the family. The poet also demonstrates the impact of conflict has had on the pilot through the structure of the poem. Garland uses the third person omniscient narrator to emphasise how the pilot has been completely shunned by his family and society as the reader never gets to hear the story of the pilot through his own voice. Both poets explore the theme of shame-in Remains the soldier is seen as losing his sense of self and in Kamikaze the pilot has lost his family and place in society- to highlight that conflict has long lasting impacts on people, even through the initial conflict has passed it is still very difficult, and even impossible, for soldiers to adapt to normal life.

Both Remains and Kamikaze explore the intensity of guilt. Armatige clearly presents the soldier's guilt in the last line which states "his bloody life in my bloody hands". In this quotation, Armatige alludes to Shakespeare's character, Lady Macbeth. Lady Macbeth demonstrates guilt through the way she constantly sees blood on her hands. This image of Lady Macbeth is used to clearly convey the soldier's endless guilt as he too feels as though the possibly innocent looter's blood is constantly on his hands. The use of the possessive pronoun "my" is used to emphasise how the soldier feels completely responsible for the looter's death.This contrasts to the beginning of the poem where the collective noun "all" is used which suggests that the speaker is trying to shift the blame onto the other soldiers in order to reduce guilt and the painful memories that come with it.Armitage also uses the plosive "B" sound in "bloody", which functions almost like a physical punch to these painful memories as they pierce the conscience of the soldier and disrupt his every aspect of his life. This idea further alludes to the serious reality of soldiers suffering from PTSD and the huge impact this has on their life.This quotation coupled with the blood motif is used by the poet to demonstrate how the soldier can not remove the image of blood from his mind, and how the soldier's guilt will stain his soul forever; nothing, including substance abuse, can get rid of the metaphorical stain. Likewise, in Kamikaze, Garland clearly demonstrates the pilot's guilt in the last lines of the poem which states, "he must have wondered which had been the better way to die. ". By ending the poem with this quotation, Garland emphasises how the guilt from not carrying out his mission and dishonoring his family had an immense impact on the soldier. The use of the cesura at the end of the line could highlight the way in which the pilot feels trapped by his own guilt, as there isn't any enjambment which is sometimes used to signify freedom.The poet clearly demonstrates the way in which the pilot has been severely affected by guilt through how the pilot's guilt torments the pilot as he is left wishing that he had died as a Kamikaze instead of metaphorically dying.Both poems clearly highlight how guilt consumes a soldier as they are left to deal with conflicting emotions that haunt soldiers for the rest of their lives.

Both Armatige and Garland use structure to reflect an attempt to control conflicting emotions. In Kamikaze, Garland deliberately shifts from third person to first person in order to reflect the way the pilot's daughter tries to deal with her conflicting emotions about her father. This shift in narration from third person to first person acts as a volta and signifies a dramatic shift from external to internal, which shows how this is a personal memory for her.This suggests that the daughter is trying to empathise with her father, which allows some of the daughter's inner conflict to be eased.Where as, in Remains the soldier is less successful in controlling his conflicting emotions, this is shown by the couplet at the end of the poem.Armatige uses this irregular stanza at the end of the poem to perhaps reflect how the soldier is unable to control his PTSD, which suggests that the soldier has been permanently affected by his traumatic memories- he is unable to subdue his internal conflict and will continue to be tortured by his painful memories of war.

Overall, both poems clearly highlight guilt from war and the devastating ways in which people are affected by war.Kamikaze acts as a mouthpiece to ventriloquise and expose the reality for the Japanese soldiers through the consequences, on the individual as well as the community, behind not obliging to Japanese culture and expectations. While in Remains, Armatige warns society about the impact of war on the human psyche and the lasting effect it has on soldiers- as soon as the soldiers have finished serving their country they are discarded and left to deal with the devastating impacts on their own.
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